October 11, 2013

Roses and thorns

I'm down a pound this week, to 255. Wish it was more, but I'll take it. I worked out for approximately 90 seconds all week. I got so excited about doing Wii Fit every day and went to start a workout, and quickly realized as the balance board kept shutting down, that the equipment I need to do the workouts is broken. Go figure, after 4 years (2 of which it was barely used at all), the stuff stops working.

Down but not out. I got a lot of good suggestions on my last few posts, so I'm going to look into workouts on Netflix or YouTube - I know in the past I've struggled with videos like that, but you know, I've got to give it another try. My situation now is different than it was a few years ago, maybe the success of the workouts will be too.

I think that's part of my biggest problem these days - and Matt's, too. He regained a few pounds after Noah was born (and he left his job, and we moved, and he became a full-time stay at home dad - busy year of changes for him, too) - he's still under 200, he has managed to stay pretty active and keep his weight in control. But he's still not thrilled and wants to get back to where he was right before Noah was born, about 15 pounds lighter.

The problem that we're both having is that we know what has worked for us in the past, and so we try to replicate the conditions - except that now, the conditions in our lives are entirely different. He's not sleeping days and working overnight, so he needs to re-adapt to eating actual meals at normal times, not just a cup of yogurt here and some nuts a little while later and a granola bar after that. Likewise, I am coming to terms that the 2 hours (commuting time included) I devoted nightly to working out - yeah, that's not going to happen again any time soon. I'm working full-time, on top of being a mom who is trying to nurse her infant and a new wife trying to make sure her relationship is strong while we adapt to our new life, together, in a place we've never so much as visited let alone ever thought we'd live. 

My weight is somewhere in the middle of my mind right now. I am, of course, aware of it at all times, and thinking often about what I can and should be doing differently. I wish it were at the front, that it could get my full attention like it did in the past.

It's not like it was. But that's a good thing, too. We're learning, we're adapting, and we're figuring out how to succeed where we are with what we have and who we have become. "New" isn't bad. It's just different.

Speaking of our infant ... the little nugget turned 5 months old this week.


I can't believe how fast time is flying by. Last night, we met with a lactation consultant a few towns away to address some issues and concerns I had. I'm in a local La Leche League group on Facebook, and someone had been posting a lot of information on tongue and lip tie awareness, and when I was looking at Noah's mouth to see if his teeth had made any progress, I realized his mouth looked a lot like that of the baby in the pictures. Reading up on the symptoms, almost every single one described us - besides the visual, he has had trouble nursing, I've had a low milk supply, and he has never really stuck out his tongue. When he smiles, his top lip doesn't really go up at all. At 5 months old, he still nurses/takes small bottles every 1.5-2 hours - which is exhausting, especially when you have to plan your weekend activities around making sure you can not only nurse him but pump enough for work the next week.

A quick look and a feel, and the consultant confirmed that Noah not only has the lip tie but also a tongue tie, and they're both pretty bad. It was a frustrating diagnosis - especially because we had asked the lactation consultant at the hospital right after he was born. He'd had a little trouble latching on, and she said it was a problem with my body, that he didn't have a tongue tie. We had her specifically check, because Matt also had one when he was born, and apparently they're genetic.

She said he'll need surgery, at which point I started crying. Just overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions. I feel like a failure - I must have done something during pregnancy, I couldn't make my baby right. I am ashamed - I was unemployed in Chicago and going to a low-income clinic, so of course I got what I paid for and the ties weren't caught when we had them check right after he was born. I feel worried - my little tiny 14 pound turkey of a baby was going to need surgery. And I feel guilty - all these times when I got frustrated with him for letting go of the latch while I was nursing, or for the jeez-you-want-to-nurse-again-I-just-fed-you-an-hour-ago growls. He was struggling, and I now feel selfish and guilty.

Of course, there's a small bit of relief in there, too. We finally know why I can barely pump any milk, between the lip and tongue issues preventing him from properly suckling and the breast pump I was using being not appropriate for our needs. But overall, I'm feeling very anxious and nervous. We finally have insurance, but they won't cover the hospital-grade pump we need. They didn't cover the meeting with the lactation consultant, either. I'm praying they cover the surgery at least.

I woke up at 3 a.m. with Noah and he dozed back to sleep after nursing, while I stayed in bed biting my nails and overthinking everything for another couple of hours.

I need to figure so many things out. How to fix my baby's mouth, how to get this expensive pump, how to build up my supply, how to get my work done on time, how to not be exhausted just thinking about things, how to eat normally, how to make time for exercise, how to find time to breathe once in a while.