February 19, 2014

Whole 30: Days 26-28

Today is the last day of our Whole 30.

Er, it's supposed to be.

I made it 15 days, then we went to Minnesota and started over. Then I made it 28 days.

28 [bleepin'] days.

It wasn't even a small slip-up, like ordering coffee and taking a sip before realizing the barista had added milk and sugar. It was a full blown, all out binge.

I was angry, upset, frustrated. Matt and I had fought - I woke up to find the two pound container of strawberries I had bought the day before had only 3 berries left in it. He wakes up in the middle of the night and raids the fridge. The next day, I woke up to find he had eaten an entire honeydew melon overnight. And that night when I went to make dinner, I found that a two pound bag of carrots was already gone.

All of that. In 36 hours.

I hadn't wanted any. But what upset me was that he hadn't even considered me. And that every single cent of my paychecks goes towards our expenses - rent, utilities, phone, car payment, groceries. I work so hard, and I can't save a cent. My dad gave me money last week and my first thought was, thank goodness, I can finally buy more clothes. Because I wear the same four outfits in rotation. I got pregnant and got fat again, none of my clothes fit. So we went to thrift stores, so I could get the most out of the money. And then we went to the grocery store, and got just enough for the week.

And then I wake up to find everything ravaged.

I was irrationally mad, and let myself go overboard.

(The irony is not lost on me, that I got upset over wasted money, yet had to spend money on my own binge.)

I can't even commit to something for a month.

My addiction is stronger than I am.

In 2010, I was ready to change my life. Right now, in 2014, I don't know if I can do this. It takes giving everything you've got. Right now, I don't know what I have to spare.

I don't know when I will be ready again, or what needs to happen for me to be ready to commit to how much work weight loss and healthy living really is. I keep trying to force myself to be ready, and getting angrier and more frustrated when I fail to do so. I make myself feel guilty. I believe myself to be a failure.

I'm not a failure. I'm just not ready. I don't get mad at Noah because all he can do is stand, not walk yet. He'll get there.

And so will I.

I just don't know when.


DollSquirrel said...

There is nothing more frustrating than feeling like your hard-earned money is wasted, I totally know how that feels. But like you said, you are not a failure. This is just life, you can't fail at that. Even if this all takes longer than you want it to, you will get there. It is a process, that's all. Don't let one rough day (or five rough days, or a rough year, whatever) get you too down.


CarolineCalcote said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are amazing. You are giving everything you have of yourself for your family. When my kids were little, I could not even think about making myself a priority, or adding any stress to my life. I didn't start my weight loss journey (this last time) until Mack was 3 and Cal was almost 6. And I wasn't even working full time and juggling everything that you are. Don't feel defeated...you are not a failure. This is not the end. Just keep truckin'. And again, you are awesome. xoxo

Amy said...

Oh man, I'm so sorry to read this.

I'd be pissed too.

Does Matt know he's doing it? My dad sleep eats (drinks juice and eats cookies).

I often wake up and drink juice in the middle of the night, and it's not when I'm logical or rational, so I don't think, this is a bad idea.

I think you need to focus on the fact that you just basically had 43 nearly flawless days of eating. Sure, you had a bit of soy in the first 15, but that's still a ton of control and healthy eating before one binge.

Try not to think of it as a wiping that slate clean, day 0 again.

Continue on.

I think the flaw of whole 30 is that you have to start back at day 0 when you mess up, because seeing the number 1 again just is such a defeating feeling.

Tomorrow is Thursday, and you're meal plan says X.

Unknown said...

There is not a blog on my list that I relate to like yours!

Unknown said...

You are doing wonderfully and this is just a tiny hiccup. I am like you and I like to have a system to stick to but in the whole scheme of things, the 30 exact days is irrelevant. You've got 28 and you can go have two million more. You need to feel much better about the 28 days than the one that threw you for a loop. Also, as someone still kind of new in this marriage deal (five years), I can tell you that it is really acceptable to say "holy shit absolutely no more night eating!" You'll get more out of him not night eating than he gets out of night eating and I think that's all that decision comes down to. Just ask for the support you need! Hell, demand it if you have to.

PJ Geek said...

this is not just a pithy comment...take it one meal at a time and just one day at a time..very true and wise advice and I was just reminded of it myself last week.

I understand the money piece and money is a tricky subject. I know the balance of childcare is involved, but maybe his taking on a very part time job would help to cushion things just a little. If this is just a temporary arrangement then keeping that in mind will help too--reframing the way you think of it.

good luck ..keep posting

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

Please, Mary, don't give up!!

Anonymous said...

Just found your blog and I can relate. I too regained while pregnant and I rotate three outfits because everything else is far too small. I have no words of wisdom to share, just wanted you to know you're not along.