August 30, 2013

Roses and thorns

Another week, another frustrating update. I'm maintaining these days. I made a goal of running this week, but besides running to class, I fell short on my goal. I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm depressed.

I love my job so much. And I love that I get to come home and be with my two favorite guys. But I can't say it enough - finding a good balance (with time, with eating, with everything) is still my biggest challenge.

I was walking around the apartment, sulking and complaining about my ugly fat this and my gross fat that. And Matt stopped me, and said you don't need to be mean to yourself. And he's right. My default attitude when things aren't going well in the weight loss arena is a defeated one - I'm not losing weight right now, so I am fat and ugly and a failure and any of a hundred negative traits. I know it's unhealthy, and I'm making a conscious effort to be better about the negative self-talk. Calling myself names and beating myself up emotionally is counterproductive - it just makes me feel worse about myself.

The bad mood that I got in while hating on myself? I spread it around. I feel awful, I've been a terrible partner this week. Matt has found a way for himself to be active - going to the gym with Noah during the day and running on the treadmill, or waking up early to run on his own before I have to go to work. I'm proud of him, I really am - but all week, I downplayed it, or was flat-out negative and dismissive of his successes. Really, I'm selfish and jealous. He is looking good, feeling good, and making an effort to take care of himself. Meanwhile, I'm getting phone calls from family members saying I'm worried about you because the baby weight isn't coming off as fast as it should - it isn't coming off at all.

I need to curb the self-hating. And I need to cheer on Matt, who is always cheering for me. He was the one drying my tears all week, offering his love and support. And I was too jealous to offer it back.

I am proud of Matt for getting back into an active routine.

This week, my goal is to find a routine of my own. I want to work out at least 4 times before next Friday's update. Because this?


All those ups and downs are making me seasick.

8 comments:

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

Small steps will create a small loss which will add up to big successes, just like the last time. You're not just concerned with yourself anymore, and that's difficult. Would you be that hard on a friend? You can do this.

marisol said...

Give yourself a break. New job, new living place, still a new mom,etc. So many things at once. Yes Matt does have the opportunity to be active but it isn't because you are home laying around. You are working & providing for your family. If you are going to listen to people, pay attention to the positive feedback rather than negativity.

Sarah said...

I am beyond irritated/angry that people are hassling you about weight loss. You just had a baby (and have lost some of the weight already!), moved across the country, and started a new job. You aren't a celebrity with a nanny, cook, and personal trainer.

Wii Fit & A Bet said...

I remember the doctor saying it takes 9 months to put on the weight it'll take 9 to take it off. :( Be kind to yourself.

Jen said...

I can relate to your feelings totally and they are normal. I am very guilty of beating myself up and having very negative self-talk. I easily slip into those dark and depressing places too. It will always be a work in progress.

I agree with Marisol that you really do deserve to give yourself a break. It's been a road of change and moving, new jobs and a new baby!! That is almost too much for anyone to find balance with!!

Even if you're not physically running at this second or the scale isn't moving you are on track by making plans and keeping your health goals in mind. It would be all too easy to push that away all together.

Rae said...

You can do it! As a working mom, I feel guilty when I put all the towels in the closet without folding them-haha I do some odd things, but it works. Stretching while cooking something on stove or waiting for coffee. Yoga at lunch time at my workplace. I've had to get creative to squeeze it all in. I also save my long runs for the weekend and Monday and Friday for rest days. This helps the schedule a lot. I hate those rest days though because I can feel the anxiety in me. You've inspired me for months and months, please keep your chin up! Enjoy the long weekend.

This was a blog. Now it's not! said...

Being beautiful and worthy of self love isn't determined by weight, by how much you exercise or by the number of calories that you consume. We are all born beautiful and worthy, and, as long as we're still breathing, this never changes. Your body may change but you will be there through thick and thin, and you are deserving of love.

Jessica said...

I understand this post in so many ways.
First, I understand the trying to find time to workout and still spend time with your family. This is something I have struggled with since getting married (6 years ago, no children). I work longer hours than my husband, and spend time commuting, and some times I feel so bad to take another hour away from him to workout, even though he tells me he is fine with it. But I do know when I am working out, I am a better/happier wife. So I remind myself of that and strive for at least 5 days of working out.

Second, I totally get the negative self talk, because I do that too. And T is wiping away my tears. Remember when you counted the days between binges (Im not sure if you do that now), well I took your idea on that, but use it with negative self talk. I count the days...and I do things to ensure that I don't start it. If I am mentally having a bad day, I may purposefully not WI, so that I am not instantly thrown into a situation where I know I will be down on myself.

Hang in there, and be good to yourself!