a small loss

Gut feeling

2012-02-13T05:30:00.000-08:00

Interestingly enough, after I posted yesterday morning about crying over ridiculous things, I spent a solid hour and a half of the day in tears. Understandable and justifiable ones, but tears nonetheless.

To backtrack.

The only thing I love more than running is racing, and so it struck me as odd that all of last week, I was dreading my race yesterday. When I signed up, I had been really excited - finally, a local race! I wouldn't have to travel to Chicago or a bigger California city in order to run with other people!

As the race grew nearer, though, I got anxious. It got so bad, in fact, that I started to lose sleep over it. I couldn't understand it. I love to run. I wanted to run. But I didn't want to race, if that makes sense. I wanted to run, just not there. I posted a message on Twitter, hoping for some feedback, and everyone said not to worry, that the race would go well and I'd feel better once I got there and started to run. I went to sleep Saturday night still unsure, and woke up yesterday morning equally as conflicted. The race entry was only $20, tough but not a huge loss. I'll go back to sleep and just run later.

I laid in bed for a solid half-hour before getting up, throwing my running outfit on, and hopping on my bike to head down to the starting line on Main Street. Per usual, I had my iPod on with one earphone; the Polyphonic Spree's Light and Day cheered me up tremendously as I pedaled towards the town square, where everyone was gathering. It's impossible to hear that song and feel anything but joyous and hopeful.

I locked up my bike on the rack to the side of the post-race food and water table, then headed over to the information booth to check my bag (all it had was my helmet; I kept my apartment key, ID, and debit card in the zipped pocket of my running pants). We sang the national anthem, watched the local high school mascots do a quick fun run, waited for the kids' 1K to be over, and then off we went - 5K to the left, 10K to the right.

The race went well, and I kept up an average pace of 9:49 for most of it ... until we got to the hills. There are only a few hills in this town, and we ran up them all. It slowed me down a bit, and for the first time ever in a race, I had to stop and walk for 30 seconds. I didn't want to - especially since it was at mile 5.5 out of 6.2 - but I also knew I would slow down even more if I didn't take a few seconds to recover. Up one last hill, around a corner, and finally, the finish line. The company they used for timing hasn't sent the official results yet, but my Garmin said 61:11 - or, 4:48 off my last 10K time. I was pleased, and definitely felt better about the 30 second walk break as I walked towards the town square for a drink and half a muffin.

When I finished, I walked over to the information booth and got my helmet, then went to jump on my bike and head home. There was one bike on the bike rack ... but it wasn't mine. In the spot where my bike had been was just the lock, dangling there. It had been cut through and left there, as if to say "No, you're not mistaken. This *is* where you left your bike." I shrugged and tossed the lock into my bag, and started to walk. The calm lasted about twenty seconds, and then the sobbing began. And it lasted the entire three mile walk home.

Someone stole my bike, and there's really nothing to say about that more tactful than "that totally sucks." The tears were for the loss, but also, for feeling like a failure. Biking isn't just recreational for me - besides walking or taking the university shuttle, it's really the only way I have to get around. There's a lot of glorious stuff to see in California, but I'm limited to as far as I can go on my bike. And now, I don't even have that.

I've had a few opportunities to learn how to drive. My dad was teaching me when I was in college - he worked near my university, so he'd pick me up on a Friday afternoon and I'd drive part of the way home. After his heart attack, though, the lessons stopped. I didn't seek lessons elsewhere, because I had a few fears about driving - some rational, some not. First, because if I was in a car accident, I was afraid I was too big for the paramedics to get me out of the vehicle. Second, because if I had a car, it would open up another realm of possibilities for my binge eating. And third, because I was profoundly depressed, and having a car opened up various life-ending possibilities.

I sought help for my depression, I walked to the places where I bought the food for my binges, and I avoided thinking about the fact that even as a passenger, I could be injured in a car accident and need a paramedic to lift me. And then I moved to Chicago, with an incredibly public transit system, and the non-driving was never an issue. I knew how to get around within city limits, and I knew a few people with cars just in case. In California, though, I don't have all the resources I need to get a license - namely, access to a vehicle. I can't get a license because I don't have a car with which to practice/take the exam. But I can't get a car because I don't have a license. Catch 22.

Walking home, I felt stupid. Stupid for using my fears as excuses for putting off getting a license for so long. Stupid for moving somewhere on a whim without seriously investigating the transportation issue. And stupid for not listening to my gut when it said to stay in bed that morning. I biked 3 miles, ran 6, was walking 3, and would need to make another 3 mile round trip to the bike store (not to mention coughing up a few hundred dollars I hadn't planned on spending). Tired and upset, I got to my apartment, dropped everything, and called Matt.

Something I both love and hate about Matt is his tendency to focus on negatives. He can be a total Debbie Downer sometimes, and it's tough to love someone and want to support them in any way you can when he or she doesn't seem to have the same faith and confidence in his or herself as you do. At the same time, though, I'm optimistic to a fault, and tend to only see silver linings, never the clouds. His focus on the realities of situations is necessary, since my focus is almost exclusively on the positive outcomes. It might not work for everyone, but the way we balance each other out works very well for us.

Yesterday, as I sobbed into the phone about what happened, he comforted me. Yes, this sucks. No, you are not stupid. And then he rattled off several things that are worse than having my bike stolen. The list of really terrible things made me realize that my problem could have been much, much worse. And it made me smile. It was exactly what I needed.

I posted about the bike on Facebook and then went to take a shower and cool off a bit before heading to the bike store, and in the meantime, a woman I met from the very small 5K I did when I first moved here commented, saying she had an old bike that I was more than welcome to have. In exchange, I baked her a few dozen cookies. I walked to the store and bought just what I needed for the recipe, and the rest of the flour and sugar went right into the trash. I had a few cookies that didn't fit in the container I bought for her, and I certainly ate some. One, then another, then another. And when I got the gut feeling that I wasn't in control, that even though I wasn't hungry, I was going to keep eating them until they were gone ... I buried them deep in the trash.

So, yesterday wasn't a total loss. I PRed at the race, I got a decent bike to use until my tax return shows up and I can buy my same exact bike again, and I threw out cookies instead of binging on them.

Learning, little by little, to trust that gut feeling.

Olive lentil spinach burgers

2012-02-12T05:30:00.000-08:00

As I work through my recovery for my binge eating problem, I have become a crier. It's great, really - collapsing on the couch or into my bed and sobbing can be incredibly cathartic. Learning to let the emotions out instead of packing them down with food is very important. Sometimes, though, it feels silly. Like when I cry over the most ridiculous things.

The other day, it was Whole Foods.

Specifically, the fact that I don't drive and the closest Whole Foods is over 50 miles away. Trader Joe's, too (though, admittedly, I never went to Trader Joe's when I lived in the Midwest. It wasn't really close by - they finally put one close-ish to where I was living, and it opened a few days after I left.). After my Whole Foods challenge this summer, I got kind of spoiled - so many wonderful veggies and grains! I miss the glorious produce section, the fresh fish counter, the bulk bins.

Since moving to my new city, I've been frustrated a lot by the grocery stores here. The selection isn't nearly what I had available in Chicago, in terms of both the stores themselves and what they sell. There are a few grocery stores near my apartment, yet the choices are lacking. I couldn't find Chobani at all until the local Target finished remodeling and added a grocery section. I still haven't seen collard greens, kale, or escarole. And the prices are surprisingly high considering so much is grown/produced right here in-state.

Things I used to keep on hand all the time back in Chicago have now become "sometimes foods." Things like ground turkey - I can't believe I used to scoff at $2.49 for a 16 oz. container. I'd wait for it to go on sale 2/$4 or cheaper. Now, finding the same ground turkey for $3.99 is a bargain. I used to buy hot Italian turkey sausage, too, for the same price - at 140 calories a link, I'd slice one open, form it into a patty, and make a nice sandwich for lunch on the weekends. It's hard to justify the expense, though - upwards of $4.99 for 5 links - so I stick to just plain chicken breasts.

I also used to like the Amy's frozen meals - as far as frozen meals go, they're a more "whole" alternative compared to the Lean Cuisines - but they're twice the price here that they were back in Chicago. (And they were expensive back in Chicago!) I want to nourish my body the best I can, but I also can't see spending $6 on one frozen meal. I suppose it's comparable price-wise to going out to eat for lunch, but I very rarely go out to eat, too. I'm a penny-pincher who made a healthy lifestyle rule against going out to eat except for social situations.

On weekends, I try and avoid the frozen meals since I have more time to put together something real. Ideally, I'd like to transition to homemade meals for every meal, but for now, it's one step at a time. I spend Saturday or Sunday cooking up soups and putting together containers I can freeze and take out during the week as need be. It's not hard to make these things, just a little time consuming. It's certainly worth the effort, though.

Something rather easy to make (and freeze) are the veggie burgers I've been craving lately. They're quick to throw together, filling, and have pretty much unlimited possibilities as far as flavors go. Last week, I wanted curry and coconut - so I made it happen. This week, it was olives - my sister made an amazing olive hummus when I was home over winter break, and thinking about it had me craving these hummus, broccoli slaw, and collard green pinwheel sandwiches we had at one of our Whole Foods cooking classes (cue my tears).

So, I did some investigating, and I found a recipe for olive lentil burgers by Isa Chandra Moskowitz. Per usual, I did some tweaking (surprise, surprise, I couldn't find cremini mushrooms), but I absolutely loved the end result.

Cooked lentils (1 cup uncooked measurement)
18-20 extra large olives
2 cups fresh spinach
1/2 c. breadcrumbs
1 egg white

Preheat oven to 350º. In a food processor, finely chop spinach. Add olives and pulse, leaving them slightly chunky still. Add cooked lentils and pulse until well-combined, but not entirely smooth. Transfer mixture to a medium-sized mixing bowl. Add breadcrumbs and egg white and stir until well-combined. Form mixture into 5 patties and bake for 10-15 minutes per side.

Per usual, I made mine on the ol' George Foreman. They took a bit longer to cook than bean burgers usually do - the mixture was a bit creamier than my usual piecemeal bean mix. But oh, so worth it.

Here are the nutrition stats with the ingredients I used:

To be honest, I could also see myself skipping the breadcrumbs and egg white and just eating the lentil/spinach/olive mixture, spreading it on a pita or dipping in carrots or other veggies. As burgers, though, they were quite delicious, and I can't wait to find some mushrooms so I can attempt the original recipe!

What about you? Are there any foods you enjoy but have trouble justifying the cost? What are some of your favorite lunches?

Roses and thorns

2012-02-10T05:30:00.000-08:00

I feel amazing.

Everything has been going really well the past few days - at least food and exercise-wise. Work and life stress have been tough, and tension was high earlier in the week. I'm really proud of my decision to go to bed early instead of eat my frustrations - a binge would've been counterproductive and just caused more stress. A good night's sleep was just what I needed!

And - I can tell I've lost weight. The tell-tale signs of being at or below my Chicago lowest weight are all here ... my loose skin on my stomach is extra loose (as are my jeans and all my shirts), my collarbones are popping out a bit more, and there's a bone or tendon or something in my forearm that sticks out more than usual.

It freaked me out when I saw it in August, and it's still pretty strange today. This time, though, I'm deciding not to self-sabotage because it. Yes, it's weird. So are a lot of things about my smaller body that I've discovered along the way. These are just things to get used to.

Oddities and strangeness aside, I really do feel amazing, and not just physically. I'm smiling all the time and back to being my almost-excessively-cheerful self like I was in Chicago. It's so nice to be back to my normal.

This weekend, I'll be grading a mountain of exams, reading for a book club meeting on Monday night, and I have a race on Sunday morning. I'm pretty nervous about the race for some reason, even though it's just 10K. I'm biking to and from the race, which is I think where my nerves come in. Today I'll be doing a trial run of biking, then running, then biking to see if Sunday's plan is feasible. We shall see.

Somewhat related, if anyone missed Katie's announcement yesterday, I'm super excited to finally talk about something we've been planning for a little while:

we are going to be running a Ragnar Relay next January!
Our team is coming together still but essentially, it's a group of all people who've lost significant amounts of weight and became runners. I'm so excited, not only to participate in such a unique event (and in such an amazing place! Miami to Key West, Florida!), but to do so with such inspiring people! Katie is one of my favorite maintenance bloggers, and I'm pumped at the chance to run with her and with several other incredible success stories. I'll be posting more about the event and our team as it all comes together.

Thinking about the Relay team has also been a motivator for me lately. I'm not nearly close to being "at goal" yet, but the Relay isn't for another 330 days (not that I'm counting) ... so I've got my eyes on the prize, so to speak, thinking about how badly I want to be in my best physical condition by the time we all come together to run. Binges won't get me there. Neither will excuses. But hard work and focus will.

What about you? What are your weekend plans? Are there any weightloss-related body changes that you've found to be odd or surprising? Have you ever done a Ragnar Relay or any other non-traditional race?

Back to basics

2012-02-08T05:30:00.000-08:00

This first week of my February challenge has gone well! My eating has been on point, and I can tell that I've lost weight - my stomach feels looser and my winter coat fits better. It's amazing what difference a few pounds can make.

Part of my February challenge involves eating the way I did back when I first started to get healthy. I've made a few modifications to suit my current schedule, but otherwise, it's been going well. Here is an example of what I ate yesterday:

Breakfast was 32 oz. of water, a 6 oz. container of Fage plain 0% Greek yogurt, and some blueberries.

I used to have Yoplait Light yogurts, but the Fage has more protein for the same number of calories - not to mention no artificial sweeteners. I love most of the fruity Chobani yogurts, but I'm trying to eat as many whole foods as possible, so even though the calories work out to a few more by having a yogurt and fresh fruit, I feel better about it. Plus, I like the thicker consistency of the Fage yogurt!

I work out in the morning, then have 16-32 oz. of water and a Lean Cuisine or Weight Watchers meal for lunch. They're not the best choice, but they're convenient and help me prevent binges since I can have a reasonable portion of the things I crave (the chicken carbonara is pretty darn good, all things considered).

Dinner also usually comes from the freezer - a portion of a premade soup or chili that I portioned out for single-servings, or a piece of chicken. When I wake up, I move it from the freezer to the fridge so it's thawed and ready to cook/serve when I get home from work. Another 16-32 oz. of water, and I also usually make some veggies to go with my dinner to bulk it up - lately, my favorites have been broccoli, cauliflower, and Brussels sprouts.

After lunch, I have a piece of fruit for a snack. Yesterday it was a banana. Sometimes it's an apple or a pear. I also like fresh veggies - cucumber and raw mushrooms are favorites for snacking.

And my late afternoon snack to get me through office hours and teaching?

A single-serve packet of graham crackers (120 calories) and a single-serve container of peanut butter. Right now I have Scooby Doo crackers because Target was sold out of my usual choice, the 120 calorie pack of Teddy Grahams. These are good, but they look like dog bones, and even though they are delicious, I feel odd eating them. This was my snack every single day for nearly a year and I (a) never got bored and (b) never binged on peanut butter. Allowing myself a little of these things helps me not overdo it. I keep these at my office so there's no temptation - and if I still want it that badly ... well, to the office is a 5.5 mile bike ride, that burns quite a few calories, and I can't binge until I feel sick because there's another 5.5 miles on the bike to get me home. This set-up works well for me.

Adding the fruit with breakfast and lunch are changes from when I was in Chicago. Back then, I worked mornings and exercised at night, so my dinners were bigger. Now, I work out mornings and teach at night, so I try and spread the calories out more evenly. Total is usually between 1200-1300 calories, though I am perfectly okay with upping it to 1400-1500 when I work out harder.

This is what I ate yesterday; some days I mix it up, but most days are nearly identical. That kind of repetition might not work for everyone, but it's what I've found works best for me for weight loss. I like a routine!

What about you? Do you usually eat the same things over and over, or do you try and change things up all the time?

Coconut curry chickpea patties

2012-02-05T05:30:00.000-08:00

This week, I invented a recipe!

I made bean burgers many times back in Chicago, but hadn't made them since moving because I didn't have a food processor (that barely qualifies as an excuse, but I'm sticking to it).

Another excuse, and tell me if I'm being crazy: the bake shops in grocery stores out here don't sell individual sandwich rolls. Since I don't feel comfortable right now buying a loaf of bread or a package of 100 calorie sandwich thins, I've pretty much just given up on bread for now. In Chicago, I'd walk to the store, buy one as I needed it, and was satisfied. Here, they sell bagels and baked goods, but not rolls. Is that a California thing? Or just my town? (Yes, I tried all four grocery stores.)

But all week, I wanted a bean burger, and so finally, yesterday, my plans came together and I made this:

My food photography skills are lacking. But that is a coconut curry chickpea patty, and it was incredibly delicious. I ate two of them plain, and will be having the leftovers today over fresh spinach. It would be nice as an actual sandwich on bread, for sure. But for now, it was just plain.

1 15-oz. can chickpeas
4 tbsp. coconut flakes
1/2 c. plain breadcrumbs
3 egg whites
1 tbsp. curry powder

In a food processor, pulse chickpeas until they are piecemeal - broken up, but NOT so much that they are a hummus consistency. Here is a picture of mine:

Put chickpeas in a medium-sized mixing bowl and fold in coconut, breadcrumbs, egg whites, and curry powder until well combined. Form mixture into 4 patties and cook them in a skillet over medium heat for about 3 minutes per side, until slightly browned (or, as I did, for about 3 minutes on my George Foreman grill).

Here is the nutrition information with the ingredients I used:

You could use any curry spice you like; I used one that I bought at the Spice House the last time I was in Chicago: Vadouvan, a mild French-style masala curry. Next time, I think I'll kick up the spice a bit. The sweetness of the coconut was delicious, but I think some heat would complement it very well.

What about you? Have you ever invented a recipe? What is your favorite kind of sandwich? Can you buy individual rolls at your grocery store? (If so, I'm a bit jealous, not gonna lie.)

Workouts: January

2012-02-01T05:30:00.000-08:00

This was a strangely busy month for me. Lots of traveling - home from Chicago, plus overnights in San Francisco and Los Angeles - and the beginning of the spring semester had me pretty worn out, and I took an awful lot of rest days. When my body lets me sleep for 15 hours solidly, it needs to be rested.

February is looking to be much calmer. Some days at work are busier than others, but for the most part, it ought to be smooth sailing. I don't have any traveling on the schedule just yet, which is both a blessing and a curse. It'll be nice to rest a bit, not to mention save a little money ... I've managed to put aside a good amount of savings, but I've also spent about the same amount on these horribly misnamed "long" weekends in Chicago. But staying put might be a bit difficult. I miss my friends. I miss all the things to see and do in the city. And I miss Matt. We were talking the other day about my next scheduled trip back, which is over Spring Break for the Shamrock Shuffle, and we realized it was two full months away. After seeing each other a few times over winter break, both in Chicago and San Francisco, we got a little spoiled.

It'll be a test of my strength, for sure.

On the fitness front, my goal for 2012 of do less, better is coming along quite nicely. I ran 56.26 miles in January, 13ish of which were in my half marathon. Since the race, I've been running much shorter distances than I did in my training runs - my longest has been 5 miles. Also, I biked 194.52 miles, far less than most of the past few months. Working nights has contributed to the decrease in biking, for sure - it's quite dark when my classes end, so I have been taking the bus to/from work instead of riding.

In terms of non-running/biking workouts, I have made some progress.

I spoke with the director of the campus recreation facility about a faculty gym membership. I was skeptical about using the school gym last semester - it's a small school, and even though I used the school gym at my last university, we had two there (one that was always full of undergrads, and the other, which I used, was mostly med students). But the more I've been thinking about my nervousness about coming out, the more I realized ... why not work out at school? It could be a good source of accountability and support for me!
I have been using the Wii Fit again. It's certainly not the calorie roaster it was at 300+ pounds, but when I get home from work and it's too dark to run or go for a bike ride, it's a fun way to burn a few extra calories.
I've been walking more lately - for example, to the grocery store instead of biking, and getting off the bus at the opposite end of campus and then walking to my office. It's a small change, but it makes me feel good. As much as I love running, I'll always have a soft spot for walking: at 345 pounds, I had to lose 15 pounds before I could even use the Wii Fit, so my daily exercise was a walk around the block. And - I struggled. Now, walks remind me of how far I've come.

I feel great about all I accomplished this month: I weighed 207 when I got back from Connecticut/Chicago, and I weighed 198 this morning. Not my lowest, but I'm tremendously proud of getting back to California and getting back on track right away to get rid of all that cookie weight.

For February, I'm doing a little challenge. First of all, I've put my scale away, and am going to see if I can do without it for a few days. Ideally, I want a scale-free February, but for now, I need to take it a day at a time. The food and fitness component of the challenge are interesting: I want to get back to the way I ate and worked out in the beginning of my weight loss journey. I'll be posting on the specifics of the food in a few days, but basically, it was a fairly repetitive routine that I never got bored of and that I found to be very successful for me.

I've been thinking a lot the past few weeks about trying to find a balance with food and exercise, my main struggle since moving to California. I've done well with one or the other, but not both. A recent post by Claire gave me the a-ha moment I'd been waiting for; essentially, her revelation was that you can't move like an athlete but eat like a dieter. My half marathon burned about 2100 calories; I can't work out like that and try to sustain myself on an intake of 1200 calories. Trying to do both is denying your body the adequate amount of fuel that it needs, and it's setting you up to possibly binge. Since I'm not scheduled to run any races longer than 10K in the next few months, I'm going to try and be the dieter and not the athlete for a while.

It's a tough decision for me, because now that I did my first half marathon I want (a) to sign up for about five hundred more because it was such an incredible experience and (b) to think bigger, longer, more challenging - like a full marathon, or similar event. But at the same time, I know that I'm not content with where I am right now weight-wise - my life is wonderful and I'm very happy overall, but the 190s are starting to feel big to me. I've been in this decade so long that every single day, I can wake up and tell you exactly how much I weigh. It's the toughest one for me so far, without a doubt, because even though the difference between 198 and 192 seems small, physically, the difference feels huge. It's tough to explain briefly, so I'm going to do a whole post on it soon. In any case, I'm hoping that the next time I step on the scale, it will be a new month on the calendar and a new decade for my weight loss.

So, that's my January in sum and my goals for February. Continue to do less, better; get back to my tried-and-true basics. I'm a bit of a calendar nerd and this is a leap year, so I've been thinking about planning something for Leap Day - a virtual race? A contest? A giveaway? I'm not sure yet - gotta think. I've had a giveaway on the brain for a while now since my blog hit over 125,000 views (holy moley!) and my followers on Google Connect has hit over 300 ... was thinking a giveaway at 345 since that's My Number, but we'll see!

What about you? How was your January? What are your goals for February? What are you most looking forward to in the next month?

SlimKatie Brownies

2012-01-30T05:30:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I really miss baking. I used to always bake for my students and co-workers, not to mention for myself, family, and friends. My cake pops were incredible. Blueberry peach cobbler, divine. Red velvet whoopie pies, to die for. French macarons, perfection. And there is very little better than my from-scratch pear and ginger pie with a salty-and-sweet Gruyère crumble crust.

But ... I have given these things up, for now.

Not because I won't allow myself them in moderation - I am generally okay with desserts when out with friends or at work functions. But baking by myself at home is still a problem for me. I go through fits of being better with it - I'll make something, enjoy it in moderation, and feel very proud of myself for staying in control. But when I am not feeling my best, the baking ingredients in the house can be very difficult to avoid. For now, it's easier for me to abstain entirely.

But sometimes, I want something sweet. And I've been eating pears, apples, and bananas, and they're good, but not quite ... chocolate-y enough. A cheap chocolate bar isn't quite satisfying, and a higher quality chocolate bar is also usually higher in calories. So usually, I just abstain again.

Enter the SlimKatie brownies.

I couldn't think of a better name for these than one bearing the name of their creator, Katie. Calling them pumpkin brownies seems a bit deceiving, as the pumpkin flavor is not as pronounced as in, say, pumpkin pie or pumpkin bread. It's there, but subtly, and in addition to lending its flavor, also adds fiber and reduces the calories (as compared to following the box's baking instructions and using eggs and oil).

There isn't much of a recipe here, per se. Get a box of brownie mix, and combine the mix with a can of pumpkin puree. Follow the temperature and time for baking listed on the box. Easy peasy!

I made mine with sugar free Pillsbury brownie mix - I'm not typically a fan of artificial sweeteners (due to both taste and fake-ness) but got them since the calories were low and the servings-per-box was lower than regular mix. Next time, I'll go for the real deal - the Splenda taste was definitely present in these. But I managed to mask it a little by adding a pinch each of ginger and cinnamon to the batter before baking. Those are the two secret ingredients in my chocolate cake, I figured they'd work here too. Oh boy, did they! Thick, fudgy, a little spicy ... just what I wanted. And with my ingredients, the pan made 9 brownies at 136 calories each.

I ate one yesterday when I made them, another later that day, and put the rest in the freezer for future PMS-ing emergencies. Close inspection of the ingredients list has inspired me not binge on them.

Yikes. Reason #3 why I'm not crazy about artificial sweeteners. Definitely don't want that!

What about you? Are you able to enjoy certain foods in moderation, or do you abstain entirely from individual foods/food groups? What's your take on artificial sweeteners?

Stuffed pepper soup

2012-01-29T05:30:00.000-08:00

This has been a very strange week. Very heavy, very stressful, with small pockets of happiness that certainly sustained me. Reaching out to people via e-mail, Skype, telephone calls, text messages ... it's been an absolute lifesaver.

Work went well - my students are finally settling in and understanding exactly what I expect of them. A few lecturers and I got a pretty terrifying e-mail from my coordinator regarding employment for next semester, followed the next day by an e-mail from the school's Dean clarifying that the information we received was not entirely correct. So one of my projects for today is deciphering a document attached to the Dean's e-mail ... lots of legal terms, which are not my strong suit.

Also, my sleep patterns have been pretty messed up since I've been staying up very late, texting Matt while he works overnights. Some of it was just chit-chat, but some was related to a bit of a project we've been working on, so I justified it. Unfortunately, staying up late meant waking up late, and not having much of a day to get things done before heading to the university to teach. This week, I'm hoping to get back into a healthier pattern - in bed by midnight, up by 7.

Some of the chit-chat was related to things that have been going on with my dad, who was back in the hospital for most of last week due to more "dietary indiscretion." It's both frustrating and heartbreaking, and I stayed as tough as I could until Friday, when I spoke with my sister Lisa on the phone about it while at work. Riding my bike home, I nearly crashed into several cars because I was sobbing hysterically. Not good at all. I wrote him a long letter that night, expressing my thoughts and urging him to take better care of himself ... but not after raiding my cabinets.

One step forward, one step back.

Making peace with food is absolutely, one hundred percent, without a doubt, the hardest part of my weight loss journey. Using food to nourish myself instead of hurt myself is a truly difficult challenge, a battle I'll be fighting my entire life. It's easier than it used to be, but I'm by no means in the clear. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: I can't control how/if my dad chooses to take care of his body. But I can control how I take care of my own. I'm going to repeat it, over and over, until it sticks. Until I finally realize that binge eating doesn't change him, only me, and that change is always negative.

Yesterday, I slept in a little, and because of the previous night's overeating, I wasn't terribly hungry until lunch, and even then, I ate light. I walked to the grocery store to get some ingredients for dinner, then went for a 4 mile run. I underestimated the distance at one point and ended up having to do a couple of circles around my apartment complex to get the last half mile in. It was great, though my legs felt very heavy towards the end - not sure if it was from not eating much, or from riding my bike over 35 miles the day before. Either way, it was physically tough, though my mind certainly wanted to keep going.

The ingredients I bought were to make stuffed pepper soup, a recipe I saw on SkinnyTaste a while ago but had mostly forgotten about until now. Before and after adding rice:

It was totally delicious! I eat beef very infrequently (I like chicken/ground turkey better than steaks/ground beef), but I really liked this. And I knew I wanted to make something with freezeable leftovers to make dinner easier for the nights when I teach, so this was perfect. I measured out slightly bigger portions than what she posted, ate one, put one in the fridge for lunch today, and froze three.

I accidentally forgot the garlic (I know ... how could I?!), so when I reheat the other portions, I will probably add garlic to the rice when I cook it for that little extra kick. I also altered her recipe to suit my own preferences, mostly in terms of reducing sodium. In an interesting coincidence, the sodium count for hers and for mine came out to the exact same number. Her portion, though, is 1/8 of the recipe, and mine is 1/5.

To reduce sodium, I used 2 cans of no salt added diced tomatoes. I also used 1 cup of low sodium chicken broth instead of 2, and used 1 cup of water to make up the liquid. The tomato sauce was not low/no sodium, so the soup was still plenty flavorful.

Not sure if her calorie count includes the rice - mine doesn't, since I didn't add it to the soup while cooking (don't want it to soak up too much liquid - made a serving for yesterday and one for today, and will make the others as I defrost the frozen containers). I had 1/4 cup (uncooked measurement) of brown rice for 170 calories. All in all, a very tasty and very satisfying meal!

What about you? What meals do you like to pre-cook and keep in your freezer for busy nights?

Secret identity

2012-01-26T05:30:00.000-08:00

When I was back in Chicago, my office was next to that of the department head. I had taken courses with her as a grad student, and I felt incredibly lucky to work with her as a colleague. She was brilliant, of course, but also, she was the kind of professor (and the kind of person in general) who made you feel like you could do anything. She helped me go confidently into my Masters exams; having her on my oral defense panel helped me stay calm and collected as I presented my resesarch and fielded questions from her and the other faculty members. But the best support I got from her was in my weight loss efforts. Every day, she'd pop her head into my office and comment on how great I looked. She'd ask about how running was going and what race I was going to do next. And she'd update me on her own running and workout progress, saying I inspired her to get out and get active again. Hearing that you've inspired someone who inspires you? There are few better feelings in the world.

To say that I've missed her since moving to California would be an understatement. First, because I miss having other French-speaking faculty to bounce ideas off of. But also, because since I started at my new university, I haven't found the same kind of support. It isn't because there aren't any good people here - quite the contrary in fact. I have a lot of great faculty and staff members in my department. The fault, I think, is kind of my own.

I made a decision when I moved to keep my super obese past a secret. In getting healthy, I'd been given the opportunity to live the kind of life I'd never lived before. Now, I had the chance to present myself as someone who'd lived this way her whole life. And I took it. There are two people in this town who know about the weight loss: my former office mate (who was also on her own weight loss journey), and Justin. My boss, my co-workers, my friends ... no one else has a clue. It's had its ups and downs.

On the positive side (and as I write this, I'm questioning how positive it actually is), I haven't felt any pressure about my plateau. They don't know I lost so much weight so quickly before, so the fact that my weight hasn't changed in five months isn't surprising. Negatively, though, this really isn't an ideal weight to act as if this has always been my normal. If I were at goal, it would be one thing. But on any given day, I've been 40-50 pounds away from the higher end of my weight loss goal range. It's not how it ought to be, but I think that most people see a bigger person and assume their weight is on the way up, not down. People here don't know that it used to be tough for me to get out of bed. They don't know I raced up the stairs of my office building. They don't know I cried every time I bought jeans at Old Navy, because it's still new to me, buying clothes at a non-plus size store as an adult. They see a bigger person, not knowing the true history of how big this body used to be.

Luckily, and I hope I'm not jinxing myself, there haven't been any physical body judgements - no rude comments from strangers, no curses yelled from car windows. For that, I'm quite grateful. But there have been quite a few biases: mostly with regard to athletic ability. There was the store clerk who assumed that of the two of us, Justin (the tall and thin one) would be the athlete. The worst, though, has been a few of the members of my book club.

Of the six or seven members, about half of us are runners. And without fail, every time someone brings up running and I offer my two cents, someone makes a disbelieving comment - "wait, you run?" The first time, it was maybe a little understandable. But the three or four times it has come up since then have been somewhat inexcusable. My personal favorite are-you-flippin'-kidding-me moment was Halloween weekend, when we all sat around carving pumpkins. Someone started talking about wanting a GPS watch, and I said that I loved my Garmin and that it hadn't been terribly expensive. One woman's response? "What do you use it for?" Then there was an incident about a week ago where I contacted a few of them about running a local race, which received a declining reply paired with "oh, have you ever ran a race before?" These women are half marathoners, a title I'm exceptionally proud to be able to also call myself, but for some reason, the idea of me being a runner keeps surprising them.

Seeking a little self-assurance, I put one of their names into Google along with the phrase "half marathon results." And while I know that finishing time isn't everything, it felt really, really good to see that this thin woman who calls herself a runner but consistently doubts my athletic ability had a finishing time nearly eight minutes longer than mine.

At the next appropriate opportunity, I think I'm going to "come out" to my book club: yes, I am a runner, and I am also a formerly super obese person. I'd love their support and encouragement, like I got from my professor back in Chicago. But most of all, I just hope that they recognize that appearances can most definitely be deceiving - this body of mine is big, but it is fast. It is a work in progress, not quite where it will end up, but incredibly far from where it started. It is flawed, mutilated, and scarred from years of mistreatment, but it is lovely and it is mine, and I am intensely in love with it and all that I have realized I am capable of accomplishing with it.

Lessons

2012-01-24T05:30:00.001-08:00

A week removed from my half marathon, and I'm finally getting to the nitty-gritty recap! It's been a busy week, yes, but also a surreal one. I'm still sort of in a bit of shock that I did it.

6 months before the race
With my weight loss slowing and the stress of impending unemployment, I decided to make a fitness goal to keep my mind and my body in good shape: I wanted to weigh 173 pounds (half my starting weight) when I ran the Chicago Half Marathon in September. I figured that if something came up and I couldn't race that day, all the training wouldn't have been for nothing: I'd still have lost weight and kept active during such an incredibly stressful period of my life. Up to that point, my longest run had been around 6.5 miles; my longest race was a 10K in June.

About a month and a half later, I was up to a 9 mile long run when my employment issue was resolved: I landed my absolute dream job ... at a university in California. The transition was very fast, though, and not without difficulties. I moved, and I essentially stopped running. The weather was very different from Chicago - still in the 90ºs into October! - and with all the stress of being a new faculty member in a new town in a state I'd never even visited before, let alone considered residing in, I put running on the back burner entirely. Not even the purchase of the Garmin Forerunner 305 I'd been lusting over for months was enough to inspire me to get back out there.

3 months before the race
There were two major events that got me back in my running shoes. In the beginning of October, I got a message on Twitter from Ann asking if I'd seen a documentary called "Spirit of the Marathon." It follows several people as they train for the Chicago Marathon. It was available to stream via Netflix, and I sat there on my couch, sobbing as I watched it. That used to be me. I used to be a runner.

Five days later, the Chicago Marathon took place, and I woke up ridiculously early to watch the live streaming coverage online. More tears, but this time, none were based in regret. I was flooded with memories - remembering all of a sudden just how much loved to run, how much I enjoyed racing, and how much I loved pushing myself to meet my fitness goals. I felt motivated, and I went and registered for a half marathon in Los Angeles a few months later. I laced up my shoes, suited up, and went for a 2 mile run.

Making my training schedule was tough. I had been up to a 9 mile run in Chicago, but I knew that nearly a month and a half off had really affected my endurance. I planned long runs for Sundays, starting with a 2 miler and adding another mile every week, with a few weeks at the end where I added half miles. Then during the week, 2-4 mile runs on Tuesdays and 2.5-5 mile runs on Thursdays - those days were for speed work. Sundays, I don't care if I'm logging 20 minute miles - it's all about distance.

1 month before the race
About one month before the race, I ran my first double digit run. It was an incredible triumph - my longest run ever, Chicago runs included. I was as proud that day as I was at the finish line of every race I'd ever ran - I stopped running, struggled to get back to the point where I was, and now here I was ... surpassing it.

Training continued to go well, and one of my proudest runs was an 11 miler back in Connecticut. My holiday/family-related emotional eating had me feeling defeated, but I still got out there and knocked out a great long run along Long Island Sound and several beaches of the Connecticut shoreline.

1 week before the race
About a week and a half before the race, I went to San Francisco with Matt. Technically they were both rest days since I didn't run, bike, or do any formal working out, but I certainly did a ton of walking, much of which was up and down hills. The town I live in is incredibly flat, so it was quite a difference from what I'm used to.

My last run was a scheduled 12 miles one week before race day. I got to about 7.5 miles when I started to feel a pain in my right heel. I slowed down, and took a 15 second break at 8 miles. I kept going, but at 10 miles, I stopped entirely. I sat on a bench and tried to work the muscles. It didn't feel like a muscle pain, though - possibly the tendon. After a couple of minutes, I got up to keep running the last 2 miles. I lasted 17 seconds before I had to call it quits. I slowly walked home, took an ice bath, and rested for the rest of the day (and all of the next day).

My taper runs for the week were 3 miles on Tuesday and 5 miles on Thursday. I made sure to start extra slow and only push myself if I felt it wouldn't be harmful - and both runs were great, with absolutely no pain. I was pretty sure Sunday had been a fluke, my body continuing to recover from the hills in San Francisco. Still, I was concerned. On race day, I'd be running 13+ miles, and my longest long run was only 11 miles.

The day before the race
I took a train down to Los Angeles, which gave me a lot of time to rest my legs and get ready for the next day. I went to the expo to pick up my race bib and packet, then headed to check into my hotel in Marina del Rey - one of the race's suggested hotels. It was very close to the race site, which I appreciated because I'm not familiar with the Los Angeles area at all. No worries about getting lost or dealing with cabs and any race morning traffic - I wanted everything to be as easy as possible, and it certainly was.

I walked for a couple of miles that day: to the train station in the morning, from the expo site to my hotel, and then from the hotel to the Subway a block away for dinner (lots of great restaurants in the area, but didn't want to risk something unfamiliar before the race). I had my usual: turkey on wheat, no cheese, no dressings, and lots of veggies.

During the race
To be honest, I was excited, nervous, scared, and therefore I slept about 45 minutes the night before the race. I woke up, ate a banana and a single-serve packet of peanut butter, and headed to the race site. It was still dark and a little chilly, but it was terribly exciting.

The race was a point-to-point race, meaning it didn't start and end in the same place. But again, I'm entirely unaware of the Los Angeles area, so I kind of appreciated the opportunity to see a bit more of the beachfront. The only downside to not knowing the area is not knowing how far you have left to go, but (a) there were mile markers in place all along the route and (b) I had my Garmin on, so no worries. I just ran, and enjoyed the moment as much as possible.

I wasn't sure if I was going to run au naturel - that is, without any music - but decided to wear my iPod at the last minute. I was really glad I did, for a few reasons. First, because I was there entirely alone, and it was nice to have something familiar there with me. But also, because nothing makes me move faster than a well placed song.

The race itself was great - a mostly flat course, with the exception of one mildly difficult hill at the turnaround. Miles 8.5-9.5 were uphill, 9.5-10.5 were back down. The other tough part was during miles 8-8.5/10.5-11, when we went past a really unfortunately located sewage treatment plant. Not at all what I wanted to smell at that moment.

I kept up a great pace for the first 7 miles, when the first bit of tiredness in my legs kicked in, and I wondered if I'd be able to finish. I pushed forward, and got through the next 3 miles (hill and all) without any issues. Undoubtedly, the toughest mile for me was 10. I'm not sure what happened - maybe coming off the hill, maybe the sewage smell, maybe general exhaustion, or likely a combination of all of it - but it felt incredibly tough, and I slowed down a lot. There was a band playing music at the 11 mile mark and some folks cheering us on, and that definitely helped me perk up.

The last fuel station was at mile 12, and the volunteers handing out water and Gatorade were cheering us on: you're doing great!, they said, almost done! Finish line is just at those palm trees! We're running along the beach, kid - there are [bleep]ing palm trees everywhere! But I kept going, and definitely got my second wind as I pushed forth to the finish.

When I passed the 13 mile marker, the finish line was in sight, and the tears started. I thought about how I almost quit running. I thought about the first race I ran, just about one year earlier. I thought about myself, at 345 pounds, exhausted by walking from my bedroom to my bathroom. And there I was, a fraction of a mile away from becoming a half marathoner. The announcer called out my name as I crossed the finish line, and I threw my fists in the air. A volunteer handed me my medal, and I kissed it and cried as I walked down the beach to rest my legs.

After the race
I walked over to the post-race party, drank some water and ate a mini Clif Mojo bar - there were food trucks there, but all for purchase. It seemed really odd that there weren't any bagels or pieces of fruit for racers - even 5Ks have that. I walked around and looked at the booths, then bought a vegetarian breakfast burrito from the Gardein truck, and took the shuttle back to the hotel to shower and let everyone know I had finished.

So, lessons I learned from my first half? I know I definitely need to get better about fueling during my training runs. I don't usually fuel during a run at all - lots of water the day before, a good breakfast about an hour before the run, and then more water and lunch when I get home. But I could feel during this race that I needed something to push me a little, and as nervous as I was about doing something new/unusual during a run, I know I wouldn't have been able to do as well without it. I had water/Gatorade at miles 6 and 12, and a Clif gel shot at miles 4 and 8. I noticed the shots were about 100 calories each; since the race burned about 2100 calories for me, I absolutely needed the energy.

I also was incredibly grateful for investing in a Garmin. This was the first time that I raced with it, and I loved being able to keep track of my pace while I ran. I was aiming for 10-12 minute miles, increasing or decreasing speed as I felt necessary. But listening to my body, I felt most comfortable keeping myself between 10:30 and 10:45. I slowed down during that tough 10th mile, but another perk of being able to know my pace/time was being able to stay calm. That stretch was tough, but I could see that even if I went up to 13-15 minute miles, I'd make the goal I announced to everyone (2:30-2:45), and if I kept it at 10-12 minute miles, I'd make the secret goal I set for myself (2:20).

I officially finished in 2:20:35, and couldn't be more pleased with my splits. I'm quite proud of the consistency - I tend to get overexcited and start fast, then have to slow down in order to finish. Though, there certainly were excited moments when I went a little faster - see the 7.3 and 7.4 mph top speeds in Laps 4 and 13? Lady Gaga is to thank for those. P-P-Poker Face.

So, there it is. My first half marathon, the exceptionally long and detailed recap. No, I didn't make my initial weight loss goal - I wasn't "half of Mary" at the half marathon. But it was still an incredible accomplishment, and I loved every single second of it. I can't wait to do another!

Baked eggplant parmagiana

2012-01-22T05:30:00.000-08:00

I have a confession to make.

It rained on Friday.

That isn't the confession, per se, but it's crucial to the story. You see, I live in the San Joaquin Valley area of California, and rain is very infrequent here. Since I moved here five months ago, it's rained all of three or four times. It's good, definitely, but there are some downsides. For me, for example, who does not have a drivers license and who goes everywhere on bike or on foot, the rain can certainly put a damper on plans.

In Chicago, I was tough. Rain, snow ... nothing stopped me. I'd just throw on a few extra layers, grab my umbrella, and hit the road. But since bad weather is so infrequent here (and here's the confession), I like to revel in it, fully take advantage of an entire day off.

Friday morning, I turned on Netflix. My sisters have been raving about "Parks and Recreation," and we watched a couple of episodes when I was in Connecticut at Christmas, so I figured I'd keep watching. It's a pretty good show, and after a few episodes, I left the couch to grab some lunch - a piece of fish I'd marinated in lemon juice and Greektown seasoning and then cooked up on my George Foreman grill, plus some roasted broccoli. Munch, and keep watching. A few episodes later, grab a pear for a snack. And then after a few more episodes, I decided to be lazy about dinner and just heated up a Lean Cuisine, tossed it up with a big bowl of spinach, and retreated to the couch. After a while, I realized it was dark out, so I looked at my phone. It was almost midnight.

I almost feel a bit guilty for spending an entire rainy day on the couch. There's laundry to be washed, folded, put away. Dishes to be done. Blog posts to be written. Lesson plans I could have gotten a head start on.

Nope.

It's interesting, because this used to be my life, with a few minor differences. Every day off was me fused to the couch. Instead of a Lean Cuisine frozen sesame chicken, it was enough Chinese takeout to feed a family of four. I'd watch movie after movie - sometimes streaming movies from Netflix that I owned, just so I didn't have to get off the couch to change the DVD - because that was too much movement! And there was absolutely no guilt, because this was the norm.

I woke up Saturday with the sun shining, birds chirping outside my window, and my body craving movement. I got dressed, put on my running shoes, and hit the path. 2.25 miles done, then hopped on the bike for about 7 more miles - I would have done more, but part of the path floods whenever it rains, so I turned around and headed to the grocery store to pick up a few things.

With all the rain, what I really wanted Friday night was some comfort food - somewhat fortunately, I didn't have many ingredients in the house (I usually shop on Fridays or Saturdays). So yesterday, I decided to make a healthier version of one of my favorite comfort foods: eggplant parmagiana.

It's hardly a surprise that I love eggplant - with my recipes for eggplant "bacon", eggplant ravioli, and eggplant gnocchi. The flavor is so delicious, and pairing it with sauce and cheese takes it to the next level.

1 large eggplant, sliced into 1/4" thick rounds
3 egg whites
1/2 c. breadcrumbs
1 tbsp. basil
2 tsp. each parsley, oregano, red pepper flakes
1 1/2 c. tomato sauce
3 oz. mozzarella cheese, shredded

Preheat oven to 375º. Toss together breadcrumbs and herbs. Dip eggplant first into egg whites, then breadcrumb mixture. Place in a single layer on a baking sheet that has been sprayed with non-stick cooking spray. Bake for 15 minutes, then flip and bake for another 10 minutes. In a 1-2 quart casserole dish, add a small amount of tomato sauce, then cover with a layer of eggplant rounds. Add some cheese, then another layer of eggplant. Add another layer of sauce. Continue until all eggplant is layered, top with sauce and any remaining cheese. Bake for 10-15 minutes or until heated through.

Delicious! I assembled mine around noon but didn't cook it until later that night, so I had to bake it for about 20-25 minutes to heat it through, but oh, it was delicious.

For the cheese, I used my usual standby - a few pieces of string cheese torn apart. One of my favorite finds in California is the 99 Cent Only store - they sell a lot of name brand products, just in smaller sizes for 99 cents or less. I got a three pack of light string cheeses for 79 cents! And for the tomato sauce, I used this delightful find:

The "no sugar added" distinction sold me - why you need to add sugar to tomato sauce is beyond me. To tell the truth, I have been making my own tomato sauce since moving to California, but I recently ran out of my freezer supply, so I will have to make more soon.

Two servings at about 325 calories each using my ingredients - though you could easily make it three servings at about 215 calories and pair it with a salad.

What about you? How's the weather where you are? How do you like to spend bad weather days?

Roses and thorns

2012-01-20T05:30:00.000-08:00

I have two or three blog posts brewing in my mind - one of which is a more race-focused race recap - but this week, blogging has been my absolute last priority. I came back from Los Angeles on Monday, and classes started Tuesday. I had to move into a new office, get ready for teaching (print syllabi, make lesson plans), and then actually get back into the classroom and teach. My schedule is entirely different from last semester - my courses are at 5 and 6 p.m. instead of 8:30, 9:30, and 10:30 a.m.! - and that has taken a bit of getting used to, mostly with regards to the bus schedule.

So, this week, I took it easy. Ran Sunday, biked twice during the week, but other than that, I have kept it simple. Weight today is 198, same as last week, and I'm alright with that. I would've liked even a small loss, but I know that once I pick up the activity, I'll start moving downward again. I didn't binge, so I'm calling this week a success.

With all this free morning time, I think I want to start going to the gym again. I love running and biking, but I miss some of the structure that came with the gym, not just the machines. Next week's goal: investigate local options.

I also found a local (read: in my little town!) race in February that I registered for. They are doing a 5K/10K for Valentine's Day - I signed up for the 10K. I'm excited - I now have three races lined up over the next few months! Having something wonderful on the horizon helps me stay positive and focused, for sure.

What about you? How was your week? What are you looking forward to this weekend?

Accomplishments

2012-01-17T05:30:00.000-08:00

This past Sunday, I ran my first half marathon. Something that struck me while I ran was that I've never referred to this as "a half marathon." It's always been "my first half marathon." It's as if I've always intended for this to be a beginning, the first of many.

I finished in 2:20:35, a time I'm exceptionally proud of; despite having my carefully selected running playlist in my ears, it's still quite a long time out there on your own, and my mind wandered inward quite a bit. To the beginning, when I decided I had to get healthy before my health decided for me. And to now, in central California, long physical and figurative distances from July 2010 and the way things were at rock bottom.

When I finished grad school in May 2010, the commencement speaker said something that stood out to me very profoundly.

You are University of Illinois alumni. This is an incredible distinction that no one can ever take away from you.

Given my state of mental exhaustion after two years of teaching, taking classes, preparing (and then taking) my comprehensive exams, this bit of wisdom was exactly what I needed to hear. I worked incredibly hard and pushed myself intellectually, and the reward is that for the rest of my forever, I'll be a Master of Arts. No matter where I go or what I do with my life, I will always be able to look back and say look what I did here - look at what I was able to accomplish with some hard work, sacrifice, and dedication.

I've been trying to keep the same mindset with my weight loss. Since relocating, I've had a lot of really great days. But there have also been many dark times, times when I am at my worst. Times when I feel the same as I did at 345 pounds - sad, alone, and worthless. Most of my stress and anxiety about the plateau originates from a few of the initial causes of my super obesity: fear of abandonment and feelings of inadequacy. My phone call to my mother telling her that I was moving to California went unanswered, my voicemail message received no reply. Then I decided to end a long-term friendship shortly after arriving, and my intended long-distance relationship failed quite miserably after only a short time.

And I regained a few pounds, and while I've been able to maintain, essentially, within ten pounds of my Chicago lowest weight, there's a bigger issue here for me: at 195, I'm able to say "I've lost 150 pounds." But for the most part, I've maintained 196-198. It's a seemingly small thing, but knowing what it feels like to be on the other side of the milestone, "I've lost 149 pounds" is a very tough place for me to be. It pains me incredibly. It feels like failure, which is a really terrible and backwards way to see things. The difference between 192 and 198 has caused me so much stress, when I should be focusing on the difference between 198 and 345. I get overwhelmed and frustrated by my lack of progress on the scale, when really, I need to be waving my banner and cheering myself on.

And yes, my mother is still radio silent, but her choices are out of my control. Things with her will work out eventually, I'm sure, and for now, I just need to accept what I *can* control. And yes, I ended one of the most meaningful friendships I've ever had, but with one-hundred-percent certainty, I can say it was the right decision. We learned a lot from one another over the years, but we got to a point where we couldn't grow together anymore. It was time for us to move on, and I have no regrets. And yes, my Chicago-to-California romance didn't work out the way I had hoped, but it was better to end things and move forward than continue to pursue something that neither party was entirely invested in; in doing so, I've been able to spend my time getting to know other people and learning more about what I really want in a relationship.

And as I crossed the finish line, my weight was absolutely the last thing on my mind. I've changed my life. I've saved myself from what I was certain to be an early death due to morbid obesity. I got up. I got moving. And I haven't stopped. I walked. Then I ran. And I've biked, and I've lifted. And every decision, good or bad, has brought me to this moment. Some nights I've gone to bed hungry, and some nights I've gone to bed a bit too full. But I've always woken up with the knowledge that today is a new day, and the only limits to what gets done are my own. My accomplishments are many, and no one can ever take them away from me.

Roses and thorns

2012-01-13T05:30:00.000-08:00

I'm going to get better about consistency with posting weigh-ins. My semester of maintenance is over, and I'm ready to move on and get back to what I know works best for me, a big part of which is the accountability I feel from blogging regularly. Will I get back to daily blogging like before? I don't know. I like the freedom of writing when *I* want. But I do want it to become more regular - at least my Fridays and Sundays. Fridays have always been weigh ins, Sundays are new recipes ... plus Mondays are challenge posts (when there is one going on), and you're subject to my various throughts and ramblings on the other days.

That said, this is a weigh-in post, and I'm down 3 pounds this week, to 198. I'm pleased, for a few reasons. One, because I said I'd be back in onederland and here I am. I may slip sometimes, but I haven't fallen just yet. This plateau hasn't gotten the best of me. And two, because I didn't overdo it with calories in *or* out this week - no excessive bike rides to counter bad eating.

Things that have helped me stay on track this week:

Drinking a gallon of water a day - not only does it flush you out, but it definitely helps curb overeating.

Not buying my trigger foods - huge NSV when I won over the bargaining voice in my head and didn't buy wraps at the store ... "to make sandwiches," the voice said. Ha! Yes, they're a great lunch. But I also know I have a hard time with eating just one wrap, so it's easier to avoid them entirely. Anything good on a sandwich is also good on top of a salad. Win, win.

Eating lots of delicious and healthy foods - using my food processor to make green smoothies (and my new favorite, using half the smoothie to make overnight oats!)...

...and roasting tons of vegetables (I'm entirely addicted to broccoli and brussels sprouts)

Keeping my goals in mind - long-term, I have about 40 pounds to lose in order to reach the higher end of my goal weight spectrum. With a loss of less than a pound a week, this means I could reach my goal weight this year. A little scary, but really awesome. And short-term ... well, I've got some big stuff coming up this weekend.

I can't believe I'm at the end of the training schedule. I can't believe this weekend is here. I can't believe that in a few days, I will be a half-marathoner. It's a crazy feeling. I've been rereading some of the half recaps and lessons learned that I've bookmarked over the years (one of my favorites is Ann's, seriously so helpful!), trying to get as mentally prepared as possible. I'll be heading to Los Angeles tomorrow morning, with plenty of time to think and do some offline writing.

What about you? Have you ever ran a half-marathon? What suggestions or advice do you have for a first timer? Also, what are your favorite overnight oat mix-ins? I want to keep it different all the time so I don't get bored!

Peace

2012-01-10T05:30:00.000-08:00

When we got to San Francisco, I had lost some of my Connecticut binge weight, but I was still over 200 pounds - the highest weight I'd been in six or seven months.

It's interesting, then, that looking at the pictures, I look really, genuinely happy. Not hiding my body. Not ashamed of the regain.

Walking up Lombard Street

Lombard Street and Crissy Field

Coit Tower
I'm out there, actively enjoying a great city with someone who is incredibly supportive of my healthy living goals - and who reminds me that I am lovely and successful even when I see my body at its recent worst.

I've been thinking a lot about seeking peace since reading a post by Mary a few weeks ago:

It may not be my dream, but it is my life and I need to make peace so I can live a full life from where I am.

I know what I want long-term, and I know what I need to do to improve on where I am, but for now, I'm at peace with everything, and that is so completely important. Getting back to Geneen Roth and her ideas about not waiting for "someday" to be happy - when we reach our goals, she says, they will be in the Right Now. And we absolutely have to be mindful of that.

I'm still doing well - eating well, drinking lots of water, running and biking everywhere, and back in onederland as of yesterday morning. My weight is not ideal right now, but the conditions are right and motivation is high, and I am pushing forward in hopes of finally breaking the plateau, of getting to the 180s and then moving forward. It's not a formal resolution, but I know I'm capable of reaching my goal weight in 2012. I'm really looking forward to making progress on this and my other healthy living goals.

In the meantime, though, I'm happy. I've found a peace that has been largely absent since moving to California, and I'm finally feeling settled and ready to pick up where I left off back in August. The semester starts soon, but I'm no longer new here. It seems simple, but this one bit of consistency will help incredibly with getting back to the kinds of routines I had back in Chicago.

What about you? How do *you* make peace with the "right now" - that is to say, how do you stay positive in the present while remaining optimistic about the future?

Dietary indiscretion

2012-01-08T05:30:00.000-08:00

The day before I left Connecticut, I woke up at 4 a.m. to hear someone shouting my sister's name. It was my dad, and since my sister was deep asleep with her bedroom door closed, I ran out to see what was the matter.

... I need to go to the E.R.

I woke up my sister, threw on some clothes, and helped Dad to the car. A half an hour later, he was on a hospital bed, being tested, poked, prodded, and questioned.

Flashback to a few hours earlier. My father is diabetic, and has to regularly test his blood sugar levels. Whether you are diabetic or not, the things you eat and drink affect your blood sugar - but being diabetic means my father needs to be extra careful with what he consumes because his body simpldy does not make enough insulin to properly process glucose. In addition to the diabetes, my father has other health problems that have forced him to need to follow an exeptionally strict diet: he has to watch his sugar, sodium, protein, and liquid intake. The liquid is one of the biggest issues right now, as it is fairly new. Because of kidney failure, my father has to carefully restrict his liquid intake (even with watery foods - tomatoes, for example, count as liquids), and he has to go to dialysis a few times a week. My sister cooks on-plan meals for him and his brother drives him to the dialysis facility since he really can't drive himself anymore.

Since he's started going to dialysis, he's felt better, because he's been more careful about his diet. How he feels is directly related to what he eats. And the night before we headed to the emergency room, his blood sugar tested so high, his home test kit couldn't even register the number. I gave him a shot of insulin to help regulate it, then waited an hour to test again. Still too high - more insulin, another hour. Finally, we got a numeric readout - it was over 500. To put this in perspective, a healthy/normal range is typically between 65 and 105. We waited another hour, and then it was in the 400s. Then the 200s. And then he felt better ... until 4 a.m., when he woke us up because he hadn't slept, and because he'd been having trouble catching his breath all night.

We waited next to his bed as doctors and nurses filed in, one after the other, asking questions, drawing blood, checking his pulse and blood pressure. Finally, he fell asleep and the doctor said they would have him stay for observation now, but we could bring him to his scheduled dialysis later that day, and my sister and I could head home for a few hours to sleep.

Upon returning, we found our father's bed missing from the E.R. The main doctor who had been caring for him said a bed had opened up and he was being dialysed on-site. Dad was wheeled back in shortly thereafter, and after a few talks with several different doctors, it was decided that he didn't need to be admitted to the hospital overnight, but he *would* need an extra trip to the dialysis unit the next day.

It was both a relief and a frustration. Good, because he was mostly fine and I could see him at home before I left. But tough at the same time, because the reason he ended up in the emergency room was, according to his doctor, "dietary indiscretion over the holidays."

Dietary indiscretion.

It's something bloggers have all been talking about since before Halloween - worries and concerns about overdoing it with our holiday eating. For me, it's an important concern, but not life threatening. For my father, though, it's near fatal. He consumed way too many liquids, and his body simply couldn't handle it. It doesn't matter how much he enjoys something - his body has limits and he has no choice but to respect them. There cannot be such thing as an off-plan day for him.

One of the most stressful things about being home for me is seeing how my father takes care of his health - or, more honestly, how he doesn't. I laid out all his pills for him in his daily pill case, but he didn't always take them. He knew he can't be drinking so much, but he did anyway. It's incredibly tough not only to see someone you love deteriorate in front of you, but to know that there are things he could be doing to stay in his best possible condition, yet he chooses not to do them.

It really made me think a lot about my own eating habits. Like I mentioned on Friday with my weigh in, there are a lot of weight-related health problems that run in my family, so I need to control what I can control and do whatever I can to stay as healthy as possible.

Roses and thorns

2012-01-06T05:30:00.000-08:00

I've been an awful blogger. I promised write-ups and recaps, but have been fairly silent. I finally got my Google Reader under 300 to-read posts, but now it's back over 600. There's a semi-good reason, though.

I've been away.

A fairly last-minute getaway to San Francisco. I'd never been, and when Matt told me he'd be there for a few days, I finally got the courage to buy a ticket and travel up there. Just an overnight, about 30 hours total in the city. But it was exactly what I needed to recharge after being in Chicago/Connecticut for a couple of weeks.

Before I get to the San Francisco trip, though, there are some things I need to come clean on.

My last weigh-in was a few weeks ago, and I was at 193 after a week or so of eating well, staying active, and being binge-free. It was just one pound above my lowest California weight, and I was feeling great ... until I wasn't. I got overwhelmed - with the end of the semester, with people and events in my personal life. And I did exactly what Geneen Roth says not to do:

When we are bowled over by grief and our response is to eat a pizza, we halt our ability to move through the grief as well as our confidence that it won't destroy us. If you don't allow a feeling to begin, you also don't let it end.

The pizza didn't make the pile of grading disappear. It didn't change the fact that my relationships are exceptionally confusing and complicated right now. It took care of the physical hunger, but emotionally, I was still starving, and the next morning I woke up seven pounds heavier and now feeling even more anxious and defeated.

I weighed in at 200 pounds the next day as well, the day that I left for Chicago, and my eating there was on-point. In Connecticut, though, it fell apart. I kept running - I ran over 22 miles in the week I was home - but it wasn't enough to undo all the junk I ate. I'm an intelligent person - not to mention someone who has lost over 150 pounds and maintained a good portion of that loss; I know better, so I ought to do better. Diabetes, obesity, heart problems ... these all run in my family. I have it coming at me whether I like it or not, so I need to be extra careful and take care of the things that I *can* control, like my diet and physical activity. But for some reason, when I am back east, my brain doesn't function logically. I forget all my intentions and plans, and eat mindlessly.

It doesn't make sense. I'm deeply depressed because I can see my father's health failing, so I binge eat and avoid going for runs (or even walks). The problem with this, of course, is that his health problems are a direct result of a lifetime of poor eating and inactivity. It's like seeing someone you love dying of lung cancer, and soothing your anxiety with a cigarette.

I could feel the weight creeping back on - not only did I feel physically uncomfortable, but my clothes felt different. My winter coat was a bit more snug, and my fresh-from-the-dryer jeans gave me a ridiculous muffin top. I wasn't sure how much weight I gained, but I assumed it was at least 15-20 pounds. I had been planning on weighing myself the morning after I returned to California, but that night, I had a weight-related nightmare. It was very realistic. I stepped on the scale, waited the few seconds for it to register, and then there it was: 404. I'm not sure why that number or why it stuck out to me so much (unless maybe my subconscious is a nerd - highly likely), but I can understand my thought process.

It would be so easy to get back to 345 pounds. It would be easy to go past it, even, and see new highs. You hear these stories all the time - people lose dozens, even hundreds of pounds, only to regain it plus some. I don't want to be that kind of statistic. I never, ever, EVER want to be that sad, super obese girl again. I want to be healthy and in control. And that's why it feels so good, I think, to get home and get back into my routines. Because I have routines. Healthy ones. Good, nourishing food. Lots of water. Plenty of activity. A week of off-plan eating left me feeling uncomfortable and wanting to get back to the new old me.

And so, after a long bike ride, a gallon of water, and a day of eating clean, the 207 I saw on the scale was already down to 204 the next morning. Then Matt said he'd be nearby, and I quickly threw together a plan to head up there and be with him. Traveling back east isn't really a vacation, per se, so this was a good chance to relax, breathe, and enjoy one of the many parts of California I've never seen before.

In San Francisco, there was a lot of this:

And quite a bit of this as well:

And I came back down another 3 pounds, weighing in this morning at 201. I ate a lot of really delicious "sometimes foods" when we were away, but I didn't obsess over any of it. I didn't overeat or binge. And we walked a ton - including lots of hills. I was satisfied. This is the life I want in maintenance - to enjoy experiences without being consumed with thoughts about food.

It's interesting, though. This is the highest weight I've been in the past six months, but I've received tons of comments and remarks from friends on how great I look in the pictures. It has little to do with the scale, I think, and more to do with my stress level. I was incredibly relaxed, happy to be spending time in a fantastic city with someone I care about very deeply.

Conditions will not always be ideal. I can't always run away for a few days - that's just as bad as a binge. When you get home, when you sober up ... the problems are still there, needing to be addressed. So my main goal for right now, even more than any numeric goals, is to find out how to reconcile my stress eating with my prone-to-fits-of-anxiety lifestyle. Getting control over the urge to binge is harder than any workout, hands down, but it is entirely necessary if I am going to continue to make any progress towards my long-term goals. I just need to remember that when I take care of my binge eating problem, the pounds take care of themselves.

So, there you have it. 201. I'm back on this side of the wall, planning on reentering onederland very soon - and this time, with a one-way ticket. I've been talking a lot with my sisters about the family situations and coping with related stress, and I'll be writing some hopefully-very-cathartic blog posts soon to help clear my mind a little more about my trip back east.

Workouts: December

2012-01-03T05:30:00.000-08:00

My December workout chart is ... interesting.

On the one hand, I biked a lot, logged the most running miles per-month so far (63.83 miles - including my first [and second!] double-digit run), and finally used the Wii Fit again for the first time in what seems like forever. On the other hand, though, I had almost as many rest days as I did back in August when I moved to California. Overall, I'm torn. Pleased with the workouts, but disappointed in my eating when I was back in Connecticut.

I don't know why I am always surprised when being home overwhelms me - for some reason, I always want to think that this time I'll be stronger, this time it will be manageable, even though I know better than to expect perfection. It was better than Christmases past, but still a lot to handle, and I returned to the West Coast in my now-uncomfortably-snug winter coat, dreaming of routines and vegetables and lots and lots of water.

It's hard, in the aftermath of a trip back east, to see the big picture of my year and all its successes. Right now, I'm coming down off of a nearly two week relapse into old habits. I ran in Connecticut, but not enough. If there's one lesson I've learned the hard way this year, it's that you can't out-exercise poor eating.

All in all, I ran 451.99 miles and biked 1949.3 miles this year. I'm very happy - I met my 345-in-2011 goal, and I've fallen in love with biking. My goal for 2012, then, may be a little surprising - I want to log 2012 running/biking miles ... far less than I did this past year. I'll be doing a full 2012 goals post some time in the next couple of days, but basically, I am trying to live by the mantra "do less, better." There was a great post on Scoutie Girl on it a few weeks ago, and I'm in love with the idea. It's perfect for me right now. Don't try to master everything - think smaller, and focus your energies appropriately.

The past few days, I've been mulling over one of my all-time favorite Oprah quotes:

Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.

Such perfection. I had a lot of plans for 2011, and where I stand now, both literally and figuratively, is a place I certainly did not foresee a year ago.

As a teacher, I get a new year every few months or so - the beginning of the academic semesters - and I tend to set goals based on that calendar, rather than the traditional one. Still, right now I am feeling motivated and ready for the next 12 months. After a few hectic days of traveling, I'm still working on catching up on blog reading (about 350 down, 500+ to go), but so far, I've read dozens of lists - goals, resolutions, whatever you want to call them. They're so inspirational, and right now, that is exactly what I need.

What about you? What is your favorite NSV from 2011? What are you looking forward to in 2012?

Falling trees

2011-12-28T05:30:00.000-08:00

Last year, as I headed home for the holidays, I was a ball of anxiety. I'd been doing so well with my weight loss - down about 75 or 80 pounds - and had a killer routine of eating well, hitting the gym, and blogging daily. I was nervous about being back in an environment that not only had me apart from my healthy habits, but was the birthplace and breeding ground for the unhealthy habits that made me 23 and 345 pounds.

I made a very detailed plan - running maps, a little notebook for tracking my food, and even a list of the healthiest possible food choices at any of a dozen restaurants my family was likely to eat at. In spite of my good intentions, the allure of Christmastime-only things that my mother cooked (and some pressure from my family) was too much, and I indulged - within reason. I still worked out, still ran, and ate well every day except Christmas eve/day, and was able to return to Chicago and log a loss.

This year, I was oddly not nervous - my family dynamic has changed entirely, and there wasn't supposed to be a big feast. While the holiday itself was scaled back incredibly, the house is still filled with an abundance of a lot of foods that I do not typically eat or even trust myself to keep in the house - namely, refined carbs. Since moving to California and making close observations of my food patterns, I have remarked that eating processed snacks and refined carbs (like bread, crackers, and pasta) tends to trigger me into overdoing it with snacking. Perhaps because I like to get "the most" out of my calories and would rather have an apple or a banana and 25 grapes than 6 Triscuit crackers, or a few ounces of chicken breast and some veggies than a few ounces of pasta - fruits, veggies, and protein just fill me up more, and that feeling of comfortable fullness is important to me - not stuffed, but satisfied. Bread, pasta, cereal, etc., just don't do that for me.

I would like to be able to control my portions with them someday, but I can only reasonably work on one issue at a time. Right now, as a recovering binge/compulsive eater, it's easier for me to abstain and try to get my weight under control. When it comes to carbs, I'm like an addict ... one is too many, a thousand will never be enough.

Resisting trigger foods can be easy when I am on my own - especially when I'm focused on how lucky and how truly blessed I am instead of fixating on short-term problems like job and relationship stresses. But what I hadn't counted on with this trip back was being faced with the reality of my family situation, and all the emotions that came with that. I haven't been on the East Coast since this time last year; all of the changes here happened while I was away. It's been very difficult, and as an emotional eater, I've made my share of bad food decisions - both in terms of quality and quantity. It's a very poor excuse for actions inconsistent with the ones I know I need to be taking in order to obtain my goals. But in the moment, as I feel myself being overwhelmed and my heart being overtaken with anxiety, grief, and all the emotions I don't adequately deal with while living over 3000 miles away, it becomes easier to give in to old habits, to seek the familiar comfort of a carb crash.

I'll be heading back to Chicago tomorrow, and returning to California two days after that, and to be honest, I am not quite sure what to expect when I step back on the scale. I know how I look, how I feel, and how my clothes fit. But the number itself is unknown to me. There's no scale here, and as a daily weigher, that's been another challenge. Terrible pun aside, I need to find a happy balance for me with the scale. When I weigh daily, it can sometimes be discouraging. But when I don't weigh at all, I tend to feel like I am not in control of the situation. It's almost as if I don't trust my body to keep working unless I am constantly checking up on it's progress in this one measurable way. Sort of like "if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" - if I eat well and stay active but don't weigh myself daily, will I still lose weight?

What about you? How do you stay in control of binge/compulsive eating urges while dealing with family stress at the holidays? How often do you weigh yourself? Any recovering daily weighers - how did you divorce yourself from the scales, so to speak?

Perception

2011-12-23T05:30:00.000-08:00

I made it to Connecticut safely, and have been enjoying my time here so far. Running to the marina and to the beach, spending time with the people I love most in the world, and thinking an awful lot about my weight loss journey. Being home always gives me a lot to think about and reflect on, not to mention plenty of time to do so, so I am gathering a lot of notes and ideas for future posts.

I flew into Hartford's Bradley International Airport on Tuesday morning, and as I walked towards the baggage area where my two sisters were waiting for me, I realized that besides videochatting via Skype, we hadn't seen one another in an entire year. I walked towards them, and although they were looking right at me, it took them a moment for my identity to register. Then, there were hugs, laughs, and stories, and the feelings of familiarity rushed back. The marvelous thing about my siblings is that there is so much genuine love between us - and it has never, ever been affected by my physical body. It's just love, pure and simple.

Though I've recently made a lot of progress on accepting my plateau and not considering myself a failure, I still feel a little depressed about it from time to time. I look in the mirror and feel unsatisfied - which is strange, because when I hit this weight on the way down, it felt amazing; now, after a few months here, the feeling varies.

Something that has been surprisingly difficult since returning to Connecticut, then, is keeping all of this in mind. Because these people have not seen me in a year, the changes seem remarkable to them. The three of us sisters went out to dinner Tuesday night and afterwards I said that I felt huge, and they both said I was being ridiculous. What they see and what I feel are two different beings, apparently.

It makes me think of an idea you see often in books and movies - a character believes him or herself to be living a certain way, only to find out that the people that he or she knows see him or her differently. Am I who I am as I know myself, or am I the person others perceive me to be?

With weight loss, I think it's a mixture of both. Even though an outsider may see a 150 pound loss, I still have trouble seeing the forest through the trees, so to speak. I generally like how I look, even though I still have trouble sometimes seeing the changes in my body and properly acknowledging. But I also know that this is not where I want to end up - this is not my goal. It's tough, but it's a good feeling, I think. I still have work to do, and I haven't lost sight of that.

Heading out

2011-12-19T05:30:00.000-08:00

Last Friday, I bought myself a little pre-Christmas present:

Glorious, no? It's something I've wanted for a while - my small one got left in Chicago - but I was waiting for a refund debit card from the company I use for my home Internet connection. Best part? It was on sale! So I got to get the food processor *and* some spinach, fruit, and unsweetened vanilla almond milk!

It's big enough to use as a blender, too, which I love. I don't really have a problem eating fruits and veggies, but having this healthy smoothie option back in Chicago curbed a lot of my sweet tooth snacking. And - I'm very excited to get back to making my own bean/veggie burgers. And one ingredient "ice cream"!

Today, I am back in Chicago - just a quick pit stop before heading back to Connecticut tomorrow and spending a little over a week there. Then, another day and a half in Chicago before returning to California to get ready for Spring semester 2012!

I'm writing this post before I leave for Chicago, of course, so I hope I made it in one piece ... and that I'm not frozen to death. I bought a hat at the grocery store yesterday since my dad got rid of all my winter stuff back in Chicago - "you won't need it in California!" he said, apparently not realizing I wouldn't be staying here forever.

(I dyed my hair pink, by the way. Needed a change, wanted something fun. I am seriously loving the amazed smile from every little kid. Child, you too will grow up and have a super amazing life.)

The Connecticut shoreline this time of year is about 10-15º colder than my part of California, and Chicago is 15-25º colder than that. I'll be running around trying to do some Christmas shopping today - at the very least, I need to hit up the Lego store and get the Death Star, something my brother has wanted for years but that I can only now afford to buy for him.

I'm surprisingly not worried about Christmas and holiday eating. Thinking back to last year, when I made myself a survival binder and started dreading heading home even before Halloween ... it was a lot of anxiety. This year, things are different. My family dynamic has shifted greatly, and I won't be facing down a big holiday meal or any baked goods - my dad is on a fairly strict eating plan because of his health problems. As strange as it will be to not have Christmas like usual, I'm certainly grateful for a few days in a "safe" food environment.

What about you? How are you planning on enjoying your holidays? What's at the top of your wish list?

Perfection

2011-12-17T05:30:00.000-08:00

Well, that's a wrap, folks. I submitted my course grades last night, so my first semester at my new job in California is officially completed. How good it feels to exhale! It's been an intense four months, without a doubt. It certainly feels like it's been much longer. There have been some great moments, though I've also felt my share of lows ... and not just as far as weight loss has gone.

My lowest official Chicago weight was 192, though I noted 191 in my food journal a couple days later (the day before I left for California); since then, my weight has generally been 196-198. Sometimes it goes up a bit, sometimes it drops down. But it always evens itself out. Essentially, I've been maintaining, and if I had to say my biggest regret about weight loss since moving, it's been that I didn't give myself permission to do so from the beginning.

I wanted to believe that I could seamlessly transition from the Midwest to the West Coast, that despite my entire world changing and being turned upside down, I could keep up my healthy habits and stay motivated to do right by my body. But I know myself better than that, and in denying myself a few months of treading water, I set myself up for feeling like a failure. The pressure to lose weight, on top of all the other pressures I've been feeling, has had me ready to burst for months. In permitting myself to maintain, I still would have ended the semester at my current weight, but I wouldn't feel so broken.

I went for months and months without a binge, but with all the changes suddenly thrust upon me these past few months, it's been all too easy to slip back into the sick comfort of compulsive eating. I'm not proud of it, though I'm taking it as a small victory that my regain has been limited to this 5-7 pound range. There's no doubt in my mind that I could have regained at least 50 pounds since moving - again, because I know myself very well, and I remember all too vividly my past hurts and how I self-medicate with food.

My main goal for 2011 was

"ending negative self-talk ... no excuses. The changing exterior is great, but the physical weight loss won't matter if I still hate the girl inside."

And while I made some great strides, I'm not sure I can say I've accomplished this just yet. One of my worst habits while binge eating is letting the voice in the back of my head step up to its little invisible microphone and berate me while I continue to eat.

Look at you! You're stupid. You're a failure. Your mother was right, you're obsessive and you can't succeed at this long-term. What is wrong with you? Don't you want it bad enough?

And there, essentially, is the basis for my plateau. Right now, I don't want it bad enough. I don't really want it at all. I'm so overwhelmed with changes, I need even just one thing to be constant.

When I started losing weight, I was in Chicago, and everything came together perfectly. I was starting my first full-time job, but it was a job I had already done, with faculty/a staff I had already worked with. It was a new phase in my professional life, but the transition was a smooth one. I had local, offline support. I had the means to transport myself - walking to the grocery store, taking the bus to the gym, riding the train to my races. I set up new routines that were easy to stick to because I felt in control in other areas of my life. Right now, that isn't the case.

It's a weak excuse - you can't wait forever for the "perfect" moment, for an ideal situation where everything is in your favor, because that moment might never come. So my goal for 2012 (besides continuing on my quest to quiet my negative self thoughts) is to redefine *my* perfection. With one semester under my belt, I am looking forward to no longer being new here, to having my familiarity with the job and the town be a constant I can depend on. Conditions might not be flawless or ideal, but I need to do my best with what I have. I'm reminded of one of my favorite blog posts by Ellen:

... we aren't seeing the overall importance of who we are right now, because we are too focused on the small details. We sometimes lose ourselves when we forget the big picture: how far we've come; how much we've changed; what we've learned ... The past isn't as important as the present; I don't care how many times we feel like we screwed up. If it takes 5 times, 20 times or 50 times to let go of these de-motivators, at least we're here, trying.

Because when it comes down to it, I really do want it bad enough. I want to live a healthy, happy, satisfied life. And that satisfaction isn't found in a binge. I felt it when I properly nourished and hydrated my body, when I worked out because I loved to and not to punish myself for overeating, when I felt happy with my life in spite of imperfections because every decision I made was one that supported my long-term goals.

Concern

2011-12-15T05:30:00.000-08:00

The fall semester is coming to a close - which, for anyone on either side of the academic process, is a somewhat light way of expressing an incredibly heavy thought. Both students and teachers know that the last week of the semester, with all the projects/exams to either make/take or create/grade, is one of the most stressful all year.

While we still have a few days to go before the official end, Justin left on Tuesday morning. He's back home on the East Coast now, and when this post goes live, he'll be standing in front of a committee defending his dissertation. I'm nervous, excited, proud, and uncertain, for many reasons. He's been noticeably stressed quite often lately, and I hope everything goes well this morning so he can finally exhale.

I'm sure I'll miss him in the few weeks when we're in separate states on the same coast. But for now, this week ... I'm secretly a little glad that he's not here. I'm surviving finals week in one piece thus far, which I am grateful for; this was notoriously one of my most binge-heavy weeks as a student, and I'm glad to be feeling in control right now. I'm not sure this would be the case if Justin was around.

A few months ago, I wrote a post about observing his healthy eating habits, and how I enjoyed observing someone eat who is not recovering from an eating disorder. And for the most part, I still stand by the things I said. But as his deadlines grew closer, I started to notice a change in his food choices - more refined carbs, fewer vegetables - and it got colder in the mornings, so he started driving to work instead of biking. Up until about a month ago, whenever we ate together, it was always home-cooked - since then, though, we've gone out three or four times. Once a week might not sound like a lot, but considering that I only ate out maybe twice in my first 12 months of weight loss? It's significant for me.

Rereading some of my even older posts, and I found one where I had talked about the difficulties my father was having with sticking to a healthy eating plan while my mother and siblings ate unhealthy foods:

I remember when I first got started with losing weight, and how hard it was to commit to eating better and eating less. Eating habits are among the hardest to break, because they're rarely just about the food itself - there are feelings and emotions, too. Personally, I had always associated food with comfort instead of hunger, so even though I knew better, it was still unbelievably easy to eat junk food in excess - and to give up on diets because I missed those comfortable feelings. This time I stuck with it, formed new habits, and now fast-food cheeseburgers are completely undesirable to me - I prefer the good, clean feeling I have when I nourish my body properly.

That said, if I were continually surrounded by these temptations - especially in the first stages of changing my eating habits - I am not entirely sure I would have been so successful. A lot of people ask me how I could lose so much weight so fast, and to be honest, I think living alone has a lot to do with it. There's no one to come home to who objects to chicken breast for what sometimes feels like the fifteenth night in a row and insists we go out, my treat, come on sweetie, please? Just no more chicken! There are no dinner dates where I have to scour menus nervously and still consciously decide to put half my dinner in a takeout box before the plate is even in front of me. I go to work, I go to the gym, I occasionally run errands. I'm in charge of every decision, and there's very little temptation in such a simple life.

These aren't complaints - for the most part, I like being alone, and at this stage in my life, it's almost a necessity in order to stay focused on my journey. But I think about my father and what he must be thinking, how he must feel sitting at the dinner table with a small fraction of what he's used to eating while everyone else's plates are piled with pizza and not a vegetable in sight. And I can understand his desire to take off to Florida and wanting to be in control of this part of his life, even if I can't understand why he would act on the desire given his physical condition.

It's much easier for me to stay focused when I'm entirely concentrating on cooking and caring for one. The reality, though, is that that isn't sustainable long-term, considering that I would like to one day be married and have a properly nourished, healthy, happy family of my own. There will be other people's tastes and opinions to consider. Now, in the short-term, where I find myself cooking for two once or twice a week, I still try to do what I did when I first started eating better: healthier versions of the things I was craving as I detoxed from my unhealthy habits. But wanting to cater to someone else's desires occasionally wins.

Last week, he was cooking us dinner (a homemade version of the Thai lettuce wraps we'd shared at the Cheesecake Factory), and I said I was glad that we were eating something with vegetables. I was sitting on one of the kitchen island's stools while he chopped up cucumber, tomatoes, red onion, and carrots, and I told him about a dream I'd had a few days earlier: we were both in my childhood bedroom back in Connecticut, holding each other and kissing a little, when suddenly he jumps up and runs out of the room - I think he's going to get a condom, but he comes back with a giant bowl of popcorn. The significance of this is, I think, pretty obvious.

I honestly believe there's a place for everything in my long-term eating plan. I had one piece of quiche, and felt satisfied - but Justin ate four. Half a quiche is more calories than I eat all day. I commented that he must be starving, and he said "it's just really good." And I felt conflicted.

I love that he loves my cooking, but at the same time, I hate feeling responsible for his recent weight gain. It isn't much, and I have no worries that he'll slim back down once the dissertation stuff is done with. But still, I feel guilty. I know it's his choice to eat things or not, in whatever quantities he wants. But I also know that as a recovering food addict, what you actually want is not usually food. I care about him very much, and seeing his habits shift with his stress level has been difficult. It may be a smaller scale than I have experienced as a binge eater, but it's still stress eating.

What about you? Do you cook for a friend/partner/spouse/family? How do you encourage healthy eating habits while also keeping everyone feeling satisfied? What are some of your go-to recipes when cooking for two or more?

Pouring

2011-12-11T05:30:00.000-08:00

I've always loved the expression "when it rains, it pours." I love rain, thunder, lightning ... ever since I was a little kid. As lovely and warm as a sunny day can be, there's certainly something to be said for pouring rain all day long. The sound, the smell, the feeling. Absolutely nothing like it. It's one of the things I miss the most since moving to California (it's only rained two or three times since I moved here - a far cry from the wet Chicago summer we just had).

But even though the image of rainstorms is pleasant to me, that doesn't seem to be the popular opinion, and I don't think I've ever heard the phrase used positively. It means that when something goes wrong, a shower of other bad things tends to follow.

It doesn't have to mean that, though, does it? We can have good things happen one after another, right? I think we tend to overlook when wonderful stuff happens. We can list the tough stuff one after another, and only in extremes do we become "a complainer." But (at least for me, anyway), as soon as I start listing the great things that have been happening, I start to feel self-conscious, and fear that I sound like I'm bragging.

Today, I'm owning my victories.

I'm eating well. The scale is moving in the right direction. And yesterday, I finally accomplished a goal I've been striving towards for months:

Not only sub 30, but sub 29.

I woke up early, went to the university to give a final exam, came home, and napped. After my nap, I was going to skip my run, but pushed myself to do it - remembering something seen I've variations of on dozens of blogs, Tweets, pins, etc.:

you never regret running, but you will regret not running.

So I ran. And after 2 miles, I wanted to quit. But I wasn't home anyway, so I pushed myself for the last mile. And when I hit mile 3 in 27:53, I realized what I was about to do. And I kept going.

The first year or so of my journey was full of goal-setting followed by goal-reaching, and so something I've struggled with a lot since moving has been the transition time; just coasting and trying to maintain my sanity has been necessary, but very difficult considering the giant leaps with weight loss and physical fitness I had consistently taken forward in the twelve months prior. Stability has been my top priority, and it's still something I'm seeking. But I'm finally feeling a little settled in my little California farm town. Being able to celebrate a few victories like weight loss and personal records ... well, I'm feeling a kind of joy and happiness that I haven't felt in a few months, and that I've missed incredibly.

I still have more than my share of very difficult days - this is not an easy place to live, especially transitioning from a world-class city like Chicago. But it's getting easier, and I'm so grateful. I'm committed to doing all I can to not just survive here, but thrive.

Roses and thorns

2011-12-09T05:30:00.000-08:00

It's almost the end of the year, and I'm getting a little introspective. Looking back on my goals for 2011, and thinking about all the progress I've made - not just weight-wise, but also overall mental and physical health. I'll write about it all when I have a bit more time - this week has been quite busy and shows no sign of slowing at the moment, as it is finals week, and now I am heading to the office to make my final exams for my courses. Yesterday was the last day of class and my students applauded as I thanked them for a fantastic first semester. Given all the semester's struggles, that little moment of recognition felt great.

I haven't shared a weigh-in in a while, so I suppose I'm due for one. I've still been weighing daily, but like always, I typically just look at the number and then carry on; since Ben has been recording and sharing his daily weights, I've started keeping track of mine in an Excel spreadsheet.

I'm not sure if it's seeing the numbers there (and being forced to remember them and note patterns) or general motivation or what, but it's working.

Another visual:

Nothing feels better than moving forward in a good direction.

193 is the lowest weight on weigh-in day that I've recorded since August ... before I left Chicago. My lowest weight so far is 192, and I'm trying not to count any chickens before they hatch, but I'm feeling good about making progress from here.

I was looking over my other progress spreadsheets (yes, there are several) and realized that in 2010, I lost 80 pounds. If I get to 185 by December 31, it'll be another 80 in 2011. Not to mention that 185 is already an incredibly significant number for me, as it would move my BMI from obese to overweight. It's a big goal, but I'm feeling confident and ready to reach it.

The bumpy little rough patch marks a significant time in my life, full of countless changes; and as frustrating as it has sometimes been, I have no regrets about an entire semester of weight maintenance. But the time is right for me to get seriously focused again. No dilly-dallying. No excuses.

Athlete

2011-12-06T05:30:00.000-08:00

On Saturday night, Justin and I headed to Fresno, a small city about an hour south of us, for dinner. He said he wanted to go to The Cheesecake Factory, and my whole body tensed up. I told him that it's the worst restaurant on the planet in terms of calories and sodium, and he said he just really wanted their Thai lettuce wraps. I could have easily made them at home (and the next night, he did - just as delicious and certainly healthier), but that wasn't really the point, I suppose. Sometimes, you just need to get out of town.

We shared one order of them, and both immediately said "no, thank you," when the waitress asked if we were interested in any cheesecake or ice cream. I've been a little concerned about our eating lately (I'll be writing about that later this week), and so this was a very good thing, I thought. No pressure. I honestly didn't want it, which was a great feeling - in the past, I'd eat a piece there *and* take one home for later (which almost always meant "later that evening, when my friends weren't watching").

Since we'd driven an hour or so to get there, we decided to walk around the mall a little bit, to stretch and explore. It was pretty standard, as far as malls go. But it was nice to walk and talk and enjoy some good company.

The first shop we went into was Brookstone. If anyone is unaware of this place, it's a fascinating little odds-and-ends place - the front displays were bathrobes, a plastic shelf for holding your iPad while you read, and a massaging chair. We went over to the display of massagers and took turns trying them all out on each others backs through our coats. Absolutely glorious.

We returned to the front of the shop and Justin asked if the sales clerk would give him the five minute demonstration of the massage chair that was advertised on a sign posted right next to it. He sat down, and the girl started fiddling around with the buttons and switches. He said it felt incredible, and I continued to peruse the store while he made small talk with the clerk.

I made my way back about a minute later, and the clerk was telling Justin that the chair is a very popular model, and that athletes use it to relax their muscles. Justin looked at me and smiled, and said "You should get this!"

Then, the response I anticipated, but that surprised him.

The sales clerk looked at me and said, "You're an athlete?"

Deep exhale. I bit my tongue and shoved my hands deeper into my coat pockets.

"Yeah, kind of."

Justin looks shocked, and defends me. "Yes, she is. She's a runner."

And the clerk looks me up and down, and the conversation ends there.

I'm used to people reacting like that. After decades of being this way, I've come to understand that people don't expect much of a big girl. It's not right and it's not fair, but at least it hurts less than it used to. I know the truth, and I use it for fuel. Right now, we're standing in a gadget store at the mall. Tomorrow morning, I'll be running eight miles - five fewer than I'll be running in six weeks at my first half marathon.

A few weeks ago, Tim reminded me of one of my absolute favorite motivational sayings:

if you have a body, then you are an athlete.

One of the greatest lessons I've learned on my weight loss journey is that you can't judge anyone based on outside appearances. I might not look like someone's ideal image of an athlete. But I also don't look like I used to 150 pounds ago. My body is perfect the way it is - and so is yours. We are wonderful and lovely and capable of amazing things.

Workouts: November

2011-12-02T05:30:00.000-08:00

For November, my goals were simple: run more and bike less. And I can say with confidence that I succeeded at both.

I logged 41.1 miles of running in November - much more than the 24.5 miles in October! My half marathon training is going exceptionally well - last Sunday I knocked out an amazing 7 miler, and tomorrow I'm set to do 8. My mid-week runs, I work on speed; on, Sunday long runs, though, I take it nice and slow. Focus on distance, and run at my intended race pace for practice. I'm very pleased with the splits from my last long run:

I can't say it enough, I love running long and slow. As much as I desperately want that sub-30 5k (I tried again a few weeks ago and was slow hitting the stop on my Garmin, and it turned to 30:00. Blerg! That was my closest yet!), I really love the feeling of running for over an hour. The feeling of physical health, yes, but also, intense mental clarity. With the end of my first semester here at my new university winding down, I couldn't ask for a better stress reliever.

I biked 296.9 miles in November - still quite a bit, but nothing compared to the 519.66 miles I had logged in October. I'm very happy about this because the scale still isn't moving. That might seem backwards, but hear me out - the scale didn't move with 200+ more miles logged, either. I didn't overdo it on the biking because I had to counteract huge binges. My eating in November was not ideal, but certainly better than previous months, and I'm pleased with where I'm looking to end up by the end of the year.

It's strange to think we're already at the end of the year. I'm working on a list of 2012 goals, which I'll share later this month (as soon as I finish). I'm still so in awe of all this year's changes and transitions - with weight, with location, with friends, with family. But all in all, this year has been a good one, full of hard-learned lessons and so many wonderful people and moments. Looking back on my 2011 goals, I feel incredibly pleased with my progress, and I'm looking forward to the year closing with as much passion and excitement that I had at its beginning.

What about you? How was your November? What are your goals for December? What is the best advice you've heard for surviving the holidays?

Eggplant "bacon"

2011-11-27T05:30:00.000-08:00

Last Monday, I hosted my second dinner party since moving to California - this time, it coincided with my book club's second meeting. We discussed F. Scott Fitzgerald's "Tender is the Night" - a surprisingly tough read for me. By the end, it was better, but the first part was a struggle - I just didn't fall head-over-heels the way I did with "The Great Gatsby."

Given the story's settings in France (both the South, and Paris) and in New York, I had originally intended to prepare dinner to match the theme. Unfortunately, while the south of France is well known for seafood dishes, one of the guests is a vegan/social vegetarian (will eat eggs/dairy), so my adventures in bouillabaisse will have to wait. Since the meeting also synced up with my birthday, I decided to venture into pizza making. I love pizza, but cannot not eat it all on my own, so having six or seven other people to cook for made this the perfect opportunity.

In Chicago, before getting healthier, I'd make pizza all the time. I would hop on a couple of buses to a little Italian bakery on Grand Avenue that sold raw pizza dough by the pound (and arancini, and cannoli, and amazing non-deep dish pizza by the slice - I'd get something to munch on while waiting for my pizza to cook, of course). It was amazingly delicious, and my mouth is watering thinking about how many little things I miss about living in The City of Neighborhoods, things that are unavailable in small town California.

Since D'amato's just isn't an option right now, I decided to try and make my own crust. I used The Pioneer Woman's recipe, which was not only delicious but ridiculously easy.

The star of the pie, though, was not the crust, but the delicious smoky eggplant "bacon" I topped it with. I have seen several different recipes around on different websites, and combined the suggestions of a few of them to make these bits of crispy veggie deliciousness:

1 1 lb. eggplant, handsliced in 1/8" slices
1/4 c. low sodium soy sauce
2 tbsp. liquid smoke
olive oil cooking spray

Preheat oven to 425º. Arrange eggplant slices in a single layer on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper and lightly sprayed with cooking spray. Bake for 8 minutes, then flip, respray, and bake for another 3-5 minutes or until lightly browned and a little crispy. Remove from oven and reduce heat to 350º. Combine soy sauce and liquid smoke and dip eggplant slices into the mixture, then replace them on the baking sheet. Bake for 3-5 minutes or until cooked through.

As easy as that! Crispy like bacon. Smoky like bacon. But meat-free and much lower in calories! I put them on the pizza with baby portobello mushroom slices, homemade tomato sauce, and a blend of Italian cheeses - not exactly a low calorie dinner, but better than if I had used real bacon.

Since the eggplant didn't soak up all the soy sauce/liquid smoke mixture, I saved the rest of it and tried basically the same recipe with brussels sprouts yesterday afternoon - I heated the oven to 400º, tossed a pound of halved sprouts with the leftover liquid (about half the original recipe), then arranged them split-side-down on a baking sheet I had sprayed with cooking spray. I baked them for 5 minutes, then flipped them over and baked them for 8 more.

I loved brussels sprouts before. But I think I love them even more now.

I want to investigate more into liquid smoke, and see what I can do with it - if I could use it without the soy sauce, since even low sodium soy sauce is very salty. Liquid aminos, perhaps? We'll see. Expect more good things from my kitchen soon!

What about you? What new ingredient(s) have you tried lately?

Love and clean water

2011-11-26T05:30:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite French expressions is vivre d'amour et d'eau fraîche - I first discovered it through a vocabulary-based mailing list that described it as such:

Have you ever been truly, madly, deeply in love? Then the French expression vivre d'amour et d'eau fraîche or se nourrir d'amour et d'eau fraîche might describe how you felt, as if you didn't need food, friends, family, or anything else but your love and maybe a bit of water to survive.

Literally meaning "to live on love and clean water," it's most commonly translated as "to live a carefree existence, with no worries or responsibilities." You hear it sometimes used with a negative connotation, but that wasn't the one I had on my mind these past few days.

I canceled all my classes on Wednesday - attendance is usually so poor the day before Thanksgiving that it simply isn't worth it to hold class - but Justin still had to work all day, so around 5 that evening, we headed north for Shasta Lake, a small man-made waterway about five hours or so away.

I spent all day Wednesday making CDs of music and audiobooks for us to listen to en route, but he failed to tell me that burned CDs very rarely work in his car's CD player. So we talked. And talked. And talked. And luckily, he had a few audiobooks in his car - a couple collections of Sherlock Holmes stories - so we'd listen to one, then talk some more.

We got to the cabin quite late - it was a long drive, and luckily we didn't hit any Thanksgiving traffic, but with a couple of pit stops (gas for the car, dinner for him - I anticipated road food and ate a big healthy lunch a few hours before we left), we ended up at our cabin around 11 p.m., and we fell asleep right away. (In separate beds, don't worry.)

We slept in a little, and then I made breakfast - we brought eggs, bacon, and whole wheat bread - I don't eat bacon, but he does. I made The Pioneer Woman's egg-in-a-hole for both of us while he set to figure out how to roast the turkey breast we brought. (Since it was just the two of us, and we both prefer leftover sandwiches to the full holiday spread, it was perfect for us.) Having forgotten a roasting pan, and with only saucepans and frying pans in the cabin, we had to get a little inventive, but it worked. While it roasted, we played a little Scrabble, and I showed him no mercy.

When the meat was done cooking, we suited up and headed down to the lake. A few weeks ago, Justin bought a tandem sit-on-top kayak, and we brought it along with us. He wore a wetsuit; I wore his waders and fishing shoes over my thermal shirt and sweatpants.

It was an unbelievable experience, on several levels. First, because I was on a kayak at all - the weight limit is 400 pounds, and a year or so ago, this wouldn't have been physically possible. Second, even if the weight limit were higher, I wouldn't have done it, I would have been too afraid. (In fact, I probably wouldn't have come to the cabin at all, for fear of the embarrassment of being too big to do anything.) Third, Justin is a fit and healthy guy, and I was wearing his waders and his fleece jacket. Wearing anyone else's clothes is astonishing to me. I didn't think they would fit before I put them on, and he assured me they would - sure enough, they went on with no problem ... and room to spare.

As Justin is an avid fly fisher, and this lake is supposedly one of the best for fishing in California, we brought fishing poles and flies to troll for fish while we paddled around. The weather was overcast, which he said fish like (too much sun has them hiding, as they feel exposed to predators), but we still didn't catch anything. I was hoping to accomplish #92 from my 101-in-1001 list ("Catch a fish.") but we'll go out again soon, he promised.

I fished and he paddled, then we pulled over to the side of the lake and switched places in the kayak. After almost two hours of paddling around, he declared he was hungry and ready for some turkey sandwiches, so we quickly rowed back to shore. I took a quick shower while he prepared the sandwiches, and let me tell you, it was the most delicious turkey sandwich I'd ever eaten. I may have just been starving from the workout of all that paddling, but regardless, it was absolutely perfect.

Earlier that morning, Justin had asked what my family did on Thanksgiving, and I told him that we ate our meal, took a family nap, and then watched "It's a Wonderful Life," one of my dad's favorite movies. So after our sandwiches, we napped (again, separately), then he suggested we go to the nearest city (about 20 minutes away) to see a movie. We ventured out and saw "Hugo," which I was unsure about (the previews seemed interesting but not anything I felt overly compelled to see), but I'm so glad we saw it. It was absolutely marvelous. I loved it.

More sandwiches and Scrabble at home before retiring for the night. The next morning, more of the same. He slept in later than I did, so I walked down to the lake to explore and take some pictures. The skies were clearing up and the sun was coming out, which was really nice.

More talking, more eggs, more Scrabble, and then we packed up and headed out. Before making the trek back to our little town, though, we made a side journey to Lassen Volcanic National Park. The rain we had seen at Shasta Lake was snow there, so we couldn't go too far into the park. But we drove in as far as we could, then hiked around for an hour or so around Manzanita Lake.

We could see trout swimming in the lake, and immediately regretted leaving the fishing poles in the car. I did, however, still get to accomplish something on my 101-in-1001 list: #91, go hiking. It was so nice, being out in the woods and breathing the clean air. At one point, we found ourselves stuck with a stream between us and the continuation of our path, and we had to shimmy across this pipe - about six feet in the air. Justin did it without a problem, of course.

But I was shaking with nervousness. I can't do this. Come back. Let's turn around. I made my way across, balancing so delicately. I was convinced I would fall, but I kept my cool, took it slow, and I made it!

I told Justin after crossing about the issues with balance that I used to have when I first started losing weight - physical balance, where I would fall out of bed because I wasn't yet used to the reduced effort it now took to throw my body out of the bed. He laughed in a warm way - not in mockery, but more of surprise. There was a sense of understanding even though he couldn't relate with an experience of his own. He said what I have done is remarkable, not only because I am healthy now, but because I've had the chance to live two entirely different lives in my one short lifetime.

He's right, and I don't often think about it that way - I've made the connection, of course, but I try not to dwell on it. I've only seen the negative side of the comparison, that I have a new body and a new life that I've never known before, and this new way is scary and confusing. There are countless positives, though - good things to focus on, so much of the world that I can now see and experience that I wouldn't have been able to before (or that I would have denied myself because I didn't see my life as being one of value, one that ought to be filled with as many wonderful things as possible).

Game plan

2011-11-23T05:30:00.000-08:00

One of the many contributing factors to my plateau has been my attempts to widen my social circle. It started when I was dating Matt - a skipped workout here and there, and then making excuses with my eating. This was the case with friends this summer, too - it was easy to meet up for lunch or frozen yogurt and hang out talking for hours. Do I regret it? Absolutely not. For someone who spent years upon years sitting on her couch, lying and making ridiculous excuses to friends about why I couldn't meet them here or there, this was a long overdue venture into some semblance of a social life.

Something I've honestly believed since starting to get healthier is that my living alone has been a major factor in my weight loss success. Whatever food is in the house is here because I have bought it; I can stick to a daily workout schedule there's no one around to convince me otherwise. This idea seems to have been especially true at holidays. The off-plan eating temptations don't worry me ... because there aren't any - no need for a huge holiday spread when there's no one else around.

Last year for Thanksgiving, I made a piece of chicken with salsa, broccoli, and reheated some leftover spaghetti squash with cheese - after walking an 8k race that morning, it was perfect.

This year, I am not racing (and I'm a little heartbroken). And - I will not be alone. Justin and I will be celebrating the holiday together - leaving tonight for a bit of a road trip. I'm not worried, though. We will be eating well and staying active, and we will still enjoy the holiday.

As for the details (the where and what of adventure), I'll reveal more when we return (late Friday, so an update Saturday, perhaps). I'm certainly excited to get away for a while, to not worry about all the things on my emotional plate right now (my dad was admitted to the hospital yesterday for something fairly serious).

Hope all the folks celebrating Thanksgiving enjoy it - and for everyone else, happy regular Thursday!

Quarter life crisis

2011-11-20T05:30:00.000-08:00

Today, I am 25 years old.

Last night, as the clock approached 12:00 a.m., I found myself staring at it, counting down the final minutes of 24. In the last few seconds, I took an incredibly deep breath, and held it. The hours and minutes reset as the date changed from the 19th to 20th, and I exhaled. It felt heavy. Like I was letting go not just of the number 24, but of everything I've experienced this past year.

I'm about 75 pounds less than I was on my birthday last year - about half of my total loss so far - and accompanying every physical ounce of that has been pounds and pounds of emotional weight. It's interesting: the beginning of my year was very strong for both the numbers on the scale and the feeling of overall peace and emotional lightness. But both seem to have plateaued in the past couple of months. I'm finding balance lately, and even though I'm still at a relative stand-still with my weight loss, I'm feeling a bit more like my cheerful old self. But believe me when I say this peace has been hard earned.

I'm turning 25 in onederland, the first birthday here since I was a preteen. But this isn't the only new location I've discovered this year. I'm 2167 miles away from where I imagined I'd be celebrating this birthday. In several aspects, I can say that I'm in a place I never imagined I'd end up.

In the ten minutes leading up to midnight, I was chatting a bit back and forth with Matt about perception of age. It's certainly different for males and females; for me, at 25, I feel old. It's a little silly, I know. Age, I think, is kind of like clothing size. I can be anywhere from a medium to an extra large still depending on the store, so that really isn't a measure of progress for me anymore; a person can feel old at 25 and young at 90, depending on the quality of the life he or she is living. Don't pay too much attention to the numbers, just focus on how you look and feel.

My feeling of malaise isn't necessarily founded upon a feeling of dissatisfaction with the way things are right now, but more a nervousness based on what I thought I would be doing at this age and what I'd like to do in the next five years or so. My current heavy thought is on my personal relationships - romantic, but not only. I always assumed I'd marry young. My mother did - by the time she was my age, she was married and pregnant with her second child. I've gotten to know a few guys this year - all interesting, but mostly the wrong ones, for one reason or another, with the exception of one that I believe to be someone who'll become increasingly present and important to my life story in the next few weeks, months, and hopefully years. But I'm still quite far from being even close to considering marriage right now.

I'm also at an interesting crossroads with my friend and family relationships. With the exception of a few nasty e-mails and blog comments, I haven't spoken to my mother in over half a year. I terminated my six year friendship with my best friend from college with absolutely no regrets - it had run its course - but just like with most very close relationships, our separation brought the tough realization that in losing her, the relationship dynamic with most of my other friends from college is also forced to shift. I found a group of healthy, active people in Chicago, but that was met with the challenge of physical distance within a month and a half. We keep in touch, and I know I'll run with them again someday, but it was still so hard to feel like I finally met some people with similar goals, only to lose them just as soon as they had been found.

I've even grown distant from the blogging community I used to feel so much love and support from, due in part to bad experiences but also, my plateau and feelings of failure. To lose 150 pounds in a year and then nothing at all for months and months has been very painful for me. Claire put it exceptionally well when she told me that

With so much success so quickly, your standards are high.

I agree, and in the back of my mind, I know it's silly to stress out so much over gaining and losing the same few pounds. Given my past with binge eating disorder and my tendency to cope with stressful situations via compulsive eating and inactivity, I ought to be at least content, if not happy; all things considered, I'm just thrilled that my highest weight during all this has been 8 pounds higher than my lowest recorded Chicago weight, and that for the most part, I'm maintaining at 4-6 pounds higher.

When I was in Chicago a few weeks ago, I got to hang out with my cousin Sarah and her boyfriend Marty. All along this journey, they've been my strongest supporters, without a doubt. I felt very conflicted before seeing them, because as much as I love them, I was also feeling very ashamed that I've made no progress in the months since moving to California. Per usual, though, they made me feel incredibly better about everything. First, they explained, no progress in terms of pounds lost doesn't translate into no progress, period. And second, it's okay to take a little time to maintain and figure out what my goals are for this new chapter of my life, and what I need to do in order to reach them.

Marty reminded me that it took me twenty-three years, two of which were in Chicago, to get to a point where I was ready to make the changes I needed in my life. Everything aligned - the timing was right, with a perfect work situation and familiarity with my location that allowed me to transition my habits and routines into healthier ones. Right now, I'm still figuring California out. I didn't gain the weight overnight. I didn't lose 150 pounds overnight. And I can't expect myself to be completely, perfectly, peacefully transitioned after a few weeks or months. This semester, I need to focus on discovery: of my town, of my job, and of myself. Continue to eat well, keep moving. But don't call maintenance failure when it's exactly what's appropriate for the situation.

And so, today, I am 25 years old. Not where I thought I'd be, but nonetheless happy to be here. And happy to be healthy. And a runner. And a big sister. And a friend, both long- and short-distance. And employed full-time. I'm happy to be enjoying and celebrating as many these things as I can - not just today, but every day.

Roses and thorns

2011-11-18T05:30:00.000-08:00

I've been writing a lot less in general, but this week I was extra silent. To be honest, this has been a pretty exhausting week mentally.

I had my first observation by my new coordinator on Wednesday, which was mildly stressful - I typically enjoy getting observed, but since this was my first time at this new university, I guess I was just extra nervous. It was also interesting, I suppose, because my coordinator doesn't speak a word of French. I think that somehow made me more nervous; since it's introductory French, even someone who doesn't speak a word of the language should still be able to understand most of what I am trying to communicate. I think it went well, though - we'll meet to discuss after the Thanksgiving break. She did say afterwards that she enjoyed the class and that she loves my French accent, if that counts for anything!

Another thing that made this week stressful was a discussion I had with one of my students, who was discussing the lecturer who previously held my position at this university, and some specifics on why she was let go from the job. Without getting into too many details of the situation, I guess there was a tragic incident involving one of our students, and her relationship with the young man (professionally) was called into question.

It had me thinking a lot about the students I work with, and about people in general. How you never really know someone's story, so you ought to treat everyone fairly and with respect. It reminded me of a kid I taught back in Chicago. To be totally honest, I couldn't stand him - he was incredibly annoying and a bit of a smart aleck. But the kid adored me and my class - at the end of the school year, he even gave me a copy of a film he told me repeatedly that I should watch (but that I never really sought out on my own). In the second semester of teaching him, he missed two weeks of class at a time; he later came to my office with documentation because he had spent some time in the hospital. This was a very boisterous, very social kid that I would not have imagined to have issues with stress, anxiety, and depression. And since then, I guess I've taken extra care in observing student behaviors, in making sure everyone feels welcome and comfortable in my classroom, that I don't show preferences or treat any student differently than anyone else.

With that weighing pretty heavily on my heart, I've also been feeling a little down because it's my birthday this weekend. I guess that deserves a post of its own, though, so I'll expand upon that on Sunday with whatever recipe I dream up.

Weight is down two more pounds this week, to 196. I'm glad to be losing, but not celebrating anything just yet. My new eating plan seems to be working - but the real test will be continued loss and dropping into the 180s. I've figured out how to turn a good day into a string of good days, and those become an overall good week. Now: to practice stringing together good weeks.

I still owe you my thoughts on my plateau after conversations I had in Chicago. Soon, I promise.

Fire Up: Week Nine

2011-11-14T05:30:00.000-08:00

My positive picture for the week:

I ran five miles yesterday for my half marathon training - my longest distance since I left Chicago. As much as I love short and fast runs, there's something really relaxing and enjoyable about taking it easy and running for a long time. Claire, my healthy living idol and Do Life twin soul back in Chicago, posted a brilliant quote on her blog a while ago that hits it perfectly for me, I think:

I knew aerobic exercise was a powerful antidepressant, but I hadn't realized it could be so profoundly mood stabilizing and - I hate to use the word - meditative. If you don't have answers to your problems after a four-hour run, you ain't getting them.

Christopher McDougall, "Born to Run"

I'm not quite at four hours yet, but I know the feeling, and I love it.

What have you done this week towards your goals?

(1) I weighed in before I left for Chicago at 198. Came home 200. Last Friday, I was back to 198. My 185 goal will not be met, but as long as I continue to make progress in the right direction, I will feel okay about this.
(2) After dinner eating has not been an issue in a few weeks - that I am certainly pleased about.
(5) I completed another 101-in-1001 goal: #98, make a wish at 11:11 on November 11, 2011.

I was out riding my bike when it happened. I'm not typically a wisher, but with all those elevens, it felt appropriate, and I cast my wish out at just the right time. Can't say what I wished for because then it won't come true, but I can already see gears in motion, and I'm feeling very hopeful.

What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?

I started eating differently. I don't want to get too into it until I make significant progress, but I just feel amazing. I was 200 pounds last Monday and am down to 196 as of yesterday morning. Einstein famously defined insanity as "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Mixing things up is just what I needed, I think - I've been at a plateau for far too long, and for a smart person, I've certainly been ignoring the obvious in terms of what needs to happen.

Something I'm proud of:

Full jars of peanut butter are still a few steps away, but I'm at a point where I can keep the single-serve containers in the house again. I had some on a banana after my run yesterday morning, and it suddenly dawned on me that the container of peanut butter only has 250 calories if I eat the whole thing. Just take a scoop out, spread it on the banana, and save the rest for later. Totally simple, but a necessary lightbulb moment.

Mark my words: I'm gonna do well at this long-term.

What is the most positive thing you've taken away from this challenge?

Strengthening my stick-to-it-ive-ness. I'm not going to make the most important goal I set for myself, but I'm far from throwing in the towel.

It's your last week, the run to the finish, what is your priority?

Keep eating well, keep moving, keep getting enough sleep, keep drinking enough water, keep saving money, keep being positive.

Desert Island, you can take 1 person, 1 famous person, and 3 items besides food and water. Who and What do you take?

1 - My little brother, because I miss him so much these days. Chicago and Connecticut were far enough apart, but now we're on opposite coasts, and it's tough.
2 - Julia Child, if she were alive. Her book "My Life in France" completely changed my life. So inspirational!
3 - notebooks/pens for documenting everything, a Scrabble board, and my running gear :)

Pumpkin black bean chili

2011-11-13T05:30:00.000-08:00

It's finally starting to look and feel like autumn in central California, and not a moment too soon. It's still relatively warm compared to what I'm used to, between Connecticut and Chicago. But the leaves are changing and starting to fall just in time for my birthday next Sunday, so that's good enough for me. It's funny, as a kid, I always wanted a pool party for my birthday, but seeing as my birthday is in the end of November, that just wasn't possible. I don't think I'll be swimming on my birthday, but it's technically an option, and that's so strange to me.

It brings to mind one of my favorite quotes by Margaret Atwood:

As for my birth month, a detail of much interest to poets, obsessed as they are with symbolic systems of all kinds: I was not pleased, during my childhood, to have been born in November, as there wasn't much inspiration for birthday party motifs. February children got hearts, May ones flowers, but what was there for me? A cake surrounded by withered leaves? November was a drab, dark and wet month, lacking even snow; its only noteworthy festival was Remembrance Day. But in adult life I discovered that November was, astrologically speaking, the month of sex, death and regeneration, and that November First was the Day of the Dead. It still wouldn't have been much good for birthday parties, but it was just fine for poetry, which tends to revolve a good deal around sex and death, with regeneration optional.

So brilliant.

One of the odd things about the late onset autumn is that it's felt a little strange eating typical fall foods. I don't crave soups because it's still warm - it still feels like sandwich and salad season. So with the current chilly weather, I've taken advantage and made some soups for loading up my freezer.

Exhibit A:

Pumpkin black bean chili. Delicious, nutritious, simple, and cheap. My four favorite things!

1 medium sweet onion, diced
3 cloves of garlic, minced
2 15 oz. cans of black beans, rinsed and drained
1 cup of canned or frozen corn
1 15 oz. can of pumpkin purée
28 oz. fire roasted diced tomatoes
1 cup of vegetable broth
1/4 c. water
1 1/2 tbsp. paprika
1 tbsp. chili powder
1 1/2 tsp. dried oregano
1/4 tsp. cayenne pepper

In a 6-8 quart pot over medium heat, cook onions in water until translucent. Add garlic and cook until fragrant, but not overly browned. Add all spices and stir. Add vegetable broth and let simmer for 2 minutes. Add all remaining ingredients and bring to a boil, then reduce hear and simmer (covered) for 45 minutes, stirring occasionally.

This was amazingly delicious, with a nice subtle pumpkin flavor (I made it a week or so ago, and ate one of my frozen containers last night - the pumpkin definitely was more pronounced in the leftovers). With the ingredients I used, it made six big servings for 195 calories each. I also made my dad's cornbread to go with it - which I also cut into six pieces and froze in individual bags, to take out with the chili as needed.

Cornbread à la corn

1 box corn muffin mix (we use Jiffy brand)
1 14 oz. can creamed corn

Cook muffin mix according to instructions on the package, substituting creamed corn for milk and egg.

It's as easy as that! 185 calories for a good sized piece (in the picture above, that's one slice broken into two pieces!). I've also made it with canned pumpkin and a shake of cinnamon instead of creamed corn, and it was quite good.

What about you? How do you like your chili? What foods scream 'autumn' to you?

Falling short

2011-11-10T05:30:00.000-08:00

Last Saturday, I ran the Hot Chocolate 5k in Chicago.

I made a goal of finishing in under 30 minutes, and even though I stopped running when I moved to California, I was feeling confident with my recent training that I'd be able to make it.

It was a gorgeous autumn day - sunny and cool - and there were tons of people in the park. Tens of thousands. Based on post-race figures, the number of people who raced is about half the population of the town I moved to in California. It felt incredible to be back in my city, but also, to be back racing.

I never lost my love for it, but I think that when I moved and drifted away from running, I temporarily forgot just how great it feels to race. Running is excellent, but racing is an entirely different experience. They're both wonderful in their own ways - running is some quality alone time, but when you race, there are hundreds or thousands of other people there, people who love being active and who want to live healthy lives. It's as inspirational and motivational as it is fun.

In the past, the race was held along the lakefront paths, but as it has grown into a much larger event, they moved the course to the city streets this year.

Perfect. It was a nice course through the downtown area of a city I love endlessly and miss fiercely.

I laid it all out on that course. Tore it up. Gave it my all. Had a ridiculously big smile plastered across my face the entire time. I knew when I finished that I hadn't made my goal - I had started slow due to a lot of congestion. (I fully support and cheer for people who walk 5k races, but the majority of them need to not be at the 10 minute mile starting line.) But I still felt amazing - I knew I gave it my all, and that felt fantastic.

It also felt fantastic to cross the finish line of such a huge race, look over, and see a familiar face. I sped up and put my hand on his shoulder.

Matt?

Mary!

I knew he would be there - he e-mailed me a few weeks ago with an apology for his behavior this summer and an inquiry as to how I have been. We've been in contact since, and when I told him I was coming to Chicago, we decided to have breakfast and catch up. In a small diner near O'Hare, I told him about California; he told me about how he's finally seeing a therapist and how he took my advice and did C25k and has fallen in love with running. And as nice as it felt to be with someone with whom I have a little history, it felt even better to see him finally taking the necessary steps to get emotionally healthy; as much as I enjoyed being with him, he couldn't have loved me this summer - because he didn't love himself.

Race times were posted later that day, and I was initially a little upset - I knew I hadn't made my goal, but I didn't think I had been that far off. Later, though, the times were modified to reflect an emergency course reroute that ended up extending the course from 3.1 to 3.25 miles. So my official time of 32:15 was updated to include an estimated 30:45 5k time.

Technically, I fell short. I set a goal, and I missed it by seconds. I felt bad for myself for about three seconds, until I realized my average pace was under 10 minutes per mile, and 15 months ago I weighed 345 pounds and could barely walk twice that fast.

I'm not yet where I want to end up. I'm not where I thought I'd be four months after first getting to onederland. I'm on the right path, it's just a little foggy. The fog is lifting, though, and everything is coming back into clear view - my immediate and long-term goals are back in my sights. But I'm still doing terrific things - making progress for myself, and continuing to have a positive influence on others.

Fire Up: Week Eight

2011-11-07T05:30:00.000-08:00

My positive picture for the week:

I got to enjoy some real autumn in Chicago this weekend!

What have you done this week to work towards your goals?

(1) I'm facing the hard truth that it would take a real miracle to make this goal by the end of the challenge. I'll be writing about some plateau-related revelations I had in Chicago later this week.
(2) I'll be doing a 5k write-up later this week as well. Long story short, I did not make my goal. *sigh* So I'm on the lookout for another race (close by) before the end of the challenge.

What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?

I ate this after the 5k...

... and I didn't feel the slightest bit guilty.

How important is a social life to you? Are you a loner or a butterfly or somewhere in between?

I've always been kind of shy, but I'd say that I am somewhere in between the two, I think. I enjoy social situations but I definitely need some alone time afterwards to recuperate.

How do you balance life outside your home with healthy living?

I surround myself with people who support my goals. All of my friends eat well and are active people - get-togethers are very rarely food-based, and if they are, it's healthy and normal portions.

What do you like to do for fun?

I love artsy, creative ventures - painting, drawing, collages, you name it. I just love creating. I also really enjoy traveling, reading, watching movies, running (especially racing!), and now biking too!

Roses and thorns

2011-11-04T05:30:00.000-07:00

Provided all went well last night, I'm in Chicago right now, wandering around my favorite city in the world and waiting for Lorelei to finish work so we can explore together. I'm drafting this before I leave, so I hope that when this goes live, I'm as happy as I presently hope I will be. On deck for this trip: my 5k tomorrow (nervous), seeing some people I love, and enjoying a non-80º autumn.

Since I'm away, there's no weigh in for today - I'll add it to my Fire Up update on Monday. All the more motivation to stay focused while I'm out of town!

Enjoy your weekends, folks. Make good choices!

Chapters

2011-11-03T05:30:00.000-07:00

I'm heading to Chicago today. I have a few plans, but am mostly going to just relax and take it easy. I'm really looking forward to some time away - as exhausting as it is, all the traveling is nice, because it's some time for me to process all the things I have on my mind lately. Specifically, my goal for this trip is to do some deep thinking about my recovery and what I need to do to get entirely back on track - I keep mastering one area but falling short in others, and I need all around balance if I'm ever going to break this plateau.

Part of my recent struggles has been my relationship stress, for sure - my relationships with my family, my friends, and of course, with Bobby. While in Chicago, I'll be seeing a lot of people, and I'm not entirely sure he will be one of them. We talked about getting together for dinner on Saturday night, but to be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if I leave Chicago without spending time with him at all.

I've stayed pretty quiet about our situation - I guess hearing that reading about my dating attempts was like watching a train wreck made me retreat into myself a bit about it. I'm going to maintain my silence about the details, but I guess the best thing I can offer on the subject is a bit of wisdom from my dad: in a long distance relationship, you tend to learn a lot more about the things you don't have in common than the things you do.

Since I've been writing less here, I've still needed my outlets for unburdening myself of the thoughts and ideas. Skype chats with Lorelei have been great, and I can't wait to see her tonight for in-person catching up. And, of course, there have been countless talks with Justin.

We went out to dinner last night. First we went to the store to exchange my TV, then went to a restaurant downtown - my first restaurant meal since my dad was out here. We ate Indian food and talked, and while driving home, he said that his eating has gotten a lot better because of me. And I told him that was interesting, because I had just told some people about how observing his eating habits has been helping me get back on track with my recovery. And he said, so, we're good for each other.

True that.

Driving home, he asked what my favorite kind of ice cream was.

Pumpkin, even though it's seasonal.

What about from Baskin-Robbins?

Well, I don't know, because I've never been there. But anything that doesn't have too many chunks. Peanut butter, always.

And we started talking about peanut butter, and how good it is, and how bad it is for you. I explained to him about my problem with jars of peanut butter and bingeing. I told him how I binge - and why. I told him that being able to keep peanut butter in the house will be a huge victory for me someday.

He didn't tell me I'm crazy. He just listened intently. And I cannot tell you just how good it feels to open up to someone who's honestly listening.

Workouts: October

2011-11-02T05:30:00.000-07:00

For October, my goals were to keep up the biking, try to find an organized race so I can try for my sub-30 5k, and complete my 345-in-2011 goal. I biked 519.66 miles in October, over 50 more miles than September! And I registered for a 5k in Chicago, which I will be running this Saturday, and a sub-30 finish is looking really good. I'm nervous but confident.

With my training runs, I logged 24.5 miles of running in October - more than double what I did in September - and I officially satisfied my 2011 goal of running 345 miles on October 30! I couldn't be happier. My first mile was in Connecticut, my middle miles were in Chicago, and I ended it in California. *sigh* It's been quite a year.

I can't believe it's November, but it's true. We're officially in the midst of the unholy trinity of difficult fall/winter holidays in terms of food: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas. Halloween was tough, but it's likely to be my only challenge - because of my family situation back in Connecticut, with my folks separating and all, I'm definitely not heading back for Thanksgiving, and whatever we end up doing for Christmas is certainly not going to be the food-based holiday of years past. So I'm breathing a little easier.

I don't want to believe that my weight is the same at the end of October as it was at the end of September, but that's true, too. 196, 196. A very hard pill to swallow after seeing the number of logged miles, but it is what it is. I'm still struggling with binge eating, and am seeking offline help (which I will be writing about soon).

In spite of the consistency with month-end numbers, I can feel changes in my body. I cannot for the life of me locate my measuring tape, but I can feel in my jeans that my legs are leaner and more muscular - it's the biking, for sure.

My workout goals for November are to run more and bike less. I'm not sure if I ever formally announced it on the blog, but I registered for another race the same day I registered for the 5k in Chicago...

The half, of course. Oh M G, indeed.

So I'm going to keep up with my training for that; in the interest of not killing my knees, I've been taking the bus and getting rides to work from Justin a few times a week. I know ironmen run and bike an awful lot more than that, but I'm not a triathlete - I know my limits, and I don't want to risk any injury.

I also want to incorporate other workouts into my routine - even if it's just Wii Fit, I want to get back into more diverse workouts. I got my teaching schedule for the spring, and it's going to be very different from anything I've done before: teaching afternoon/evenings! So I want to also start looking for a gym to join once the semester ends that I can also use in the spring. I miss the elliptical!

What about you? How was your October? What are your goals for November? Any races or challenges on the schedule? What's your game plan for surviving the fall/winter holidays?

Fire Up: Week Seven

2011-10-31T05:30:00.000-07:00

My positive picture for the week:

I bought this necklace off Etsy - a bit eccentric, I know. But bees and skeletons keys are two of my favorite things in the world. I was looking for a necklace with a key, and when I saw this one, I knew I had to have it! I don't usually buy myself frivolous things - I'm all about functional gifts and rewards. So this was a pleasant change.

What have you done this week towards your goals?
(1) Weighed in at 196 on Friday. Eating well, moving plenty, staying hydrated. I feel great!
(3) My long run yesterday was 3.5 miles, which I did in 34:03 (a 9:43 pace). It's a few seconds per mile slower than I'll need to do at Saturday's race to finish sub-30. But I'm pleased with it, for sure.
(4) Got paid today, put most of my check immediately into my savings, wrote out a budget for the rest! Don't anticipate too many big expenses this month - besides a coat, since my 4X and 2X coats from last winter got donated back in Chicago.

What have you done to make you feel fabulous?

I wore a dress to last Monday's book club meeting!

When you're losing weight and dropping sizes so quickly, it's a bit easier to feel confident and lovely, but since my plateau, I've started feeling more self-conscious about my body. So to wear a dress in public was a fairly big deal. I felt pretty darn fabulous!

How do you pull yourself out of a slump or prevent yourself falling in to one?

I'm always on the lookout for new ways to get out of a slump, be it emotional or physical. Going for a run is always great - there's an incredible freedom of thought that comes when you hit the pavement for mile after mile. Writing picks me up too - either blogging, or actually writing on paper (which can be quite cathartic). My main tactic lately has been to try and focus on how many things are so good instead of fixating on the few things that are not.

Are you naturally positive or do you have to work at it? How do you keep yourself positive?

In spite of the rough patch when I transitioned from Chicago to California, I'd say I'm naturally positive - optimistic to a fault, I'd say. I always see the best in situations, which can be a bad thing sometimes because I tend to see only positives and not glaring red warning lights.

I'm on Holiday right now, if you could go away anywhere tomorrow (and work wouldn't get weird) where would you go?

The south of France, I'd love to explore there. Or Brussels - some of my students did a lesson on Belgium and now I have this intense urge to go there!

Trick or treat

2011-10-29T05:30:00.000-07:00

At Wednesday night's dinner, my friends and I all talked about our plans for the weekend. A few people in our group were planning on going to parties in local cities, but for the most part, no one seemed all that interested. To be honest, I hadn't realized it was Halloween already - it's hard to get into the spirit of the season when it's still high 70/low 80 degree weather every day.

The conversation turned fairly quickly to candy; since four of our group of five are new to the area this year, we wanted to know if we should expect trick or treaters, and how many. The one woman who has been here a few years (Kristin) said that she wasn't sure, it varies, and in any case, she doesn't give out candy. She said she does raisins, apples, or toothbrushes. And suddenly, our group was divided.

Kristin is vegan and a bit of a health nut, so she doesn't like the idea of giving children candy.
Adam and Justin said that giving kids toothbrushes is a great idea in theory, but is pointless in practice because it is a waste of money - kids will just throw it out and go to every other house for candy.
Minal is from India and is not used to the American Halloween tradition, and was a little confused, and thus undecided.

And, per usual, I stayed quiet and observed the discussion, collecting my thoughts.

I thought about last year, when I was only a few months into my commitment to losing weight, and how tough Halloween was. I fought it as hard as I could - I even made a note card for my desk next to the bucket of candy I bought for my students to help me keep my hands out of it. It had calorie counts, in a way: one mini Snickers bar = 10 minutes of Wii Boxing. This year, though, it hasn't even crossed my mind. Maybe because I go to Target a lot less and am thus not as tempted by the holiday-themed aisle.

Given my plateau for the past few months, I've been trying to focus on NSVs as much as possible, and not eating any Halloween candy has been a huge victory for me. It's so easy to be a secret eater at Halloween - buying a few giant sized bags of candy in July is suspicious, but towards the end of October, no one seems to question the recipient. In Chicago, I lived in a second floor rear apartment with no doorbell - I never saw a single trick or treater - but I certainly bought my share of candy bars. Dump them all into a bowl like I was getting ready to give it out, then sit on the couch, shelling and popping them into my mouth like peanuts, watching "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" and reeling in the intoxicating sugar high.

Fortunately, gorging myself on candy isn't at the front of my thoughts right now, but I still have the festivities in mind. I'm thinking mostly about kids, and in which ways Halloween is different now from when my parents were young, or even from when I was a kid. Kristin (and a few commenters on yesterday's blog post) said that a local dentist offers kids a few dollars per bag for turning in their candy, and again, we found ourselves torn. Given the rates of obesity in the United States, it was surprising that dentists are willing to intervene, but not pediatricians. Kristin thought it was a great idea - again, from a healthy food stance. And the boys disagreed with her again, saying it's one day a year and it's part of being a kid.

My own trick or treat experience is limited - I can only remember a few Halloweens - but of course, we loved it. There were no rules governing our candy, at least none I remember, or that were strictly enforced. I doubt it lasted more than a few days, and then I'd get into my sisters' bags. Lisa more than Katie - Lisa never really liked candy, so I don't think she noticed or cared if the pieces went missing.

Since I started losing weight, I've thought a lot about my own future children - wondering how to raise healthy and happy kids who don't have issues with food like I do, and especially figuring out how to approach food-related holidays and traditions. I love the idea of doing 5k races with my husband and kids on holiday mornings - even if we just walk them as a family, we'll be out there, active, focusing on family and not just food. But the food is still there, in the background. So, how do you find balance?

I can't say for sure, since I am nowhere near marriage and parenthood right now. But ideally, I think I'd let my kids go trick or treating, but then figure out some way to ration out the candy. Try to teach moderation, and don't criminalize food. It's a personal goal that I hope to master, then instill in my children via example.

Roses and thorns

2011-10-28T05:30:00.000-07:00

This has been a pretty good week. It never fails to surprise me how wonderful it feels to eat well and exercise adequately. I biked less this week than I have in most weeks before - I even took one complete rest day! - and still managed a great loss. Perhaps because there was more of a sense of balance, because I wasn't biking like a fiend to counteract overeating and poor food choices. I made mostly good food choices. I biked. I ran. I stayed hydrated. I closely monitored my sodium intake. All that adds up to success! (Now: to just keep doing this for the rest of forever.)

(From my morning commute: fields of cotton plants, ready to harvest)
I'm weighing in at 196 for the week - a 2 pound loss. Slightly behind my Fire Up for Fall goal schedule, but I'm feeling confident that I'll be able to recoup it next week. And even if I don't make the goal on time, I'm just so incredibly pleased to have good losses two weeks in a row. It finally feels like I'm fully back on track, and I couldn't be prouder.

And it wasn't easy.

Though the weekend was, surprisingly.

And so was Monday - we had our book club meeting, and it went really well. I discussed the book like a champ and successfully avoided homemade apple pie with ice cream.

But Tuesday was incredibly stressful for some reason - I was overtired and premenstrual, and probably should have told Justin not to come over (since we had our book club on Monday, we moved our West Wing dinner date to Tuesday). I didn't feel like cooking anything fancy, so I made turkey burgers and chipotle sweet potato fries. He still loved it, and when I apologized for it being so plain, he said that it doesn't have to be so extravagant every week. I still felt like a bum, though - I wanted to cook something nice and new, but I just didn't have the energy. Then, the DVD player in my brand new TV decided to stop working. I have had this TV for barely over a month! So that bugged me. We played Wii Bowling and streamed some of "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" on Netflix (decided we liked it infinitely less than the book, and couldn't finish it), and he did his laundry - by all means, it should have been a decent evening. But I had a pudy attitude all night and it was just strange.

(More of my morning commute - so lovely!)
I sent an apology text the next morning for being so grumpy. He told me I was crazy and that I had been just fine. Then, "premenstrual" became "currently menstrual," and suddenly it all made sense, and the rest of the week went off without a hitch. Wednesday night, he cooked for me and a few of our friends from the university - it's Diwali, so he made a-freakin'-mazing homemade Indian food. All vegetarian, and all incredibly delicious.

During dinner, we all got to talking about Halloween coming up, and we had a pretty interesting discussion about candy that I'm going to flesh out in a post for tomorrow. Some preliminary research, though: what are your Halloween plans? Do you dress up? Go to parties? Avoid candy like the plague? Buy some of your favorites and ration it out?

And my biggest question: for people who have kids, what do you do with them for Halloween? Do they trick or treat? What, if any, are your rules about the candy afterwards?

Looking forward to everyone's feedback!

On food and love

2011-10-26T05:30:00.000-07:00

I love cooking, though it can be tough sometimes to cook for just one person. So I love cooking for a second person or a crowd whenever I get the chance. I love the process of creating something, and I love the reaction I get from people enjoying what I have made. My current challenge is figuring out how to reconcile my "need to feed" with maintaining balance and a healthy lifestyle.

Sometimes I will have dinner with Justin a few times during the week, but at the very least, we have a standing dinner date on Monday evenings. It started as dinner and driving lessons but after a mildly embarrassing driving-related panic attack, it has somewhat devolved into dinner and an episode or two of "The West Wing." (He's never seen it, and neither have I; I have a TV, so he bought the first season.)

It's so lovely. Whether I do the cooking or he does, it's just nice to share a meal with a good friend, to sit together and have a good conversation. We talk about a lot of different things. It usually starts with a run-down of how our weekends were and how work was that day. From there, though, anything can go.

Because we usually eat at the island in my eat-in kitchen, there's a clear view of my fridge and a copy of my "before" photo. I had told him about my weight loss before he saw the picture, and his first reaction was surprise. But seeing the photo really struck him. He couldn't believe it. He said what most people who didn't know me before tend to say: "... it doesn't even look like you."

Since finding out about my secret super obese past, he's asked a lot of questions about it. What does it feel like? What do you think when you see other big people? Did X/Y/Z ever happen when you were big? I don't mind fielding the questions - his questions aren't offensive or overly invasive, based more on curiosity. It's very interesting to him, someone who has been active his whole life and who has never had issues with his weight.

That, I think, is one of the reasons I like having dinner with him. He's actively interested in my recovery process, and has even gone running since I started back a couple weeks ago. (We'll see, but I'm hoping to convince him to run a half with me!) But the dinners are the best part. I like cooking with him and I like being cooked for, but above all, I really like observing his eating habits. Because again, he is who has never had a weight problem. So I like to see how he approaches food. Some interesting things I've noted:

He eats a good sized meal about an hour or two after he gets home from work - instead of something small when he gets home, then dinner, and maybe something small after dinner.
His portions are a normal, healthy size - then if he is still hungry, he gets more.
Related: he stops eating when he feels like it, not when the food runs out. We went to the movies one night and he got a medium popcorn and didn't eat it all. I avoided the snacks altogether, but in the past? That's unheard of. First - medium? Second - throwing out half the bucket? It was strange to me.
His plate is not usually spotless. (Let me explain: my plate, on the other hand, has been scraped clean of every drop like I was raised to do. He doesn't sweat leaving what could be pulled together into another spoon or forkful of something on the side of the plate.)
There's always more veggies than anything else (protein, carbs, etc.)
(Perhaps my favorite observation) He takes the time to really taste what we're eating. His first bite is always exploratory: he's savoring it, figuring it out. And his reaction is almost always the same: that it's perfect, so delicious, best he's ever eaten, and how did I possibly know this was exactly what he wanted tonight? The praises are fantastic, but the fact that they're genuine is the best part.

Since I have started trying to get healthier, I've been making progress on the "food ≠ love" idea, and it's certainly difficult. This is something that goes back to my childhood, to the big family get-togethers: we love each other, we take care of each other, and we're all breaking bread together. It's been incredibly important to understand that the love is in us and not on our plates - with a loaded table or if we only have bread and water, there is still love.

Something that has been incredibly important is grasping the concept of "quality over quantity." As long as I am able to, I want to help nourish the people I care about - I love you, and I want to cook for you. But: that doesn't mean I need to cook huge portions or that the food needs to be exceptionally unhealthy. I can love you without an overly rich dinner immediately followed by a heavy dessert. I can love you with lean protein and fruits and veggies, too.

Fire Up: Week Six

2011-10-24T05:30:00.000-07:00

My positive picture for the week:

Justin and I joined a book club, and I read most of our first book this weekend, both on the couch and on the bus.

This is something I've missed from Chicago - with a bike commute, you can't just sit and take 20 minutes to yourself, not think about work or life's responsibilities, and get lost in a book.

What have you done to achieve your goals this week?

(1) Weighed in at 198 on Friday. Restricting my sodium as much as possible for a couple of days to try and purge the junk from my system. I made a little note for my fridge door to remind myself of just how hard I have to work in order to make this goal ... needless to say, it's helped a lot!

(3) My long run yesterday was 3 miles, which I did in 30:14 - not great for my sub-30 5k goal, but I'm not complaining. I biked waaay too much the day before on accident - I found a new trail and didn't realize how far I had gone until I got home. It was over 25 miles! So my legs were a little tired yesterday. I ran in the morning, then took the rest of the day off. My other runs for last week were all sub-10 minute miles, so I'm still feeling confident about this goal and my upcoming 5k race in Chicago. Less than two weeks to go!

What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?

I cried. It might sound odd, but it was really fantastic. A deep, full body sobbing. Just what I needed. I had been watching an episode of "Ruby" where she and some of her friends go on a six day retreat to learn about food addiction and work towards overcoming it, and so many things they talked about resonated very deeply with me. I realized (and admitted aloud to myself) some of the reasons for why I've been plateauing, and then I just cried and cried. Then I took a shower to cool myself off, and I felt so entirely clean - inside and out. It felt incredible.

Do you listen to music when you work out? What gets you fired up?

I almost always have my iPod on when I run - sometimes I run silent, but I think having my power songs helps me go faster sometimes! I like songs with strong drums and/or bass that I can sync up my heel strikes with. Making playlists for my long runs has been thrilling - it's just another thing about running that I've missed so much.

I also listen to music when I bike, but only one earphone and no more than 50% volume - need to be hyperaware of what is going on around me, even if I am on trails and not on surface streets.

What's your guilty pleasure music? How does it make you feel?

I don't know if I have any guilty pleasure music ... I listen to a lot of everything, no guilt attached. I love Belle and Sebastian, the Decemberists, and the Magnetic Fields. But I also really like R. Kelly and Glenn Miller and 90s country music and anything classical. Just depends on my mood, I guess!

If today were a song what song would it be?

The Cure, "Doing the Unstuck" - throughout all of this journey, that's been My Song.

Veggie enchiladas

2011-10-23T05:30:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you about my office mate.

To be honest, I can't tell you much. Not for privacy or security reasons, but simply because I don't really know her. What I *do* know, though, is that she really, really, really likes enchiladas. Either that, or it's just the only thing she knows how to cook.

At least once a week, she tells me that she's making enchiladas that evening, that she put the chicken in the slow cooker this morning, and it's just so incredibly easy.

After nine or ten weeks of hearing about enchiladas, I'd had enough. Needed to try them. I'd had a Weight Watchers frozen version back in Chicago - chicken enchiladas suiza - and wasn't thrilled ... mostly because after a few minutes in the microwave, the texture was too soggy in some places and oddly crunchy where it probably shouldn't have been. So for my second try, I decided to attempt making them.

The recipe I used was partly my own creation, but the meat-free idea was based on this recipe. As delicious as Office Mate's enchiladas probably are, I don't have a slow cooker ... and I just wasn't feeling like eating meat that day. So, voilà:

I wish I had a better picture, or even just a picture of them plated, but I made them last week with Justin and we were so hungry that it just completely slipped my mind.

The "recipe" is fairly easy. I shredded a medium zucchini and tossed it together with half a can of no salt added black beans (rinsed and drained) and half a can of Mexicorn (it's corn with peppers in it - plain corn would work just fine, though), and some cumin and cayenne pepper to suit your taste. I put about a cup of green enchilada sauce in the bottom of an 8x8" glass baking dish. Then I took five medium-sized tortillas and (one at a time) microwaved them for 10-15 seconds to ease rolling. I put a bunch of the veggie mixture in them, rolled them up, and put them seam-side-down in the baking dish. Then I added another 1 1/2 cups of enchilada sauce over the top and sprinkled a cup of shredded colby jack cheese over the top. Bake at 375º F for 10-15 minutes, just until the cheese is melted and the enchiladas are heated through.

They were quite delicious. The tortillas are traditionally corn, and since corn tortillas fall apart very easily when bent, you fry them first. Since I had absolutely no intention of frying anything, I used Mission brand Artisan Corn and Whole Wheat blend tortillas - they're only 90 calories each and after a quick microwaving, they rolled with no issues. The enchilada sauce was a little salty for my taste, which is why I went with the no salt beans. Justin said they were a bit spicy, which I blamed on the Mexicorn and not on my tendency to be heavy handed with the spices.

Definitely a keeper recipe, though there was certainly room for improvement - not to mention infinite other filling possibilities!

What about you? What is your favorite ethnic cuisine? Is there anything you make at least once a week like my office mate?

Roses and thorns

2011-10-21T05:30:00.000-07:00

Haven't posted on a Friday in a while - still not much to report. It was 195 two weeks ago, then 201 last Friday after seeing 192 and panicking. Logging the 201 was sobering, and I ate well and moved a good amount all week to help with my recovery.

Today, I'm back down to 198, a three pound loss for the week.

I'll need to keep up losses like this if I want to make my Fire Up for Fall goal of 185 by the end of the challenge on November 21. Four and a half weeks, 13 pounds. It's a lot. But it's so important to me that I end this plateau, that I break out of the 190s for good. You see, my birthday is November 20. And making the goal by then would be the best birthday present ever. For a 5'6" female, weighing 185 pounds would mean I was overweight.

Not super obese like when I started. Not morbidly obese. Not even "regular" obese. For the first time since middle school, I'd be overweight.

The prospect of this is undeniably thrilling. It's going to take a lot of hard work, but I'm feeling very confident in myself and my ability to make this goal. I want it so badly, and that motivation, that aching for reaching a goal ... it's just what I've needed.

Getting back into a training schedule for running again has helped an awful lot. Because I am running, I've been getting back into the habit of drinking tons of water - I still drank a lot when I wasn't biking, but it was mostly at night after my commute home. Now, I have been trying harder to space the glasses out all day long, like I used to in Chicago - before breakfast, after class, after office hours, when I get home, after my run, with dinner, before bed. I have also been biking less (trying not to over-do it), and my appetite has decreased accordingly. It feels good, much more balanced.

All in all, I've had a very, very good week.

What about you? How was your week? What are your plans for the weekend? And - what do you think of my fancy schmancy new blog design? The fantastic Bobby Kane designed the avatar for me, I couldn't be more pleased with how it turned out.

Julia

2011-10-19T05:30:00.000-07:00

The great thing about writing a blog is that really, anyone can do it. That's also one of the most interesting things about it, I think - some people write long stories, some share short excerpts from their day-to-day, some people post mostly pictures, and other share only raw data. But everyone, no matter what his or her background with writing, can sit down with a computer and express his or her ideas, sharing them with the world after a few keystrokes and clicks.

For one reason or another, some blogs get to be fairly well-known. These blogs don't conform to any one specific category, but there's still a common thread. We, the readers, see small glimpses of ourselves in their posts, and no matter what means they use for expressing themselves, we appreciate their candor and our ability to relate to them.

When I first started reading weight loss and healthy living blogs, I was voracious - I couldn't get enough. I scanned blogrolls and comments, trying to find anyone else who could possibly have some advice or experiences I could glean. Some names I saw more often than others, but for some reason, I didn't investigate right away.

One of those was Jewlia Goulia.

Julia was a girl about my age, slightly taller but around the same starting weight. I finally started following her as she transitioned into onederland; I was about thirty pounds behind, and devoured her posts. She shared her fears as well as her victories, and I ached and cheered along side her. A photographer, she boldly posted a series of tasteful nude photographs of her transitioning body; the honesty both inspired and motivated me. I wanted to lose weight like Julia, but mostly, I wanted to be brave and own my success like Julia. Silently, from my own little corner of the internet, I idolized her.

Then, her posts slowed. And her mother passed away, and she posted even less. It was understandable, but still upsetting - reading blogs, especially when someone shares as much as Julia did, you feel like you know these people. These are friends, we're in this together. Her less-frequent posts upset me, for selfish reasons, but also, because I worried about her.

She was in the 180s, the 190s, bouncing around, and one day, she posted a goodbye. There were many reasons, most unlisted, and ultimately, her decision was to stop publicly blogging and focus instead on her health, her marriage, and her offline life. I was as heartbroken as I was confused. Heartbroken, because again, this was someone whose journey I wanted so desperately to follow and support. And confused, because I didn't quite understand how someone could start in the 300s, do all the work to get to onederland, and then struggle.

The more research I did on situations like hers, the more common I discovered it was. You find stories of people who lose hundreds of pounds, only to regain most of it, or all of it, or end up even bigger than when they started. How can that happen? How can you regain when you know how good it feels to be healthy, to be properly fed, to finally do right by your body?

Right now, I'm where Julia left off weight-wise ... fighting my way through the first decade of onederland, hoping to get safely into the 180s and continue to work my way towards my long-term goal. That, among other reasons, is part of why I've been blogging less. And even though I can't begin to understand her emotional specifics, I am finding myself confused and conflicted and wishing for the attitude I had thirty, sixty, ninety, over a hundred pounds ago.

This is what I wanted - this is what I worked so hard for - so why am I struggling *now*?

It seems counterintuitive. For so long, it was so easy to say no to processed junk and empty calories, to try and beat the clock on Saturdays and finish my 1200 calorie elliptical workout before the gym closed, to not eat the calories I burned exercising. The beginning is when it's supposed to be tough, right? Logic says getting started should be hard, not staying the course.

Well, maybe not.

As exciting as it is, and as hopeful as we are that we'll get there, onederland is still a terrifying place for those of us who are fighting tooth and nail against the odds. The paradox of weighing 345 pounds is that you know (and are told) that you need to be willing to fight hard and change so much of your life in order to get healthy, even though you know (and are told) that statistically, you either (a) won't make it to your goal or (b) won't be successful long-term with maintenance if you do make it. Every day, I wake up wanting to be my healthiest and feel my best. And even though these ideas are at the front of my mind, in the back still lurks the voice whispering that it doesn't matter what I want, I am not meant to succeed at this. Some days, it's easy to scream back Like hell I won't, and I work out and eat well. But when the rest of life gets stressful and it feels like you're giving all you have to fight simply for your sanity, this tends to be an easy place to concede.

I've written on this several times before, so bear with me, but I'm so damn close. This isn't every other time. I haven't lost three pounds, or ten, or thirty. I've lost 150 pounds. And I only have about 40-60 more to go. I think that when Ben wrote about his own struggles with the last few pounds, he summed it up perfectly: the last few pounds are the hardest because they matter the least. I'm not 345 pounds anymore. My struggles now are not what they were then, both physically and mentally. I eat well most of the time - I have off days, but so does everyone. I stay active. I'm happy and self-confident and incredibly different from the girl I used to be - again, with the occasional off day, but overwhelmingly, I couldn't be happier with who, what, and where I am right now.

So, Julia, wherever you are, I hope that all is well with you. I can't possibly understand the specifics of your unique situation, but for what it's worth, I still think of you and how strong and brave you are. I hope you're happy and healthy and in love with life. With you in mind, I'm going to keep making as many good decisions as possible, and hope that I can be someone's Jewlia Goulia. That someone might be as affected by my story as I was by yours. That someone might read what I have to say and realize that even though I'm fighting against the odds, I'm still out there fighting. That I do the best I can with what I have, I give it my all. And that folks understand when I need to refocus a bit on my offline self.

Fire Up: Week Five

2011-10-17T05:30:00.000-07:00

My positive picture for the week:

After an exceptionally long silence, I finally got a chance to video chat with all my siblings at the same time.

And oh, I missed this face SO MUCH.

Things have been tough between my mother and me, and between my father and my sister Katie, but that doesn't mean things need to be strained between us kids. We're trying to work on that as a group, and things have been a lot better lately. Without a doubt, these strained relationships have contributed to my recent struggles, so having reclaimed some stability here feels amazing.

What have you done this week to achieve your goals?

(1) Struggling with weight again. Was up to 201 on Friday, at 199 now.
(2) Understandably connected to goal #1. I am going to get a 7/7 week just yet!
(3) I ran three times this past week! Started with two miles runs, all sub-20 (one sub-19!). Attempted a 2.5 mile long run yesterday but had to make a pit stop at home because I was feeling sick ... went back out an hour and some water later, for a total of 3.75 miles in 36:49 (a 9:49 pace) - feeling confident! 19 days to race day!
(5) I finished this goal! On Saturday I did #97 - met one of my blog friends in real life!

The lovely Cynthia from Partners in Kind and her husband Michael came by and we had crêpes!

What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?

Ran consistently for the first time since I got here - it just feels *so* good to be back in a routine.

It's half way through the challenge, you can change 1 or more of your goals (max of 3) if you want to ... what are you going to do and why?

I thought about this, and I decided not to change any. Just because I'm not doing as well as I want to doesn't mean I'm going to jump ship! Gotta keep rowing. I'm mostly nervous about #1 - getting under 185 pounds. Five weeks and 14 pounds to go is a lot, but I'm going to try my hardest to make this goal ... particularly because my birthday is the day before the last day of the challenge, and I'd love to start my life at 25 with a non-obese BMI for the first time in over ten years.

What's your worst bad habit and have you ever tried to tackle it? Do you want to?

Well, binge eating, for sure, and secret eating. Making progress, but realizing lately that it's something I have a lot of work to do in order to get it under control. I was doing exceptionally well for a while, then started to struggle, and haven't really come back from that slip, at least not to the level of control I want to have over the situation.

Besides my food issues, I'm a nervous nail biter. It's such a bad habit, I know. But especially when I'm trying my hardest to avoid binge eating, my nails are a mess because I can't leave them alone. I usually keep them trimmed pretty short so I don't have the choice of biting them.

Would you rather have Burgers for feet or Sausages for Fingers?

Definitely sausage fingers. It would be really tough to find shoes that fit my burger-shaped feet, but big gloves aren't too hard to come by.

Crêpes

2011-10-16T07:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning, I cooked breakfast.

Not a piece of fruit and a Larabar like I've been throwing in my purse most mornings. Not a yogurt and some raw oats like I usually go for on weekends.

Real, honest-to-goodness breakfast.

And it was awesome.

I don't usually make "real" breakfast. I'm in a rush to get out the door during the week, and on the weekends, I tend to rise early: Saturday mornings I hit the farmer's market, Sunday mornings I go to the grocery store. I like going early because (a) I'm biking and there's less traffic before 8 a.m. and (b) I'm biking and it's not as hot out yet. So it's a couple glasses of water, a piece of fruit, a yogurt, and I hit the road.

But yesterday, I had company. More on the specifics tomorrow, but it was really nice to make a weekend breakfast for people.

I made crêpes, which is a delicious, surprisingly quick, and easy recipe. I have a special French-style crêpe griddle that makes them very easy to shape, but I've also made them in a regular frying pan before, and they're just as simple.

1 c. flour
3/4 c. milk
1/2 c. water
2 large eggs
3 tbsp. melted butter
2 1/2 tbsp. sugar
2 tbsp. vanilla extract

Combine all ingredients in a blender or mix well with a wire whisk. Put batter in the fridge for at least an hour, then preheat a skillet or griddle to medium heat. Add a small amount of batter at a time, turning the pan gently to make the crêpe as thin as possible. Flip after a minute or so and cook for 30 more seconds. Serve immediately.

They can also be done savory by omitting the vanilla and sugar and by using 1/4 tsp. of salt and some herbs instead - I've made them with chicken and spinach for dinner before, totally delicious.

The batter makes about a dozen crepes, at about 123 calories each per the ingredients I entered on MyFitnessPal. There are more calories from the toppings you add - whipped cream and Nutella obviously being more calorie-dense than fat-free Cool Whip - but the thing is, they're sweet enough on their own that they'd be good even plain with some fruit.

Light but filling, sweet but not too much, and delightfully French. Perfect! The breakfast was incredible - it was so nice to connect with someone in California who knows my story.

It was also really nice to make crêpes again for the first time in a year or so. These are made with butter, for goodness sakes. Real butter. And mine were full of fresh berries and homemade whipped cream. And I savored them in great company, and I had no food guilt.

To me, this is the difference between "off plan" eating and a binge. This was enjoyed with friends, and I worked out a little extra in the afternoon to balance it out. A binge is me, standing over the counter or sitting on the living room floor, shoveling in as much as I can, as fast as I can. It's about pain, not pleasure.

There is room in my life for crêpes. There is space in my food plan for berries and cream. As long as I enjoy them reasonably and responsibly.

Meals like this and days like today help me see that I'm a million miles away from the 345 pound girl I used to be, that I've got this thing won, that even though there will be hard times and struggles, so much of the rest of my life will be full of so many fabulous days just like this.

With berries and cream on top.

Scars

2011-10-12T05:30:00.000-07:00

Another aspect of Friday's mandatory orientation was discussing the different health care coverage plan options. Since we have thirty days from our hire date to make a selection, I already chose mine a few weeks ago, and wasn't quite sure why I still needed to attend the four hour orientation. The only things keeping me from dreading every second of it were a mini cinnamon chip scone and a surprisingly delicious (though lukewarm) cup of mocha-flavored coffee. Some days, I think like that, and I'm okay with it.

The orientation took place in one of the chancellor's conference rooms, so before the meeting got started, the other new hires and I sat around the oblong table, discussing the health care plans. There was a woman seated across from me, likely in her late 20s or early 30s, with a jean jacket and ornately manicured nails; she was talking about how she accepted the position at the university based almost entirely on the fact that we have great health care coverage. The woman next to her asked if she would be going for one of the more expensive plans, since she needed to cover her toddler-age child and husband, too. She fiddled with the diamond on her ring finger, and then said

Oh no, I don't need that plan. I'm not old enough for cancer. I'm not planning for cancer just yet.

You don't plan for it. You don't get a say in it at all. And neither does your husband or your young child, and I hope it works out that none of you know that kind of struggle.

The ignorance just floored me, though. I sat there with my jaw dropped, but surprisingly, no one else batted an eye.

My mind flashed back to a Sunday afternoon in my apartment in Chicago. Bobby and I had walked to the grocery store and got stuff to make chicken tacos for lunch, and I was exceptionally happy at having cooked a healthy meal with someone I deeply cared about. I cleared our plates and as I put them in the sink, he grabbed my arm, twirled me around, and pulled me in for a kiss.

Noooo, don't, I have taco breath.

I do, too. We're delicious, and I like you.

Besides being terribly adorable, I loved it for being such a real moment. This was someone who made me feel comfortable and lovely, whether I was dressed up for our first date to a concert in the park or if I had taco breath in the kitchen of my little apartment.

We went to the living room, put on a movie, and snuggled up on the couch. He kissed my neck and I just smiled, loving the feeling of being held by him and trying to make every moment last as long as possible. His hand slowly reached over and landed on my stomach, and as always, I pulled back.

What's wrong?

I ... um ... well ... it's just, since I lost all that weight and all, I kind of have some loose skin. And it's the worst on my stomach, so I'm just really kind of self conscious about it.

Well, first of all, there isn't a part of you that I don't like. And second, didn't you see my scar?

I admitted that I hadn't noticed it, and he lifted up his shirt to reveal a long scar on his lower abdomen.

Oh my gosh, what is that from?

It's a scar from my surgery.

Well, yeah, but I mean, from what? Are you okay?

Yeah. I, uh ... I had cancer.

The details of his story are his to tell, so my sharing ends there. But it was a very humbling moment for me. At 23, this boy has been cancer-free for nearly six years. He could be upset, mad, bitter about it. But he isn't. He's alive, and that scar is proof that he overcame something, that he has healed.

Sitting there on the couch, I inhaled deeply to feel brave, then lifted up my shirt just enough to show my stomach. He put his hand on it and told me I was beautiful and that he was so proud of me for this incredible achievement. He could see it. But I still struggled.

I keep hitting this wall with my weight loss - 192 seems to be my threshold, and then I panic. Because my body at 192 feels a very particular way ... it feels extra loose. And I get scared and start dreading what 191 might look like, what 190 will feel like, what the 180s will bring, and by the time my mind gets to thinking about my at-goal body, I'm dizzy and raiding the cabinets for anything that I can use to sabotage my efforts.

It's an odd vanity. I put off losing weight for so long because I was afraid of loose skin. I preferred my body bloated, overstuffed, unhealthy, and unattractive. It was more of an excuse to keep making easy-but-terrible choices than a legitimate fear, but still, it prevented me from taking action. My loose skin might not have been so bad if I had committed to getting healthy any of the other times I tried to lose weight.

But talking to Bobby about his experience, I felt selfish. I dislike this thing about my body, even though I really ought to celebrate it. This loose skin is my trophy - I was incredibly unhealthy, but I brought myself back from the edge. This body is soft and wrinkled, but that's far better than solidly packed with excess fat. I overcame something, and this is how my body has been healing itself.

My body has been stretched, mistreated, and malnourished. But now it is exercised, well-fed, hydrated, respected, and loved. My skin is loose, but the body it protects is healthy, and I cannot be anything but grateful.

Fire Up: Week Four

2011-10-10T07:30:00.000-07:00

My positive picture for the week:

It rained on Wednesday and Thursday - real rain, with thunder and everything - besides one day with a little drizzle for an hour or so, this was the first time it rained since I moved here. It was SO nice, and I took full advantage of it to catch up on sleep. Friday morning, I woke up early and very well-rested, and headed over to the university early to check my email and start working on clearing out Google Reader before the four hour orientation.

Loving the return of the sun, feeling comfy and casual. It was a really lovely morning.

What have you done this week to help get to your goals?
(1) Lost 1 pound, so I have 10 more to go to make this goal!
(2) Did much better with not eating after dinner - 6 of 7 days is great, but the full 7/7 is my goal for this week.
(3) I registered for a 5k! The Hot Chocolate 5k in Chicago on November 5. Not only do I get to run with some of my Chicago running buddies, but afterwards, we get chocolate fondue. Win, win! (Personal goal: sub-30 or no fondue!)
(4) I dipped into my savings a bit to cover my next flight to Chicago, but I am okay with that - I'm expecting one last check from the University of Illinois, a refund from a Christmas club-type savings account I was direct depositing into in case I didn't get rehired. Part of it will cover the plane tickets, the rest will go into my savings.

What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?

My electric bill was 1/10 what I had planned for (my crazy officemate said to expect $300+ - she keeps her AC on all the time, though), so I had some wiggle room to go clothes shopping, which I desperately needed. I have no autumn clothes! I got long sleeve shirts, sweaters, and a couple of really cute dresses on clearance (summer dress + leggings = California autumn dress).

What is your go-to food or activity when you've had a bad day?

My triggering comfort foods are all rooted in my childhood and usually involve either bread or pasta, and always cheese. I usually pick savory over sweet.

In trying to not use food in that way, I've been seeking alternative ways to cope with tough days. My favorite way to spend a bad day is napping. There is very little that a good power nap can't cure.

What's the last thing you did that you were really proud of?

I got up early yesterday morning and watched the online coverage of the Chicago marathon. It was so incredibly inspirational! And then I went out and ran. 2 miles in 18:51. I was amazingly proud - definitely a personal best!

What was your favorite school subject, and your least favorite? Why?

Favorite - languages, always. Least favorites were math and science. I was good enough at them, I just never enjoyed them.

Growth

2011-10-08T05:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had to attend a mandatory orientation for new full-time university employees. The meeting opened with a history of our university system and the proposed future plans for our campus. The newest branch of the university, opened less than a decade ago, there's a lot of talk about growth. The educational budget in California was cut by hundreds of millions of dollars, half of which was cut specifically from our university system - the exception to which is our campus. Because it's so new and they want to make sure it develops into a successful research institution, they're pumping money into it. They're making cuts everywhere except here, which is a pretty interesting situation to be in.

One thing they mentioned is the idea that within a decade or so, this little school will be one of the biggest universities - if not the biggest - in the state. And California, for my foreign readers, is a huge state. There's so much space around for growth, especially surrounding the current campus.

We saw sketches and 3D models of the intended expansion, and it was mindblowing. It felt really wonderful to be sitting in that room, hearing about the future of something really big. Someday my kids and grandkids will be able to say that their mother/grandmother was there, helping with the success of developing the first American research university built in the 21st century.

Of course, expansion comes at a cost, and not only financially. The area we're in is largely agricultural, and one of the biggest concerns with development is how to minimize negative impact on the surrounding environment. Because all the university buildings are new within the past decade or so, they're all "green." We have a field of solar panels adjacent to the campus that provides over half our campus' energy. There's a 2020 goal of having zero carbon footprint. And with all the expansion, there are conservation methods being put into place for the habitats of the many endangered species found locally.

Like most things lately, the orientation had me thinking about my weight loss journey. About how to grow but still maintain a sense of balance with my environment. About how to change but still preserve my integrity. About how to stay positive and work through the current situations, no matter how stressful or tough they may seem, because there's a long-term goal I've set that I want to reach, and the benefits will most certainly be worth the wait.

I don't always make the best decisions with food, or with exercise, or with my relationships, but I make more good decisions than bad ones. I slip up sometimes, but less often than I used to. I'm moving in the right direction. I'm on track to meet my goals, and it feels so good to be my own growing and changing system.

Our university is doing a lot to take care of our community through job creation, environmental technology, and most importantly, education - and it's so great to be part of that.

And I'm doing a lot to take care of myself through proper nourishment, clean hydration, physical activity, and most importantly, mental/emotional guidance - and it's so great to be part of that, too. To be here, marveling with joy as I transform and become exactly what I envisioned. The day-to-day isn't always perfect, but that's okay. I just focus on my goals, and know that I will overcome whatever obstacles arise on the path it takes for me to get there.

Rough

2011-10-05T05:30:00.000-07:00

With all the biking I have been doing, I have noticed a few changes in my body.

There are the leg muscles, which are looking and feeling incredible these days.

What's the leg equivalent of offering someone tickets to the gun show? Because I could flex these babies all day.

And there are the awkward tan lines:

The wrist is pale from my Garmin, and my fingertips are lighter than the rest of my hand because that's the part that curls under the handlebars and away from direct sunlight. Yikes.

And speaking of hands ... I've been noticing something else there.

Some rough spots.

There are callouses on my inside of my hand and my palms, as well as some rough spots on my thumbs from where I grip the handlebars. Part of that can be solved by not holding on so tight - but despite all the biking I do, I still am constantly in fear of getting hit by a car, so I'm hyperaware of my surroundings and always holding on for dear life. I've started keeping a bottle of lotion on my desk at work to stay moisturized, too. It's still quite rough, though, and I am not quite sure what else to do.

It isn't painful, just a little awkward. Veteran bikers, people with rough or dry skin ... any suggestions?

Workouts: September

2011-10-04T05:30:00.000-07:00

Well, my low-activity August certainly met its match with September! Between biking and running, I stayed very active - admittedly less running than I would have liked, but I am already focusing on October as my coming-back-to-life via running month.

I biked a lot in September. Like, a ton. It's almost an embarrassing number when you realize I'm only down 3 pounds from where I was at the end of August. But, all things considered, I'm feeling okay with my overall weight loss progress:

All the biking wasn't a complete waste - it felt good to move, even if my eating was sub-par, and now that I am back to losing, I can feel some of the results of my 465.85 miles of biking - my legs are looking incredibly toned, even moreso than they were before with all the running. My thighs look and feel a-mazing. I'm thrilled.

Speaking of running ... I ran 10.08 miles in September - yikes. It's upsetting, especially considering I was on track to run more than that in one race earlier in the month. But I'm not feeling defeated. I really miss running distances, to be honest. I miss going a little slower than in a shorter race and really taking my time to hit the pavement. My last long run in Chicago was nine miles and was about an hour and forty-five minutes. There's an incredible mental clarity that comes from doing a physical activity for that long - you feel pushed to your limits, and then you push harder, and it's amazing. You did something you didn't think you could, and your reward is a second breakfast, a big glass of water or two, an ice bath, and a feeling like you can reach out and grab absolutely anything you dream of.

I miss that feeling.

It isn't gone forever, though. I'm on the lookout for December/January half marathons - it's California, they race year round. That gives me time to train, plus I won't have to worry about traveling rush since I'll be on winter break. Most of the halfs I've seen so far are on Sunday mornings, which makes things tricky since I teach on Monday mornings and the flights in and out of the small local airport only run a couple of times a day.

Everything is moving in the right direction again, and I couldn't be more pleased. My eating is better, the scale is moving in the right direction, I'm feeling balanced overall, and my stress is definitely down compared to the beginning of September. I'm glad that I have been able to figure out ways to stay active without a gym membership, though I do miss it sometimes, to tell the truth. I miss the elliptical sometimes, and just having a place to go and sweat out my stresses. I've been hitting the bike trails more lately, which is good, but there's something about workout machines that motivates a little differently. I might consider the gym once I get my driver's license, but until then, I don't want to overdo it - biking to work is tiring some days, but to have to bike home after a crazy workout too? I don't want to wear my body out just yet!

So, October goals: keep up the biking, try to find an organized race so I can try for my sub-30 5k, and complete my 345-in-2011 goal. I've ran 323.44 miles so far - that means I'm at 93.75% of my goal with 88 days left in the year. I need just over 21.5 miles in October to meet my goal - I can *so* do this!

What about you? How was your September? What are your goals for October? Any races or challenges on the schedule? How does the changing season change your workout routines?

Fire Up: Week Three

2011-10-03T05:30:00.000-07:00

My positive picture for the week:

I went for a bike ride yesterday - to my office, but also to a lake nearby. I wanted to do some offline writing, and the lake seemed the perfect setting.

I love the water, and it's nice to have this little oasis here, especially since most of the place where I live now looks like this:

What have you done this week to help get to your goals?

(1) Lost 3 pounds, so I have 11 more to go to make this goal!
(2) Did much better with not eating after dinner. I *did* have a piece of the vegan cake I made, but since I had planned it and logged it, I am okay with that - it was an occasion, and the not-eating-after-dinner is more for late night binges that I don't track.
(3) I ran yesterday!

I did less than a mile because my pants were falling down (amazing how a few pounds can make your clothes fit better or worse!) but it felt good, and I'm confident about making October my month of running - it was October last year when I started C25k, it's October this year when I'm going to stoke the fire.
(4) I got paid on the 1st of the month, so I made my monthly budget. A few days in, and so far so good!
(5) I completed #24 - host a dinner party! Two down and one to go to make this goal! Back to tearing through the list, I love it.

What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?

I've been eating raw as much as possible, and my body cannot thank me enough. My appetite seems to have adjusted itself, and the scale is moving in the right direction again. As far as non-raw eating, though, I'm really proud of the fact that I gave away every crumb of the leftover cake from my dinner party. It made me feel strong and fabulous - I was so happy to bake and enjoy the product responsibly, and I recognized that even at 125 calories for a small slice, I didn't want to have that kind of temptation in the house once everyone left. The leftovers were gladly taken home by my guests - Justin told me the next day that he ate three slices for breakfast. *sigh*

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? What are your goals? Ambitions?

Married, for sure, with possibly a kid, or at least one on the way - in five years, I'll be going on 30, and I'd like to have my first before then. I also want some time as a couple without children, though, so we'll see. As far as work, the university where I work is fairly new and is growing like crazy, so I'd love to still be here in a few years, continuing to build up my program. I love the university and I love the job, it's just the town that is taking some getting used to.

Give us a tip or a fact. About anything, what is something great you've heard that everyone should know?

Jason Mraz is a musician who used to write an amazing blog. I'm not a devout fan of his music, but his writing was always exceptionally thought-provoking. One of my favorite posts of his mentioned the idea that

How you do anything is how you do everything.

And since then, I haven't been able to get the thought out of my mind.

What was your most recent dream that you can remember?

I used to have really vivid dreams when I was 345 pounds - likely because I would eat huge amounts of food right before falling asleep. (This blog is named after one of my dreams, actually.) I don't dream very much anymore, but the last one I remember was this summer, where my teeth liquified. It was a recurring nightmare when I was finishing grad school - it symbolizes feelings of instability, loss of control.

Bruschetta

2011-10-02T05:30:00.000-07:00

When I first met Justin, he was with two of his co-workers down in the complex pool. They are all Ph.D. students interning at the university where I teach, and since we're all from different parts of the country and only know each other, we talked about getting together once a week for dinner and socializing.

The first week's dinner was at Adam's - he made quinoa with peanut sauce and veggies. He also made us all juice with his fancy new juice machine he bought after seeing that juice documentary that everyone's going nuts over these days. For dessert, Justin made a mixed berry cobbler.

The next week was at Justin's - he made Indian chickpea curry with roti and a cucumber yogurt salad. All our meals need to be meat-free since Minal is vegetarian, and as we ate the salad, we learned that the newly added fifth member of our group, Kristin (another woman who lives in the complex and works at the university), is a vegan (but socially vegetarian), so we're going to try to be as vegan-friendly as possible in the future. It's a fun and healthy challenge.

And so this past week, it was my turn. I made three kinds of ravioli - pumpkin/hazelnut/feta, beet/pear/feta, and spinach/mushroom/garlic:

Mostly the spinach/mushroom/garlic ones since they were vegan, and instead of using my own homemade pasta, I bought vegan wonton wrappers - they were not only vegan, but they saved time as I got ready for everything else. I also made a vegan chocolate cake with ginger and cinnamon (my own recipe, with the spices inspired by an Italian film I love called - wait for it - "Ginger and Cinnamon.").

Justin asked me earlier in the day if he could make salsa for an appetizer - he has a Slap Chop and has therefore been looking for any excuse to cut things into small pieces. It didn't go with my Italian theme, but it wasn't a bad idea. So, we had bruschetta.

Bruschetta is an Italian tomato and basil salad, served cold with pieces of toasted bread. It's a very simple appetizer, and could easily be eaten as a light lunch.

The good news is, it's incredibly delicious.

The bad news is, it got gobbled up before I could get a picture of the salad.

I did get pictures of the toasts before I prepped them and as they went into the oven, though!

Yum!

5 plum tomatoes
1 bunch fresh basil, roughly chopped
4 garlic cloves, minced
6 tablespoons olive oil
3 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
1 French loaf, sliced into rounds

Combine two minced garlic cloves with about a quarter of the chopped basil and 3 tablespoons of olive oil; set aside. Chop tomatoes and combine with remaining basil. Add balsamic vinegar. In a small skillet, heat remaining olive oil and brown remaining minced garlic. Add to tomato mixture; gently stir to ensure consistent coating. Refrigerate for several hours to let flavors mix well.

Ten minutes before serving, lightly brush one side of the French bread rounds with olive oil/garlic/basil mixture (you will likely not use all of it) and bake them for 8-10 minutes in a preheated 400º F oven.

You should not pre-assemble the bruschetta so the toasts don't get soggy. (Unless that's what you're into. Then, by all means, top away!)

It's a very summer-y dish, but since the temperatures are still in the 80 and 90º range here, no one seemed to mind. Like I said, it disappeared before I could even get a picture! I'll definitely be making it again - though I'm not sure I have a choice in that, it was their request!

What about you? What are your favorite dinner party appetizers?

Traveling

2011-10-01T05:30:00.000-07:00

I guess the most interesting thing about my story from Friday night is that the comments about my sex life came before I finished recounting my experience. My intent with withholding the ending was partly to maintain suspense, but also because I was tired from all my traveling and didn't feel up to writing the whole story out in one night.

I said I was going to sleep with Bobby - it was our plan, we had talked about it, discussed it openly - but as I finished the first part of the story, I didn't say if we did or did not.

Whether or not anything happened between us that night is between us, and I'm leaving it at that. I will say that I stood at the door for a few seconds, looking through the peephole at him standing there, and I hesitated before opening the door. That I was excited to see him, but that the feelings I had before I left Chicago were definitely different. That I wasn't sure if sleeping together was such a good idea, since I didn't feel that same connection, or at least not as strongly.

I *will* say that we talked a lot that night, and that there were tears. We parted with a kiss and a smile and a

Drive safe, have a good day at work, and I'll see you next month.

And I spent the rest of that day wandering around Chicago, eating poorly/too much and feeling lost and alone in a place that used to feel comfortable, a place where I used to belong. It was very clearly not home anymore. I felt completely detached, and it was very strange. A month ago, these were my streets. Now, I'm just another visitor. I'm here, but not to stay.

And I thought about my summer, and my life, and my relationships, and everything else that has changed since July 2010. And how much of it has been like traveling - with everything from preparations and anticipation to the occasional mixed feelings while on the journey. There are moments when things don't go as planned and it's painful, and there are times when you find yourself in a place completely different than you expected yet you can't help but feel pleased with where you end up.

On Sunday morning, I left Chicago feeling burdened. Heavy with the physical weight of my binge - the kind of rock bottom feeling that I had in summer 2010. And heavy with the emotional weight of not knowing what to do about my situation with Bobby. We're not in a relationship, we never officially were. We said we'd keep in touch and see how things work long distance, and I was hoping to establish some clarity on that while I was in Chicago. We talked, but there were no clear, black-and-white resolutions.

I'm on a journey, complete with plans and perhaps over the limit on my baggage. I spend a little time in each decade of weight loss, in each phase of eating or exercise habits, and then I'm back on the road, searching for my next destination.

As far as the part of my journey that has Bobby on the ride with me ... I'm not quite sure where we're headed. But I'm trying to take in the sights and enjoy the journey as much as possible, and know that afterwards, I'll be able to look back on whatever happened with clarity and a feeling that regardless of the outcome, I've grown from the experience. When I was in high school, my senior yearbook quote was one that I found while reading an article in Time magazine about people with obsessive compulsive and personality disorders who would go camping in the mountains as part of their therapy. One of the campers remarked that

An adventure is something that sucks until it's over.

And that idea stuck with me. I could see how it applied to high school. And later, to college. And now, to most of life.

Roses and thorns

2011-09-30T05:30:00.000-07:00

I'm down to 196 this morning, a 3 pound loss for the week. And I'm thrilled, especially after seeing 202 on Monday morning after coming back from Chicago.

Saturday was pretty much a day-long binge after how tough Friday night had been (part two of the story tomorrow, I promise), and I got back to California craving a healthy routine. I made one last less-than-healthy dinner on Monday for Justin and me to get rid of the ingredients, and for the rest of the week, I have tried to eat raw/vegan. My only off-day was Wednesday night, when I threw a dinner party and baked a vegan cake (had one piece and sent people home with all the leftovers!) and made a few kinds of ravioli, some of which had a little feta cheese in them. And even that was under my calorie goal!

If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times. It feels so good to do right by my body.

The plan of "eat better, eat less, and move more" has been suffering since I got to California, and I have slowly but surely been getting my act together. Moving more? Easy - I bike 11 miles a day just with commuting. Eating better? Tough at first, but under control now. Eating less was the last one to tackle, and the toughest - it has been so easy to fall back into old habits of eating a lot, especially when paired with poor choices. But something clicked this past week - maybe leaving onederland and realizing how lousy 202 feels compared to 192? - and I've been able to stick to my goals and not eat most of my exercise calories. I'm ready to keep moving forward, to continue on towards my goals. And, again - it feels so good.

I'm feeling very touched by all the responses I got yesterday to my question about blogging and commenting with honesty. I understand everyone's points of view, and I know that by exposing my life like this, I am opening myself up to thoughts, ideas, and criticism. I think there's a difference though, subtle as it can sometimes be, between sharing an honest opinion and proselytizing. For nearly 400 posts, I haven't had any issues with personal attacks - which is not to say that Wednesday's comment was a personal attack, but something about it rubbed me the wrong way and felt like it crossed a different line than the usual constructive criticism I am so grateful to receive.

I think what struck me most about the comment in question was the language, I guess - that it wasn't just that I am doing something terrible by not "keeping myself sacred," but she made it sound like I am going around sleeping with every guy I meet. I was upset not necessarily by the accusations, but by the idea that this is the way I am being perceived. Based on everyone's comments on yesterday's post, I can see that her way of seeing things is the exception and not the rule, which I am thankful for.

I'm not out at bars every night, taking home a new guy. I'm not sexually indiscriminate - I start seeing a guy, and after getting to know each other a little, the relationship moves forward. I know that in the past I have used sex the same way I used food - as a means of hurting myself. That is something I have written about extensively, and it isn't a practice I observe anymore. I'm not trying to hurt myself by sleeping with any guy who tells me I'm pretty so I can feel better about the fact that I hate my body. I love my body. I do what I can to honor it and treat it well. And part of that, for me, is expressing love via a physical connection with a man I am pursuing a relationship with.

Everything I write about here comes back to the same goal I had in mind when I first got started: I'm trying to find out how to live the healthiest life possible, how to figure out a sustainable way to change my habits for the better, how to open myself up to new feelings and experiences while keeping my healthy living goals in mind. It hasn't always been easy, but I knew that from the beginning - life can only be lived via trial and error, and the mistakes I make help me guide my future decisions. Buying peanut butter when I know I am stressed out is a bad idea, which is why I don't keep it in the house. Sleeping with Matt right away was a bad idea - which is why I waited with Bobby. I make mistakes, I learn from them. As a flawed but perfectly normal human being, it's the best I can do.

What I do with my body

2011-09-29T05:30:00.000-07:00

"You are the child of God's holy gift of life. You come from me. But you are not me. Your soul and your body are your own, and yours to do with as you wish."
"Secretary"

As I prepare myself to share the events of my Friday night and the behind-the-scenes of what exactly has been going on with Justin, I find myself hesitating a little.

I've always been proud of the fact that I'm very honest here - moreso than in my "real" life, I think, because this is, above all else, a place for me to document my journey of self-discovery. A huge part of that has been my weight loss, but as my body has physically changed, my life has shifted - I can do things now that I couldn't do before, and this is a place where I can document all my firsts, all my experiences.

My voice has certainly shifted from a year ago. My issues and concerns are not the same as they were at 345 pounds, and not just with food or exercise. With weight loss has come a few attempts at dating, and I believe that I've approached the subject as tastefully as possible. That said, I got a fairly unsettling comment on yesterday's blog post. It was an understandable argument from someone whose views on sex and dating are far more conservative than my own, and I found myself immediately defensive. And then, confused.

The conflict: am I allowed to make the argument that you can't tell me what is right or wrong for my body on my healthy living blog, somewhere where the focus is very dominantly trying to figure out exactly what right and wrong may be for my individual circumstances, somewhere where I write out my experiences and ask for feedback and advice?

I'm really quite interested in seeing what people think about this. How honest is too honest - as both a blogger and a commenter?

Thursday, Friday

2011-09-28T05:30:00.000-07:00

I spent this past weekend in Chicago. I woke up Thursday morning with a lot on my mind - thinking about things I wanted to see and do in the city, but also, anticipating seeing Bobby again for the first time since I left four weeks ago. It was mostly a good nervousness, but still, the anxious feeling filled my stomach.

I taught my three classes on Thursday morning, then arranged for a taxi to bring me to the small local airport - the most direct flight possible involved a small commuter plane from my town to Los Angeles. The plane had 19 seats; there were four of us on there. A little scary when it got bumpy, but all in all, not bad.

We were running late, so when we landed at L.A., I ran to catch my connecting flight to Chicago. Got there in the nick of time!

Went straight to Lorelei's on Thursday night since I got in late. Talked a little, slept. Oatmeal with raisins and more chitchat for breakfast. Then, we walked to the el (saw this en route - love!).

We went to the Chicago Cultural Center and then to Millennium Park - all sorts of lovely, Chicago-specific things.

Then we went to the French Market to meet up with Mike for lunch. Vietnamese sandwiches, Italian gelato, and hours of conversation and laughing. It was absolutely perfect.

Then we went down to the lakeshore and walked seven miles, just taking in the scenery and talking more. We had a lot to catch up on - Lorelei told me about the classes she is taking for a high school teaching certificate, and I told her about the university and my new town.

Finally, we ended up back at her place, and I headed out to go to my hotel room - Bobby got out of work at 9:30 and lives about an hour drive away from the city, so I knew he'd be tired. I wanted to check in, to shower, and to get ready for him to show up.

10:57 p.m., my phone rings. He's here, headed down the hallway to my room. My stomach is a pit of nerves - for a few different reasons.

Because after an extremely stressful and difficult month apart, I'm finally going to see him again.

Because after two months of knowing each other, we're going to sleep together for the first time.

Because I've been spending a lot of time with Justin, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't feeling a little conflicted.

But more on that tomorrow.

Stuffed peppers

2011-09-27T05:30:00.000-07:00

I promised a new, healthy recipe for Sunday, and then I realized that I was going to be out of town for the weekend.

So what's a girl to do?

I made one anyway: roasted stuffed peppers, two filling halves for just under 250 calories. A recipe of my own invention, sort of. I've seen versions here and there, but this mix was a little bit of what I craved and a little of whatever I had in the fridge.

And wrote up a little post to go with it.

And forgot to hit publish.

*sigh*

Better late than never, I suppose. They were totally yummy, and super colorful, so it's worth the wait, I think!

Three medium sized bell peppers (I used one green, one yellow, and one orange to make it more colorful) - two halved, one chopped
1/2 cup lentils
1/4 lb. ground turkey
1 small zucchini
1 small sweet onion
1 tsp. garlic powder
1 cup tomato sauce

Cook lentils according to package, set aside. Cook onions for 2-3 minutes, then add chopped bell pepper and cook for 2 more minutes. Add ground turkey and garlic powder and cook thoroughly. Remove from heat and add lentils, zucchini, and most of the tomato sauce (reserving a small amount to drizzle over the top). Take the two halved bell peppers and scrape out ribs and seeds. Fill the halves with heaving scoops of filling, then drizzle the tops with remaining sauce. Bake in a 350º oven for 30 minutes.

They were so good - filling, but not too heavy. Justin gobbled up the leftovers within an hour or so of me putting them in the fridge, so they're man approved!

I've been seeing a lot of Justin lately. Between the dinner parties and just getting together to share a meal or a homemade fruit smoothie and watch an episode of one of the TV shows I have on DVD (so far we've seen one episode of "30 Rock," but I'm trying to steer him more towards "Pushing Daisies"), we've spent five evenings together in the past week or so ... every night since last Monday except the three when I was in Chicago.

It's nice - I like not being alone, especially in the evening when I'm most likely to binge. But also, it's nice to be around someone who doesn't have weight/food issues. I like observing how he approaches food and the way he eats, and thinking about some of my own disordered eating habits - the ones I'm working on changing, and the ones I've recently become aware of. (Which, of course, I will write about soon.) It's really quite interesting.

Sunday night, after my sixteen hours of flights and layovers, I got back to my apartment and he came over to see how the weekend went. (That update will come tomorrow.) And then I went to his place, where he cooked some Indian spiced lentils and we had a couple of cocktails. I told him about being a Culinary Historian when I was back in Chicago, and he laughed and said we won't find anything like that where we are. I said I would start something up, then, and he said he'd be a member, and with two of us, we'd have a club. Our dinner parties kind of count, he said.

Things are looking up in central California.

Fire Up: Week Two

2011-09-26T05:30:00.000-07:00

My positive picture for the week:

On the side of the street in Chicago:

Oh, how I miss that place!

What have you done this week to help you achieve your goals?

(1) Weighed in at 199 - 14 pounds to goal!
(2) Did okay with not eating after dinner - some good days, a couple bad ones. Looking to improve for this week, for sure.
(5) I completed #61 (treat a friend to dinner) on Friday - I actually treated TWO friends! We ate delicious Vietnamese banh mi sandwiches at Saigon Sisters in the French Market in Chicago. So perfect.

What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?

I wore scandalous pajamas from Victoria's Secret on Friday night and didn't obesess over my loose skin. I started to, and then realized that I look amazing and the loose skin is a sign that I'm doing right by my body, that I've lost weight and am getting healthier. And I just owned the heck out of that nightie. Very cute.

What is your talent? What are you good at?

I'm not sure I have one great talent - I'm a "jack of all trades, master of none" kind of girl. I have a lot of interests and some skill after pursuing them a bit, but nothing really exceptional.

What's been the highlight of your week, toot your horn, what are you proud of?

Spending 28 hours on planes and in airports and not overeating! It's so easy to eat lots of junk there, but I stayed in control - plus I walked around a ton to burn whatever calories I could!

What's your guilty pleasure TV?

Hmm ... I'm not really a TV watcher. I'd say "The Golden Girls," but there's no guilt there. I love them and I am proud!

Roses and thorns

2011-09-23T05:30:00.000-07:00

Provided nothing went awry yesterday, I'm in Chicago right now, loving life with my friends and anticipating seeing Bobby later today. Weight was 199 on Thursday morning when I left for the office (and when I set this to publish) - it's a 1 in the hundreds place, which I'm relieved to see again, and it's movement in the right direction, so I have no complaints.

I'll be making good decisions all weekend - running with Lorelei in more humane temperatures, eating well, and hopefully some high-/low-intensity cardio intervals with my bien-aimé. (Sorry, Dad.)

Stay tuned for a recap next week, either as part of my Fire Up update on Monday or something separate another day.

Enjoy your weekend! Make as many good decisions as you can.

Maintenance, part four

2011-09-22T05:30:00.000-07:00

Recovering from the past few weeks of struggling has honestly felt like crawling out of a very dark hole. It's a struggle, for sure, and you're not entirely sure how far you've fallen until you get to the top and can look back, surveying how far you had to climb just to reach the surface again.

I sat on the couch this weekend, crying. Crying, because I wanted to eat and I knew I wasn't hungry. Crying, because since I got to California, I've been soothing emotional emptiness with physical fullness. Crying, because I had such high hopes for my transition - wishing that somehow, magically, I'd turn into the kind of person who loses her appetite when faced with stressful situations, that the 189 I saw right before leaving would stick. But it was 194 by the time I got to California, and has bounced around between 194 and 199 for weeks now.

Until this weekend, when I saw it.

201.

And it may well have been 345.

It hurt, not because I finally saw the number I had skirted around for so long, but because I felt guilty. I knew it was a direct result of my actions. I'm not on a medicine that makes me gain weight, nor do I have any condition that impairs my ability to lose weight. I'm not physically impaired in any way that prevents me from being active. I have my faculties about me, but I've made deliberate poor choices, and that's the part that hurts. I spent so long making all the right choices, and the positive results followed. Now, here I am, fully aware of the bad decisions I'm making, and I make them anyway.

Awareness is the difference between this attempt at losing weight and all my past failures. I never really did the research on what I needed to do in order to truly succeed, and I never honestly believed that I could make it even close to my goal. This time, though, I am armed with the knowledge of exactly what I need to do to properly nourish my body. I know what makes me feel good and what makes me feel uncomfortable and unhealthy, and I think that is something that can't ever go away. Even when I binge, even when I have terrible, horrible off-plan days, there's a voice in the back of my head that screams Don't do this. You know this is wrong. This is not what you really want. This will not make you feel good - not while you do it, not immediately following, not for the rest of the day.

It's awareness, but even more specifically, it's guilt.

I realized I've been deluding myself. For months, my weight has stayed the same, plus or minus five pounds, and I've brushed it off, saying I'm stressed and trying to put a positive light on it by saying I'll be great at maintenance.

But - there's a difference between intentional weight maintenance and a plateau. There's a difference between what I want my maintenance to be and what I am doing to myself right now.

My weight has been mostly unchanging, but what I have been doing to myself lately is far from balanced. A few great days here and there, and then I self-sabotage in a huge way. I don't want to spend the rest of my life taking a few steps forward and then getting set back - even if the weight evens out, I hate the feeling of guilt.

Having reviewed the plans of quite a few maintenance bloggers, it's clear that the approaches to maintaining are as diverse as the ways to lose weight. Essentially, they're all the same - we have a calorie deficit to lose, we break even to maintain. For some people, maintenance means keeping up the exact methods they used to lose - they still count Points, they still count calories and keep food journals - but they alter their intake and output slightly. For others, there's less of a focus on numbers and more on feelings. There are no weigh ins, no calories counted - they know what a healthy meal is, they eat when they are hungry, and they cut back a little when their clothes feel like they don't fit as well.

My maintenance, I hope, will be a combination. Maybe it's just because of the moment I find myself in right now, but I don't quite trust myself to rely on feelings just yet, and I can see myself continuing to track as I begin my maintaining phase. What I want is to eventually wean myself from numbers and focus on how I feel instead, but I know myself and I know getting to that point will take time. Being a recovering binge eater, I'll never be "cured" of the urges and the feelings. My maintenance goal is to get them under control, though - to feel more balanced overall.

Giggly

2011-09-21T05:30:00.000-07:00

Kind of a fluff post, but I'm okay with that - I'm working on a pretty heavy post, didn't finish it for today. And I'm okay with that, too, because I had a medium-busy day yesterday.

I proctored an exam for one of my classes, spent my office hours grading, biked home from work and decided en route to go to the grocery store and get ingredients for a healthy new recipe (check back on Sunday!). It came out deliciously, and then, exhausted from biking in 98º heat with a bag of groceries balancing in my purse (it was a spur of the moment grocery trip, no backpack!), I took a nap.

I woke up when Justin texted me a few hours later - then he came over for dinner and the second episode of "Pushing Daisies," which we started on Monday over smoothies. I'm glad to be watching it with someone because that way, I am sort of distracted from the fact that the main character makes pies and I don't get triggered.

After the show, I went to my room and video chatted with Bobby. He was very giggly, it was ridiculously cute. He made a blanket fort and brought me (his laptop) in with him.

That face! *sigh* I can't wait to kiss the hell out of him this weekend.

I have become an expert at Day Ones, but haven't survived a Day Two in a while. So now, after two days in a row where I felt really good about what I ate and how I moved? Everything else feels good, too.

Stupid

2011-09-20T05:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I decided to take the campus shuttle to work instead of biking in - I wanted to test and see how accurate the time was on the schedule for Thursday, when I'll need to ride it to work again (not bringing my bike so I can call for a cab and go directly to the airport after class!). Since I wanted to bike home, though, I brought my bike and hitched it up to the bus' bike rack, then took my seat. The bus ride was 45 minutes from my apartment complex to the school's library - a good 20 minutes longer than it takes me to bike there, something I was a little proud of.

I unloaded my bike and walked it from the library to the building where my office is. As I got to the bike rack, I noticed something was missing: my bike lock. I checked the bag where I put the helmet and my Garmin - nothing. I checked my purse - nope. Then I realized what I must have done: I usually loop the lock around the handlebars while I ride. Not a problem while my hand is next to it, keeping it on. But somewhere between my apartment and the school, it must have fallen off and rolled to the side of the road.

After wheeling my bike down the office hallway and cramming it into the corner of an office already crowded by the four of us who share it, I sat at my desk, exasperated. I feel stupid.

Reaching into my bag, I pulled out my breakfast: a banana and a container of Yoplait Light. The morning was not off to a good start, but breakfast is the most important meal, and I hoped it would help me refocus on positives for the rest of the day. But ... I usually eat breakfast before biking in. Grabbing everything in a rush to catch the bus, I didn't think to grab a spoon, too. And I felt stupid.

Most of the beginning of my day was like that, to tell the truth. I sort of knew it was going to be bad when I stepped on the scale in the morning and saw an extremely high number. It wasn't surprising, considering how much I had eaten the night before - I bargained with myself in the grocery store, saying I could handle what I was buying. You need to be able to handle it. You need to control yourself. I wish I could make a sandwich for lunch, really. But I'm just not strong enough right now for certain foods, I suppose.

Waking up, seeing numbers I never wanted to see again ... that set the whole rest of my day on a negative path. Because I felt stupid.

Weight loss is a math problem. Calories in, calories out. You can do this. You did this so well for a while. And now you can't do it. You can't stop eating. You can't control yourself. You're stupid.

I'm not sure what intelligence has to do with too much snacking, but "stupid" is my go-to self-inflicted put down. It's the one that really hurts. I've always heard fat and ugly and for the most part, I've let them roll off my back. I was okay being the fat girl, the ugly girl, the whatever girl - because underneath it all, I was a smart girl. I was the academic. Despite my body's failures, I was successful in this one arena. So to be called stupid means to attack the one consistent strength I've always believed myself to have.

I am a million things right now. I am a sister. I am a daughter. I am a long distance lady friend. I am a new faculty member at my university. I am a new neighbor in my community. I am lonely. I am dizzy. I am frustrated. I am losing sight of my goals. I am regaining weight.

But - I. Am. Not. Stupid.

I am distracted, and I am not at my best. But I'm strong, and I'm aware, and I'm capable of getting back on track and refocusing. Of getting things moving again in the right direction. Of finding my vision again.

And I fell asleep after a long, hot, frustrating, perfectly on-plan day believing myself to be a truly smart girl.

Fire up for Fall! Week One

2011-09-19T05:30:00.000-07:00

Oh, glory be. A challenge!

My positive picture for the week:

I ran yesterday morning! I don't run very much anymore, and it's pretty depressing, to be honest. I miss the exciting feeling of training for a race, of getting out there and breaking my records. I was feeling pretty sad: I loved running because it made me feel like an athlete, and I just haven't felt like much of one lately. Then, I got encouraging messages from Tim, Amy, and Becks, and I laced up my shoes and went.

Tim was right - if you have a body, you're an athlete. It wasn't much, but it felt amazing. The distance is nothing like what I used to be capable of, but I'm certainly pleased with the 9:55 pace. Perfect kickoff for my fall!

What are your goals for the Fall Challenge? Why have you chosen those goals?

1. Get my BMI under 30 ("obese" to "overweight").
This is my next big weight loss goal; weighing 185 pounds or less will have me there. I *can* do this! It will be a very exciting victory - my BMI at my biggest was 55.7 (over 30 is obese, over 40 is morbidly obese, and over 50 is super obese). To not be any variety of obese will be a huge deal - like when I bought a size medium t-shirt for the first time, and knew what it felt like to not be any variety of large.

2. No eating after dinner.
I saw Katie set a similar challenge for herself and I think this would really help me with getting my eating in control again. My binges are rarely in the morning - it's always at night, after I've had dinner and should be "done" for the day (binges are never about physical hunger). I don't want to set a particular time, because I don't always eat at the same time. But no matter when I have dinner, when I've finished, I'm done for the day.

3. Run a sub-30 5k.
One of my summer goals that I missed out on. I can do it - I just need to get it official. I'll be looking for races - nearby, in cities I can easily travel to like San Francisco and Los Angeles, and back in Chicago since I will hopefully be spending one weekend a month there.

4. Stick to my budget.
I'm making more money at this job than I did at my last one, and I want to be saving as much as possible - in case anything comes up, but also, for things like bigger vacations that I couldn't take on my previous salary. (Not that my overnight in St. Louis wasn't amazing, but I think I'd like to dust off my passport!) My goal is to stick to a decent monthly budget - rent times two. That should cover my bills, groceries, household expenses (things for the kitchen, bathroom, laundry, etc.), and leave enough to enjoy myself a little. The rest needs to go right into my savings!

5. Complete three of my 101-in-1001 goals.
Want to get back on track with these! I was tearing through the list for a while, but slowed at the end of the summer. This will give me something to do as well as something to work towards.

What have you done this week that's made you feel fabulous?

I soaked in the hot tub - even though it sounds wonderful having one at my disposal, I'm still pretty shy about public-swimsuit-ing and haven't been there much since my dad left, only twice with Justin. But this week, I just sucked it up and went alone. The jets felt good on my sore back (I fell asleep on the couch and it was a little painful all week), and just being there, not needing someone with me and not caring if people could see my arms and legs, felt good.

What do you think will be your biggest challenge in reaching your goals?

Staying focused. I have been so off-track lately - bouncing around the 190s all summer, eating my feelings instead of feeling and expressing them. I have great intentions and my motivation is slowly but surely coming back, but I think that having these goals written out and needing to update on them weekly will help incredibly with making sure they're met.

Where in the world do you live? What's amazing about it?

I live in central California, though I have only been here about a month and am still on the lookout for what is so amazing about it.

Don't be deceived by the lows - that's at about 6 a.m. It's already in the high 70s by 7:15 when I bike to work.

I guess that's amazing, per the traditional definition of causing amazement. Not awesome. But it's something. It's really hard to get used to, to be honest. It's tough being sad and frustrated and having it be sunny and beautiful all the time. Sometimes all you want is a rainy day, a day when you can lay around and be lazy and wallow a bit in your feelings and not feel guilty at all. But all this sun, I feel like I need to make the most of every day because I still have my Chicago mentality of enjoy it while it lasts.

Microwave

2011-09-18T05:30:00.000-07:00

Growing up, my stay-at-home mom cooked almost every meal from scratch. There were occasional meals out, but for the most part, everything was homemade. I don't remember ever eating premade frozen meals until my parents got divorced, when our eating habits changed as a family. I moved in with my dad, who couldn't cook much beyond boxes of macaroni and cheese and barbecued chicken with cornbread, so there were an awful lot of microwaved pizzas and pot pies. If I never eat one again, it will be too soon.

When I first moved into my apartment in Chicago, I made the decision not to get a microwave. I had never lived on my own before, but I still knew that left to my own devices, I'd live off of Hot Pockets, even though I knew how to cook. Cooking takes time and money; as a grad student, I wouldn't have much of either, and I was only half-heartedly invested in wanting to lose weight at the time, but I still knew that whatever time and money it took to cook for myself would be worth it. There were a lot of nights when I ordered take-out for my binges, but for the most part, I did all my own cooking. Even if I cooked unhealthy meals, it was still prepared by hand, and that felt good.

Finishing grad school and starting my first full-time job in Chicago coincided with the beginning of my weight loss journey, and even though I still did not have a microwave, I incorporated Lean Cuisine and Weight Watchers Smart Ones frozen meals into my daily plan. We had a microwave at the office, and it was convenient. It helped me transition from my unhealthy lunches from before (usually a big sandwich or a few packs of sushi from the school store, or a few candy bars and vending machine snacks to hold me over until I got home for my "real" meal) while also serving a purpose: I didn't feel ready to keep a loaf of bread or a container of sandwich meat in the house.

Despite the convenience of microwaves, I've gotten along pretty well without one. "Convenient" doesn't always mean "good."

Problem: my new apartment has a built-in microwave. And despite my love of cooking, I've been eating mostly Smart Ones lately. My go-to lunch (and sometimes dinner) has been a Lean Cuisine heated up and dumped over a bowl of lettuce. Dump - ugh. That even sounds unappealing - far less lovely than cooking verbs like sauté, simmer, combine.

Part of it is the frustration of starting my kitchen from scratch: I have some basic pots and pans and a few spices, but nowhere near the cooking arsenal I had back in Chicago. I need a new food processor - I miss bean burgers and avocado spinach pasta sauce and frozen banana "soft serve"! I get paid on the first of the month, and then things will be a little more right once again in my culinary world.

Another ~~excuse~~ problem I am having is that the grocery store is farther away from my apartment than it was when I was in Chicago. Seeing as I am car-free at the moment, I'm limited to what I can fit in my backpack and then carry home while riding my bike - and conveniently, Smart Ones and Lean Cuisines come in small boxes. (Again, and I cannot stress this enough, "convenient" does not necessarily mean "good.") In Chicago, I could have a backpack and carry bags in my hands - here, it's just too far to walk. Not to mention it's still very hot here , so walking the distance and carrying my groceries would be tough. I don't really mind going grocery shopping a few times a week, I just have to get out there and do it - it's a new frustration that I need to just suck up and deal with.

I need to get back to cooking for myself. I have eliminated processed snacks in place of fresh fruit and yogurt, and it feels great. Getting back to cooking all of my meals is the last piece of the puzzle, I think. The last thing I need to do to feel entirely back on track.

So next week, look for a new recipe here. I'll be back to posting new recipes on Sundays - healthy ones that don't involve the microwave, or at least no instructions like "dump into a bowl over a bag of salad."

What about you? What new foods or recipes have you tried lately? What are your favorite fall recipes?

Neck

2011-09-17T05:30:00.000-07:00

As a reward for losing 150 pounds, I decided a few months ago that I would go get my state ID renewed early, so that I could get a new picture. In Illinois, ID cards have your photo and also your weight listed; when I got mine in fall 2008, I weighed 305 pounds but said 295 because I had been losing weight and figured it would be accurate soon enough. (That, and admitting to the 3 in print was hard to do.) Then, over my two years in grad school, I gained 40 pounds to bring me to my biggest. This summer, at 195 pounds, I not only had met my 150 pound weight loss goal, but was 100 pounds lighter than my ID said. It seemed like the perfect reward.

One thing after another came up. I figured I would have to move at the end of the summer - if not back home to Connecticut, then at least to a cheaper place in Chicago - so it seemed useless to spend money on a new ID when I'd just need another one in a couple of months. And, to be honest, with my weight not changing for so long, it hadn't really felt like I deserved a reward. So it got put on the back burner.

Now, fast forward to my life in California. As a university employee, I need an ID card for certain things, like getting into my office and my classroom, using the photocopiers, and taking the campus shuttle buses. Last week, my paperwork finally got processed and I was able to get my faculty ID card made. Comparing the ID to my student ID from grad school (when I first arrived in Chicago - 324 pounds), I feel pretty proud of all I have accomplished:

There's consistency - it's me, for sure, with the curly hair I'm still not quite sure what to do with, and the pearl necklace I bought for my senior prom and have worn on all of the most important days of my life since then. But there are changes, too. I have a smile now, which is awesome. I have a tan, which is weird - at first I didn't realize I would need to wear sunscreen every day.

And - I have a neck. A nice one. With a little definition to it.

Yesterday, Tim wrote about a great NSV he had with his haircutter commenting on his face getting thinner. It reminded me of last spring, when one of my French coworkers commented on my weight loss, noting that

"...now you have a neck!"

In French, I'm sure it sounds like a lovely compliment. But at the time, I was struggling a lot with my self-image - specifically, with being able to visualize my weight loss - and so I mostly just shrugged it off.

With my weight having essentially stayed the same (plus or minus five pounds) for the past few months, my brain has had the opportunity to catch up a little. I couldn't see it for a very long time, and it was heartbreaking. Now, I can look in the mirror or at my new ID card, and even though I'm not always happy with everything I see, I can at least recognize that the girl I am looking at is me.

Roses and thorns

2011-09-16T05:30:00.000-07:00

195.

*exhale*

It's a one pound gain from last week's weigh in, but down four and a half pounds from Sunday morning, when I woke up after my last binge. So I can't feel too down about it, even though it's, once again, a week of two steps forward, one step back.

I'm losing a good amount of weight every week, I just regain too much first that it doesn't show. Frustrating, yes. But things are looking up, though.

This number was incredibly hard-earned. I have been on-track and motivated and putting in a great effort this week. My eating is better - not quite perfect again, but I've been figuring out things that work for me and things that don't; I have not binged, so I have absolutely no complaints. My biking has been reasonable - no extra-long bike rides to punish myself for overeating or for making poor food choices. It was a little easy to stay focused, to be honest, because I felt under the weather all week. I had no appetite some days, and my back was hurting a little for a couple of days so I kept the biking to a minimum and got to bed early (before 9 p.m.!) most nights.

I'm feeling positive as I head into the weekend. Here is my test of my resolve, I think. Staying on track during the week was mostly easy because I had so much work to do and events to distract me. The weekends are where I struggle, and so I'm going to be extra careful and try and find things to do to keep myself occupied over the next few days.

Positive thoughts to keep me motivated: this time next week, I'll be waking up in Chicago. I'll be spending Friday with friends and Saturday with my bien-aimé. Since it will be a weekend without my bike and away from MyFitnessPal, I want to do as well as I can before I get there, to build up the motivation to stay focused even without my usual routines. And I want to feel my healthiest when I'm there!

What about you? What is your usual weekend routine? What are your plans for this weekend?

Patterns

2011-09-15T07:30:00.000-07:00

This week, I've been thinking a lot about the things I have eaten lately and have looked for patterns, things that keep coming up with my meal and snack habits so I can see if there are triggers there, beyond the emotional/stress-based ones. I have definitely made some notable discoveries.

Something I have a big problem with is nuts/nut butters. I had some single-serve/100-calorie packs of trail mix with peanuts, raisins, and chocolate chips. 100 calories of trail mix is not very much at all, and I'd end up eating two or three before I knew it. I also got into the habit of having a jar of peanut butter on hand while my dad was here in case he had any diabetic blood sugar emergencies, but by the end, it felt like I was using his need to excuse and enable myself. The cycle was tough: buy a jar, tell myself I won't have any this time, tell myself I can have just one spoonful as long as I have it with an apple, eat spoonful after spoonful when the stress kicks in, need to buy a new jar.

Nuts and nut butters are healthy within reason, but they're also very high in calories, and for now, I want to maximize my calories and feel in control with my eating. Even if there's a lot of protein, I am never satisfied by one serving. It just triggers me wanting more. I know some people swear by PB2, and I've gone to the website with the intent to order several times. But at the same time, I'm conflicted. I want to have a healthy relationship with food, and for now, I think that means complete nut butter abstinence. Some day, I might be able to have a jar of peanut butter in the house and have it last longer than a day. I might never be able to keep peanut butter around again. Either way, when focusing on my present struggles, I know they are off limits.

Somewhat related to nuts is bars like Larabars and Clif Bars. When I buy just one, I don't seem to have a problem, but I cannot seem to control myself when I buy a few at a time. I want to be able to keep them around for work snacks without having to go to the store every single night like I have done this week; I have Fridays off, so I think tomorrow I will head to Target in the morning, buy a box of Larabars, and immediately bring it to the office. There's always someone there, so I'm highly unlikely to binge at work. I just don't feel strong enough to keep them in the house right now.

I have made a goal this week of trying to eat as many whole foods as possible, to avoid packaged and processed meals and snacks. I've done pretty well so far with bringing fruit to the office and keeping a separate water bottle there so I can stay hydrated. My meals have been less than stellar - good on calories, but still to processed, as I am working through a big pile of Weight Watchers frozen meals that I got to keep myself fed while I figure out the grocery shopping situation around here. In Chicago, I'd go to the grocery store a few times a week for fresh produce and whatever odds and ends I needed; here, there are a few small grocery stores, but since I'm on the bike for now and the temperature is still in the mid to high 90ºs from mid-morning to the late evening, it's tough to figure out a good routine. I've been going either Friday or Saturday morning at 6:30 a.m. - the stores open early, and it's still in the 70º range, nice for biking with a bag full of groceries on your back. We'll see how I keep up.

I've also gone to the local farmer's market the past two Saturday mornings. It's very small, but there's a family there that sells local grapes. Oh. My. Goodness. So delicious! They're amazingly sweet and crisp. I got a couple of pounds and counted them out into little containers to keep in the fridge or take to work with me.

As long as I stick to them at the farmer's market and not the woman from the bakery with all her homemade breads, I'm good. (To be fair to the bread woman, though, it's been easy to resist her autumn varieties because it doesn't feel much like autumn around here just yet. I don't typically crave pumpkin-flavored things until I can regularly wear sweaters.)

So, I have a lot to think about in terms of my meal planning and getting entirely back into a healthy eating routine. I've been feeling a little under the weather all week, but the calories are still being burned and the motivation is back in full force. I'm really looking forward to Monday and the start of the new fall challenge - I'm getting back to basics with my goals, deciding on them this weekend.

What about you? Do you keep food journals for reasons other than counting calories - like to notice patterns, triggers, etc? What are your favorite healthy autumn foods? Will you be joining us in the fall challenge?

Jump

2011-09-14T07:30:00.000-07:00

I spent most of the late night/early morning between Monday morning to Tuesday morning feeling pretty nauseous. Awful headaches. Terrible lower back pain. And feeling quite stomack sick. Not sure if it was something in the smoothie Justin had made, or just my body transitioning back to healthy eating (with the exception of a Larabar after teaching and one daily salt-free rice cake when I get home from work, so far, I am eating exclusively fresh fruit and veggies for snacks - nothing packaged, nothing processed). Or just my body telling me to slow down a bit after overdoing everything for the past few weeks. Either way, though, it felt awful.

And so, I saw a huge jump in the scale between the two days. Like, seven pounds difference. I'm sure it will even itself out a little when I get back to actually eating (I picked at things here and there yesterday, enough to meet my calorie goal but no real meals, in a traditional sort of sense), but still, it was weird to wake up and see that low of a number.

It was a bit conflicting, because it made me happy to see the low number even though my body felt totally awful. Has this ever happened to you?

In unrelated news, I think I have a second friend! One of my office mates is not too much older than me, only maybe 10 years or so. And we talk a lot about eating healthy - she has thyroid issues so she tries to eat gluten free and with a few other restrictions. And yesterday we were talking and she said she takes a trip to the closest Whole Foods and Trader Joe's (about an hour away) every couple of weeks or so, and the next time she makes the trek, would I like to join? Very exciting stuff, indeed! Both the friend, and the good grocery shopping.

Comfort

2011-09-13T05:30:00.000-07:00

Last night, I roasted a chicken in exchange for my second driving lesson with Justin. Successes on two counts - the driving went really well, and the chicken came out perfectly.

We talked a lot, both during dinner and afterwards when he drove us to a neighboring town to go to the Super Target (our smaller local one didn't have fly paper, and there are two flies in his apartment that are driving him crazy).

The conversations were pretty heavy, mostly related to a story I promise to tell as soon as I find the most articulate way to write about it. Eventually, the discussion turned to my self-consciousness. I had told him a couple weeks ago about my weight loss, and he asks a lot of questions - nothing too prying, but mostly out of curiosity. He has seen the way I nervously eat when I'm in front of other people. He has seen and asked about my binge jar. And he saw my before picture on my fridge.

You're beautiful, you know. I know you're recovering from a time when you didn't believe it, but it's true.

And I bit my lip, said thank you, folded my arms, and kept walking through the store.

I'm just not used to hearing things like that.

We walked up one aisle and down the next, and found out the store didn't carry fly paper at all. There was a Wal-Mart next door, so we walked over, and kept talking.

One topic lead to another, and I told him all about Bobby. And I told him about the beginning of the summer with Matt, and the way everything unfolded with the California job offer, and the morning in the prairie. I told him, essentially, the story of my summer. And maybe it's because he's a counselor in the university's wellness center, but it felt good to have someone listen intently to me while I talk about what's been weighing so heavily on my heart.

That's quite a love story, he said. And I agreed.

He said, Well, I certainly believe in love at first sight, even love after four dates. And I agreed with that too.

Then he gave me a big hug in the parking lot of a Super Target in the middle of nowhere, central California. It felt so good to connect with someone. And I felt less alone.

He found his fly paper, and also got a blender, Greek yogurt, and frozen berries. I bought a TV and a little table to put it on, and we went back to my place for smoothies and an episode of "30 Rock," which he has never seen before. I hadn't planned on the smoothie (and I had already put in my food for the day on MyFitnessPal), but I'm okay with that. I can't plan every moment of my life, and I can't get upset or freak out when things don't go exactly as I anticipate. Part of living a healthy and balanced life is knowing when to get worked up over things. A half a cup-full of blended yogurt and cherries is not one of those cases.

I'm two days binge-free. I'm on top of my work. I have one friend. And I get to see my bien-aimé in ten days. Things are coming back together. I'm staying in control, focusing on one moment at a time. It all feels so good.

Mostly related, and certainly inspirational: a great quote from Dean Karnazes, an ultramarathoner.

"Most people never get there. They're afraid or unwilling to demand enough of themselves and take the easy road, the path of least resistance. But struggling and suffering, as I now saw it, were the essence of a life worth living. If you're not pushing yourself beyond the comfort zone, if you're not constantly demanding more from yourself - expanding and learning as you go - you're choosing a numb existence. You're denying yourself an extraordinary trip."

Day of rest

2011-09-12T05:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was absolutely wonderful. I usually feel that way on the days when I get back to feeling balanced with my food, water, and exercise; I always fall asleep wondering how I could get so far off track when doing the right thing feels so good.

I woke up late-ish - later than I get up during the week for work, but still before 8 a.m. - when I got a good morning text message from Bobby. We texted back and forth for a bit before he had to work, and I hopped on my bike to go to the grocery store and deposit my last paycheck from the article writing job. I got home, put a chicken in the oven, laced up my running shoes, and hit the streets.

I only did a mile and a quarter before it started to pour rain - but it was a 9:48 mile, and that felt good. If I was in Chicago, I would have spent the morning running my first half marathon - but I didn't let the what-might-have-been let me feel defeated. I'll run a half someday, for sure. My mind was distracted for a while, but my body still loves to run. I'll need to retrain my body for distances, but that's not a big deal - goodness knows I love a challenge.

The rain was a surprise, to tell the truth. It's been sunny and hot every day since I got here over three weeks ago, without a cloud in the sky. The woman at the leasing office said it hardly ever rains here, so when it happens, it takes you for a bit of a loop. It's weird because it rained so much in Chicago this summer, you'd think I'd be used to it. But I guess I've grown a little more accustomed to my small central California town than I thought.

I came home and ate my breakfast and thought about yesterday's freakout. What triggered it, and what has triggered everything lately. Weekends seem to be very tough for me - I can hold it together alright during the week, but days off cause me to panic. Last week? Four day weekend. The time off causes me to panic, I think, because I feel sort of trapped here. In Chicago, I could jump on the bus or the el and explore a little. There are a half dozen buses here, but they all go from one shopping plaza to the next, all of which are reachable on my bike. I have the means and the desire to explore what the area has to offer, but without a drivers license, I'm sort of stuck here.

I'm trying to meet people, really. The town I'm in is incredibly small, but I'm making efforts. I met a woman at the 5k I did a few weeks ago who is very well-connected around town, and I met up with her on Thursday night at a small market event downtown.

She introduced me to a ton of people - mostly middle-aged folks, which seems to be the town's major demographic. There's the university and the college kids, and then there are older people. Not too many folks my age - or so it seems. I'll find them.

I finished my breakfast, threw a load of laundry into the washer, and texted back and forth with Bobby while he was on his break from work. We made plans to video chat for a few hours later when he got off of work, and in the meantime, I picked the meat off the roasted chicken for a few days' lunches, talked to my dad on the phone for a bit, and cleared out my Google Reader.

Our video chat date was fantastic, per usual.

Laying there, making plans for when we're together in a week and a half (!!!), him reading to me from a book he keeps near his bed. *sigh* Just seeing and hearing him made me feel so happy, especially when we were talking about the excitement of being together again. It's as close to snuggling as we can get with 2134 miles between us, but for right now and for what it is, it's lovely.

He had to go have dinner with his family, so I hopped on my bike and headed to the university to get some work done for the week. The ride out was really warm, but it cooled down a lot on the ride back, and it felt great to have the wind in my face and the sun setting and everything feeling like it was going to be alright.

I had a giant salad for dinner, then spent the night hanging up laundry, washing dishes, and preparing some veggies for today's lunch. Low-key, but after my heavy Saturday, it was just what I needed.

I ate well, I stayed active, and I "spent time" with the ones I love. All in all, a good, healthy, balanced day. Now, to repeat this as often as I possibly can...

Wake up

2011-09-11T05:30:00.000-07:00

In the beginning of August, I got a message on Facebook from a former student.

Okay, so I have been totally inspired by you to run and get my butt back in shape! I was wondering if you had any music suggestions, because my ipod is full of non-motivating songs. Also, I plan on running the AIDS 5k on October 1st and I really cant run a 5k yet. Did you follow a running plan or something? I would appreciate your input!

I've received lots of comments and messages from people who were excited about the fact that I ran, but none asking for my advice on how to get started. Perhaps she wanted to reach out to me because I had been her teacher, but I saw it as someone reaching out to me because I had become an athlete, and it made me feel incredible.

She kept running, and on the day I left for California, she sent me another message.

I have been running consistently for about two weeks now and have mapped out a 5k route that I run/walk on. I just hope I can get to running the whole thing by October 1st [...] I will definitely update you on how it has been as I go along. I just hit my first milestone... I alternate running 1/4 of a mile at a 2.5 minute pace followed by walking 1/4 of a mile at 4.5 minute pace. I finish a 5k in 45 minutes this way... I was super proud of myself (although I always think I might puke lol). Maybe we could run together some time!

I was proud of her progress, though certainly sad to be losing yet another running partner. I had finally found a solid group of runners in Chicago and was really looking forward to the fall race season, to running the races that I was walking last year in XXL tech shirts. I told her I had moved, but still wanted to hear about how things were going with it all.

Im so excited for you and your new job!! You are an amazing teacher and I know they will love you. Let me know when you'll be back and maybe I will be in shape enough to run with you :)

And I moved. And I stopped running. And I got off track with my eating. And I lost my motivation, because I lost sight of the goals I set for myself when I first got started living healthier: to live with balance, to not be obsessed with positive or negative extremes, to properly nourish my body in every sense of the word.

My student messaged me again late last night.

So, I said I would update you about my running. I have lost motivation. I was trying to lose some weight, but over the last month of running three times per week... I have lost nothing. I was eating better and less, and still no weight loss Now, I don't want to do it at all and want to eat everything in sight. Did you encounter this? Not sure what to do

And you know, it feels one of those signs from the universe, things that come right at the precise moment to wake you up and show you what you need to do to get back on a healthy path.

Oh yes, I certainly understand! My honest belief all along is that I don't want exercise to be something I dread - it isn't something I do to punish my body, it's something I do to reward and nurture it. If I don't feel like going for a run one day, I don't do it. I always come back to it.

And I definitely understand waning motivation with weight loss. I have lost and gained the same 6-8 pounds for the past three months - which has been tough, considering I lost 100 lbs. in six months/150 in a year. Something I've learned is that the less you weigh, the harder it is to lose weight.

I then explained BMR and TDEE and what essentially needs to happen in order to lose weight. I explained how to cut calories on a healthy level, and why we need to eat some/all of our exercise calories. And I continued.

I hope this helps a little with the weight loss part - to be honest, writing this all out has been pretty helpful for me, for figuring out what I need to do to get back on track. I've been struggling since this summer - first I was worried about not finding work, then I was dealing with the stress of leaving my comfort zone and starting over somewhere new. Time to get back on track and stay focused on living my healthiest life possible.

Another thing to keep in mind about running, though - and about any physical movement, I think - is that it's not just about calorie burning. I didn't start running because I wanted a good workout, I started to run because I wanted to be fast, to move myself forward, to feel like an athlete. Even if the number on the scale doesn't move, I still want to keep running because I love the activity, not just what it does for me. Finding that passion, I think, is so crucial.

So, I say - keep your spirits up with it. Run a little less if you have to, eat a little more if you need to - but do what you have to in order to find a healthy balance for yourself and your body's needs. Listen to your body, first and foremost.

Cheering you on, always -

MG

Now, to take my own advice.

I had a very tough day yesterday, and I can't guarantee that it won't be the last of its kind, now or ever. That's life. I keep beating myself up for maintaining - the pressure of being the weight loss wunderkind for the first six to nine months of my journey had me believing myself to be failing, when what was actually happening was my body taking control of itself. I am clearly capable of losing weight. Right now, I need something consistent in my life, and this is what my body seems to have chosen. When things settle, the numbers will change. Until then, I just need to keep focused on living my healthiest life possible. Stay active. Eat well. Get upset within reason. Don't sweat the small stuff. Let go of stress over the things you can't control. And let go of the guilt already, for goodness sake.

why is day one so easy...

2011-09-10T16:30:00.000-07:00

... yet day two is so hard?

i lost 100 pounds in six months with no struggles, no binges, no problems. then another 50 pounds in another six months, with some tough times towards the end. the past two months, though, i've lost and gained the same six or eight pounds. i have been taking two steps forward and one step back for far too long. and i hate it.

well, that's not true.

i don't mind maintaining, per se. i'll be great at maintenance when the time comes. but the time isn't here yet. what i hate is feeling so overwhelmed that my old habits feel like my only options.

revelation: something that got me through the first six months was the mantra that

food is not my friend. my friends are my friends.

but now i'm alone and in california, and even though i'm not 345 pounds, i may as well be. cuz i'm sad and lonely and snacking on the couch, hoping to fall asleep and forget how much this all hurts.

i never believed myself to be a lady with regrets. i don't even regret weighing 345 pounds. because i learned from it all - these events and actions gave me character and made me compassionate. i became a fantastic person in spite of my size, in spite of my choices.

but i honestly regret moving to california.
i have a big apartment but no one to invite over. i have a great job but no one and nothing worth coming home to. i finally got the garmin forerunner i lusted over all summer but i never run anymore due to the heat. i make twice the money i made in chicago but all i can think about spending it on is the fastest way to get back to where my heart is.

the morning i left chicago, i got an email about a part-time job at one of the community colleges i had applied to. i forwarded the info to a friend, who contacted them and got the job immediately. now they're working on turning it into a full-time position. i'm so happy for her, but can't help but feel jealous and bitter. it should have been me.

and then earlier this week, i got a phone call about another teaching job i had applied to in the city. no thank you, i already accepted another position and relocated to california but what i'd really like to add is and fuck you for not calling three weeks ago. or three months ago when i applied for the goddamn job.

i haven't been able to shake the feeling that i made the wrong choice, so i've been eating myself numb to forget where i am and how unhappy i truly am. if i stayed in chicago, i'd be poor and exhausted. but i'd still be running. and i'd still have my friends. and i'd be with the boy i'm totally crazy about. it's hard to be in a long-distance relationship, but especially when there wasn't very much short-distance relationship to begin with.

earlier this week, we were texting, and he told me that the last time he came to visit me at my apartment in chicago, he wanted to sleep with me. i wanted to, too, but we were both too shy to make the moves. if we had slept together, i probably would have turned down the position in california. i honestly wouldn't have even interviewed. i'm not sure why that makes the difference, but thinking about it all week has been devastating.

i just can't shake the fish-out-of-water feeling lately. just shaking, convulsing even, and gasping for something to save my life. i can't focus on even one day at a time - even that feels like too much.

so, here you have it. the end. it isn't the lovely successful happily ever after i'd hoped to be writing, but it's what i need to do for myself right now, i think. i don't know how long of a break i need - i can't even say for sure that i won't be back in the morning. because to be honest, besides a small handful of people offline, the blog community is my only love and support in the world right now. for over a year, blogging has been enough.

but right now, i think i need help beyond what i can get through writing.

thank you - all of you - for your love and support. no man is an island, for sure. people need each other. today, tell someone you care about that you love them. and tell them tomorrow too.

Rewards

2011-09-10T07:30:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about how to regain my inspiration and motivation, and among other ideas, one thing I want to do is decide on rewards for reaching goals. I never had rewards in mind before - at first, the losses themselves were more than enough, and since I lived alone in Chicago, I generally bought myself the things I wanted and/or needed, so I couldn't think of material prizes. I live alone here, too, but so many of my things got left behind with the move. So now, I might pick out things to buy for myself/my apartment as I met my goals. I also want to have bigger rewards for bigger goals, something to really strive for.

The goals themselves need careful consideration too, I think. I don't want to just reward numeric losses - I want to celebrate non-scale victories and milestones in getting back in control over my eating disorder. Even though my weight has essentially been maintaining for the past couple of months, I just don't feel my healthiest.

Some major events I'd like to set rewards for:

One week binge-free
Two weeks binge-free
Three weeks binge-free
One month binge-free
Two months binge-free
Three months binge-free
Six months binge-free
Getting into the 180s
BMI dropping from obese to overweight (185 lbs.)
Getting into the 170s
Getting into the 160s
Getting into the 150s
BMI dropping from overweight to healthy (154 lbs.)
200 pounds lost (145 lbs.)
Reaching my long-term goal (135 lbs.)

The last two are somewhat tentative, as I'm not sure what my healthy goal weight is just yet - I'll know what feels right when I get there. I just know that where I am right now is *not* it, and that something's gotta give.

So, what to do for rewards? I think something I'd really like to do is day/weekend trips. There's an awful lot of California here for me to explore, so I'd like to do a little traveling to celebrate making progress towards getting healthier.

There's a small local airport that connects to Los Angeles, so I could do longer trips too if I have more time - I'll be testing it out for the first time in less than two weeks when I head back to Chicago, though just for a weekend. One day with friends in the city, one day with Bobby, a day and a half of just traveling. Not ideal, but it's what we have to work with right now. I want to stay focused, not just for the two weeks until then, and not just because of the trip. Of course, when I see him again, I want to feel as lovely as he thinks I am - but above all else, I miss feeling healthy.

What about you? Do you plan rewards for reaching goals? How do you pick them? What are they? (the goals, and the rewards!)

Roses and thorns

2011-09-09T05:30:00.000-07:00

I'm exhausted.

Honestly, this was a three-day work week and I was done with work by 1 p.m. most days, so I'm kind of surprised at how tired I am.

For the past year, I've been so thrilled at having become some sort of morning person - I used to sleep until noon and think nothing of it, but as I became more active and started properly nourishing my body, I fell asleep easier, slept more soundly, and had no trouble waking up.

Maybe that's why I'm so tired, then ... because I'm still dealing with a feeling of imbalance. I'm biking like crazy and running when I can, and I'm burning tons of calories - about 625 a day just from my commute to work, and that doesn't count errands like grocery shopping or going to the post office or exploring for fun.

So why am I posting a maintain again this week?

I biked nearly 150 miles this week. I should be losing something. But my eating is still off, and it's wasting my workouts. I had two back-to-back binges over the weekend as I tried to cope with feeling confused, overwhelmed, and stressed out about my evolving friendships. And therefore, the rest of the week was spent trying to get back down to a maintain. My exhaustion is certainly also due to the fact that I have been biking like crazy to try and undo all the bad food choices I have made.

I'm really getting sick of this, to be honest. I look alright, but I don't feel my best. I got to onederland exactly three months ago as of tomorrow, and now I'm only five pounds lighter. I don't like excuses, and I like them even less when they're coming from myself. Yes, I'm lonely. Yes, I'm stressed. Yes, I'm overwhelmed. But these are not problems that are solved by a binge - in fact, these problems seem to be exacerbated by overeating. I'm focusing on short-term relief instead of long-term repair, and I'm hurting myself more than helping myself.

I know I can do better, and I know what I need to do in order to do better. Now, it's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other. Getting back to what I know works for me.

Starting each day with a full bottle of water, even before I take my shower. I don't think I've been properly hydrating, and misinterpreting thirst as hunger has lead to some poor snacking choices.
Logging everything - and not eating anything after I've completed my day's entry. It's so motivational to see, numerically, what I am capable of...

... but unaccounted-for late night snacking is certainly affecting the actual results.
Cooking at least one new recipe a week. The act of cooking calms me, and the diversity helps me stay focused and on-plan. There's a microwave at the office but no fridge, so I've been eating when I get home from work - lately, cooking a Weight Watchers frozen dinner, dumping it over a bag of salad, and calling it lunch. Great in a pinch, but I definitely want to get away from processed foods again.
Eating mindfully. I've been eating dinner standing over the countertop - even if I ate at my desk, it would be better. I'd be sitting, and more able to focus on what I'm doing. I need to be more mindful about snacking, too - more fruits and veggies, and - again - less processed and packaged stuff.

I've done a lot of thinking this week about what I need to do in order to feel more balanced with my efforts, and goal setting is a big part of that. With the Winter challenge, I wanted to hit my 100 pound weight loss - and I did it. With the Spring challenge, I wanted to get to onederland - and I did it. I made an unofficial goal of losing twenty pounds by the time I ran the Chicago half marathon (so I'd be half my starting weight), but when I realized I wouldn't be in Chicago to run, I got even further off-track than I had been before. I need some deadlines, something to help me focus.

This weekend, I'm going to catch up on sleep, read for pleasure, and ride my bike less - my goal, then, also being to stay at a lower calorie intake and not eat all of my exercise calories. I've been excusing a lot of my eating with "...but I bike so much, I'll burn it off." So I want to take it easier, both with intake and output. Stay hydrated, stay in control.

And - I'm going to reread my blog archives. I need to be inspired, I need to find some of the motivation that helped me shed nearly half my body weight. I need to get back to my basics, I think. It isn't easy, but it's worth it - I'm worth it - and I absolutely cannot forget this.

What about you? What have you done this week that you're proud of? What do you do when you want to rediscover your motivation? How are you going to spend your weekend?

BTH: Week Ten

2011-09-08T05:30:00.001-07:00

Not to be forgotten, I finally give you my Beat the Heat Challenge wrap-up!

My positive picture for the week:

Riding on one of the bike paths near my apartment:

The scale may not be budging, but I haven't stopped moving. I've got the exercise down, now just need to get back in control of my eating. Pictures like this are super motivating - my arms are looking awfully nice, something I'm proud of. My nice arms are riding a bike, something I could not have done at 345 pounds. And these arms are riding a bike in California, somewhere I am because I have become bold and courageous and more self-confident as I have become healthier. I have an awful lot to celebrate beyond the number on the scale.

My challenge wrap-up:

The eighth principle for the challenge was start something. And this week, I really feel like I made that happen.

I biked at least 8 miles every day (at least 10 on the days when I worked, and at least 15 on the weekend). So I'm starting to find healthy routines here in my new city.
I had my first driving lesson! A few laps around the apartment complex parking lot, learning which one is the accelerator and which is the brake. So I am starting to take steps towards conquering fears and being able to expand my world a little bit.
I did some deep thinking and made some big decisions about my relationships and the direction in which I want to be taking them. So I'm starting a new phase of my adult life, with some friendships in repair and without others at all. It's a little terrifying, to be honest, but the saying goes that when you're scared, that's how you know you're on to something big.

In previous challenges, I've had very specific goals, and it felt so good to meet them - especially weight loss related ones. I need a fall challenge so I can get back to that kind of goal setting, but I'm very pleased with how my BTH emotional weight loss challenge went. I can't say I have a single regret about the summer.

As far as my summer bucket list ... a lot of these things got pushed aside for bigger priorities. But technically, summer isn't over yet. Sixteen more days to work on my goals. I had made seven and have already finished two. I decided to let one go (the Ironman, after hurting my knee swimming), and I won't be back in Chicago in time to walk to Devon Avenue with Lorelei. That leaves writing ten letters, finishing one painting, and running a sub-30 5k. I'm going to do two of these - mark my words!

What about you? How are you feeling about your summer goals? Know of any good fall challenges coming up?

Depression, part three

2011-09-07T05:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, on my way home from work, I looked down at my wrist. I wasn't expecting to get paid until October but got a two-week paycheck a few days ago for my work in August, so I took part of my last paycheck from this summer's article writing job and splurged on a treat for myself, a reward for surviving the summer:

And yesterday, I wore it when I rode to and from the university.

I was cruising down a hill, going as fast as I could - it was over 100º out, so the breeze blowing on my face felt incredible. Looking at the Garmin, I clocked in at 20.2 mph. That's as fast as a car can go, and my legs, with the help of the sloping hill and a little physics, were moving me at that speed.

I thought about one morning when I was an undergrad; I was up very early, unable to sleep, so I went for a walk around the campus. There was a speed detector that the police set up on the side of a road, and it managed to mark my pace:

I took a picture and sent it to friends, joking that it captured my speed because I was as big as a car; they laughed and likely thought nothing of it. I was laughing, but as a means of hiding my deep sadness and discontent with my life. Yes, I accomplished a lot of wonderful things as a super obese person. A lot of people loved me and were proud of me regardless of my physical condition, but the problem was that *I* didn't love me. I wasn't proud of what I was doing, because I knew that it wasn't all I was capable of. I needed to invest not only in my mind, but in my physical self, to nurture my self-confidence and self-esteem with healthy eating and an active lifestyle.

Coasting down the hill yesterday, there was an incredible feeling of lightness that washed over me. I was never as big as a car, but now, I'm as fast as one. With my fingers clutching the handlebars and my feet on the pedals, I control where I go, if I stop or detour, and how fast I get to wherever I'm headed. Hurtling towards home, it felt like cruising towards my goals - I'll get to where I want to be, and in the meantime, I'll try to enjoy the sun on my face and the breeze in my hair.

In the past few months, I've struggled intensely; the past three weeks or so have certainly been the worst. I'm not at my goal weight - in fact, I've lost and gained the same five pounds for nearly three months. I've been doing well with biking a lot but I've been struggling with my eating again since this weekend. My relationships are all in a period of transition right now. I'm stressed beyond measure and feeling very unsure about my new life - the one in California, yes, but also, the one in this new version of my body. It's all very overwhelming, and they're certainly major causes/side effects of my current situational depression.

But that's the thing - this depression is exactly that ... situational. It's normal to be upset because things aren't going well. It's normal to feel stressed and angry and anxious because you've sacrificed every constant and every comfort in your life in the past year in pursuit of a healthier future, or because you've been unemployed all summer and things don't seem to be looking up, or because the people you love more than anything decide to cut you off entirely for seemingly no reason at all.

Now it's up to me to figure out how to cope with the situations - how to treat them in the moment so that I can survive them and come out better on the other side. It may mean not weighing for a while, or it may mean recording my weight daily again. It may mean completely rebooting my relationships, or it may mean ending them completely. It could mean any of a number of things, I need to sit down quietly with myself and really figure out the next step. Ultimately, though, the decisions will be my own, and that's the strongest defense I have over my depression: when I'm feeling in control, that's how I know I'm back on the winning side of the fight.

Depression, part two

2011-09-06T05:30:00.000-07:00

I started keeping paper diaries the summer after my emergency transport, and I easily filled one five subject notebook after another with my thoughts. Rereading them, it's hard to relive some of the moments. There are events with people I am no longer friends with, memories with people I wish I were close to still. It's an interesting insight into the mind of the girl I used to be.

May 13, 2009: What do I want? ... I want to get to a point where I don't consider suicide my only option (right now I wouldn't say that I am "suicidal" as that seems impending - right now - and for a few years now - I've decided that suicide is my only long-term possibility, since I don't want to grow old and alone in this burden of a body).

It's remarkable how many times I use the word "alone" in my journal entries. I felt so alone all the time, even though I was surrounded by good friends and a loving family. I never said I want to be healthy. I never said I want to look and feel good. I wanted to lose weight so I wouldn't be alone.

When I started to lose weight, it was like I found the purpose I had been seeking for so long. I stopped sitting on the couch binge eating and started going out and being active, and as my body stayed in motion, so did my mind. I didn't have time to get depressed, and honestly, I didn't have any reason to either. Life had become fantastic. I finally felt like part of something - I was someone who wanted to live, and I surrounded myself with like-minded people in order to soak up as much of their positive energy as possible. I hadn't had a dark thought in nearly a year, and it was so relieving. Even better than the feeling of the physical weight loss was the feeling of emotional lightness, like I had been cured of my depression thanks to an overall sense of balance in my life.

Something to keep in mind: no success on this journey, no matter how terrific it feels, is a cure. My weight loss has me in remission from being super obese, but that doesn't mean I'll never be 345 pounds again, or higher even. Statistically, I'm not destined to succeed long term. And I've been wondering if the same is true for my depression. If I've really been freed from the emotional weight or if I've just put a bandage over it. If I've been treating my weight thinking it was the disease when really, it was a side effect.

Because to tell the truth, I have lost over 150 pounds, and I have never felt so alone in my entire life. And I don't mean just lately, with the move and all. I've been dealing with this all summer, the dark truth behind my stalled weight loss and lack of motivation.

In the past year, I've lost more weight than I initially intended to keep - a whole person's worth of weight taken off of my body because I chose to eat better, eat less, and move more. And I've thought a lot about that weight in terms of human life. What part of me have I lost? What if the fat cells were also where I stored my relationships? My compassion? My friendliness? My devotion?

Over the course of this summer, I was called a bad sister and daughter by my mother. This weekend, I had several friends tell me I've changed and am, essentially, a bad friend now. These have all been surprises to me, as I thought I'd been doing the right thing all along. I wanted to lose weight so I could live and enjoy my life with them all in it, but I can't help but feel lately like I made the wrong decision. What if the success of my relationships was dependent on my obesity? Does it matter that a healthy mind and body are what I believe that I want, or are my personal desires unimportant since the decision isn't actually my own - is my fate to be big and happy with everything except my body?

I wonder what my life would be like if I had never lost the weight. If I would be working - if I would be in California. If my mother would be talking to me. If my parents would still be happy together. If my relationships with my friends from college would be thriving. If I would have tried to go on dates. If I would be happy.

I used to be happy sometimes - I wasn't content with my body and it caused me a lot of physical and emotional pain, but I had my friends and family to make the rest of my life more satisfying. I'd say I'm the same level of content with my life now, though - more happy with my physical self, but the cost of my committment to healthy living was paid for with my relationships. I honestly can't say that I'm entirely sure it's been worth it, and if I would have chosen to lose weight if I knew this was the way things would end up.

I wanted to feel healthy and happy, complete and satisfied. But this weekend, I was just feeling very numb.

Tomorrow: part three - coming back to life, and defining healthy relationships.

Depression, part one

2011-09-05T05:30:00.000-07:00

I have a little laminated piece of paper that I keep in or on my desk - it's a hospital bracelet from my freshman year of college, and when times get tough, it moves from a drawer to somewhere more prominently displayed so I can be more mindful of it.

When I went to college, I decided not to go to UConn like the majority of my graduating class, but a smaller university where I could try and meet new people. I loved my solid group of friends, but I also wanted to expand my horizons, and I knew that if I went to UConn, I'd just cling to them and not make any attempts to branch out.

At my university, I met a lot of people right away, and things seemed to be fine. But these people were incredibly different from the friends I had grown up with - we had a lot of different values and interests, and it was very tough for me to adjust to that social circle. That, paired with the stress of being an honors student trying desperately to keep up a high GPA, was overwhelming, and towards the end of my fall semester, a deep depression set in.

I was not a stranger to dark feelings - I had been very depressed in high school, too, but managed to keep it under control since I had such strong support in my life. It was easy to overlook the bigger issues when there were good people to help pass the time with. But in college, I felt alone with the people who were contributing to my anxieties, and it didn't seem like there was any way out.

My depression manifested itself in a number of ways. Initially, I would binge eat in order to attain a level of numbness. Eventually, though, the numbness was there whether I ate or not. I cut myself all over my arms, hoping to feel anything; I just wanted to make sure I could still feel. The bleeding was minimal, but the release felt good - I had been hurting inside, and now I was hurting outside, too. And hurting isn't numbness.

These feelings came to a high point (or a low one, as it were) one weekend, and when I returned to campus after a weekend home, my roommate was waiting with some of the housing staff to talk to me. A few questions and a look at my arms later, and I was being helped into the back of an ambulance and transported to the local hospital. The whole time, I was worried that they wouldn't be able to lift the gurney because I weighed so much.

There were a few tests to make sure I hadn't taken any pills or poisoned myself, and then I was sedated. I remember that night perfectly - I was in the psych ward, and there were people around me that I decided were "legitimately crazy" ... I was sad, but I didn't belong there. I couldn't sleep, and I still felt really depressed but couldn't move. So I laid there, singing "This Place is a Prison" by the Postal Service. To this day, I can't listen to their "Give Up" album without being overwhelmed with memories of that dark time.

The next morning, I called my dad and had him pick me up. He gave me a hug when he saw me in the hospital bed and cried a little; it was the first time I'd seen him cry since my uncle's funeral when I was ten years old. He brought me home, and I had to stay there until I saw a psychiatrist and was cleared for return to campus.

I went to therapy for a while and was given antidepressant medication, but eventually stopped both. The meds bothered me - I wasn't suicidal anymore, but in situations where you're supposed to be sad, I just felt neutral. In the back of my mind, I knew I wanted to be upset about whatever the issue was, but I couldn't bring myself to cry or feel anything. I wanted to be able to control my feelings - to be happy as often as possible, and to be able to deal with sadness as it occurred.

I figured out a system that worked for me and I was able to keep my depression in check for a long time: I would get sad sometimes, but I always found a way to balance it all out - with a phone call to my family, an online chat with my friends, or with going out with any combination of the two. I was no longer actively thinking about ending my life, but the option also wasn't completely off the table for me.

Tomorrow: part two - being passively suicidal, and how weight loss has affected my depression.

Eggplant mushroom sausage ravioli

2011-09-04T05:30:00.000-07:00

Okay, so this week's recipe isn't entirely new. But the filling is! I made ravioli before, when Lorelei and I were getting ready for the Shamrock Shuffle back in April. Those were eggplant and goat cheese filled.

These today? Better.

The filling was one medium eggplant, roasted and scraped out from the skin. Add that to a sautéed mixture of six ounces of browned hot Italian sausage (if I could find turkey sausage out here, I'd use it - had to use pork this time) and eight ounces of finely chopped portabella mushrooms, stir to combine, and let cool enough to work with easily. Fill the ravioli, then place them on a cookie sheet and flash freeze them. Put them in plastic bags in individual servings for quick lunches or dinners - when you cook them, they'll take 4-5 minutes in boiling water, or until they float to the top.

I put the recipe into MyFitnessPal - my batch made 33 ravioli, so they worked out to about 65 calories per raviolo. (Did you know that was the singular of ravioli? I miss taking Italian.) Totally delicious. A bit time consuming, yes, but worth it.

The reason I made them on Saturday is because I am having dinner with one of my new California friends on Monday. His name is Justin, and he not only works at the university, but lives in my apartment complex. We met shortly after I moved in - he was in the pool with a couple of his co-workers (Adam and Menal) and I was in the hot tub with my dad. We got in the pool to cool off while they went in the tub to warm up; when we got out of the pool, they said we could join them in the hot tub if we wanted. We got to talking, and that's when I found out they all worked at the university.

A couple of days later, I was in the hot tub again when Justin came over and sat down alongside. He was doing laundry in the office nearby and saw me so he came over to ask how things were going. He said everyone was getting together for dinner at Adam's the Wednesday that week if I'd like to join them. I said sure, and he asked for my number to let me know when we'd be meeting up.

The day before our group dinner, though, he texted me and asked if I wanted to go swimming that night. I said sure, and we hung out for a little while, drinking beers and talking in the hot tub. Somehow it came up that I don't know how to drive, and he said he'd teach me. He asked what a good payment would be, and I said I'm a pretty good cook. He seemed pleased, so I will be cooking for him - one dinner per driving lesson. Sounds fair to me - I love cooking for people, and as much as I love biking, I definitely need to learn how to drive.

So lesson one's meal will be funded by homemade ravioli. Hopefully he likes them so I can continue to learn how to drive for far less than a driving school would charge - not to mention the spared embarrassment of having to sit with a bunch of teenagers and learn about street signs.

What about you? What's your favorite ravioli filling? How old were you when you learned how to drive?