December 23, 2016

Perfect and imperfect

On Sunday, we woke up, had a nice breakfast, and did a few chores around the house. We went to the grocery store, then came home and put the groceries away before heading to a state park - we'd gone to two near Charleston on Saturday, which was a long drive, so this time, we went to one near home that we'd visited before. It wasn't about sightseeing this time, just some good exercise and fresh air.

We didn't take the camera with us, just our hiking pack, and we hiked a different trail than we'd done the first time we were there. We packed a picnic lunch which we ate by the beach when we were done, then we checked out the gift shop where we got a souvenir pressed penny (and Noah got some ice cream).

We went home, showered off the bug spray, dressed nicely, and headed to the University where I work for a local ballet company's presentation of "The Nutcracker." We'd seen a billboard for it driving back from Charleston, and since I got a faculty discount, the tickets were very reasonable.

The ballet was so beautifully done - but to tell the truth, I watched him as much as I watched the dancing. It's so wonderful to look at him when he doesn't know you're looking at him - to just casually observe his little mind taking everything in.

In the middle of the second act, I started crying a little. He was so excited - the Russian Candy Cane dance was uptempo and exciting, and Mother Ginger came out with her dress full of little ballerinas - and my eyes just watered up.

We did errands, we went hiking, and we went to the ballet - all in one day.

We had a really rough year and a half during the divorce process - but now, things are different. I'm less anxious, less worried about finances. I can breathe a little - no, a lot better. And we're making this a really wonderful little life together.

I get sad a lot, thinking about when I was a kid, and what I'd wanted my adult life to look like. I didn't want to have kids before I was married - and when I had them, I wanted a few. I wanted to marry someone who loved me, someone who chose me for the right reasons, someone who wanted to be with me forever, and who fought to make that reality. I wanted to be happy, and that's how Little Me imagined it.

My life doesn't look like that - it's nothing like I ever could have pictured - but I think Little Me would still like how it's turned out. I'm happy - really, really happy - and my son is, too. He's my best little buddy, my co-pilot adventurer. And the life we're living right now is perfect and imperfect and everything in between most days, but we've fought for it and it's ours.

I've been sick all week, and he's been so good - he even slept in his own bed for the first time in longer than I can remember! I'm doing the best I can to make sure I am as back-to-normal as possible before we head out to our cabin.

I'm so, so excited for Christmas with my little one - for being active, for having an adventure, for spending a holiday being present with one another and not just focusing on material things. It's going to be really special, I just know it!

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