June 16, 2015

Home again

Not much new to report from the homefront. Noah and I made it safely back to South Carolina a few days ago, and I got right back on track with eating healthy and chugging water. At three 32 oz. Nalgenes a day, I'd say that one day's drinking is more water than I drank the whole time I was in Connecticut. We made a very healthy menu for the week, made a trip to the grocery store, and have been doing fairly well so far (not yet back to the gym, we had a dentist appointment yesterday and today ... I'll write about that later). I weighed in when we got back (yikes), and while I'm sure I will still be up from my pre-trip weight, I'm hoping to at least put a dent in it before my official weigh-in on Friday.

There were a few days when we got out and did a few fun and active things, which was good. We loaded up the jogging stroller and went with my dad to a state park...

... took my mom to a rose garden in Hartford, and even went out on my mom's boyfriend's boat. I wasn't going to do it, because I was self-conscious about my size. (I thought I would sink the boat. It's an actual boat, not a canoe or a kayak. Completely illogical, but that's disordered thinking for you.)

It's funny how things have changed in the last few years. I visited them right before I found out I was pregnant, and didn't think twice about getting into a bathing suit, slipping on a life vest, and tubing behind the boat.

I saw a great quote a while ago: comparison is the thief of joy. And it couldn't be more true. I compare myself too much, not only to other people and their stories, but to my past self at varying stages on my unique journey. I'm not at my smallest, but I'm not at my biggest either. I get mad at myself for the former, when I should be motivated by and proud of the latter. I'm in transition in a lot of ways, and even though I know it's counterproductive, I keep letting myself be discouraged by self-directed anger and regret.

Overall, the trip wasn't what I had expected, and not really in a good way. It was really kind of exhausting, both physically and emotionally. Besides the usual family stuff, it's just a lot of traveling for just me and a very rambunctious two year old. I know my family has other considerations that make it more difficult for them to travel, but at the same time, I'm frustrated by having to bear the burdens of travel every single time.

And: it was hard being there without Matt - as much as he always made it difficult in his own way, there were enough good times to make him feel missed this time around. I ended up breaking my own rule of limiting our texting (he's notorious for overdoing it with texting, and when he left last month, I asked him to respect my need to heal privately for a little while), and he even called me one day when I was particularly upset.

So, for a lot of reasons, I'll be staying in South Carolina for a while. I love my family so much, but something that made me successful with my weight loss the first time around was a commitment to what I called "healthy selfishness." I made choices consistent with my goals, regardless of what was more fun or more popular. I stayed home a lot instead of going out to dinner or to a bar after work. I went to the gym, even when the weather was terrible. I made the best possible food choices, even when what I craved was something unhealthy. In South Carolina, I cried myself to sleep over eating PB&J for dinner - but in Connecticut, I don't think twice about saying yes when I am offered dessert after an already heavy meal. Something about that place makes me completely forget what I want for myself long-term. I make some good choices there, but not consistently, and right now, that's what I need, badly. I need to be consistent in my efforts and I need to have a strong foundation of progress before I head back into those tempting situations.


Jill Walker said...

Bravo on your decisions to put yourself first! It's not being selfish, it's doing what you have to do to make it happen. I compare it to putting the oxygen mask on yourself before your child...doesn't do anyone any good if you pass out in the process. :) So glad you're home, back in your comfort zone, surrounded by the support you so desperately need to get back to where you want to be!

Christina @ Love Yourself Healthy said...

I'm sorry that your trip didn't quite go as you'd hoped; I'm glad you did have some good days, and hey--it helped show you what you need to work on.

It's so hard to put yourself first when you're used to accommodating everyone else before yourself. It's time to take of you now (and your little boy)!

Running Meg said...

Glad you made it back safely and are already prepped and ready to go at home. I'm glad you recognize your triggers and where you need to be to be your best self. Congrats on that!

Scooter Hussy said...

Welcome back. I wrote something about selfishness being a key ingredient to getting healthier a while back, and it's true - When you put yourself first where your physical and mental health are related, you will be better able to care for your son and others around you. Hugs!

Amy said...

It's so true about comparing ourselves with ourselves. I still feel a lot of comparative stress about what I used to look like the first time I lost weight vs. now. It kind of occurred to me recently that it was probably time for me to stop being so obsessed with that person... because I was like 17-21 years old during that time period of having a body I was happy with. I'm nearly 28, and I have to consider that things aren't really the exact same anymore, I need to strive for my healthy version of who I am right now vs. the person I was in that chapter of my life. It's silly to chase the past, when I can grow and move forward to my best future self.

I definitely know what you mean about choices at home though. I am really bad at my parents house too.

Mrs. O said...

Even well-meaning family members can make it hard for us to stick to a plan when away from home. From my experience, they don't understand why serving fried foods and decadent desserts can jeopardize my weight loss efforts. I've realized during the past year that they just don't understand our struggles; they don't turn to food for comfort or to ease pain like we do.

It's not selfish to put yourself first. I believe it's selfish of us to NOT put ourselves first so we can ensure we'll be here for our loved ones that need us.