July 5, 2013

Choosing recovery

My sister shared a great quote on her blog the other day:
The problem is that you don't just choose recovery. You have to keep choosing recovery, over and over and over again. You have to make that choice 5-6 times each day. You have to make that choice even when you really don't want to. It's not a single choice, and it's not easy.
Marya Hornbacher
Choosing recovery is easy. Continuing to choose it is much harder. Things are still sailing along here, some days more smoothly than others, but every day I wake up to a clean slate and I do the very best that I can.

I've only lost one pound since my last post, but I'm okay with it - I had some fierce cravings paired with strong emotional swings, and chalked it up to stress related to Tuesday's job interview. As it turns out, I got my first post-baby period (I'm breastfeeding and wasn't expecting it for a few months ... surprise), so there's that.

The interview went well, by the way - because their semester will start in mid-August, there will be a quick turnaround on the applications. I'll find out early next week if I'm getting a second interview - this time on campus, so I'd be flying out there. Nerve wrecking, for sure. After the interview, I cried - just overwhelmed at the thought of leaving Matt and Noah for a day if I need to fly out, and depressed at the realization that none of the nice clothes I wore to my last interview are even close to fitting. My dad called, said that if all that stands between me and that interview is a pant suit then he'd make sure I was taken care of. Still, I hate needing help from my parents when I am a parent myself.

Speaking of which, Noah will be two months old tomorrow. (There will be a post on Kosher Lasagna some time in the early afternoon, as soon as I take his update photo!) He's getting so big so fast, I know I'm gonna blink and it'll be high school graduation. So I'm trying to soak up every little moment with him, reading to him,  snuggling him, laying next to him on the floor while he babbles and coos at the pieces hanging overhead from his activity mat. And going for walks! Lots of them, almost every day unless the weather begs otherwise. Most days we just walk around, and I point out things in the neighborhood - there is a tree, there is a dog, there is a truck, there is the swimming pool, etc. Sometimes we will go to the grocery store and pick up a few things. He is so curious, he loves it no matter where we go.

I was watching a movie or a TV show the other day (I don't remember which one, unfortunately) and one of the characters said something about his deceased wife, about how she'd been depressed even when she was happy. That resonated so deeply with me. I find myself happy with a lot of things - happy to spend days with Noah, happy in my relationships with Matt and my family and my friends, happy that the issues I spend the most time worrying about are all temporary. Inside, though, I still struggle very much with depression. I keep talking about getting help but not taking any action. When I see my midwife next week, I'm going to ask her for the phone number of the counseling center she's been urging me to visit since I was 8 or 10 weeks pregnant.

6 comments:

B. Crew said...

Most people have problems asking for and accepting help. I find this is especially true for those of us who have or are struggling with weight and its related issues. One of the best things any of us can do is ask for the help we need in whatever form. It makes you stronger. It is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength and a stepping stone to healing.

that TOPS lady said...

Go to counseling. It will help. I need to take my own advice and go too.

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

"He's getting so big so fast, I know I'm gonna blink and it'll be high school graduation."... Only 11 months away for me! Reading that really jolted me. I knew it was coming and I've said many times that I'll have a senior and a freshman come September, but reading those words really brought it home and made me tear up! It does go quickly. And all of the things you fret over daily will pass and you'll be wishing for it ALL back. Worrying about them being grown-ups and have a fulfilling life is scary!

Happy 2 month birthday, Noah!!

Amy said...

I've got my fingers crossed for you! I hope you get the opportunity for a second interview!!

I also think the counselling would be a great idea. Asking for help is the hardest step, but utilizing it can be such a life changer! We can't do everything!

Sarah said...

Best wishes with the job! I hope you get that second interview. :)

That Loud Redhead said...

Take care of yourself!!