July 1, 2016

July, July!

Does anyone else have a month that is just historically terribly difficult for them? I don't think I realized it until this year, but June is that month for me. Lots of painful anniversaries ... the end of relationships, the beginning of relationships that would eventually also fail, lost family members ... it's just not an easy month to get through.

I started June with the first monthly net gain I've seen all year - 304 on May 1, 309 on June 1. And I didn't stop there. I spent the first two weeks of June binge eating myself sick, trying to hide from feelings and smother them with ice cream and calorie comas. I stopped going to the gym, and just stayed home, eating myself sick and crying for the majority of the day.

I got up to 314 and felt my clothes tightening up again, looked at myself in the mirror, and said "this won't get better until you do." And the next morning, I made a healthy breakfast, drank only water, and took my son to walk at the park.

I got very lucky also, that shortly after that snap-out-of-it moment, I heard from the department admin at work that my summer class was approved, despite the low enrollment. It got me out of the house, got me back into a good routine, and picked up my spirits a lot. The group I am working with is very small (only three students - I am amazed the class was approved), and they're all hardworking honor students. It's refreshing to work with kids who are focused and self-motivated.

I've been going to the gym with a colleague, and that has been very helpful - having accountability partners is so, so critical, and it's the biggest thing that I have missed since moving here.

I've been better about following a good eating plan, too - having healthy meals but not getting obsessive/restrictive to the point of being triggered to binge again. I had a lot of ice cream left after my week-long ice cream binge, and I measured out servings and ate a little every day - enough to be a treat without overdoing it. And I got down to 300 pounds even.

The last week or so, I've been up and down. 300. 301. 300. 302. 301. 300. 301. 303 today, July 1. I'm trying to see it as progress and not beat myself up about the fact that someone my size who works out as much as I do should be well into the 200s by now. But this has been my 2016 pattern - a good month, then struggle, a good month, then struggle. I'm working on figuring out what triggers the struggles so I can reign them in and make consistent progress. I'm tired of my own excuses. I'm tired of not making healthy choices consistently.

I ran into one of my trainers from last semester, Dana, at the gym. She said she was proud of me for keeping up with workouts, and that I looked smaller still. I disagreed, said I'd been struggling. She told me to find the papers with my measurements and check - and to text her whenever I felt like a binge, that she was going to support me no matter what. That felt great to hear.

(Also great: my other trainer, David, is on the University baseball team, and they just won the College World Series! So it's been an exciting week on campus. Very proud of him! And so cool to see him on TV!)

I've got good goals for July, and also a lot of worry. My summer class ends in late July, and the next day, we'll be heading north to visit my family. And traditionally, that's a challenge for me. I overeat, I eat unhealthy food, I don't exercise, I stay up too late trying to maximize my time with them ... it's a recipe for disaster on the scale. So my goal is to have a very focused beginning of the month - make a good amount of progress and build up that motivation to keep me going once we're in Connecticut. While there, drinking only water will help a lot. And my sister has a Planet Fitness membership, so we can go exercise together. (And if she bails on me, I found a little gym nearby that I will see about getting a short-term pass to use.)

Another big goal for the month, and this one's a real challenge:

With all the difficult memories of early June, I spent a lot of time sitting around, feeling depressed. And especially the relationship memories - that quickly turns to negative self-talk. I met Matt five years ago in early June, and that hit me harder than I thought it would ... "you should have..." "you shouldn't have..." "you would have been better off if..." all running through my mind.

I'm making July better - and my entire life, too. I can't change the fact that I have made some bad decisions, but I can look at the silver linings and move forward. It's hard! But I am very hopeful that things have to get better from here.

What about you? How was June? What are your goals for July?


Unknown said...

"I'm tired of my own excuses". I love that, I'm feeling that right now myself. I know the things I have to do to start losing weight, but I have way too many excuses. And I'm tired of complaining to myself.

Debby said...

I think it's great that you're trying to find out the cause or trigger of the struggles to stop it. Too many people I think can say oh well this is where I tripped up, but don't stop to think what they tripped on.
To answer your questions, I have definitely stalled with losing weight and exercising. I was doing great with the exercising portion and then I found a bedbug crawling on me in the middle of the night. We got treated and it appears it was just a hitchhiker (probably from work) but there was a tremendous amount of stress from that and I slept like crap. Additionally my good, supportive bra was wrapped up in a bag needing to be washed. I did do a few more workouts, but I definitely slagged. My goals for July are to start getting more movement in! I got a fancy new Fitbit Alta for free since my Charge was coming apart and I need to have fun with it! I'm also going to Nevada and would like to walk a mountain trail or something like that.

Wow, this was long. Ha, sorry!