May 11, 2016

Next steps

At the end of April, I made my new calendar for the next month. I did so well in January, was up and down and struggled a lot through February, did more of the same in March, and then brought it back to kick some serious butt in April.

The progress isn't as linear as I think we always expect (or at least hope) it will be. Looking at overall loss, I am down for the year.

But monthly...

And weekly...

You see the struggles and the hard parts a bit more clearly.

My goals for May are mostly simple: stay hydrated, stay active, and hopefully be at 299 by the one-year anniversary of being on my own again. I've got some longer-term goals for the summer, too, but not too many that are fitness-specific - more general wellness. Things like not staying up too late, exploring the area on the weekends with my son, reading at least five books, and studying for the GRE so I can apply to PhD programs this fall (more on that another day).

So far this month has been so-so. I finished finals and turned in my grades relatively stress-free, which was a huge relief. In terms of personal life, this was absolutely the hardest year of my life, and I am proud of my professional successes in spite of all the struggles. After I turned my grades in I rushed home, tidied up, and picked up my mother-in-law at the airport. She was here for a long weekend, along with two of her sons, including my soon-to-be ex-husband.

I was very worried about having them in town for my son's birthday, and now that it has come and gone, I am very relieved. It is always really lovely to spend time with my MIL, she is an absolute sweetheart and one of the best things to come from my relationship with her son. But my husband and I fought a lot about divorce stuff, and even just having him around made me incredibly stressed. We just need to agree about custody/visitation stuff, then the lawyers can turn in the paperwork and it's all done. But he's being really unnecessarily argumentative about things, being selfish and thinking about himself and not our son, and it's so hard to remain calm and collected while trying to reason with him. I don't want to air our dirty laundry here - partly because he can't defend himself, partly because it's nobody's business, and mostly because I've been talking about it with my family so much. I'm ready to just be quiet for a while and let him go back to being out of sight and out of mind for another six months.

I didn't make it to the gym like I wanted to while they were here. And I deeeeeefinitely didn't hydrate as much as I usually do. But I made great food choices considering my MIL refused to let me cook anything. I ordered from the lower calorie menu options whenever it was an option, salad if there wasn't any calorie info, and a few times I just skipped the meal to eat at home (and I brought my own lunch out once!).

Overall, I think it went well. My husband is my biggest trigger, so being able to avoid a binge while he was here is a huge victory. But I feel gross and bloated even with the "better" choices, so I am staying off the scale until my Friday weigh-in, to try and get more water in me and get back to the gym and sweat out the sodium and laziness.

I loved having my MIL here, and it was fun celebrating my sweet boy's 3rd birthday. But I'm ready for a few months of figuring out what my next steps are (both personally and professionally), getting ready for fall courses, and working on being my healthiest self (both physically and mentally).