January 26, 2014

Whole 30: Day 6

I have been using an e-reader app called Oyster for a few weeks now. It's okay - they tout it as "the Netflix of books," which I guess is to say that the selection currently available is only so-so but in a few years, once they start to acquire more rights to better stuff, it will be a decent app. I canceled my membership before the free trial was over, but I still have a week or so to read the books I picked out before my access is denied. I'm mostly done with a really interesting book about bees. The rest of my library on there right now is paleo cookbooks.

Breakfast today was from one of them. It was a breakfast "burrito," except instead of a tortilla, you cook an egg white so that it is tortilla-like and wrappable.

So, basically, an omelette with a less fancy name.

It needs some tweaking, but it's definitely something I'd attempt again. Next time, I need to use a better pan. Matt's egg whites turned out okay - his are pictured above, but mine were screwed up so badly that I couldn't even pretend to burrito them, I just had a pile of egg whites and some filling. The filling was really good - some ground turkey cooked up with leftover onions, peppers, and tomato sauce from last week's fajitas.

We went to the grocery store in the morning and shopped for the week. We're getting better about reducing our bill - after the first two weeks, it's been considerably less. Needing to get things like olive oil and stocking our spice rack helped make for a few high grocery bills. We've also been getting better about realizing how much meat we need to buy, and about sticking to the list with produce - a few weeks ago, we bought some produce that looked good but since it hadn't been in the menu, we forgot about it, and it went bad. Reducing wasted food (and therefore wasted money) has been successful.

For lunch, we had leftover chicken and broccoli from last night. I wish there had been more of the broccoli, I liked it almost better than the meat, and could've made a whole meal of just that. There was still some chicken left over after lunch, so I bagged it up and froze it. I've been trying to do that - put aside portions of meals here and there. Matt mostly has the previous night's leftovers for lunch, so I think having a stash will help mix it up a bit once in a while.

Right after lunch, I made some coleslaw to go with dinner - I wanted to make it in advance so the flavors could soak in a bit. I used broccoli slaw, and instead of a creamy dressing, I puréed avocado and then tossed it all together with a little lime and garlic.

The lime was to keep the avocado from browning, and it worked, but when we ate it with dinner, the taste was really strong. Next time I will add half as much.

Dinner was simple today, just the slaw with some chicken breasts I filleted and sprinkled with black pepper. 

The slaw didn't brown at all - the difference in pictures is just the lighting, I swear. Matt wasn't crazy about the slaw at first - he isn't a huge fan of avocado, so I keep trying it different ways to see if he'll start to like it.

But I honestly think that wincing was a reaction to the tartness of the lime more than the texture of the avocado. After a few more bites, he said that it wasn't "that bad," and he finished what I'd put on his plate. Good, because there's more for his lunch tomorrow!

I didn't make it to the gym today. I was going to go in the evening, but ended up chatting with my cousin for quite a while. I don't feel guilty at all, though - talking to her makes me feel emotionally healthy, and that absolutely counts.

In the afternoon, Noah helped me work on a project - by which I mean, he held pieces of construction paper before I cut them up and labeled them. It's a countdown of every pound I have left to lose until I am no longer obese.

It kills me how big the pile is. How close I used to be. How much of it I am re-losing for the second, third, fourth, hundredth time. I know it's useless to dwell on it, but still, this was a tough exercise emotionally, even if it will be therapeutic as I destroy each piece of paper when I lose that pound.

I  taped them to my closet door, and put stars next to some of the numbers - 245 (my 100 pound loss), 210 (the weight I was the day I found out I was pregnant), 199 (finally back in onederland), and 188 (my lowest adult weight).

I made one for Matt too, which I taped into his closet.

I love having his support, though I hate how I felt when I saw the doors like this.

Jealous, that he is closer to his goal. Self conscious, that I weigh so much more than my husband. Upset, that I let myself go so badly that I have to work this all off again. And worried, nervous, anxious, already thinking about what happens when I run out of papers to tear off, what happens when I need to maintain again.

I have a long way ahead of me, and this visual is tough to see right now. But I know that as the pieces disappear, I will start to feel healthier and happier, and while I work them off, I will be developing a plan for once they're gone. When the time comes, I will be ready.


Mrs Swan said...

OMG- You hit me so hard that you almost made me cry. What a visual of all the little slips of paper. Obviously I am new to your blog and have only been reading the whole 30 posts. Honestly, I envisioned you to be about 155 now. You write like someone in that bracket to me. (that sounds weird and I know it. I guess it is like saying someone is younger/older than you though) I am not sure if I like your paper idea or not. Nothing wrong with it but it kinda hurts me deep inside. I think I need to examine this internally a bit more. :/

Sarah said...

Whoa. Uh-uh. Stop. I get where you're coming from, but he didn't get pregnant. You did.

I'm not trying to be hard on him when I say that (because, really, I know he would have shared carrying the baby if that were biologically possible), but it's so unfair to compare the doors without taking all of the pregnancy stuff into account.

I don't want it to wear you down, so if it starts to feel demeaning to see the doors next to each other, maybe you can relocate the papers. I don't want it to take a toll on you emotionally. *hugs*

Amy said...

I get the comparison thing - it's so hard.

For me, with my ex, weighing more than him was always a huge emotional struggle for me, and something he loved me less for.

With Joel, I weighed more than I do now when we met, and I'm almost certain I weigh more than him considering he is so tiny... but he has no idea what I weigh and he doesn't judge me for any of it. He loves me for who I am.

The thing is... love is love. Matt loves you for who you are. He loves you as the mother of his child.

I know relosing the same pounds is so emotionally burdensome... but I really think you need to take the lessons from the Whole 30 about the scale.

The whole point of not weighing yourself on the scale during the Whole 30 is for you to learn that the number is meaningless!

It's about health. Would you rather eat crap processed food and weigh 199 pounds, or be the healthiest you've ever been and weigh 205?

Was your life less meaningful because you gave birth to your son at a weight that you didn't want to be? Are you less of a mother?

The answer is OF COURSE not.

I really think you need to ditch the scale for awhile and keep going with the Whole 30 until it becomes less meaningful to you. If you eat healthy and are active, your body will find it's happy place.

If time has shown you anything it's that it's about the journey. Live in the moment now. If you're racing to the finish line of 185 pounds, you're missing out on a whole lot in between. Your life is no less valuable. It's a hard journey to lose that detachment - I struggle with it too... but I do know how unhealthy that scale is for me.

And honestly, I think if this activity should have taught you any lesson, it's how unhealthy it was for you and how emotionally hard on you it was! You don't need that visual of comparison every day!

Yum Yucky said...

That egg white tortilla is awesome. Gonna do that. And now my stomachs are growling. I blame you.

Mrs Swan said...

I came back just to read the comments and I am glad to see that I am not the only one that was effected by the slips.

What about changing it somehow (unless your happy with it and you very well might be and if so please ignore) and showing what you have already lost as well. So it isn't just umm I dunno how to phrase what I am trying to say. I am giving unsolicited advice and I know people dislike that so I will shut up now LOL

karen said...

So Mrs Swan led me here and I'm so glad that she did! At first I was all "WHOA! I love the Post-Its idea! I've gotta do that!" and then thought about how much it would pain me to see them constantly hanging there glaring at me. I don't lose weight quickly or easily but I LOVE visuals so, yeah, I'll be plastering my closet with post-its but I'll be putting them up instead of taking them down, I think.