June 28, 2012

Adieu

Besides a scheduled post for Saturday, I might be silent for a little while.

Today is the big day.

As soon as this post goes live, I'm shutting down my work laptop, handing it in, giving a final exam, then heading up to San Francisco for the night. My flight to Chicago - a one-way, at long last - leaves in the morning, about 25 hours from now.

I woke up this morning and ran four miles - my last run in California, at least as a resident. It was bittersweet. I have two usual routes that I run - I did the short one on Tuesday, the longer one this morning. And it was sad, I suppose, to realize this is the last time I'll run here. The last time I'll see these paths. Even if I return to California for a vacation, this is not likely a place I'll be stopping by. This is the end - an adieu, not an au revoir - and the idea of forever overwhelms me a bit.

I have been very anxious the past two weeks - getting rid of my belongings by either mailing them out to Chicago or selling them, getting everything in order for the big day. For today. The last piece of my Post-It note calendar came down, and I let out a very heavy sigh.

It doesn't feel like I imagined. At first I thought I would be thrilled to leave, then I wondered if I might feel a little sad. The overwhelming sensation this whole week has been not that I am moving, but rather, that I'm returning home after an extended, incredibly taxing vacation. But today, all I'm feeling is just a whole-body sense of peace. California is not where I belong forever, but for a short period of my life, it was where I was meant to be.

There's a brilliant quote by Zora Neale Hurston that my sister shared on her personal blog a few days ago:

There are years that ask questions, and years that answer.

I had a intensely transformative year from 2010 to 2011, one where I lost 150 pounds and changed an incredible number of things in my life. It left me with a feeling of success, but also, with a lot of questions. What happens next? What will the rest of my life in maintenance be like? Who is this smaller girl? What do I really want in life?

Today, at the end of my ten months on the West Coast, I find myself with a lot of ideas about how to respond to those issues and concerns - as well as with a series of all new things to consider.

I'm weighing in at 189 today, which is a loss of 18 pounds from January 1, but only 3 pounds since the last time I could call myself a Chicago resident. It's not ideal, it's not where I thought I'd be. But those have been, without question, the heaviest 3 pounds of my loss so far. And again, right now, I'm feeling nothing but peaceful.

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

Bonne chance, Mary! I cannot wait to hear about your new Chicago adventures. :)

Jessica said...

Safe travels...

Sarah G said...

Best of luck to you with your move. Just take it one day, one hour, or one minute at a time! It will all work out.

LynnieG said...

Safe travels Mary. Above all - Enjoy the ride...and I mean that on so many levels. Peace, Lynne.

marisol said...

You lost 3 pounds and you wished it could be more. But what about those 153 pounds you lost prior to that? Don't forget that while living in CA you ran a half marathon. You ran across the Golden Gate Bridge. Before 2010, did you ever think you would be able to do that? Focus on the positive experiences in your journey and the hard lessons that you learned. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. If you hadn't come out here, we wouldn't have met and seen so many naked men hahahaha :)

Safe travels my friend xx

Sarah said...

Safe travels, and welcome home. :)

Kim said...

Safe travels! I hope everything goes well. :)

Ann said...

Have a safe, wonderful trip back to Chicago. Fingers Crossed everything gets worked out with your housing situation. I'll be thinking about you the next few days!! Welcome back to the Mid-west!! :)

Anonymous said...

I'm so happy that you have found peace in this moment. One thing I've found with all our moves and trying to find myself in the chaos of all the changes I've been through since July 2010, is that finding peace in the moment is critical to mental stability and happiness.

You've mentioned this before, though I'm not sure where; but the positive is that you are down from where you left Chicago. That shows so much strength on your part, to go through the mental and emotional turmoil that you've been through, and you've held steady. I know you're not proud of where you've regressed to, but one main thing to be proud of is that you didn't regress to 300 pounds.

I have said it before and I will say it again and again, you are an inspiration to me. Not because you're perfect, but because you struggle, you fight, you fall, and you get back up and do it again. Best of luck with your move my friend.

AmberDawn said...

Travel safe! I hope the rest of this year will answer the questions instead of adding more for you.

Marla said...

Have a safe trip!

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

Have a safe trip! Can't wait to hear from you again!

Bailey @ Onederland or Bust! said...

Good luck! I look forward to reading about your life in Chicago :)

Sarah said...

Enjoy the journey, sweetie! And welcome back to the Midwest! :) I am four short hours north of you.

Sarah
www.thinfluenced.com

Rebecca Myatt said...

Hope you have a safe journey and hope Chicago is ready to welcome you home with open arms!

Maggie said...

Have a safe trip and I can't wait to read your updates!

Caron said...

Safe travels and don't be a stranger. We want to hear all about your return to Chicago! :)

Jill Walker said...

So excited for you!! Enjoy every minute of your journey!!!

Anonymous said...

Wow, safe travels and may you find some new, exciting discoveries in your new location! Hope to hear from you again SOON!
Dawn

Anonymous said...

What a wonderful way to leave things!

If you did not get to Yosemite, there is ample reason to return at your own leisure and volition.

You must go and live where you find comfort and solace.

Matt said...

That shirt is fucking awesome.

Joan said...

Those three pounds represent all that you have become... It is easy to do well when all the stars are aligned in your favor. But to hunker down and keep on battling when things are rough takes determination and force of character! Bravo d'avoir négocié une année charnière avec tant de volonté et de grace. Et bonne continuation!

Book Dragon said...

safe journey

I'll still be here, lurking, when you start posting again.

just realized I haven't read an apartment update....hope that gets straightened out with minimum stress.

Bluezy said...

Au revoir et bon chance ma petite bloggie. You leave it and I move back to it. Californee back to where I started from. Living in a wooded town near Chico. I have lived in Cali a quarter of my life and now to add more to the count.

Ellen FatGirlWearingThin said...

I wish you farewell to California and a warm welcome back to Chicago, Mary. Safe travels to you. It's been a long time coming :)