July 6, 2016

Float on

So, this happened the other day.

The Fourth of July - "let freedom ring," I posted. It's exciting, and scary. Maybe not scary, but it makes me nervous still. Nervous, because I've been much higher, and much lower, and yet here I am. And because I've been here before, proclaiming "never again." But exciting, because it's progress, and because seeing the century change is a *huge* motivator.

Saying goodbye to the 3 is a big deal, even if it's happened before.

I'm still too close to 3 for comfort, and especially knowing I've got my period *and* my trip to Connecticut coming up, I've got my work cut out for me. I'm smarter this time around, I hope - I know to adjust my expectations, focus on progress over perfection, and don't go to extremes and trigger a binge. Keep tracking, keep moving, keep focused.

I'm making slow progress, but I'm making progress. The first time around, I lost 100 pounds in 6 months. This time? "Only" 33 in the same time. That's hard to face sometimes ... until I step back and recognize: yes, I lost it fast, but it also all came back. This time, I am hoping that slow and steady is the key to long-term sustainability.

I'm not posting as much here lately, mainly because I don't have much to say. I eat pretty plainly, I work out most days, I plug along. There isn't too much reflection like there was the first time, not because there aren't feelings and thoughts to be harvested still, but mainly because I am trying not to dig too deep. I can't afford therapy, and I have no one else really to talk to. I write in my paper journal, I cry at night or when Noah is at school. But I am trying to be as strong and brave as possible the rest of the time. He needs me to be strong - and I need him to be a little kid. I had a breakdown a few weeks ago and he was rubbing my back, telling me it was going to be okay, and saying "Mama, no more tears, alright? Everything is going to be okay." So sweet, but it's not the job of the three-year-old to worry about me like that.

The other day, we were wresting around and he accidentally knocked my glasses off my face.

"Time out, buddy, I can't let my glasses get hurt."

"Why, Mama?"

"If I don't have my glasses, I can't see. And we can't drive, we can't go anywhere, and I can't do any work."

And a few hours later, snuggled up for bed, he rolls over and whispers to me,

"Mama, if you ever lost your glasses, I would find them for you."

I've done so, so many things, made so many terrible decisions. But Noah has always been my greatest accomplishment. I am so, so grateful for this incredible love.


Jen said...

You got this! :) We all go up and down. Keep on pushing on and progress will happen. Make good choices when you travel and keep up the water intake :) Your son sounds like such a doll. What a sweet little man.

Running Meg said...

Wow, got something in my eye here...

You are wonderful and you truly are raising a great kiddo. Good for you.

Congrats on the loss!

Michele said...

Congratulations! Wonderful news. Keep it up and stay strong.