December 31, 2013

Enough is enough

We're still in Connecticut. We originally planned to leave later tomorrow, but we had a very unexpected death in our family - my cousin's fiancé. He was very young, barely 30. The services will be Friday, and I think we will head back south on Saturday or Sunday.

Visiting my family has been mostly okay. There is the usual stress, the anxiety, the frustration ... and of course, the overeating. I have no idea of the damage - they don't even have a scale here. But I know how I feel and how my clothes fit, and it's considerable. Plus, Matt and I got into our first real big fight. It wasn't even a fight so much as an outburst of thoughts and emotions that I've kept pent up for months. Overall, we have a very good relationship, but we definitely need to work on communication. We both stay quiet to avoid confrontation, then things build up, and this time, it exploded.

There are so many issues we've dealt with while here. (I will delve into more in separate posts once we get home). I know we need to be here for Friday, to love and support my cousin through the very rough time she is having. But in the same breath, I can't wait to get back home. I feel uncomfortable and gross and just ready for fully recommitting to taking care of myself.

It starts today: my Whole 30. It's going to be hard - insanely so. My mom's New Years tradition for the past 27 years or so has been to make a giant lasagna - no joke, it's got to be about 25 pounds. And there's absolutely nothing Whole 30 acceptable in there.

We'll be home soon enough.

Last week, we went to my aunt and uncle's house. We had dinner, exchanged Christmas gifts, passed Noah around, and sat around talking about this and that, just catching up. They, like most of my family, are perpetual dieters, and talked about how they plan to make changes on January 1. My aunt smiled and laughed a little, then said something I felt so deeply:

"My body is aching for a new year!"

"Aching" is absolutely the word for it.

2013 was one of my hardest years yet. A new baby, a new job, two moves (one out-of-state), a new marriage, countless extended family situations on both sides. As we cross the threshold into 2014, it feels like there isn't much left of myself to give. Perhaps that isn't the right way of phrasing it. I gave 2013 everything I had, I'm exhausted - but today, like the calendar, I'm new.

I want to rediscover the things I used to love. I want to care about myself again. I want to be healthy for my family. I don't want to avoid my friends because I'm ashamed of how I look. I worked hard once, I saw results. I want them again, and this is the year I will see them.

My theme for this year: "enough is enough." First, the traditional meaning, that I've made some poor choices and it's time for me to get serious, seriously so. But also, I mean it in a way that I hope expresses that I am enough. What I am capable of needs to be enough for me. A small effort is better than none - it ought to be enough. Small losses are still losses - those ought to be enough, too. I've struggled so much with feeling like I could always do more, that I'm inferior for not running as fast or as far as X or not losing weight as quickly or as much as Y. I'm me, I'm doing my best. I'm enough, and enough is enough.

6 comments:

Wii Fit & A Bet said...

I like your interpretation of "enough is enough" :) I'll have to remember that when I'm low! Good luck on your goals :)

Erin Myone said...

I share that feeling, that you have nothing left to give. This year was very difficult for me as well, and my body and weight have definitely taken a hit because of it.
I hope this year is everything you need it to be, or at least enough.

Caron said...

Happy New Year to you and your family. I hope you make all your goals for this year. :)

Running Meg said...

Enough is enough. I will remember that, thanks! Sounds like a great mantra to me!

Jennie Palluzzi said...

Good for you Mary! Sending you good karma and the highest hopes in the new year! xo

simplexgirl said...

2014 is going to be a great year. I can feel it...

Couples having arguments? Wha? Since when does THAT happen? What an idea!