Besides a scheduled post for Saturday, I might be silent for a little while.
Today is the big day.
As soon as this post goes live, I'm shutting down my work laptop, handing it in, giving a final exam, then heading up to San Francisco for the night. My flight to Chicago - a one-way, at long last - leaves in the morning, about 25 hours from now.
I woke up this morning and ran four miles - my last run in California, at least as a resident. It was bittersweet. I have two usual routes that I run - I did the short one on Tuesday, the longer one this morning. And it was sad, I suppose, to realize this is the last time I'll run here. The last time I'll see these paths. Even if I return to California for a vacation, this is not likely a place I'll be stopping by. This is the end - an adieu, not an au revoir - and the idea of forever overwhelms me a bit.
I have been very anxious the past two weeks - getting rid of my belongings by either mailing them out to Chicago or selling them, getting everything in order for the big day. For today. The last piece of my Post-It note calendar came down, and I let out a very heavy sigh.
It doesn't feel like I imagined. At first I thought I would be thrilled to leave, then I wondered if I might feel a little sad. The overwhelming sensation this whole week has been not that I am moving, but rather, that I'm returning home after an extended, incredibly taxing vacation. But today, all I'm feeling is just a whole-body sense of peace. California is not where I belong forever, but for a short period of my life, it was where I was meant to be.
There's a brilliant quote by Zora Neale Hurston that my sister shared on her personal blog a few days ago:
There are years that ask questions, and years that answer.
I had a intensely transformative year from 2010 to 2011, one where I lost 150 pounds and changed an incredible number of things in my life. It left me with a feeling of success, but also, with a lot of questions. What happens next? What will the rest of my life in maintenance be like? Who is this smaller girl? What do I really want in life?
Today, at the end of my ten months on the West Coast, I find myself with a lot of ideas about how to respond to those issues and concerns - as well as with a series of all new things to consider.
I'm weighing in at 189 today, which is a loss of 18 pounds from January 1, but only 3 pounds since the last time I could call myself a Chicago resident. It's not ideal, it's not where I thought I'd be. But those have been, without question, the heaviest 3 pounds of my loss so far. And again, right now, I'm feeling nothing but peaceful.