May 22, 2015

Roses and thorns

In my first week as a single mother, I not only got a flat tire on the car, but the other evening during a rainstorm, Noah and I accidentally got locked out on our second-story balcony.

The tire was patched up after a quick call to AAA.

A locksmith came to rescue us from the balcony.

Neither of these incidents caused me to binge eat.

NSV is not even a strong enough concept for this. It blows my mind, really. Because as recently as a week and a half ago, I was triggered by every little thing - as big as a fight or as small as a rude or unkind comment from my ex-husband. Noah and I sat on the balcony for nearly an hour, singing and talking and watching the thunder and lightning and rain. He got a little antsy at the end, understandably, but still - it didn't trigger me to overeat.

This has been the best week I've had, no joke, in years.

Every day I woke up in my beautiful, comfortable bed. I spend the morning with my son - we empty the dishwasher together, then make breakfast together, then I bring him to daycare and I head to the gym. After the gym, I clean the house or work on projects - paintings for my bedroom, organizing the closets, selling toys Noah has outgrown to the children's consignment shop. I get Noah from the school, and we have fun - one day we went to a friend's house to play in the pool/sprinklers, today we are going to the library. We make dinner together, clean up, read some books, and snuggle up for bed.

After he goes to sleep and I am all by myself, I'm still not triggered or even interested in binge eating. I load up the dishwasher, I do any laundry if needed, I read, I write, I play Words With Friends, I watch Netflix (I am so into "Grace and Frankie" right now). And I go to bed feeling grateful and feeling satisfied that I did the best I could that day.

I worked out every day except the weekend, when the gym was closed so Noah and I went for walks. I drank plenty of water. I tracked my food. And it was a good week by the numbers as well.

I know not to expect big results like this every week, and I know these are pounds I've lost a dozen times already, but it's still so nice to make progress, even if this is well-worn territory.

$5 goes into the Fitbit Fund, and I'm looking forward to finally getting out of the 300s again - for good this time. Once I get to 295, I will start Couch to 5K again - a significant number, as it's not only my 50 pound loss, but it's also the weight I was when I started the running program back in 2010.

My goals for this upcoming week are to just keep up the good work. Stay focused, keep busy, and make the best choices I can. Having the rules of the Whole30 is very helpful right now - it gives me a plan, it gives me something to focus on. And having an audience on MyFitnessPal and Instagram has definitely helped with keeping me accountable!

What about you? How was your week? Any NSVs? What are your goals for next week?

May 19, 2015


Just a short post today.

The first time I lost the weight, I soaked up other people's stories and used them to motivate and inspire myself. I watched a ton of documentaries, read several books, and of course, found a strong blog community for support.

I've heard from a lot of folks that they were interested in the discussion group for "Made to Crave." I've been thinking a lot about it, and I decided to take it maybe a step further, and I created a page on Facebook for a reading group, like an online book club. I've called it a novel idea, and I am really looking forward to the discussions we can have there!

We will start this coming Sunday with "Made to Crave," and we will take a month to read through it a little at a time (I'll post a schedule there soon), and have discussions on the Page.

Unlike "Women, Food, and God," which I think can be appreciated by folks across the spectrum of where they are religiously, "Made to Crave" is definitely very strongly Christian. I understand that's not everyone's faith or interest, so once that book is done, we will have a new book every month from a variety of authors about weight, weight loss, healthy living, self-esteem/self-confidence, and more. (I'm thinking next will be comedian Jim Gaffigan's "Food: A Love Story").

I hope to see many of you there! Any suggestions for future books of the month?

May 18, 2015


I've had several people reach out to me in the past few days, to check in on me and see how I am doing. My answer to everyone has been about the same: I'm doing really well. I thought I would cry when he packed up the car, or when I saw the taillights disappear. Then I thought maybe I would cry when I woke up the next morning, or when he eventually called to let us know he had arrived. I've been waiting to get emotional, but so far, the only thing I have felt is relief.

The night that he left, I stayed up way too late, cleaning and organizing the bedroom. Since we moved in here, I've had my clothes in a pile on the floor while he took over the walk-in closet. I sorted them out, filled the dresser, and swept the floor.

I also made my bed with brand-new sheets and a brand-new quilt. It felt necessary. I thought that it was ingenious and unique, but every divorced woman I've spoken to said that she did the same thing. And it makes sense. Your bed is a very intimate place, but also a vulnerable one. Regardless of our reasons for getting divorced, it seems that we all feel that this is a space that we need to reclaim, that we need to assert ourselves and our personalities over.

I know that eventually, there will be a bad day. I know that this feeling of peace won't last forever, that there will be days when I am tired beyond exhaustion, when I wish that there was someone else here to talk to, when I feel overwhelmed. I'm hopeful, though, that I'll make the right decisions in how I respond to these feelings. Being exhausted and overwhelmed and lonely is a lot more stressful when there someone else here who ought to be contributing, who ought to offer support. Right now, I know what I am up against, and I have measures in place to make sure that when the going gets tough, I don't have any interest in following back into bad habits.

My eating has been on point. I have been trying to share pictures on Instagram as well as logging everything into MyFitnessPal. I went to the gym Friday before he left, and was back there this morning - it is closed over the weekend, but both days Noah and I went for walks around our neighborhood. It's not a very long walk, but every little bit helps … I figured that if I work out Monday through Friday, the weekends can be rest days and any activity is a bonus. Plus, any time that we are out and about, I am out of the kitchen.