November 22, 2013

Roses and thorns

Unlike any school I've ever attended or taught at, this university gives a full week off for Thanksgiving break. I'm thankful for a lot of things this year, and this is definitely one of them. After what has felt like going non-stop since Noah was born, I'm ready for a few days of rest.

And I hope they are restful.

I'm nervous about going to Florida and staying with Matt's grandparents - it's not that they are strangers, I have met them before. But they are very health-conscious and I am worried that my extreme tendencies will kick in. I'll either deprive myself all week to fit in, or try and binge in private so they don't realize I have problems with food.

I wish I could have talked to my therapist this week, but we broke up. Well, I dumped her. After she was at least 5 minutes late to every single session (this time for more than 15 minutes), then went over time every session as well, I finally had enough and called, got her voicemail, and said thank you for all her help but I would not be returning to her practice. I finally heard back from her nearly an hour later, saying she was sorry and let's try again. Honestly, though, it wasn't the most comfortable environment, and so the search begins again for a new therapist.

That was Tuesday. The next day was my birthday. I have been anxious about that for a while, mainly stressing over what we would do for a birthday dinner. We ended up going out to sushi for lunch (I figured, smaller portions would be better) and then made dinner at home. Birthday cake was replaced with frozen yogurt. I thought it was a good day food-wise, but the next day I was up two pounds. I had maintained all week, then that, and today I'm still there: 251. I hate being back in the 250s but I know it's temporary. Looking at my last few weeks of weigh-ins, they all look like this. Big loss, small regain. Down 3, up 1 ... down 5, up 2. I don't like the regain, but I'm glad it goes back down again. It shows how I'm determined to get back to my healthiest self. I don't give up, even when the going gets tough.

Today I am doing oral interviews with my students for their final exam. A busy teaching day, but not a hard one. Then, Matt, Noah, and I will head to the store to get some last minute road trip needs - diapers, bottled water, toiletries - then it's home to pack. Matt will go for a run while I pack, then I will hit the gym while he makes sure the trash is taken out and the dishes are done. I ate within my calories yesterday but was exhausted and didn't work out - if I had, I know the scale would've been back down this morning. A good workout will help me feel better and get me in a good mood for the next week.

I don't know if I will have constant Internet access (I'm almost hoping I don't, so I can unplug a bit!) but I hope to blog at least once while we are gone. Matt's mom, grandmother, and brothers got me an iPad for my birthday, so I can at least draft posts. There is a Blogger app - I downloaded it but haven't tried it yet, hope it works!

What about you? How was your week? What are your Thanksgiving plans? Anyone have a review of the Blogger app for iPad?

November 17, 2013

Roses and thorns

I typically post weigh-ins on Fridays but this weekend has been go-go-go non-stop, so this is the first chance I'm finding to share this week's results.

After last week's frustrating gain, I cracked down and worked hard this week, and it worked - I weighed in at 249!

That's a 5 pound loss for the week, and a new decade to work through. I'm excited to be this close to 245 (my 100 pound weight loss milestone), but also, 247 - at that point, I will have lost half the weight I gained while pregnant, but also, my BMI will be back under 40 - meaning, I will be "just" obese. The last time this happened, I was just as excited:
This morning there will be a little extra bounce in my step, because my weekly weigh-in has been a good one. Last week I was at 250 even, so any loss would get me into the 240s and put me up against my old foe, The Four in the Tens Place. This morning, I am at 246. These four pounds make my total loss 99 pounds, and bring my BMI to 39.7 ... which means I am no longer the super obese person I was in July. And I'm not even the morbidly obese person I've been whittling myself down to. Today, I am simply obese, and all things considered, that is a wonderful thing to be.
One thing that helped a lot this week was avoiding peanut butter. It's been a quick spoonful for a snack (though, interestingly enough, no longer a binge trigger since I got pregnant), but it's so many calories for just a little amount. In some cases, abstinence works better for me than moderation, so for now, I'm going to keep trying to stay away from it.

I can feel a little difference in my body composition since I started working out, even though it has only been about two or three weeks. The leg muscles I built up with thousands of miles of cycling in California are feeling strong again! And slowly, but surely, my self confidence is building up. I no longer make a retching sound when Matt takes pictures of me - it's now "hmm, that one isn't horrible." They're baby steps in the right direction.

The weekend so far has been so-so with food choices - on Friday we had a faculty retreat at work and even though I had half a sandwich with a little broccoli salad and a cookie for lunch, I still felt bloated with sodium. The scale was up a little bit the next day (though still in the 249 range), which I expected. Saturday, I knew we would be going out to dinner - Matt's aunt and uncle were driving down to Florida for the winter so we drove a few hours to a convenient town where we could meet up. I had a protein heavy late breakfast/early lunch, then made the best choices I could at dinner (a barbecue place). I made sure to go to the gym before we hit the road, so that hopefully helped a little.

I'm drafting this post Saturday night to post Sunday morning, so I am not sure what the scale will read tomorrow, but I'm not worried. I made the best choices I could, I didn't binge, and the rest of the week will be full of good choices, so in the end, it will all end up okay.

Wednesday is my birthday, and I am not planning on doing anything special food-wise. We had discussed going out to dinner but after this weekend, plus the anticipated meals out on our way to/while we are in Florida, I think it's smarter to just stay in. More than birthday cake, more than a heavy restaurant dinner ... I want to be able to wear my old clothes. I want to reach the milestones. I want to feel like my healthiest self.

What about you? How was your week? What are your Thanksgiving plans?