July 29, 2012

HDC: Day 30

Hundred Day Challenge
Day 1: 189
Day 10: 189
Day 20: 197
Day 30: Beats me

I've woken up the past four mornings at Matt's dad's condo, away from the scale, so I have no idea what I weigh right now. Since even simply walking would be a challenge post-op, we were lucky to have the option to stay at his dad's condo for a few days (with an elevator, as opposed to Matt's second floor walk up). I'll be weighing myself in the morning, and assessing what to do from there.

I'd like to say I at least maintained after my huge regain, but I'm not entirely sure that's the case. I've been having a rough week, to say the very least. Overwhelmed with emotions for some reason, stressed, depressed, feeling really lousy. A good part of my compulsive/binge eating issue is tied to secret eating/hiding food; needless to say, I certainly profited from every opportunity when asked to run out alone and grab a prescription or an over-the-counter treatment for this or that.

I don't know why I do this. I know what makes me want to do it, but I don't know why I still choose to act on my urges when I know the aftermath always leaves me feeling even more depressed than before I binged.

I know binges make me feel bad both immediately after and for quite a while following. I know my clothes feel snugger and I am uncomfortable. I know the half marathon was considerably harder to run after regaining 5-10 pounds from all my training runs.

And I still can't stop.

I'm stressed out by family things, worried about a few situations and wishing I could drop everything and be there whenever they need me. Especially my little brother, who'll be the subject of a separate post in a few days.

I'm nervous about the upcoming second interview for the dream position - I want this job so insanely bad. I want to be employed, of course, but especially here - an amazing, prestigious high school. And I'm fairly certain that a full-time, 9-5 job would help with getting my weight loss back on track - that's what worked the first year. I don't do well with lots of free time on my hands. I much prefer being busy.

I'm anxious about a lot of things involving living here with Matt - I care about him very much, but living together has been challenging. One issue we've always had is a struggle with communicating our feelings - and in the days leading up to his surgery, I got the feeling he really wasn't happy. Not sure if it was me, the surgery, or whatever else - because again, we don't communicate this stuff, and we absolutely have to. I know personally, I've had some concerns of my own. Namely, a need for personal space. Not post-op - I am very happy to be by his side and take care of the things he needs done like refilling ice packs and helping him get dressed. More generally speaking. I'm a fairly autonomous person, and adjusting to sharing a space would have been tough no matter who the roommate was, him, a friend, or a stranger. Also, his current roommate is still here for a few more days, so I've been living out of a suitcase for a month - I'm really in need of my own room, somewhere I can unpack my material possessions and escape to when I'm in need of some alone time.

One of the items on my post-returning to Chicago to-do list was to seek counseling, and I've taken some of the first steps. I have the name and number of a highly recommended therapist, and I'll be calling her this week. I'm nervous about the cost, as I am still unemployed and trying my absolute hardest to not overspend. But if I'm spending money on therapy, I won't have money to spend on binges. Win-win, right?

As far as marathon training, I don't know how I feel. We did the half marathon last Sunday, and I did 7.5 miles with Lorelei on Tuesday or Wednesday, but since Matt's surgery, I haven't ran. I might try to crank out 2-3 miles in the morning, but we'll see. I'm feeling a bit burned out mentally with training, which is, of course, not helped physically by the binges. I'm hoping to make some good mental progress during days #31-40. I need that under control before I think about physical progress.

What about you? How were days #21-30 for you? What NSVs are you celebrating these days?


Caron said...

My goodness, you have so much to contend with right now. I hope the job works out and I hope you can get back into a healthy routine. Good luck. :)

timothy said...

sending you good enegry and healing darlin, i KNOW this too shall pass and you'll be fine. you;reone of the smartest strongest people i know!i do have a reading suggestion for you it's called sugar queen by sarah addison allen. it's NOT self help or quasi spiritual it's a wonderful fiction read but mayhaps it's appropriate. i think it might help focus some things for you. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

downsizers said...

Are you getting enough rest? That can be a BIG contributor to poor eating. Sounds like you have a lot going on right now emotionally. Can you start your day with some form of spiritual quiet time? Your life is providing so much "noise" right now that I think this might help. Here's to landing that job! I'm thinking about you on this and the binge eating. Calming yourself down as much as possible will help with this I think. I know it's easy for me to say but do the best you can.

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

No celebrations here. I really did feel like crap on Saturday so I chose not to run. I did go to the gym and had a great day, and then yesterday started out great but then the switch flipped and I overate. Not much, 1/2 a sleeve of low-fat Ritz crackers, a piece of cake, a Butterfinger (in hiding up in my room). I used to be able to eat so much more, not that what I did was good. It's still stupid and utter nonsense.

LynnieG said...

What is it with 'sneak eating' and hiding food? I do it too. Don't get me wrong, I have a big appetite out in the open but it's usually more balanced food choices. When I sneak it's crappy food in bigger amounts. I'm 47 and haven't figured it out - I know I'm probably afraid to find out. Good for you for seeking out a therapist - I think downsizers is right that you probably need to quiet some of the 'noise' in your life. Peace to you, Lynne.
PS,Hope you had fun with Katie!

Tammy said...

Thinking about you and sending you energy..what I have!!;)

Tim said...

Maybe now he's had surgery, it'll be one less stressful thing for him to worry about and he'll be a lot happier. As long as you're open with him with your feelings then maybe he'll have the confidence to be more open with his?