February 24, 2012

Roses and thorns

You know, for a three-day week, I'm feeling oddly exhausted, and looking forward to catching up on sleep this weekend. There's absolutely no reason for it - between a shorter work week due to the holiday, and the fact that my workouts have dropped to pretty much nothing (a few days of Wii Fit, a few walks, and one 3 mile run) - yet I've gone to bed entirely exhausted every night.

To be honest, I think it's the stress of the past few weeks catching up to me.
  • All the grief over my bike - the tears shed for it, and the loss of other things I cared about very deeply last semester that mysteriously vanished from my life (not to be vague or anything).
  • Frustrations with teaching - namely, a few difficult students, wishing it was okay to yell "Just pay attention, jeez!"
  • Going through a tough time with Matt - not seeing him for so long would have been tough enough as-is, but with other emotional struggles these past few weeks, it's been very difficult.
As far as the bike, I ordered a new one, and hopefully it comes in today or tomorrow. As far as teaching, a few days of rest and extra-thorough lesson planning will help me strengthen my defenses and shield myself better against smart mouthed college kids. And Matt ... *sigh*

I've been ruminating a lot over Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages after a post on them on Scoutie Girl, and part of the difficulty with us working long-distance is that we both show love/caring with Physical Touch. According to Chapman's website, this means:
This language isn't all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face - they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
Our other major hurdle is learning to be open and communicate our thoughts, issues, concerns. When you don't have in-person interactions very frequently, you have to be extra vigilant about communicating your feelings. There's no way for you to guess what I'm feeling, I have to be open and tell you. Since we're both non-confrontational (and both relatively new to dating and relationships), this has been one of our biggest problems - last summer, and now. We've sort of forced ourselves to have honest, frank discussions lately, and I certainly believe they have made us a lot stronger. Now, to keep it up.

I've been having honest and frank discussions with myself lately, too, about my eating and my exercising. Food has been hit or miss - especially this past week, it's been mostly good stuff, just too much of it - another week of maintenance, to no one's surprise. I'm still fascinated by weighing my food, and I've also been trying to listen to body cues for when I should eat, instead of going by the clock or any other schedule. I'm in a bit of a rut with running, and as fun as it is, the Wii Fit really isn't the workout it was when I was 300+ pounds. I'm really, really, really ready to get back on a bike and pedal away my frustrations.

Feelings of failure and negative self-talk have been all-too present lately, and instead of being the strong determined person I know I am deep inside, I've let old habits win, choosing naps over workouts and mindless grazing over willpower and making mindful choices. I'm unhappy - this is not the life I have worked so hard to create. Yet I can't seem to drag myself out of the slump. I'm hoping the new bike (and restored mobility) will help me get back to the way I spent the first half of the month - ready, focused, and looking/feeling my best.


Amy said...

Honestly I don't know if all that is to blame for your tiredness because everyone I talk to is feeling the exact same. I'm usually forcing myself to go to bed at 1am, and in the past week I've been in bed before 11 twice, before 1 most of the other nights and between 11-12 quite a bit too (if you're including last weekend). Last week I didn't go to the gym at all (I think I went once), I really wanted to but I literally did not have any energy.

I love naps but I rarely take them... and I've had to many, I just pass out and wake up later!

It's been so frustrating, and I know about 4 or 5 people that have just been eating crap, myself included! It's really frustrating!

I can only imagine how hard it is to be in a new relationship on other ends of the country. I think everyone needs that physical touch, but especially in the beginning and especially when that's you're way of showing love specifically. It can't be easy that's for sure!

Debbie said...

I understand about the tiredness I am feeling the same thing lately. I think it is the weather. I love your post today and thanks for the comments on my blog.

Ashley said...

Wow, your bike got stolen? I'm sorry, but I've been terribly negligent about reading blogs and this is the first I'm hearing about this. I'm so so sorry. I know how it feels to just be stuck. It is not a fun place to be at all. I hope you can feel some relief once you get your new bike and feel your legs pumping those pedals!

As far as long distance relationships go, I was in one with my husband for six months after our first month of dating. It was the hardest, most trying time in our relationship, but we made it work as best we could. It was so hard, but it was definitely worth the tears and loneliness and aching to hold each other because we get to be together now. I hope that things get a bit easier for you both.


Jitterfish (WJW) said...

I feel your frustration at wanting to just yell pay attention. I rarely have that issue, but every so often after a tiring day its like omg you're adults not high school students you're paying to be here.

Tim said...

I've been having the same discussions with myself about my food, exercise and relationships. I feel like I am in some sort of slump too which is frustrating because I realise I am in one and cant seem to get out of it.

Maybe we could do a trans-atlantic "be good" week where we try and put feelings of failure behind us!!! hehe