February 8, 2014

Whole 30: Days 18 and 19

I haven't been to the gym since Wednesday, I think. I'm finally feeling hit with a lack of energy - that, and we've been trying to go out to local meet-ups the past few evenings to try and get to know people around here. Last night was young professionals, tonight was moms. It was a lot harder for me than I think even Matt knew. I've retreated back into my social anxieties since I regained the weight. I don't want to go out, don't want to be seen. I'm not comfortable in my own skin right now. I think about some of the things I did when I was smaller, and I'm shocked at how bold I became as I shed the weight. How daring. Almost extroverted, even. I'm trying to put myself out there now, regardless of my size. But it's tough.

We're heading into the homestretch of the Whole 30, and it seems the tables have turned in our house. Matt is energetically and feeling great about his food choices, no cravings or anythings. Meanwhile, I'm feeling totally beat, and I am craving junk food very intensely. Matt snacks more than I do, and mostly on fruit, so I can kind of understand. I've been trying to cut myself off from sugar entirely, keeping fruit to a minimum, and now, I am craving sweets very much.

Knowing I have to report here is keeping me strong today. Some days I have great motivation, and I do better because I want to feel better and all that. But some days, all that keeps me on track is knowing that I couldn't bear to share a good day here if it truthfully had not been entirely compliant, and I absolutely don't want to have to restart the calendar again.

It reminds me of when I first lost the weight. I ate so poorly, and one day, I dropped all my bad habits cold turkey. That was the first time I realized food was more than just food to me, that it was an addiction. My body was being deprived of its drug, and it reacted thusly. Withdrawal symptoms from no sweets, no junk foods - I shook, I got headaches, I cried myself to sleep from craving it so badly. The experience scared me straight, at least for a year or so.

Matt and I were talking today about Valentine's Day, and he suggested a local restaurant that has a make-your-own stir fry option. It will be during the Whole 30 but we would stay compliant, apart from incidental oils. And I panicked. Because they also have a dessert buffet there, and I don't feel strong right now. I explained to him what I mean when I talk about my damaged relationship with food: when I am thinking about the foods I crave right now, I am not thinking about reasonably enjoying them. Enjoyment has nothing to do with it. I want my high. I want to eat a lot, fast, and privately. And that's how I know I am still not ready for moderation. I've been successful before with moderation, but today, here, now, I know abstaining entirely from my triggers in necessary.

The goal of the Whole 30 is not weight loss but rather, treating your body well, properly nourishing it, and learning to trust your body and its processes. I still have a long way to go towards having a healthy relationship with food, but I know this is a good first few steps. I'm finding motivation where I can, and trying to get stronger every day.


CarolineCalcote said...

Stay strong with the low sugar...avoiding it entirely for a while is the best way to get over sugar cravings. Sugar always wants more sugar. Eat lots of healthy fat! Always go for the high fat snack, like avocado, nut butters, homemade olive oil mayo dips, eggs, coffee with coconut milk. Fat satiety will help stem sugar cravings. I'm proud of you!

Amy said...

Are you thinking about extending your Whole 30?

I totally get this post. Food has such a powerful hold on me. Last night we were at a friends place and in my seat at a table there was a jar full of chocolates from Christmas and I honestly couldn't stop thinking about how I wanted one.

I cannot have food like that in my house or I just keep eating it till it's gone so that it's gone and I can stop thinking about it.

I am totally fine at home, if there is nothing bad in the house to eat - but as soon as I'm in a social setting and there is a bag of chips on the table, or whatever it may be, I fall victim to it. I just have zero control in those situations.