September 27, 2012

Smaller

With the Chicago marathon less than two weeks away, I've been thinking an awful lot lately about this year: how it started, where I assumed it would go, where it has actually lead me. There have been many smiles and an awful lot of tears; I'm grateful for the balance of both to keep me present and aware of how good things are, even when skies are grey.

When I stopped training for the marathon, it wasn't because I was lazy or it was too hard so I gave up. I was simply exhausted, and the thought of running 15, 20, 26 miles had me in tears. So, I found someone to take over my bib, and I gave in to the exhaustion, sleeping 10 hours at night plus at least one nap every day. And not a catnap. Like, 4 hours of midday sleep.

I still wanted to run, just not 26.2 miles. I had a half marathon scheduled in early September, so I kept running - until I couldn't. I could do three, four miles or so. But by the end, the pain was excruciating. My body felt very sore, and I found myself forced to stop. So, I found someone to take over my bib, and I gave in to the soreness, sticking instead to long walks for my exercise.

One thing I've developed since becoming healthier and focusing more on my health is a good sense of understanding. I am much more in-tune with myself than I was at 345 pounds, and I know almost immediately when something is not as it should be.

The exhaustion. The soreness. I knew something had to be going on.

I had a hunch, got tested for it, and then it was confirmed.

At 345 pounds, I was a lot of things, but happy and satisfied were not among them. I had just finished my Masters and had a great job lined up for the fall. It was time to invest in my body the way I had with my mind. I was ready to be truly, genuinely happy with my body. I was ready to be fully, completely satisfied with my life.

The last two tears have been a constant pursuit of those goals, and I'm extraordinarily pleased with where I am now, who I am, what I have become.

Since the beginning, I was obsessed with the idea of matryoshka, Russian nesting dolls. The idea that there was a big thing - lovely, but big - yet inside, you could find something just as lovely, just a bit smaller.



And then smaller still.



And then even smaller.


Now, I'm about to embark on a new phase of my journey. One that, like so many things I've experienced so far, I'd only previously dreamt of, not considered actually possible.

Like everything on this journey, it's new, it's scary, and it's going to make me stronger.

Like everything on this journey, I have incredible offline support to cheer me on and encourage me, between my friends, family, and absolutely incredible partner.

And once again, I'm finding that inside this lovely smaller thing is something just as lovely, but even smaller.


Stay tuned.

A small note: if anyone knows me or Matt in real life, PLEASE do not post anything about this to Facebook, Twitter, etc. - we're still in the revealing process and would like to do so on our own terms. Thank you in advance for your understanding!

56 comments:

Marla said...

I think this is one of the best blog posts I have ever read. Congratulations!

Kelliann said...

My jaw is on the ground!! Congrats Mama!!

SlimKatie said...

Love you, Mary! You are going to be a fantastic mama :)

Bailey @ Onederland or Bust! said...

Oh wow, congratulations Mary!! Based on what I've read, I think you'll be a fantastic mom! I hope you continue to document your journey throughout your pregnancy. One of my biggest fears about having a baby is gaining weight. I'd love to read your thoughts on this whole experience. Congratulations!!

Stacy said...

Amazingly beautiful post. Congratulations!

melanie said...

This is beautiful .. congratulations!!

Also, you're such an amazingly eloquent writer!

Eva Allen said...

What a fantastic post! Congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm so totally over the moon for you! I'm so excited to read all about your new journey!

Erin said...

Congratulations!! I am so happy for both of you!

Allison D. R. said...

From the reason Rik gave us, I suspected something... I am so happy for you, Mary. You are an amazing person, an incredibly strong woman, and you will be a positively wonderful mother. Congratulations a million times over.

Kami said...

Congratulations! I'm so happy for you, and I'm sure that you'll be a great mommy.

Angela said...

Congratulations Mary! That is going to be a very lucky child to have you for a mother.

Jen said...

Wow!!! So beautiful. So exciting!! Congrats Mary xoxo

Sarah said...

OH MY GOD!!!

I am so excited (and relieved). :) I was worried it was something really serious and got all concerned and skimmed to the end of your post.

I love this paragraph: "Since the beginning, I was obsessed with the idea of matryoshka, Russian nesting dolls. The idea that there was a big thing - lovely, but big - yet inside, you could find something just as lovely, just a bit smaller."

Carissa said...

Wow! That's not how I saw the post ending while I was reading it! Congratulations!! That's so exciting!

Kendra said...

Yay!! How exciting! Congratulations!

Shannon said...

You really are going to be a wonderful mother, Mary. Congrats to you and Matt.

Lealah said...

Congratulations!!!!!! I'm so glad it's a happy reason you won't be running with us!

Lorrie B. said...

I did not expect that! Congratulations!!

Jen Small said...

Congratulations is an understatement.
I am so happy for you xo

Weight Wars said...

What wonderful news :) congratulations. Parenthood is one of the most wonderful, challenging, stressful and rewarding things I have ever embarked on. I've never ever regretted it for a second and I've now got a nearly 6 year old sidekick. I was 24 when I had him and I've changed so much because of him.

Kim said...

Congratulations!!!

Anonymous said...

Holy wow!!! I admit, I kind of suspected this from you twitter feed, but this post still took me by surprise! Congratulations!

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

Brought me to tears. I was also hit with that exhaustion. My kids are only 22 months apart, so my son sure got the short end of the stick there for a while when I was nodding off constantly... Congratulations Mary. What an amzing adventure you are now on...

Leigh C. said...

Much congratulations your way! Motherhood is the greatest gift I've ever been given:)

Marcia said...

Congrats! Enjoy every moment and document everything! Ahhh, pregnancy... :)

aschmalz83 said...

Congrats!

Jill Walker said...

Since love grows within you, so beauty grows. For love is the beauty of the soul." St. Aurelius Augustine

Congratulations, mom. :*)

Bethie boops said...

This post made me cry! It might be because I am 8 weeks myself and I have completely identified with you on your journey. I haven't lost nearly as much as you, (just 50lbs) but I am very excited that another blogger is entering into this very scary, very exciting new phase of life at the same time I am. I hope to hear more details soon!

Amy said...

The cat's out of the bag! Such a lovely post... I'm responding to your email now! haha

Pati Haaz said...

Leigh, I follow your blog and Mary's, when I realized she won't be able to do the Ragnar Relay Race I thought (and wished) you sub for her, you totally deserve it and would be my favorite to run for her.
Congratulations Mary, you will be a GREAT mom. Raise the baby bilingual.

Ann said...

<3
<3
<3
So unbelievably happy for you!!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations! That is so awesome!!!!!!!!

FreeJulie said...

What a beautiful post. :) Congratulations!

That Loud Redhead said...

What a great writer you are. This was a beautifully-written, absorbing, and touching post, and cannot lie...I totally did not see the ending coming! :)

I also love those little Russian dolls, though I don't collect them. I had a Russian history class in college and our prof had MANY sets that she showed us. :)


Congratulations to you!! Very happy for you!

Anonymous said...

I knew it awhile back from your Pinterest activity! Nugget indeed. Congrats.

krz1211 said...

Congrats! Wishing you the best! And a happy & healthy upcoming 9 months! I'm also currently pregnant (8 weeks) and am trying to keep up my health, exercise, etc during pregnancy this time.
Keep up all you do!

Big Clyde said...

Yes, congratulations!

And I think that this is the best post I have ever read. Thoughtful, inspiring, clever and endearing.

This will be a very blessed kid.

Krista said...

How exciting! Congratulations Mary :) Funny how everything can change in an instant. Looking forward to reading about this next journey of yours!

Wallflower said...

Congrats! This is so exciting! :} You've done a wonderful job on this journey, you are very inspiring.

Mike said...

Wow, congratulations!!

h@wou said...

Oh my goodness! Congrats to you, and good luck to you!
Clever way of announcing it with the doll analogy, by the way.

Gigi said...

I was beginng training for a full marathon. All registered and ready to prep. I had completed a couple of halfs over the past few months and was working on getting faster, which since I am still pretty heavy and slow, meant a 11.5 min mile or so. I was ready to finish my last half before I started training for my full, thinking I would finally finish in under 3 hours. Everything was going well until the last week before the race. I was exhausted. No particular reason why. Then race day came. I couldn't run. I walked the majority of the race, wondering what was going on with me. I was really upset. Then, 4 weeks later, I took the same test and got the same sweet little sign! We are four and half months in now. And while I am a little sad I won't be running with my friends in January, I cannot believe how lucky I am to be training for the most important role I have ever had. Good luck to you and your new little family! Many wishes for you all to continue to be healthy and happy!

timothy said...

congrats! you're gonna be an awesome mom!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations. it was meant to be to head back home.

Taryn said...

Congrats Mary! I'm absolutely thrilled to death for you two (soon to be 3!). You will be a fantastic mom. Exciting!!!!

Sarah @ The Fat Girl Fighting said...

Congratulations!! You must be so pleased

Rebecca Myatt said...

oh_mg indeed :D Congratulations!

El said...

This post is so beautiful. I did NOT see it coming. You have such a way with words! Congratulations. I'm so happy for you.

Spoonful of Me said...

OMG Congratulations!!!!! I follow you on pinterest as well and was wondering why you had been pinning things for babies/kids.

Tammy said...

It's soooo awesome!!!! I'm happy for you!! I have never met you in person, yet I feel that I know you..that sounds weird, I know.LOL Just very excited for you & this new journey that you're on.:)

Ashley said...

Congrats!!!

Anna said...

Congrats!!!!!! I can not wait to follow your small bean throughout the next several months!

Lindsay said...

Congrats! Enjoy your pregnancy.

Anonymous said...

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

uppercasek said...

Félicitations! Prends bien soin de toi, tout va bien aller.

Running On Candy said...

How wonderful!! Congratulations!!