August 17, 2014

Black underwear

Today I'm wearing a pair of black underwear that I've had for years now. I wore them when they fit, and then when they were too small.

For some reason, I still kept them when they were much too large. Maybe it was a comfort thing ... I was very hesitant to get rid of most of my stuff when I lost the weight, not because of a fear of regaining the weight, but more because the weight loss happened so fast that I clung to any constants I could find.

I even wore them once in a while at my smallest weight, and I remember how they felt on my body. The waistband that currently sits around my bellybutton was right up under my breasts. I remember wearing them on long bike rides and having them cover much of my sweaty back.

This pair of underwear is very interesting to me, because it gives me perspective on my body at all the sizes it has been. I've spent so many years overweight, obese, and super obese, but I only spent one year maintaining at my lowest weight. It felt like the longest year of my life at the time, partly because I was in California, isolated and alone. But in retrospect, it's hard to remember some specifics, namely how it felt to be small.

I have a closet full of clothes that I can't wear right now. At my current size, I have one pair of pants that I can squeeze myself into. I hold up the cute dresses I was so glad to finally fit into and can't remember what it felt like to wear them. But the underwear ... I have memories of the underwear from every size.

Almost every day feels like a struggle between my long-term and short-term desires. When I want to binge, I battle myself in my head, reasoning why I should or should not do it. Thinking about the underwear and wanting it to be too large once again helps make my decision some days. Tomorrow is another day and another struggle, but for today, this works.


Kara said...

I'm so glad you are writing again. I have had my own underwear issues lately. I had to buy some new ones because I've gained back the 50 pounds I've lost and I had thrown out my old ones. I'll never do that again.

Debby said...

I have a box of clothing that are items I love, but are too small for me to wear right now. I should maybe think about that more often. Like when I make poor decisions to eat ice cream for today. :/ I certainly don't have this weight loss thing down, but if you ever want to message me on My Fitness Pal when you're feeling like a binge, feel free! Sometimes it helps to have someone else tell you, you CAN do this!

LovelyDreams said...

It's so hard, sometimes. I'm sending you a friend request on MFP (username is LovelyDreams.) I could be your accountability buddy.

Yum Yucky said...

One day at a time. It's Monday now. I hope it's a good day for you. xo

Denise said...

I, too, had one pair of pants. They got a hole in the thigh where they rubbed together. I still wear them because I flat out refuse to buy another pair of pants in that size. So I got myself some jersey-knit maxi skirts from Target and HOLY SHIT, life is better. I feel ladylike and pretty (something I rarely felt in my jeans), and Monistat makes anti-chafing gel powder that helps with my chub rub. If my weight fluctuates, the skirts will still fit. Can be dressed up for down for any occasion. Good with sandals or boots. Bonus: I rarely have to shave my legs.

Skirts, man.