January 16, 2016

51 percent happy

It's really easy to be seduced by quick fixes, to want to believe that results come from anything other than sweat equity. In my life, I have tried so many horrible ways to lose weight (take this pill! drink this shake! cereal only for two meals! eat only eggs! drink only juice!) - and while the numbers drop quickly, they also rebound just as fast when I realize after a day or two that I can't do this forever.

Which is why I like how I am eating now. I would call my eating plan restrictive, but not limiting. I'm aware of what's on my plate and I eat it mindfully, but it's fairly well balanced, and the goal is not to lose 10 pounds in a weekend, not to fit in a size smaller in three days. I am getting results, and I don't feel deprived. It feels sustainable, which really is the goal right now: above all, consistency.

I weighed myself yesterday and logged a 3 pound loss for the week. That makes 10 down since January 1, and I am feeling great - not just because of the number, but because of how it got there, and because of everything else that comes with choosing to do right by your body. I wake easier and with more energy, and even on days when I'm tired, the tiredness feels different. There isn't that extra heaviness and bloat from stuffing myself sick. I've been kicking butt with my goals for this month - I've made my water goal every day so far, and I've stayed fully on-plan all but two days (and even those days were mostly on plan!).

I'm also feeling very strong this week after an upsetting conversation about my husband. I'm usually pretty good about not letting him get to me - he's mostly "out of sight, out of mind," and thank goodness for that. But sometimes, and never when I expect it, he's brought to the front of my thoughts, and it almost always triggers me. (Because it's never good news.) This was some particularly rough information, and I'm so, so proud of myself for staying on plan through it. I'm trying so hard to be strong, to not let the choices he made that devastated our marriage dictate how I feel about myself now that I'm working so hard to be free.

I used my office hours this week to try and get ahead on whatever I can, and I've been listening to Amy Poehler's "Yes Please" on Audible. And of course, the place I picked up right after that conversation about my husband was her, talking about her divorce. And even though I feel like a lot of the book is hit or miss, her thoughts about her divorce are entirely perfect.
When you are a person going through a divorce you feel incredibly alone, yet you are constantly reminded by society how frequently divorce happens and how common it has become. You aren’t allowed to feel special, but no one understands the specific ways you are in pain ... Someday you will wake up feeling 51 percent happy and slowly, molecule by molecule, you will feel like yourself again.
It's a learning process, and some days are easier than others. But it's finally starting to feel like there are more good days than rough ones, which is a good sign. It's slow going, but the recovery is real and it is happening.

I didn't get to walk much this week - it was the first week of the semester, and we had issues trying to get an electrician to our apartment, so I think I only walked 3 of 7 days. But I've got my sights on this next week. The long weekend will help - I'll take Noah to "the exercise park," as he calls it. There's a playground and a 1 km walking path, and I walk the path 3-5 times with him in the stroller before heading over to let him run around on the playground. There's an unpaved 1 km path too, but all I have is an umbrella stroller (I sold the running stroller a few months ago, partly to buy groceries, but mostly because it reminded me of my husband and it made me angry even just looking at it). Right now, the paved path is perfect for us. Depending on the weather, we may also go down to the beach or to a different park in the area to walk around there. Sky's the limit!

What about you? Any fun weekend plans? How are your Resolutions coming along?

3 comments:

Wii Fit & A Bet said...

I got up and took a friend to the gym, mostly my goal is to rest and clean my house, have some fun with the family. Life is good, stressful, but good

Alicia said...

Excellent job with the weight loss!! I am struggling to get started. I went to the gym twice this week and am planning to run outside in the morning (it's really hot here in Belize!). Next week I am definitely stepping up to 4 times at the gym and 1-2 runs outside, weather permitting. Have a great weekend!

Rusti said...

Congrats on the loss! I'm so glad you are back! I missed you're how your posts motivate me. In fact you encouraged me to post a new blog.
If you have a chance please check it out; http://texasgirlgettinfit.blogspot.com/
thank you for your openness on your journey,
Rusti