October 25, 2013

Roses and thorns

After seeing the scale jump up earlier this week, it's back down to 256 today. Not great, of course, but back to where I've been maintaining, at least.

Tonight was the on-campus 5K. Matt ran it for me, and nailed a PR - a little over 25 minutes. I can't even imagine running that fast - though really, I can't quite imagine running at all these days. Even thinking about running makes me cry.

Speaking of which, on Thursday morning, I had a pretty good first meeting with the therapist. It was about 45 minutes, and we laid out the framework of what my treatment plan will be. Basically, I gave her a lot of background, things we will discuss in depth later on.

I don't know how much of it I'll be working through here. Mainly because this isn't the private venting place it used to be for me - family and friends all read it now, something I purposely avoided when I started the blog. A lot of the issues are deeply personal - things that are contributing, I'm sure, to my recessed disordered eating habits.

Things related to weight loss, of course, I will try to share. Maybe someone will be able to find some wisdom in my journey. Some other areas, though, I'll be working through privately, and I'm sure you understand. Thursday morning, I told the therapist things I haven't thought about in ages. Things I've never said out loud, even - not even to my husband.

It's not much, but it's a start, and I'm happy to be on that road.

What about you? How was your week?

October 21, 2013

Nope, that wasn't it

Since we were out of town for most of Thursday, including 6+ hours in the car, I didn't get a chance to post a weigh-in for Friday. I had, again, maintained all week, but today I'm up a few pounds, to 259.

It was a rough weekend for some reason. Maybe it was the stress of Noah needing the surgery, and anxieties over the trip itself. Maybe it was nerves about work, and feeling overwhelmed with things needing to be accomplished there. Or maybe it was the sting of my cousin reaching out to me about making sure I am focused on getting back to a healthy weight. The last time she approached me about it, I was 345 pounds; bringing it up now means she sees me in the same state, even if the numbers on the scale aren't the same. She meant well, but with everything I'm dealing with right now, it was the last thing I wanted to hear. I don't want to hear that people can see how deeply I'm suffering, how hard I am struggling.

I dealt with it all in the way I know feels best, even if I only feel it in that moment.

No one is more critical of me than I am of myself. I feel so horrible for reacting this way. Guilty, even. My family sees that I'm obese again, so I overeat to feel better. My son isn't eating enough, so I overeat to forget that I can't make enough milk for him. I'm trying so hard to be a good wife and partner, so I leave all my work in the office and try to be sociable after hours, but then I get back to work and find myself overwhelmed with all I have to do. And I overeat.

A few months ago, I saved a brilliant cartoon from Toothpaste for Dinner:

It hit me, hard.

It's everything I've thought to myself, expressed very succinctly.

When I started this blog, I was super obese and deeply depressed.

Then I started to lose weight, with my only goals being "happy and healthy."

Healthy came easily at first.

But happy?

Nope, that wasn't it.

Nope, that wasn't it.

Nope, that wasn't it.

Nope, that wasn't it.

Nope, that wasn't it.

Nope, that wasn't it.

Nope, that wasn't it.

Nope, that wasn't it.

Don't get me wrong - so many of these moments I would say made me happy, very happy, ecstatic and joyful, even. But happy is a band-aid, my hurts run deeper than these moments could heal. Even at my happiest moments, I still feel incredibly broken and in need of a repair.

Weight loss didn't fix the emotional problems. And if anything, the weight regain has made them worse.

I'm making good on my promise to myself.

I'm seeking a happy and healthy life. Before physical health can be attained, and if I want the results to be maintained long-term, I need to invest in my mental health. I need to work on the happy.

I need deeper reaching, more intense workouts than I've ever faced before - only this time, they need to work out my inner problems. The reasons why I binge, why I restrict, why I find myself so full of self-loathing and the only way to soothe the feelings is to suppress them, rather than confront or deal with them.

I want a healthy relationship with food and exercise, and the first step toward accomplishing that is to try and start a healthy relationship with myself.

Over three years after starting this blog, I finally made the call.

My first appointment with a therapist is on Thursday morning. She deals with childhood issues, with new mom/new wife issues, with trying-to-be-do-and-have-it-all issues. Most importantly, though, she deals with disordered eating issues, which I am more than ready to talk about.