October Goals

Well, here we are. It's October. The last month hasn't been perfect, but it's done. And I'm pretty pleased with the results:

• With the exception of the rash-induced insomnia, I have been sleeping well and waking up with plenty of energy.
• My clothes are all loose - almost too loose, and I'm looking for maybe someone to take them in so I don't have to buy all new clothes just yet.
• I don't feel as food obsessed - meaning, most days, I am not counting down the minutes until I can reasonably eat again, and I am not eating junk just for the sake of meeting a calorie goal. I did not count calories this month, but would say with certainty that each day I ate less than my previous goal of 1550, and I felt less hungry all the time.
• With the exception of the week before my period when I wanted to eat everything within my reach (and sometimes did - lesson learned, I still have a problem with jars of nut butters, even when they are compliant. Still single-serve packets or nothing at all.), I have been very good about not snacking between meals. I have made sure that my meals are enough to sustain and nourish me for a few hours. My exceptions have been on workout days, when I have a handful of almonds and raisins or a Larabar.
• Oh, and the weigh in.

On September 1, I weighed 294 pounds. On October 1 ... 278. A 16 pound loss. Not bad at all!

There have been a lot of skipped workouts lately - a few late nights at work, a trip to the doctor's, a weekend spent cleaning the apartment and driving all over town looking for bed bug mattress covers. I still made my fitness goal two weeks, though, so I am not beating myself up over having to re-prioritize once in a while.

So, what's the plan, now that it's October?

Well, I woke up and ate egg muffins for breakfast. And I brought chicken and vegetables for lunch. A handful of pistachios for a post-workout snack, and dairy-free tandoori chicken legs and asparagus for dinner.

I'm just going to keep up with it. It's not often that I find something that comes to me naturally and yields desirable results. If this is working, why stop? Plus ... if I resisted treats on our anniversary, when we had house guests, at the Italian festival, at the party ... I can certainly resist them on any regular day. It won't be forever, and some days won't be perfect. But I will stick with this the best I can.

What about you? How was your September? What are your October goals?

Whole 30: Day 29

About a week and a half ago, I noticed a few little red bumps on my legs. The next day, a few more. A few days later, even more. Very itchy, to the point where it woke me up in the middle of the night.

My husband, a former hotel manager, immediately feared the worst: bed bugs. So we spent all of last weekend deep cleaning our apartment, and we ordered bed bug covers for our mattress and box spring. A few days went by with no new marks, then another set of them popped up. So we deep cleaned again, replaced our pillows, blankets, sheets, everything within reason.

I went to the dermatologist today, and my five minute exam resulted in "maybe." It looks like an insect bite, but since neither my husband nor my son is afflicted, he said it likely isn't bed bugs. More likely than not, he said, it's an allergy to something.

"Have you eaten anything new lately?"

Grumble, grumble. No grains, no dairy, no soy, no legumes, no sugar, no alcohol, no nothing. And I'm still allergic to something.

Probably the most expensive five minutes I've endured, and no real answer, besides here is a prescription for an over-the-counter cream - maybe your insurance will cover it! - and come back in two weeks.

Today and tomorrow will be real challenges. (And every day after that, too - this fight never ends for me - but still.) I fought every urge on the way home to say screw it and eat whatever I wanted.

Eating X will not make this problem easier to deal with. It will not make it go away.

I left the appointment, went right back to work, and walked right back up the stairs to my office (six weeks strong of not using the elevator!).

This weekend was rough, too. We went to a local festival on Saturday, where I got to watch my husband eat Italian pastry right in front of me. Then that night, a party at our friends' place, where everyone enjoyed unhealthy snacks and my husband had downed three alcoholic ciders before I could even ask for a water. Needless to say, I took the baby home early so he could get some sleep and I could avoid the situation.

It wasn't even that I was tempted. It was just ... I was mad. Angry. Furious. I was stressed out over the rash situation, uncomfortable with my itchiness, needing a nap but unable to sleep well even at night out of fear of bed bugs, and just overall exhausted from a busy few weeks at work. I was walking around at the party so angry - I want to deal with my stress by eating and I can't have it. So I just left.

I have definitely been snacking a lot the past week or so - even compliant foods can be bad in excess, and I am certainly feeling it. I still feel like I have lost some weight, but my energy is zapped and my motivation is low.

What I need right now - more than pizza, more than a cheeseburger - is love. And a nap. And I won't find rest or affection from food, so I won't give in to them today.