October 25, 2013

Roses and thorns

After seeing the scale jump up earlier this week, it's back down to 256 today. Not great, of course, but back to where I've been maintaining, at least.

Tonight was the on-campus 5K. Matt ran it for me, and nailed a PR - a little over 25 minutes. I can't even imagine running that fast - though really, I can't quite imagine running at all these days. Even thinking about running makes me cry.

Speaking of which, on Thursday morning, I had a pretty good first meeting with the therapist. It was about 45 minutes, and we laid out the framework of what my treatment plan will be. Basically, I gave her a lot of background, things we will discuss in depth later on.

I don't know how much of it I'll be working through here. Mainly because this isn't the private venting place it used to be for me - family and friends all read it now, something I purposely avoided when I started the blog. A lot of the issues are deeply personal - things that are contributing, I'm sure, to my recessed disordered eating habits.

Things related to weight loss, of course, I will try to share. Maybe someone will be able to find some wisdom in my journey. Some other areas, though, I'll be working through privately, and I'm sure you understand. Thursday morning, I told the therapist things I haven't thought about in ages. Things I've never said out loud, even - not even to my husband.

It's not much, but it's a start, and I'm happy to be on that road.

What about you? How was your week?


TheHouse said...

I'm finding it hard to be comfortable in my body post-baby. And I hate that I have such a difficult time losing weight even when I'm counting calories and walking.

Amy said...

It's amazing how much a professional can help you through your history and sorting it out through your head.

I had a session yesterday with the woman I call my medicine woman because she does it all. But I talk to her a lot about my body image and the issues I deal with. I finally opened up to my boyfriend about everything I've been struggling with lately (I've had chats with him before, but not recently).

Communicating it out to someone is so healing. It's the sabotaging thoughts that stay inside our head that make the biggest damage (in my world anyway).

I hope this new therapy will really help open doors and insight into your struggles and that you soon will start feeling much much better!

Glo said...

I lost a couple pounds and then went out for a big Italian dinner last night! Not the smartest, but that was my "splurge" for the weekend. Today I'm doing a walk for suicide prevention. I too went and saw a therapist for the first time on Thursday. Even if a lot doesn't get accomplished in the first session don't you feel better knowing that you're just doing something? That's how I feel anyway.

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

Even though the work will be hard for you, I smiled reading the words "...not even my husband." You have another person in your corner rooting for you!

Bethie boops said...

Oh! Man! I feel for you. I had my baby a few days before you did (May 3rd) and I'm SO SO SO frustrated with how my body has responded to breastfeeding. Most women lose weight, but I've GAINED 20 pounds. And my tummy looks terrible. I'm so sad and I know that lamenting here isn't going to help either of us much... But truly, I'm glad you are doing what you need to do to get better. I'm not certain what's on the cards for me right now, but for sure, I'm not giving up!

Also, I miss reading your thoughts on the internal battle of weightloss. If you decide to open a new journal I'd love a link. In a non creepy way of course. I don't know how much of my story you'll remember, but I've lost 50 pounds (now 30 DAMN BREASTFEEDING!) of the 120 I set out to lose last year and it's just such slow going. Partly because I live in South Africa and it's too dangerous to walk outside (and I don't have a car to drive) so I get very little activity- but also because it's a tough mental battle and that part is hard! It was nice to relate to what you wrote honestly during your struggle. <3