February 20, 2014

Aftermath

Last night, we laid in bed, and Matt spoke to me while I cried.

I read your blog, and...

It had been a great day at work. I stayed on-plan all day - after the binge, I didn't feel any cravings anymore. It was definitely an argument for me living a 90/10 life, where I can eat NSNG (no sugar, no grains) or paleo most of the time, provided I have an occasional off-plan meal.

It won't be a cheat meal, because that sounds like I am doing something bad or negative. At this point in my journey, I need this. I am not able to be 100% percent on plan all the time. To ask myself to do that is to set myself up for failure. Allowing a reasonable off-plan meal once a week or once every two weeks will keep me focused on eating well day-to-day and avoid binges since I will be able to anticipate a meal off the plan. Not a day. Just one meal. And not extreme - an entire pizza isn't a meal. But a couple of slices with salad is.

I tend to glorify my year of weight loss. I think only about the results and forget how hard it was to get there, and what I did to set myself up for success. I forget that while I lost weight, I had pizza for lunch every Friday - a single-serve Lean Cuisine pizza. It satisfied my craving and kept me from making rash, unhealthy decisions. I didn't need to order a pizza every time I craved one, because in fact, I never craved it. I crave what I tell myself I cannot have. When I lost the weight, though, I allowed myself to indulge in moderation - instead of blocks of cheese, I bought individually wrapped pieces of string cheese. And every Friday was Pizza Day.

That set of conditions, above all others, is what I need to try and bring back. Stop punishing myself for the regain by denying myself off-plan foods in moderation. Accept the current situation, and move forward.

Last night, laying together in bed, we talked.

I wasn't mad at him. I didn't even want the fruit. The anger wasn't about not sharing.

I want to be healthy, and I want my family to be healthy. And it stinks, just completely stinks, that eating healthy foods is so much more expensive than less healthy choices.

Matt gets up in the middle of the night and eats. He knows he does this, and since we don't typically keep unhealthy foods in the house, it's not a problem - he'll wake up, have a snack, and come back to bed. Before the Whole 30, I would make containers of sugar free Jello, sometimes with fruit in it, and he'd snack on that.

A package of artificially colored and sweetened sugar-free Jello is 89 cents.

A package of strawberries, not even organic ones, is five dollars.

And that's frustrating.

Matt is applying for jobs here, and hopefully something works out for him soon. We get by now, but by the skin of our teeth. With another income, making healthy choices at the grocery store wouldn't be so stressful. Right now, though, it is.

I'm not giving up on weight loss. Even when I feel the most lost and confused, I try to plug along. I slow down, but I don't quit.

I logged my weight today on MyFitnessPal as what would have been the Whole 30 wrap-up.

Over the 45 days, I lost 19 pounds.

Considering that I didn't really work out much (work has been crazy and I've been just so exhausted and unmotivated), that's a success. I am looking forward to staying 90/10 Paleo and NSNG and trying to go to the gym more as my schedule allows, and seeing how the next few months go.

February 19, 2014

Whole 30: Days 26-28

Today is the last day of our Whole 30.

Er, it's supposed to be.

I made it 15 days, then we went to Minnesota and started over. Then I made it 28 days.

28 [bleepin'] days.

It wasn't even a small slip-up, like ordering coffee and taking a sip before realizing the barista had added milk and sugar. It was a full blown, all out binge.

I was angry, upset, frustrated. Matt and I had fought - I woke up to find the two pound container of strawberries I had bought the day before had only 3 berries left in it. He wakes up in the middle of the night and raids the fridge. The next day, I woke up to find he had eaten an entire honeydew melon overnight. And that night when I went to make dinner, I found that a two pound bag of carrots was already gone.

All of that. In 36 hours.

I hadn't wanted any. But what upset me was that he hadn't even considered me. And that every single cent of my paychecks goes towards our expenses - rent, utilities, phone, car payment, groceries. I work so hard, and I can't save a cent. My dad gave me money last week and my first thought was, thank goodness, I can finally buy more clothes. Because I wear the same four outfits in rotation. I got pregnant and got fat again, none of my clothes fit. So we went to thrift stores, so I could get the most out of the money. And then we went to the grocery store, and got just enough for the week.

And then I wake up to find everything ravaged.

I was irrationally mad, and let myself go overboard.

(The irony is not lost on me, that I got upset over wasted money, yet had to spend money on my own binge.)

I can't even commit to something for a month.

My addiction is stronger than I am.

In 2010, I was ready to change my life. Right now, in 2014, I don't know if I can do this. It takes giving everything you've got. Right now, I don't know what I have to spare.

I don't know when I will be ready again, or what needs to happen for me to be ready to commit to how much work weight loss and healthy living really is. I keep trying to force myself to be ready, and getting angrier and more frustrated when I fail to do so. I make myself feel guilty. I believe myself to be a failure.

I'm not a failure. I'm just not ready. I don't get mad at Noah because all he can do is stand, not walk yet. He'll get there.

And so will I.

I just don't know when.