May 18, 2015

Relieved

I've had several people reach out to me in the past few days, to check in on me and see how I am doing. My answer to everyone has been about the same: I'm doing really well. I thought I would cry when he packed up the car, or when I saw the taillights disappear. Then I thought maybe I would cry when I woke up the next morning, or when he eventually called to let us know he had arrived. I've been waiting to get emotional, but so far, the only thing I have felt is relief.

The night that he left, I stayed up way too late, cleaning and organizing the bedroom. Since we moved in here, I've had my clothes in a pile on the floor while he took over the walk-in closet. I sorted them out, filled the dresser, and swept the floor.

I also made my bed with brand-new sheets and a brand-new quilt. It felt necessary. I thought that it was ingenious and unique, but every divorced woman I've spoken to said that she did the same thing. And it makes sense. Your bed is a very intimate place, but also a vulnerable one. Regardless of our reasons for getting divorced, it seems that we all feel that this is a space that we need to reclaim, that we need to assert ourselves and our personalities over.

I know that eventually, there will be a bad day. I know that this feeling of peace won't last forever, that there will be days when I am tired beyond exhaustion, when I wish that there was someone else here to talk to, when I feel overwhelmed. I'm hopeful, though, that I'll make the right decisions in how I respond to these feelings. Being exhausted and overwhelmed and lonely is a lot more stressful when there someone else here who ought to be contributing, who ought to offer support. Right now, I know what I am up against, and I have measures in place to make sure that when the going gets tough, I don't have any interest in following back into bad habits.

My eating has been on point. I have been trying to share pictures on Instagram as well as logging everything into MyFitnessPal. I went to the gym Friday before he left, and was back there this morning - it is closed over the weekend, but both days Noah and I went for walks around our neighborhood. It's not a very long walk, but every little bit helps … I figured that if I work out Monday through Friday, the weekends can be rest days and any activity is a bonus. Plus, any time that we are out and about, I am out of the kitchen.

11 comments:

Cynthia Malm said...

That bed set is lovely!!! I know that relieved feeling too. I'm here to chat if ya need me!

Rach said...

Your bedroom looks very calming and warm. Keep up the good work...just one step and one day at a time.

LovelyDreams said...

I felt relief, too. You can do this.

Amanda said...

That's exactly what I remember feeling...and being so surprised by it. The immense relief when he walked out, and I shut and locked the door..and like you, went and organized my bedroom. It's relieving and empowering all at the same time. Been thinking about you, let me know if you need anything!

-Amanda

Jill Walker said...

BRAVO, Mary! I am so proud of the way you have handled this...just one of many future hurdles, yes...but a huge one! I am also very, very proud of your MFP logins and accomplishments (phoenixpromise)! You've got this, girlie, and we're all behind you! :)

Christina @ Love Yourself Healthy said...

Hi,

I just started reading your blog today; I'm sorry for all that you're going through right now. I can't even imagine the emotional rollercoaster you're on.

I also struggle with binge eating--remember when it feels like there's so much going on that we can't control, we can always control the food we choose to put into our mouths--and it seems that you've been doing just that.

Rae said...

Love the pink! Glad the first few days went as well as they could.

Jordan said...

It's amazing to me even though I sort of knew it all along. Being overweight isn't really about the food. It's about not being able to feel, process and let go of my feelings.

Amy said...

I feel bad that this is my first comment in a while, but I have been reading along and thinking of you during this time of huge changes and transition.

I think a new bed is such a great idea, and I'm so happy to hear that you feel relief right now. It's a sign that you've made the right decision and are on the right path. When you think about the term "go with the flow", it really has such a deeper meaning than you would think. Go where things feel easy, because that's the path you're meant to be on. It's like jumping in with the current vs. fighting the waves to go the other way.

Glo said...

I did the exact same thing when my ex and I broke up about 8 months ago. I bought brand new sheets and totally rearranged the bedroom. It definitely allows you the mental space to accept your new circumstances. This room looks like it's Mary's, as it should.

That Loud Redhead said...

Love the new sheets! Hope each day continues to get better and better.