May 13, 2015

Decisions

I'm somewhere between introverted and extroverted. I can be very confident and outgoing at times, but I also deeply appreciate my alone time and have a strong need to recharge after spending a lot of time with other people.

Having guests really takes everything out of me, especially when the topics of conversation are so emotionally heavy.

My mother-in-law spent the weekend with us, she came to celebrate our son's birthday and stayed for a few extra days just to visit since she lives so far away. I was nervous about her coming, for a few reasons. First, because she loves to take everyone out to eat, and I get nervous about restaurant situations. The year when I lost my weight, I went out to eat three times. Three! That was a big deal to me, because I used to order out more times than that each week. And second, I was nervous because I had planned to tell her everything that has been going on in my marriage, namely the reasons for wanting to end it. It's deeply personal, and I felt it was a conversation that she was owed in person, rather than over the phone or even a video chat.

It went as anticipated - lots of tears on both sides, and a lot of apologizing from her on her son's behalf. She really is the sweetest lady, and I did my best to reassure her: you did a great job raising him, but you're not his only parent, and a lot of these behaviors were learned there (not to mention, you know, his own personal responsibility).

There's a lot of dirty laundry that could be aired, but this isn't the place for it, really. The point of the story is, while talking for four days straight about everything I've held on to and kept quiet about for years, I was not feeling particularly strong or confident. I made some good choices - cooked most meals at home, chose salads when we went out - but I stopped tracking and started snacking, and I stopped drinking water and had quite a bit of soda. For me, that's the nail in my coffin.

I wish I was strong enough to do the right thing in times like these. Sometimes I wonder how I ever managed to lose weight once, because on days and in moments like these, when I feel overwhelmed with grief and frustration and sadness, it feels so impossible to break the habits again.

Today, I'm at the office, answering a few emails and working on my book project for a little while before heading over to the gym. Then it's home for a desperately needed nap and tidying the living space. I'm one meal into the day but it's on-plan so far, and I plan to stay this way. I have to grocery shop at some point, and I'm debating starting a Whole 30 on Saturday.

I follow Geneen Roth on Facebook, I just love her so much, and someone commented on one of her posts a few weeks ago:
Everything we do involves a decision. To do nothing is a decision to do nothing.
And that stuck with me. I didn't need to overeat this weekend. I have mud masks and blank canvases/paints and my devotional and an Audible account full of books - plenty to do instead of a binge. But I chose what is easy and quick instead. I really need to work on making the conscious decision to do the right thing, even when it's hard.

6 comments:

Jill Walker said...

The point here, I think, is that you are making the decision to be concerned about your health enough to do something, even if at the moment, it's not every little thing you could do. All forward motion counts, and you've had some great forward motion lately. Use that as momentum to drive you onward to more changes! You had a huge weekend...but thankfully, it's over now, and you can move on...in more ways than one.

Denise said...

Hard to binge when your face is tight from a mud mask. Just keep it on all all the time. I am bad at advice.

Nanette N. said...

Beautifully said... Your last paragraph was a realization I had last night. I totally forgot to cook. I didn't even think about it, because I was working on a project.

Busy hands can't stuff our face.

LovelyDreams said...

I wish I could remember the exact quote--it was a spin on the old "losing weight is hard, being fat is hard, choose your hard" one. Essentially it was like, "being healthy and being unhealthy are both hard, so go hard with integrity". I need to find it because it resonated with me and this post reminds me of that.

I'm as things went well with your mother-in-law, even though it was hard.

Rae said...

great post. So glad you were able to talk with her and share so openly. That's a very unique and special relationship that I hope you will have for years to come. Each day, each hour, each minute we have a choice. For get the last poor choice and embrace your next opportunity. God bless!

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

You lost a lot of "weight" this weekend. Be proud that you spoke your piece and aren't stuffing your truth down anymore! To be honest like that is WAY harder than not drinking soda. I am proud of you!!