January 15, 2013

Consumed

At every clinic visit, before meeting with my midwife, there are a few things that happen. I give a sample or two, have my weight and blood pressure checked, and answer a few questions. Pretty standard, except I also fill out a survey indicating how frequent, if at all, I have experienced signs and symptoms of depression. Am I feeling sad or hopeless? Am I having trouble sleeping, or am I sleeping too much? Am I withdrawing from social situations? Do I feel like a failure, like I have let down my partner or my family?

The goal of this is to ensure that I am neither going to hurt myself, the baby, or both of us. It's a standard exam given a few times throughout pregnancy (12 weeks, 26 weeks, and then again a few weeks postpartum), but I have to take it every time I visit the office because there's a hospitalization due to attempted suicide in my medical records.

I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned that here, or to what depth I've discussed it, but at the moment, the past isn't what I aim to explain. The point of bringing it up now is, this past Monday I had an appointment, and apparently my survey score was in a range that merited an extra discussion to clarify what I'm feeling.

I was asked how I was feeling, and above all else, if I had any urge to hurt myself. I insisted that, no, I don't - as depressed as I am lately, my top priority is making sure that this baby is safe and protected while inside me. With my midwife, Tracy, I talked a bit more about the answers I'd marked as "some days" and "most days," and I was so grateful for her understanding.

At our first meeting, I was just shy of 12 weeks pregnant. I spent a good hour or so explaining, basically,  my entire life story to her: my weight loss, my relationship with Matt, my past experience with depression, and anything else that could even possibly be a concern with this pregnancy. And she understood. The past two checkups I've had, though, were with other midwives due to scheduling errors, and the women I saw then were almost entirely unaware of my weight history, save the ten second interjections I could add between their criticisms and prescriptions.

At the last checkup, when I was handed a piece of prescription paper that said "exercise to avoid obesity in pregnancy," I bawled. As if I'm entirely unaware of what's happening and how to fix it. I'm acutely aware of my weight gain, and as someone who's struggled with eating disorders, I'm very strongly affected by interactions I have with people regarding my size. And this was an action that, frankly, hurt more than it helped.

When the woman told me my weight gain was "probably due to the fact that [I] don't know how many calories are in soda," I almost screamed. I haven't had soda in ages, and even if I had, this woman has absolutely no idea about my background and understanding of nutrition. After telling her my first daily meal is Greek yogurt and fruit, she told me I need to be eating meat with breakfast, and with that, I completely disregarded everything else she said. Most doctors have only completed a few hours of nutritional coursework; it's safe to assume a midwife has even fewer.

I explained to Tracy how I felt after this interaction, and how it shaped a lot of the last month for me. On top of feeling depressed when I look in the mirror, when I lay in bed, when I bathe myself, and when I get dressed in the morning, I now felt self-conscious nearly constantly. I don't always answer my phone and I avoid unnecessary errands, preferring to stay at home in bed. It's not thrilling, but at least there, the criticisms are only coming from myself.

One night, walking home from the bus stop, a stranger in a van drove past me, yelled "Fatty!" out his car window, and threw something that hit me in the stomach. I held my composure for the three block walk home, then shared the experience on Twitter and Facebook, desperate for people to reassure me: it doesn't matter what your body looks like, no one has the right to say or do these things. And I laid in bed with Matt, and he listened while I told him what happened, sobbing and choking on my words.

I hate this. I just want him out of me.

It's not true, entirely. I don't want him to born until the proper time, but still, I'm anxiously awaiting that day. Sharing a body is the absolute hardest thing I've ever done. Not feeling in control over my body is a constant struggle, and I do more than my fair share of crying these days. I mourned the Ragnar, cried over it, got sick over it even. I cried waiting for Matt while he ran a half marathon, getting it out while he was away so I'd be fresh-faced, smiling, and supportive by the time he was done. It's so hard watching people smile and hold hands as they crossed the finish line. I know what that feels like - I used to be an athlete.

I felt so proud at this weight on the way down. It was progress. This time, it feels like failure, and even though the weight is around the beautiful little boy growing inside me, I can't, as always, see the forest through the trees. I can't accept pregnancy and what is happening to my body. It's concerning, both to me and my midwife, who is slightly concerned that I am going to overdo it once the baby is born, cutting calories too low to make up for the previous nine months. She reminded me that during pregnancy, a woman needs an average of 300 more calories daily; while breastfeeding, however, the number is 500-800. I assured her, again, that properly caring for my son is my top priority. But at the same time, I know she's absolutely right to be concerned.

At least two-thirds of my postpartum fantasies are related to my body. I feel terrible, because Matt is concerning himself with planning the bris and conversion, and nearly all I can think about is weight loss. I'm consumed by it. I feel like a bad partner on so many levels. We are rarely intimate, and when we are, I am as clothed as possible because I don't want him to see or touch my naked body. And it's never initiated by me, even if I want to. I worry so much about myself and not the bigger picture - all I'm thinking about is "in three months, I'll finally be more in control of my body" rather than "in three months, we're going to be parents and the rest of our lives will be different from here on out."

Tracy sat me down and told me that, yes, my weight gain is more than the 15 pounds recommended for obese women. But she also told me to keep in mind that she is absolutely 100 percent unconcerned about it. The baby is healthy, and measuring perfectly average (one concern with excess weight gain is that the baby will be too big, which may lead to heart issues for me or needing a C-section for delivery). My blood pressure is excellent and my first gestational diabetes screening came back well within a normal range (I also did a second screening that day, and am anticipating results, which she expects to also be normal). I lost the weight once with diet and exercise, she knows I should be able to do it again.

The concern is, though, is that "should" and all it implies. The concern is that I won't be healthy about it this time around, that I'm so fixated on numbers this time that I'll overdo it and get hurt. That I'll fall into disordered eating habits. And above all, that I won't be properly nourished, thus hurting myself and possibly my child, and not just in terms of physical nourishment. Putting it in that perspective was important for me. I'm quite concerned that I'll pass my disordered eating habits on to my son, and with children, Tracy said, actions speak louder than words. I need to find balance again, to be self-confident, to have faith in myself and all I am capable of accomplishing. The scale showing my weight will take care of itself, she assured me. The priority right now is the scale measuring my depressed thoughts, and how to manage and take care of those.

We talked a lot, and I left the office feeling much better than the last time. Tracy's confidence in me (and utter shock and disgust at the other midwife's assessment) was reassuring. I left with her personal cell phone number in case I ever had any questions or needed any help, as well as the numbers for counselors at the clinic who specialize in both weight issues and pregnancy-related depression. Though it's only been a few days, I have felt better since then - certainly much less consumed by worries about my weight. Still, I know for the next few months, it will get harder before it gets any easier, and I'm working on a few plans to stay positive and focused on things that truly matter, both right now and long-term.

32 comments:

Candi said...

I've said it before & I'll say it now. No one, unless they have been morbidly obese, can truly understand the struggle we go through. I totally get your feelings and I know that they have nothing do to with the precious life growing inside of you. I am sorry that this pregnancy is so hard for you because you are creating something that will consume your life WAY more than dieting/weight loss ever did. You are in for such a treat when that precious baby is born. The love you'll feel is indescribable and I hope that it helps to heal some of these feelings that you're having. I know I can't say much to make you feel better, but just know that there are other people out there who totally get where you're coming from. Sending peace your way.
Candi

marisol said...

I'm glad that you found a midwife that understands and listens to you. That other one is a hack. It reminds me of the doctor I was referred to when I was thinking of having WLS when I was living in Modesto. I went to her from a referral from the WLS people and she made me feel like crap. Never had I felt like that. She made me feel like a worthless piece of crap. I will never forget it.

I know you are concerned right now with your weight. But it will come off. Perhaps slower than you want it to & you won't have the physical endurance that you had a year ago but you will get there. I think once your baby is born losing weight will be the last thing on your mind because you will be so busy taking care of your little one. However it doesn't mean that you won't run again or that you won't be in onerland soon. It will take time but you have to be patient and do it the healthy way. You want to make sure you are a good influence on your boy so to do that you must take care of you as you would take care of him.

Joan said...

Oh, Mary. My heart goes out to you. It is so important that you could write this down and share it on your blog, and I am so glad you were able to see Tracy on this visit. xxx

AmberDawn said...

Oh my god! Of course both the midwife and that complete asshole had no right to treat you that way! I hope it comes back on them swift an hard! Bless your heart Mary! Id have punched that evil woman in the face! You're carrying a miracle and your body is amazing for making it all happen! Best of luck to you and your family!

Bethie boops said...

I just want to give you a giant emphatic hug. As I mentioned on Twitter, I cannot believe the insensitivity that you've faced. I am in shock and horror that other people find it acceptable to behave in such a despicable manner.

You don't look fat. Not fat, nor terrible, nor ugly, nor bad. You look amazing. Honestly. Truly.

I felt so terrible the day you mentioned your experience. It's something you should never ever ever have ever experienced.

I'm so glad you have Tracy on your side. Someone who GETS who you are, and where you've been, while still caring deeply about where you are going.

Be careful dear one. Take care of yourself, not just because of your son, but also because of you. YOU deserve joy, peace and health just as much as your son.

Weight Wars said...

Oh Mary, it pains me to see you so unhappy but I want you to know how NORMAL it is. Even for people in recovery, people with a history of disordered eating often feel this lack of control in pregnancy which leads to lots of anxiety.

My pregnancy was tough, I struggled enormously, I wanted him out while wanting him safe, it's confusing, it's a struggle, but it does end.

please think about the post partum time. New motherhood hits you in a way you can't imagine, wonderful and stressful. If you have a plan you'll feel much more in control. You probably can't plan much for baby because they never get the memo about what we'd like from them but you can talk to Matt about things like when you are signed off as fit for exercise again, or what kind of things you'd like to achieve.

Remember what I said on twitter. Pregnancy hormones make everything seem 10 times worse.

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

Oh Mary. I am so sorry you're feeling you're feeling so badly. You have to just keep telling yourself everything will work out. Continue to do what you are doing. Remember that saying "fake it it til you make it?" Just going through the motions can help. Maybe it's even some seasonal depression creeping in and once spring comes and the weather is more conducive to being outside walking, you'll feel better about things. Just keep writing and sharing what you're feeling with Matt. Don't keep it bottled up inside. Somebody out there has been through the same thing and can give you insight into your feelings. Sharing helps. You're not alone!!!

SlimKatie said...

Mary, this whole entry breaks my heart! I KNOW that things will feel better once the baby is born, but I also know how hard it is to see that when you're feeling so down about it right now.

I completely understand the weight obsession. I gained 70 and 90 pounds during my pregnancies, and I despised going to my appointments, because my doctor kept telling me that I was gaining too fast and too much. It's awesome that your midwife is so caring and understanding!

Please feel free to call me anytime, even if it's just to vent your frustration.

Fit Mom said...

I wish I could give you a big hug right now! I was obese when I got pregnant (both times) so imagine how big "I" looked!! Regardless, you are a strong woman and I have NO DOUBT in my mind that you can lose the weight- healthily- once your son is born! You are going to need to give yourself a few weeks to heal anyways before really starting back in so you will have a chance to adjust to life as a family. Baby steps, a day at a time...try to enjoy the remaining pregnancy because once he comes, life will never be the same! LOL
Hugs again to you!

Bailey @ Onederland or Bust! said...

Your honesty truly amazes me! I think your going to be a great mother to your baby boy.
I'm not pregnant right now, but I feel like this post is exactly how I would feel if I were to get pregnant at my current weight (or above a healthy weight). My boyfriend and I talk about babies and when it will be time to start trying and I am terrified to get pregnant unless I'm at or close to goal. I know if I were to get pregnant while I'm still in the 200's my thought would be constantly consumed by gaining weight.
Again, I just want to thank you for sharing this whole experience and I'm so glad that you have an amazing midwife who's so understanding!

Sarah said...

**HUGS**

I know you will do everything possible to keep you and your baby healthy. Also, remember Matt will be able to teach your son about nutrition and exercise as well. Don't worry about passing any kind of food issues onward. You two are a parental team (for lack of a better term), and I have a really good feeling you'll feel much better once Nugget is here and you can play and exercise as mother and son and as a family.

As for that moron who threw something at you, that made me really, really bad. He could have hurt you (worse) or the baby, even. What a jackass. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

Jessica said...

I don't have any wise words for you because I have never been in your situation. But I will say that I believe in you and have for years. I don't "know" you, but I feel I have known you here well enough to know that you are going to be a great mother in so many different ways. And because I have watched all your progress, when the time comes, I have no doubt you will lose the weight that you have gained. Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

Mary, I have been reading your blog for 6+ months and I have enjoyed getting to know you through your writings. I live in the Chicagoland area and am a family therapist by profession. However, I am writing to you because I connect to your story on a very personal level. 8 years ago I lost 100lbs, unfortunately I put a lot of it back on, THEN I got pregnant (unplanned) and really struggled with the weight gain during pregnancy far more than the weight gain I'd done on my own, something about being out of control of the weight gain was really challenging, I also had a son (he's 4.5 now) and worry about my influence on him due to my habits. I've found over time that my fears and worries are not unlike most moms, even those that haven't struggled so significantly with their weight. We all put a lot of pressure on ourselves. This is not to say your fears are not warranted. My heart breaks for you hearing you go through these struggles. You WIL re-lose the weight. I am confident you will you will do an amazing job raising your son because I can tell you have an amazing capacity to love. That is truly what is most important. If you'd ever like to talk further I would love to be a support person for you. The depression part is challenging and a counselor/therapist will definitely be the greatest help for that. Remind yourself that being strong doesn't mean you feel strong going through it, you usually feel weak the whole time but you keep on going and that makes you strong! Keep doing what you're doing and making it through your pregnancy. Happy thoughts your way!

Anonymous said...

(((hugs))) my friend. This life we live is not easy. I think the fact that you are thinking all of this through now, before it occurs, will help you down the line. You know what you need to do, you're aware of the issues therein, and I believe that you will do well with it.

You have a loving and supportive partner in addition to a whole host of friends, near and far, that will be here to help you in whatever way we can.

Poison said...

This all hits terribly close to home for me. I'm sure you already read my response on facebook that I had nearly the exact same thing happen with me and some random stranger driving by yelling things at me out his window during my first pregnancy. I also can relate with all the doctor's visits though and not wanting them to mention your weight as an issue. I would have been extremely upset to be prescribed exercise, too. How awful. I would have thrown a tantrum right then and there though. It's hard enough to keep our emotions in control without another human inside of us so that would have been enough to throw me over the top. My doctor was pretty amazing and always said my health looked great. My nurse practicioner however who I had to see on days when the doctor wasnt available was a nightmare. She always gave me these stern discussions about how I'm getting so huge and need to watch my weight better. I gained roughly 80 lbs with this last pregnancy. I only gained 39 before when I started out obese already. Getting pregnant after huge amounts of weight loss is a million times different than not doing it that way. It messes with our bodies in a whole different way. I was utterly depressed and heartbroken over how bad things seemed to have gotten with my weight the entire time I was pregnant but I know that after I had my baby girl that was not anywhere near as big a concern as I thought it was going to be. Every waking moment was spent taking care of her and trying to manage the rest of my life really. That's why its taken me 4 months to even really get started working out again. I would think I was ready to start back up and tried a few different times before now but I just couldnt do it. My mind is finally back in the right place and I'm doing it now. I do still have fears that maybe I wont be able to get back down to where I was but then I stop and remind myself that if I did it once I can do it again. No matter how much longer it might take. It's gonna happen. Same goes for you. You shouldnt stress yourself out about the weight immediately after having your son. You will lose the weight in due time and we will all be here supporting you even when you feel like you can't count on yourself. We will all be here to remind you that nothing is impossible.

Megan said...

Mary, I have been reading your blog for 6+ months and I have enjoyed getting to know you through your writings. I live in the Chicagoland area and am a family therapist by profession. However, I am writing to you because I connect to your story on a very personal level. 8 years ago I lost 100lbs, unfortunately I put a lot of it back on, THEN I got pregnant (unplanned) and really struggled with the weight gain during pregnancy far more than the weight gain I'd done on my own, something about being out of control of the weight gain was really challenging, I also had a son (he's 4.5 now) and worry about my influence on him due to my habits. I've found over time that my fears and worries are not unlike most moms, even those that haven't struggled so significantly with their weight. We all put a lot of pressure on ourselves. This is not to say your fears are not warranted. My heart breaks for you hearing you go through these struggles. You WIL re-lose the weight. I am confident you will you will do an amazing job raising your son because I can tell you have an amazing capacity to love. That is truly what is most important. If you'd ever like to talk further I would love to be a support person for you. The depression part is challenging and a counselor/therapist will definitely be the greatest help for that. Remind yourself that being strong doesn't mean you feel strong going through it, you usually feel weak the whole time but you keep on going and that makes you strong! Keep doing what you're doing and making it through your pregnancy. Happy thoughts your way!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear how much you've been struggling. I gained over the recommended limit when I was pregnant as well, but the doctor or nurses never even brought up the issue once. As long as your blood pressure and diabetes screenings are fine, then you are healthy. You are right where you need to be, right now, for you and your family. It's not really where you WANT to be, but it's where you need to be.

I would definitely caution one thing. I was totally happy, blissful, excited when pregnant, and once Reagan was born, I went through two weeks of hell as my body adjusted to the rush of hormones and such. Some call it the baby blues, but it can lead to postpartum depression, which I'm sure your midwife spoke with you about. With your already having some slight depression issues now, please prepare yourself...and have Matt prepare. My husband thought I had lost my flipping mind, and I did too, and we were both pretty worried for a couple of weeks. I would cry over ANYTHING, so much so to where I wasn't able to take care of Reagan as much as Brad did in those first two weeks. I don't know if it was because I had PCOS, so I wasn't used to such strong hormones, or what.

I don't want to scare you of course, but no one ever told me how strong the emotions would be (and maybe it was just me!), and I would have liked to have known that it was coming.

You are doing great, Mary, it's so hard, but you are doing great!

Lealah said...

Oh Mary, it sounds like you're going through a terrible time of it! I know that anything I say won't make you feel better about it, but remember you DO have a team out there that cares about you and that little bundle you're carrying. Like Linda said "fake it till you make it", it seems to be the only motto that helps me when I'm battling depression. Hang in there, we're here for you!

Dana Portillo said...

I have really enjoyed reading your blog entries. While I have not had the same level of struggle with my weight, I also felt somewhat uncomfortable in my body while I was pregnant. I still do to some extent. I know this is easier said than done, but I hope you can learn to draw on your personal strength and determination to carry you through all this. It worked the first time. And you will be amazed how much you lose, even the day of delivery. And your life will be completely consumed with the demands of motherhood because it truly changes everything! But you can do it and you will do it on your own terms. You deserve to be happy and healthy. And it is good to remember your priorities and realize that a lot of people who give advice really don't know what the hell they are talking about. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, but you'll be fine even without those:)

Natalie S. said...

You're just going to keep being amazing Mary! I think it's so rare to be so introspective--when I read your entries all I can think is how lucky your son is to have such a mother!

I've never been pregnant, but I sure have had my share of bad advice/misunderstanding from doctors who think I'm going home to freebase some Twinkies. lol. Idiots exist in every arena. I'm so glad that you have Tracy; she sounds like a keeper. =)

I get really obsessive with numbers too. Maybe you could just publicly share dates of goals so that you can keep yourself accountable. I'm sure you're going to be fine no matter what, but it might help you not be so afraid of yourself.

I just want to say that you're completely a hero to me--you know this; it's why I've reached out to you. I want to add though that I'm 29 and you're only 26! By the time you have the baby, breast feed, and reach your goal weight, you're still going to be incredibly young! You have so much time ahead--do not feel rushed.

The best advice I received when getting married (maybe the best advice I ever received) was from a friend who told me that I didn't have to figure it all out in the first year--and trying to would only compound my stress. Just take a deep breath and know that you have time on your side. You're going to be spending the end of your 20s and 30s onward hot as fuck with an adorable little child bobbing alongside you and your wonderful man! That's pretty damn magical and lucky!

You have a gorgeous future ahead!

screaming fatgirl said...

One of the problems with jumping so fully into weight loss culture (dieting and exercise) is that, when normal life interferes, it can send you into a tailspin. This is something I've tried to anticipate for myself, having once weight 380 lb.s and now weighing about 180 lbs. The main thing I did was to approach what I did from the viewpoint of it being sustainable in a situation in which I had diminished capacity to exercise or control my eating environment as well as deal with the psychological implications of what I used to weigh and how I regard my body.

I urge you to strongly start looking at your life in this manner. Stop looking at your body as the center of your existence and start looking at you actual life in a holistic fashion. Yes, health is important and people are horrible and cruel to overweight people. I've been there for most of my life. However, you cannot enjoy your life if you live to lose weight (which is what you have been doing) instead of living to experience life and grow as a person. Your baby and husband do not need a mother and wife who focuses excessively on weight loss. They need a well-rounded, balanced person who accepts that there are limits to what she can do and lives a life of moderation and reasonable (not excessive) self-control.

If you can come to terms with the fact that your body is never going to be "thin" and you will always gain weight more easily due to your past weight, you may also find some peace in knowing you gained more than average pregnant women. Your body is rebounding from long-term stress and deprivation. It's not fair, but it's also not that important. You are healthy. Your baby is healthy. Perhaps some bodily acceptance therapy should be a part of your experience now.

I'm not going to "baby shame" you into changing, but it is all too often the case that I see the pattern you are currently experiencing. Someone devotes so much of their time and energy to weight loss/management and the minute things interrupt their method (in your case, the loss of the ability to run/exercise a lot), they go to pieces. You need to find a way to deal with weight that addresses it in a way that incorporates illness, injury, loss of free time, etc. That will likely involve portion control and modest exercise in concert with one another. These things can be sustained.

I wish you luck and an end to you obvious suffering.

Serena Michelle said...

I distinctly remember one of the doctors in the OB/GYN practice I went to for my first pregnancy berating me because I had gained 8 pounds in about a 3 week time frame.

What he completely FAILED to acknowledge or realize was I had been violently sick (for the first 5 months of my pregnancy) and had actually LOST 11 pounds on the previous appointment (because I was retching so much and ate very little).

Yes, I was technically obese (based on my weight at the time) - but it was wrong of him to automatically assume I ate unhealthily. He asked me what type of food I usually prepared and after indicating I cook mostly Mexican food he began to lecture me on how I had to give up flour tortillas and switch to corn tortillas... I had to give up sour cream and use yogurt instead.... No frying... Oh, and how I needed to exercise everyday, etc...

I remember calling my mom in hysterics after that appointment because I was so upset by the doctor's arrogance and assumptions.

What little food I did eat - was healthy. I did exercise - hubby and I would either go for a walk or we played tennis (early on - not after several months though). Just because I was fat didn't make me a glutton.

So, I definitely know what you're feeling from the previous midwife's comments/assumptions/arrogance.

I can also relate to the concern for your weight, etc.. while pregnant. It's all easier said than done - but the healthiest thing for both you and the baby is to not worry about the weight issue so much. Continue focusing on your continued commitment to your health and healthy eating as well as your growing little-one-to-be!

Meghan said...

I adore this post and your honesty. We have talked slightly about this. You know that my sister in law is 19 days ahead of me and I look nothing like her. I'm about 100 pounds ahead of her.

For awhile, I cried about it. I was very sad. I often felt that if we were out together I'd be humilated if someone noticed her and not me, or that family would try to make comparisons. And, you know what? I've learned that WORRY is a down payment of a problem you may NEVER have.

The important thing to remember is that no pregnant lady is perfect. You are doing most everything you need to do for your little guy. That is VERY important.

Yeah, as bigger ladies we won't look like everyone else. I get that it sucks. But, I think it's important that we do things to make outself feel beautiful regardless if the world notices our "bumps" or not. Maybe a cute pair of jeans, a top, getting a pedi as a discount school, putting on makeup and looking and feeling the best we can is important and REALLY helps attitues and confidence.

Thinking of you pretty lady. Enjoy this. There will be much time to lose the weight and get on track with it all. Be in the moment as much as you can! Much love to you :)

Amy said...

It is understanding why you feel the way you do, especially when you have gotten some pretty terrible advice from people in the medical field and harsh judgments.

I think for me, having been slowly at this for SO very long and finally having success (albeit slow), I have never felt this good.

I do not count calories. I do not obsess and when I jump on the scale now it is out of curiosity not obsession.

I can understand that race back to where you were pre-babe, but I think that if you are consistently aware and Matt is there to support you then you can certainly be success come baby-time.

I think you need to throw out the scale, weigh yourself at appointments only, when you have a doctor present to discuss your weight loss and progression.

What's been working for me? Well, first of all cutting gluten has made me realize a problem that has been there all along, and I certainly think that's part of it, but I just eat clean. As little preservatives and ingredients I don't understand as possible. I make my food, I don't buy it pre-packaged and ready. The only time I go down the aisles is for pickles, coffee and rice (and the occasional other items).

I know you've taken this approach before with Whole Foods, and money has been tight and an issue, but I think if you can try and eat as clean as you can on a budget that is your healthy approach. It's not about racing to be healthy, it's about being healthy the entire time. Your body will naturally go where it's supposed to go at the progression rate it should go at.

I am honestly getting so sick and tired of people asking me what I'm doing and what my secret is because for me, I am just living healthy now. I eat well, I eat for nourishment and take care of myself. Love myself.

If you can, watch the documentary Hungry for Change. It's incredible. It's on Netflix here in Canada.

Spoonful of Me said...

I am so sorry that you feel this way. When I got pregnant with my first daughter, I weighed 180 lbs. I gained 60 lbs. with her even though I was throwing up at least once a day for the whole nine months. My doctor consistently told me that I was all baby. This may be the case with you. I carried my weight only in my stomach and on a regular basis I was asked if I was having twins. With my second pregnancy I weighed 235 lbs and only gained 15 lbs. I never changed my lifestyle with either pregnancy. I still drank pop and ate out at restaurants on occasion.

My point is that every pregnancy is different. You are still an athlete your just on pregnancy leave. I have no doubt that you will be running and losing weight again when the time is right.

FogDog said...

Obviously I can't relate to your pregnancy, but try to keep the positives in your mind and quickly dismiss the negatives.
-FogDog Weight Loss

CarolineCalcote said...

Doctors and nurse practitioners and midwives mostly suck. I'm glad you found at least one decent one. They have crushed me so many times in the past. I'm most likely leaving the general practitioner's practice that I have been going to for the past several years due to the nurse practitioners ignorance. They are this necessary evil. For the most party they do not understand bariatric issues, and understand post-bariatric issues even less. I am a highly educated, intelligent person and this idiot with less education and a few initials after her name condescends to me on a regular basis. It's disgusting. I am 10000% sure that I know more about exercise and nutrition than she does. (ranting against that stupid nurse practitioner now)

Just remember that it's FOREVER Mary. There's no deadline. You are going to be fabulous!

Jen said...

Hi Mary! Would a regular practice in stretching be an option for you right now? If you could find or create your own series of safe stretches and practice them two or three times a day....maybe that would help you get back in touch with the athlete in you that is still there TODAY and also help you feel more love for and confidence about your body? I firmly believe your body is beautiful!

Jen said...

Oh Mary, I'm so sorry there's been so much struggle. I can relate so much to this - the depression, the feeling patronized by "health experts" the harsh reality of sharing your body and feeling out of control and then perhaps feeling guilty for feeling that way.

I am thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts, love and strength.

Ellen FatGirlWearingThin said...

Loving thoughts going out to you this evening, Mary. The fact that you are emotionally on top of this - aware of what's happening and willing to face it head on, shows that you will beat these fears. You have people who love and care about you and are ready to help you find your way through. (((hugs)))

lisa price said...

I am so sorry that happened to you! No one has the right to talk to your like that! Healthcare "professionals" really amaze me in their approach to obesity!

I can so relate to how you are feeling. I have lost 119 pounds and I am 9 weeks pregnant (with my third- thought I was done- someone had other plans) and scared to death! I have bascily just given myself a free pass to whatever I want to eat and I am so exausted that I dont feeling like running, which I was doing religiously prior to finding out. I say every daY "ok no more of this" only to keep doing it. I just cant get a handle on it and ive already gained 8 pounds.

I dont know what else to say Im so relating to how your feeling its unreal! Glad your doing better after talking to Tracy:)

michelle said...

*hugs* what an awful thing to have gone through with the other midwives. it's good to hear there is someone on your side who understands you and what you're going through

your fears are some of the things i think about when i think about what i want in my life. family history and personal history are not necessarily on my side, but i think i'll be ready for the struggle (weight, depression, etc) when the time comes. part of that comes from reading you and other bloggers. knowing i'm not alone (and i'm not even at the babies yet) makes me feel far less hopeless