July 11, 2013


It's been so humid here in Chicago, it feels like you could cut the air. I haven't taken a walk with Noah in a few days, with the exception of a quick trip to the grocery store the other afternoon to drop off a movie at the Redbox and pick up a few things for the house. Even that, a quick 10 minutes there and 10 back, it was tough!

It should be letting up a little soon, though, which is good. I'm gonna need to work off some energy soon.

That interview I had last week? They called yesterday morning.

My second interview is this afternoon. In four hours. Over Skype.

I'm nervous, but in a weird way. The content of the interview is not a worry at all. They gave me a few things to prepare, and I spent all afternoon yesterday working on my notes and a small lesson plan to demonstrate how I would teach a certain grammar point. That's the easy part, honestly. I'm nervous about seeing them, and about them seeing me.

I read once that when it came down to two equally qualified candidates, an employer was considerably more likely to hire the one who looked more physically fit. So, on my curriculum vitae, under Extracurricular Activities, I was proud to list that I am a half marathon finisher several times over. I may look one way, but trust me, there's more to me than meets the eye.

Of course, when I added that to my CV, I was much smaller (and thought I was huge! Oh, hindsight!). I was 50-some odd pounds lighter when I finished the half marathons. I was confident the first time I applied to a job and was able to mention my physical feats. Now, I'm worried. Worried they'll be looking me over, wondering if I lied. Worried I won't be able to adequately convey what I feel, I'm an athlete, I promise. I just got benched this year.

It's interesting how my brain has reset a bit since regaining weight. I'd made pretty good strides towards seeing my smaller body as it was. For so long, I struggled with being able to see my own progress. I would try on clothes that were, to everyone else, obviously too large. But that was still how I saw myself: 345 pounds, and limited to wear what was available in my size.

Today, we went to Target to pick out a decent outfit for me to wear during the interview. I don't have nice clothes right now - at least not for working in. All my work clothes from California are medium or large, all the bottoms are size 12. These days, I'm still wearing my stretchy maternity pants, a habit I desperately need to kick, but there's the same odd feeling in wearing them that I had when I wore size 24 jeans even though what I needed were 18s.

When I found a dress to try on, I grabbed three of the same one - XL, 2XL, and 3XL, honestly unsure which I would need. The XL fit, of course - I was busting out of their 4XL at my biggest, which is 80 pounds heavier than I am today. But my understanding of myself and where I am is so blurry.

Since the weather has been so awful, Noah and I have been catching up on chores around the house. One big task we accomplished the other day: packing up all our clothes that don't fit. His newborn things are all too small, and the 0-3 month ones will be too soon (yes, I cried that my baby is growing too fast). Those I put away for some other day - for Baby #2, or for my sisters (one sister is engaged and I'm sure she'll be having kids of her own within a few years). My clothes that got packed up, though - those are all being donated. All the long sleeve pregnancy shirts are out of my drawers. I fit in them when I was hugely pregnant. I may not be back to my "racing weight," but I'm certainly not my full-term pregnant size either.

Once it rains and the humidity calms down, Noah and I will take a walk to the thrift store. I don't plan on staying this size forever, or even for long, but while I am here, I need clothes that fit and that flatter me. These big baggy maternity gaucho pants aren't doing much for me.


Tami AKA My Kid's Mom said...

Good luck on the interview!

Alizey said...

You are a marathon runner. You no longer weigh 345. You JUST had a baby. You are a smart person who is dedicated to staying healthy and ensuring you have a promising future for you and your family. The things you have accomplished and the hard work you have put in can never be taken away from you. You will kick ass in this interview and you need to project confidence. Project the confidence you had at your lowest weight because you will be there again. You will!

Anonymous said...

I haven't ever commented here, but I wanted you to know I'm sending good vibes your way! I know how stressful job hunting can be, but I'm sure you'll ace the interview!!

Taryn said...

Yay!!! Good luck on interview part deux. I'm so happy to hear that you're beginning to find your own again in realizing that you don't have to grab from the very back of the rack. Those gauchos may not be doing you any favours but I will always have a soft spot in my heart for crazy comfy stretchy pants :)

Liz @ The Shrinking Owl said...

Clothes are such a complicated issue for me. All of mine are too big now, but I am still wearing them because I am worried that the ones I have put away won't fit. I know it's silly, but it's true.

Unknown said...

Good luck in the interview! I read your background page, and you've come so far.

:-) Marion

Anonymous said...

I hope it went well! Fingers crossed for you!

I think it's crazy these days that most interviews are over phone/skype. All my interviews last year - except for one - were over the phone. For what it's worth, I constantly received good feedback regarding my can-do attitude - heck, for the job I accepted, I basically told them I'd be there tomorrow, given the chance. You'd be surprised how well that sort of (desperate) attitude will work in your favor :)

Unknown said...

Hope your interview went beautifully!

I always relate to your posts! I still think I need way more room to fit myself thru things and I always wonder if it'll ever go away and I'll know this body.

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

I hope the interview went well and you'll be letting us know about it soon!