March 4, 2016

Wrap-up: February

I was so tired this week, I went to bed when Noah did (around 7:30 p.m.) several times. Nerves and anticipation of my family getting here had me all worked up. It was nice, I definitely needed the sleep.

I'm down one more pound this week, to 312. It's a significant milestone, for a few reasons. First, because I was 332 on Jan. 1, so this means I'm down 20 so far for the year. (And down 33 from my highest - the same as a cinder block!) Also, I was 312 on May 15 last year (the day my husband left), so I've undone the regain that came with months of deep depression and trying to soothe very big hurts with food. Yes, it's backtracking, it's cleaning up after a regain, but I'm past caring about that - right now, to not only be on this side of that number but to be infinitely happier and healthier than I was then and for the months after ... it feels good to be out of that hole.

It feels slow sometimes, and February was a difficult month of big ups and big downs - seriously.

But it's nice to look at the bigger picture here and realize that overall, I'm doing well. After two months, I'm down 20 pounds. At that pace, I'd lose 120 pounds at the end of a year - doesn't seem slow or small then!

I didn't do much this week for activity - I spent my days off cleaning/tidying up to get ready for guests, in meetings, and taking Noah to a play date with a friend. I'm not going to set a specific goal for next week with my family here, but I would like to at least be more active than I was this week (anything is more than 0!).

I'm not nervous at all about eating with them here. My goal is to maintain or lose, and I'm going to stick to salads and healthier options when we're out. There will be plenty of treats while they're here, but I was thinking about it, and they're not really treats to me - I live here, I can have them whenever. So I'd rather work towards my goal of getting out of the 300s for good than eat entirely off-plan. I can still enjoy the experience and enjoy the time with them without overindulging.

My February goals were hit or miss - water is still the easiest, and activity is still a challenge. The hardest one this month was the binge-free streaks. I managed two 5-day streaks, but the other days ... even if it wasn't a full binge, it was still overeating, and I didn't feel good about it. I wanted to hit my 96 oz. water goal every day (with 128 oz. at least 9 times) - I managed 19 times at 128 oz. and the other 10 at 96 oz.! I was active 13 times - between rainy days and general busy-ness, I took a lot of days to just rest. I needed it - I'm ready, though, to attack March.

This is going to be an interesting month - lots of good potential. Right after Spring Break, I am going to start working with one of my former students, who is taking a personal training course. I will be her client, and she'll train me. I know the last time I volunteered, it was a lot of weight lifting - which I don't mind so much, I just never did much because I didn't know what to do on my own and didn't want to risk injury. Last time, we set mini goals for the end of the training session - one of mine then was to hold a 1 minute plank, and I did it, plus some. This time, I don't know what to do. I'm 20 or so pounds heavier than I was the last time I volunteered, which I'm a little embarrassed about, but at the same time - it's been a busy year and a half between now and then. I'm doing the best I can, given my circumstances, and I'm on the right track.

Maybe my goal will be to run a mile. Maybe now I'll start to think about that resolution I made, to rediscover my old passions.

We'll see.

I doubt I'll have time/energy to blog while they're here, so I'm going to be more diligent about posting to Instagram for accountability.

February 29, 2016

Real life is for March

There's a great episode of "30 Rock" where they celebrate Leap Day, kind of like St. Patrick's Day, mixed with all sorts of odd American holiday habits. There's a Leap Day movie marathon, and everyone keeps quoting a line from the movie: "Real life is for March." Leap Day is an extra day to do what you like, to do something out of the ordinary.

Today, though, I'm trying to stay as ordinary - or at least as on-plan - as possible.

Last October, the President of the University announced we would not be getting raises because student retention goals hadn't been met - a lousy explanation at best, because our classes have never been bigger than they are right now. Then a few months later, the Trustees approved $38 million to expand the size of the football stadium and $400,000 for faculty/staff raises. This was early December; they said we'd find out how much in late February.

So much anticipation! And then ... nothing.

Long story short, I didn't get one. At the University where I am working now, raises are compression-based, which is a frustrating system. And I guess it just wasn't my turn this time around.

I am lucky to have a job, especially full-time - in my field, they're not easy to come by. But with all my current circumstances, I'm living paycheck to paycheck, and I'd hoped for a little something to ease some of the burden (and to help with my resolution of getting my credit card paid off).

So I'm a crabby today, and I'm trying to contain it. There's a box of donuts in the break room - donut holes actually, and there's almost no one here this early. I could eat five, or a dozen, or take the whole box back to my office and no one would know.


But that doesn't get me closer to any of my goals. It doesn't solve any of my problems.

I'm drinking my water, eating my yogurt, and trying to focus on positives. I have a job. I didn't get a raise, but I have enough to pay my bills and keep a roof over our heads and keep my son and I well fed. There isn't extra, but there's enough, and that's all we need. Everything will work out in the end.

February has been such a challenge, and I want to close the door on it tonight with a positive feeling overall!