July 19, 2013

Roses and thorns

I'll just come right out with it: as of writing this post, I still haven't heard about the job. I'm still hopeful, but increasingly anxious. I'm hoping that no news is good news - if I didn't get it, I'd find out right away, right? Processing paperwork makes it take longer, not to mention that hiring at a university has many steps to it (approval by the Dean, cleared through human resources, etc.). So I haven't given up hope just yet.

That said, I spent all week neurotically checking my e-mail, hoping for something - anything! Not a peep out of them. Matt and I both said that waiting on the job news is a lot like waiting for Noah again: with no set arrival date or time, you just wait and anticipate the craziness that follows once things get rolling. If I don't hear by, say, Wednesday of next week, I'm probably going to contact them. I don't want to appear overanxious (I am, of course - I just don't want them to know how bad!), but I also want them to know I am entirely interested in the position and want to get the ball rolling so we can start planning a move that's getting more and more last minute as the days go by. It's an odd situation.

The stress and anxiety made this a very tough week for me food-wise - I thought about a binge every single day. To be honest, what kept me from doing it (besides the thought of walking to and from the grocery store in 95ยบ heat) was knowing I needed to share my weigh-in today, and I wanted it to be a good one. It's not the best reason, but this week, it was what I had to work with.

And it worked. I'm down another 2 pounds this week, to 256. 46 more pounds to my pre-pregnancy weight, and 11 more to my 100 pound milestone. I definitely feel better reporting a loss than I would have felt eating pizza and crying about the silly job situation. Even if I didn't have a loss to share, I would feel better knowing I had done my best and ate normally, no binges.

This week, I hope it cools down a little - when I finally hear from the school, I'm going to need to take a relaxing walk in either case: either in preparation for a big transition, or to stay calm and think about what our next step is, what any other options may be. I'm really, really hoping it's the former - as crazy as it would be to need to pack up and move out-of-state in three weeks, it's also kind of exhilarating. As great as it will feel to make money again, I'm most excited for getting back to the career I love so deeply - that's worth a few weeks of craziness and running around. Plus, if you recall, two years ago when I moved to California for a job, I had a week's notice - I got the job Monday, we left Thursday morning, and I was at mandatory training the following Monday. Three weeks would be glorious!

What about you? How do you pass the time while waiting for big things - without eating?

July 15, 2013

Okay, sort of

Today I had my final appointment with Tracy, the midwife I worked with during my pregnancy. It was bittersweet - as glad as I am to have Noah here and to have regained a feeling of control over my body, I absolutely loved Tracy and I had an incredible birthing experience, so it was a tough goodbye.

As for the medical whatnot, everything was great. My blood pressure was back to my healthy, normal pre-delivery level, and my weight was down nearly 30 pounds. My hemoglobin was slightly lower than normal, but not of major concern - just keep taking vitamins and up the intake of iron-rich foods like dark, leafy greens. The muscles in my abdomen are right back where they were before they spread apart to make room for Noah, and all the lady bits are right as they should be.

Finally, the moment I'd been waiting for.

So, can I run?

And I got the answer I was hoping for, sort of.

Yes, sort of.

Basically, she said it would be fine to run again, but with the caveat that I don't overdo it in an attempt to lose weight too quickly. If I restrict my calories too much, or if I burn too many and don't eat enough back, my body's ability to make milk will suffer.

She's right to express concern. Tracy knows my history with disordered eating, and she knows that my biggest concerns at my prenatal checkups were first, the baby's healthy, and second, how soon I would be able to get back to losing weight.

That said, though, Noah's health and well-being are absolutely my top priorities, and making sure he is properly nourished is more important to me than getting back to onederland or running another half marathon. I'm trying my best right now to both listen to my body and use what I have learned about eating well and exercising to find the best of both worlds: keeping me *and* my baby in our best health.

When I start to run again, my goal is just to be able to run. I'd like to run races again, of course, but I'd only consider a 5, 8, or 10K race for the next six months or so. Anything longer than 10K and I would need to supplement with a Gu or some kind of energy gel - that, I would say, is too much for now. Plus, looking back on my experience with longer distance training, I always struggled with weight loss during those periods. It was too hard to find a good balance with calories in and out. At 10K or under, I can burn enough calories to lose weight without feeling deprived and completely ravenous for a day or two after.

In the meantime, I'm still walking with my little chest weight and watching my calorie intake carefully. I've been doing well with 1650 as my daily goal, and my macros are usually pretty close to the 40-30-30 I am aiming for. Breakfast is usually a 2% yogurt - I've shifted away from the 0% because the calorie difference is really insignificant (Fage is 120 vs. 140; Chobani is 140 vs. 160) and the higher fat is better for nursing. Lunch is a Lean Cuisine - I stand by my opinion that they're not for everyone but they work for me. I usually have a snack in the morning and another in the afternoon - I like mixing a serving of low sodium peanuts (160) with half a serving of Craisins (65), it tastes just like PB&J! We tried the reduced sugar Craisins and I liked them, but the calorie difference is, again, insignificant (50 cal for a half serving instead of 65) and instead of sugar, they use artificial sweeteners - which I try to avoid. Also, for some reason the reduced sugar Craisins have over 3 times the fiber of the regular ones. Finding that out the hard way was how I got into the habit of the half serving vs. the whole one!

I'm trying to get more into fruits and veggies as snacks/sides, and get away from things like granola bars, which tend to be high calorie and low satiety for me. Even with the crazy heat and humidity, I'm trying to roast a pan of veggies with dinner as often as I can - brussels sprouts and asparagus are favorites. I like roasting broccoli too, but the one night where Noah barely slept and was fussy all night was after I ate a lot of broccoli with dinner, so I can't help but think the two are related. I'm going to try again tomorrow and see if/how it affects him.

What about you? What are your go-to healthy snacks? We've been gobbling down cherries lately, the little produce market near our apartment has them on sale (they're usually crazy expensive here!) so we're taking advantage of that, for sure! They're delicious, plus the stem and pit make it a process, so I find that I'm really mindful while eating them.