February 20, 2014


Last night, we laid in bed, and Matt spoke to me while I cried.

I read your blog, and...

It had been a great day at work. I stayed on-plan all day - after the binge, I didn't feel any cravings anymore. It was definitely an argument for me living a 90/10 life, where I can eat NSNG (no sugar, no grains) or paleo most of the time, provided I have an occasional off-plan meal.

It won't be a cheat meal, because that sounds like I am doing something bad or negative. At this point in my journey, I need this. I am not able to be 100% percent on plan all the time. To ask myself to do that is to set myself up for failure. Allowing a reasonable off-plan meal once a week or once every two weeks will keep me focused on eating well day-to-day and avoid binges since I will be able to anticipate a meal off the plan. Not a day. Just one meal. And not extreme - an entire pizza isn't a meal. But a couple of slices with salad is.

I tend to glorify my year of weight loss. I think only about the results and forget how hard it was to get there, and what I did to set myself up for success. I forget that while I lost weight, I had pizza for lunch every Friday - a single-serve Lean Cuisine pizza. It satisfied my craving and kept me from making rash, unhealthy decisions. I didn't need to order a pizza every time I craved one, because in fact, I never craved it. I crave what I tell myself I cannot have. When I lost the weight, though, I allowed myself to indulge in moderation - instead of blocks of cheese, I bought individually wrapped pieces of string cheese. And every Friday was Pizza Day.

That set of conditions, above all others, is what I need to try and bring back. Stop punishing myself for the regain by denying myself off-plan foods in moderation. Accept the current situation, and move forward.

Last night, laying together in bed, we talked.

I wasn't mad at him. I didn't even want the fruit. The anger wasn't about not sharing.

I want to be healthy, and I want my family to be healthy. And it stinks, just completely stinks, that eating healthy foods is so much more expensive than less healthy choices.

Matt gets up in the middle of the night and eats. He knows he does this, and since we don't typically keep unhealthy foods in the house, it's not a problem - he'll wake up, have a snack, and come back to bed. Before the Whole 30, I would make containers of sugar free Jello, sometimes with fruit in it, and he'd snack on that.

A package of artificially colored and sweetened sugar-free Jello is 89 cents.

A package of strawberries, not even organic ones, is five dollars.

And that's frustrating.

Matt is applying for jobs here, and hopefully something works out for him soon. We get by now, but by the skin of our teeth. With another income, making healthy choices at the grocery store wouldn't be so stressful. Right now, though, it is.

I'm not giving up on weight loss. Even when I feel the most lost and confused, I try to plug along. I slow down, but I don't quit.

I logged my weight today on MyFitnessPal as what would have been the Whole 30 wrap-up.

Over the 45 days, I lost 19 pounds.

Considering that I didn't really work out much (work has been crazy and I've been just so exhausted and unmotivated), that's a success. I am looking forward to staying 90/10 Paleo and NSNG and trying to go to the gym more as my schedule allows, and seeing how the next few months go.


Anonymous said...

You did amazing with your Whole 30 plan. Please don't beat yourself up for one binge. Life is all about taking it one day at a time. We all make mistakes and poor choices, but guess what? We get to start over again the next day. A brand new fresh start. You are an inspiration to me! I've read your blog for a few years now and I have following your journey, the ups and down and even shed a few tears reading. You are amazing. Absolutely. Keep on keeping on....one day at a time! Thinking of you!

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

19 pounds is phenomenal!! I am the same way- tell me I can't have something and it's all I want!! I want to eat the things I like and not think of them incessantly! By counting calories and working out, I hit goal, and I'll do it again, and again, if I have to, because it's worth it in the end. Keep going, Mary. You can do it!

LynnieG said...

19 pounds in 45 days! That is awesome and certainly shows that you have the power to do whatever you set your mind too - so don't beat yourself up about a hiccup. In those 45 days you made some pretty awesome food, learned a lot and have made a thoughtful decision on how you want to carry on. All good things - it's time to give yourself credit and stop beating yourself up. It sounds corny, but life is really so short and we all need to learn to enjoy and remember the good and stop dwelling on the bad. I think that's a problem for so many of us with long-standing weight issues. A dietician once told me that she didn't need to 'police' me because she could tell that I did way too much of that myself (as I sat sobbing in her office about all the mistakes I had made). Peace, Lynne.

Mrs. S. said...

19 pounds is pretty great. My plan is similar to yours. Focus on paleo but if I eat off plan once a month or so, I am not punishing myself.

Caroline said...

19 pounds in 45 days??? And you're complaining?! **wink**

You are doing fantastic! But really, do to stop beating yourself up all the time. Your journey to health will NEVER be perfect, so just except the "speed bumps" and journey on!

You're doing awesome, just take it slow and steady!

timothy said...

19 pounds in 45 days darling by any standard that's success. at 1 pound a week that would take 19 WEEKS you did it in under 7 weeks. stop beating yourself up, I completely understand about the money my hours got cut to 28 from 40 so eating on plan is so very expensive. on your 10% portion control is what you need to be very strict about. you've got this, just stay strong and positive!

PJ Geek said...

good for the both of you for talking things through and working together through all the hard things that being a new family is. very insightful post. have your pizza day..have what you need to make this work for you.

Amy said...

that's a really great loss! I feel a lot of sadness coming from this post for some reason, and I hope you are successful with the 90/10 rule! I would love to achieve that myself.

I hear you on cost 100%... I would love to do a whole 30 right now, but the truth is I really cannot afford it. It's such a shitty reality of eating well. So I continue with gluten-free, mostly dairy free and need to get to sugar-free. Even that is pricey!

Sarah said...


That Loud Redhead said...

I'm glad you talked it out...you can get through it, one day at a time, together. Many hugs to you. Congrats on the 19 pounds...that's a huge accomplishment!

Unknown said...

Many hugs, much love and loads of support being sent to you, Mary.

Anonymous said...

Really great loss, you're doing so well, especially if you are unmotivated and haven't done much exercise. You should be so proud :)


Erin @ Ideas Worth Living said...

Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you. :)