To be honest, I think it's the stress of the past few weeks catching up to me.
- All the grief over my bike - the tears shed for it, and the loss of other things I cared about very deeply last semester that mysteriously vanished from my life (not to be vague or anything).
- Frustrations with teaching - namely, a few difficult students, wishing it was okay to yell "Just pay attention, jeez!"
- Going through a tough time with Matt - not seeing him for so long would have been tough enough as-is, but with other emotional struggles these past few weeks, it's been very difficult.
I've been ruminating a lot over Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages after a post on them on Scoutie Girl, and part of the difficulty with us working long-distance is that we both show love/caring with Physical Touch. According to Chapman's website, this means:
This language isn't all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face - they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.Our other major hurdle is learning to be open and communicate our thoughts, issues, concerns. When you don't have in-person interactions very frequently, you have to be extra vigilant about communicating your feelings. There's no way for you to guess what I'm feeling, I have to be open and tell you. Since we're both non-confrontational (and both relatively new to dating and relationships), this has been one of our biggest problems - last summer, and now. We've sort of forced ourselves to have honest, frank discussions lately, and I certainly believe they have made us a lot stronger. Now, to keep it up.
I've been having honest and frank discussions with myself lately, too, about my eating and my exercising. Food has been hit or miss - especially this past week, it's been mostly good stuff, just too much of it - another week of maintenance, to no one's surprise. I'm still fascinated by weighing my food, and I've also been trying to listen to body cues for when I should eat, instead of going by the clock or any other schedule. I'm in a bit of a rut with running, and as fun as it is, the Wii Fit really isn't the workout it was when I was 300+ pounds. I'm really, really, really ready to get back on a bike and pedal away my frustrations.
Feelings of failure and negative self-talk have been all-too present lately, and instead of being the strong determined person I know I am deep inside, I've let old habits win, choosing naps over workouts and mindless grazing over willpower and making mindful choices. I'm unhappy - this is not the life I have worked so hard to create. Yet I can't seem to drag myself out of the slump. I'm hoping the new bike (and restored mobility) will help me get back to the way I spent the first half of the month - ready, focused, and looking/feeling my best.