April 2, 2015

Survive

Some days, even though I know there is a mountain of work to be done, I find that I can't focus, and I need to take a few minutes, an hour, or an afternoon and reset mentally. Today has been like that - stacks of quizzes on my desk that need my attention, but I can't seem to buckle down and do them. Too much on my mind.

My weight was really all over the place in March - 312 at the highest, 301 at the lowest, 303 today. I got stressed and anxious and ate my feelings, it went up. I was honest with my husband and told him I wanted to end things, and it's been dropping since.

Hovering around the century threshold between low threes and high twos is a weird place to be. The first time I lost the weight, I think I cried more at three to two than two to one. Two to one was a near-the-finish-line victory, but three to two - it was almost surreal. It was the first time I had ever worked so hard, and the first time in a long time that I believed in myself and all I had the power to achieve.

I'm really, really looking forward to a new month and a clean slate about things - especially since this is likely going to be a big month for me, relationship-wise. Matt has a friend who works for a start-up and they need help. He is on board, and soon (possibly within the month even) he will relocate for the job.

For so many reasons - for all of us - it's the right choice.

This past weekend, he took a little vacation, a sight he'd wanted to do since we'd moved here. We'd fought over it recently - I didn't think it was a good idea for a family vacation destination for a couple with a toddler - so he took off and did it himself. Noah and I had two days by ourselves, and I absolutely admit, I was nervous. Scared that I wouldn't be able to handle it, and that soon enough, when this is our day-to-day, I was going to spectacularly fail.

Illogical, of course, but that's the way most of my fears have been lately.

Interestingly enough, the things I am most worried about these days are pretty silly. I'm not worried about affording the bills or making sure that Noah grows up to be a decent, hard-working, kind gentleman. But things like "how do I know if something on the car needs to be fixed?" and "what if Noah is sick and I have to cancel classes?"

We went to the park Saturday morning, and on the way, Noah sneezed. A big one. A bad one. Seasonal allergies are really knocking him for a loop these days. And driving down the highway, there was nothing I could do. So we talked about how important it is to patiently wait and kept driving until we could safely stop, and then I reached back and cleaned his face. And we carried on.

We went to the grocery store to get more yogurt, and he started to fuss while we waited in line. So I reiterated how important it is to patiently wait our turn, and we sang a few kid songs until we finished up. And we carried on.

And when we got home, I wondered how I would hold the groceries, carry Noah, and unlock the front door. A second of anxiety, and then a moment of clarity: he's almost 2, he can walk up the stairs himself. Grocery bag on my wrist, his hand in mine, and the keys in the other hand. Not a crisis. We carried on.

It isn't always going to be easy, but it's not going to be impossible.

If he's sick, I'll find a way to get my classes covered. Not the end of the world.

And the car beeps at me when I have 40 miles left on my tank of gas, why wouldn't it tell me when something else is going on?

It sounds cliché, especially for this situation, but I can't help but repeat to myself: I will survive, I will survive, I will survive.

Hey, hey.