May 17, 2016

The first day of my life

Well, here it is.


A year ago, my husband spent the day with his friends and his son, ran a few last minute errands. He rented a car, packed it full of his belongings, kissed our son goodnight, and tearfully said goodbye to me before he drove off into the night, heading back north to Chicago.

The poem I wrote that night:


I didn't cry that night, or the next morning. It took a while for me to feel anything other than relief, to be honest. I don't know if I've missed him at all since he's left - him specifically, that is, or if I have just missed company, adult conversation, and an extra set of hands to help with raising a child.

It's been a year, but it felt like a decade. I feel like I've aged a lot more than just a few hundred days. I feel more mature in a lot of ways, and I feel very strong - I've had so much thrown at me this year, I feel ready to handle nearly anything. But I also feel weak, and I feel afraid, and I feel very anxious about what happens now: the closure, and the resolutions to come.

I feel very different from the person I was five years ago, before I met him. It was such a brilliant time in my life - I was the healthiest I'd ever been, and my confidence was through the roof. I looked good, I felt great. I was on top of the world. And then I met Matthew, and I knew immediately he was wrong for me, but still, I felt drawn to him. I loved him so much, and that's the most painful part of looking back: seeing all that love, and finally realizing how one-sided it was. And now, the consequences: responsibilities, of course, but also - the anxieties and scars I'll need to explain to any future partners. I'm worried about letting anyone get close - if something wrong could hurt this much, imagine the recovery from something that felt right! And I worry that I'll never trust anyone again. He hurt me so much, I begged him to stop, I asked him why he would keep doing things after I told him how much pain it caused me. He never had answers, and the apologies were unbelievable since they weren't accompanied by plans to do things any differently.

I hope it'll be a lot easier to explain to someone when they're actually scars. Right now, even a year removed, it's still very much an open wound.

I've done a lot of processing lately on why I stayed with (and why I came back to) someone so completely wrong for me, and even though it doesn't change everything from the last five years, it's helping me get on a better path with a clearer vision for the future.

No more selling myself short.

No more settling.

I didn't make my weight loss goal of being at or under 299 by today. I held myself together while he was in town, then had a string of very difficult days in a row once he left - he got back to Chicago and started calling, demanding, arguing. Lots of stuff related to the impending divorce, and it triggered me. I'm down from where I was a year ago when he left, though, which is what matters most to me. That after a year on my own, even with a few very difficult months and a large regain, I managed to pull myself together, dust myself off, and get back on the path to my healthiest self.