December 23, 2011


I made it to Connecticut safely, and have been enjoying my time here so far. Running to the marina and to the beach, spending time with the people I love most in the world, and thinking an awful lot about my weight loss journey. Being home always gives me a lot to think about and reflect on, not to mention plenty of time to do so, so I am gathering a lot of notes and ideas for future posts.

I flew into Hartford's Bradley International Airport on Tuesday morning, and as I walked towards the baggage area where my two sisters were waiting for me, I realized that besides videochatting via Skype, we hadn't seen one another in an entire year. I walked towards them, and although they were looking right at me, it took them a moment for my identity to register. Then, there were hugs, laughs, and stories, and the feelings of familiarity rushed back. The marvelous thing about my siblings is that there is so much genuine love between us - and it has never, ever been affected by my physical body. It's just love, pure and simple.

Though I've recently made a lot of progress on accepting my plateau and not considering myself a failure, I still feel a little depressed about it from time to time. I look in the mirror and feel unsatisfied - which is strange, because when I hit this weight on the way down, it felt amazing; now, after a few months here, the feeling varies.

Something that has been surprisingly difficult since returning to Connecticut, then, is keeping all of this in mind. Because these people have not seen me in a year, the changes seem remarkable to them. The three of us sisters went out to dinner Tuesday night and afterwards I said that I felt huge, and they both said I was being ridiculous. What they see and what I feel are two different beings, apparently.

It makes me think of an idea you see often in books and movies - a character believes him or herself to be living a certain way, only to find out that the people that he or she knows see him or her differently. Am I who I am as I know myself, or am I the person others perceive me to be?

With weight loss, I think it's a mixture of both. Even though an outsider may see a 150 pound loss, I still have trouble seeing the forest through the trees, so to speak. I generally like how I look, even though I still have trouble sometimes seeing the changes in my body and properly acknowledging. But I also know that this is not where I want to end up - this is not my goal. It's tough, but it's a good feeling, I think. I still have work to do, and I haven't lost sight of that.

December 19, 2011

Heading out

Last Friday, I bought myself a little pre-Christmas present:

Glorious, no? It's something I've wanted for a while - my small one got left in Chicago - but I was waiting for a refund debit card from the company I use for my home Internet connection. Best part? It was on sale! So I got to get the food processor *and* some spinach, fruit, and unsweetened vanilla almond milk!

It's big enough to use as a blender, too, which I love. I don't really have a problem eating fruits and veggies, but having this healthy smoothie option back in Chicago curbed a lot of my sweet tooth snacking. And - I'm very excited to get back to making my own bean/veggie burgers. And one ingredient "ice cream"!

Today, I am back in Chicago - just a quick pit stop before heading back to Connecticut tomorrow and spending a little over a week there. Then, another day and a half in Chicago before returning to California to get ready for Spring semester 2012!

I'm writing this post before I leave for Chicago, of course, so I hope I made it in one piece ... and that I'm not frozen to death. I bought a hat at the grocery store yesterday since my dad got rid of all my winter stuff back in Chicago - "you won't need it in California!" he said, apparently not realizing I wouldn't be staying here forever.

(I dyed my hair pink, by the way. Needed a change, wanted something fun. I am seriously loving the amazed smile from every little kid. Child, you too will grow up and have a super amazing life.)

The Connecticut shoreline this time of year is about 10-15º colder than my part of California, and Chicago is 15-25º colder than that. I'll be running around trying to do some Christmas shopping today - at the very least, I need to hit up the Lego store and get the Death Star, something my brother has wanted for years but that I can only now afford to buy for him.

I'm surprisingly not worried about Christmas and holiday eating. Thinking back to last year, when I made myself a survival binder and started dreading heading home even before Halloween ... it was a lot of anxiety. This year, things are different. My family dynamic has shifted greatly, and I won't be facing down a big holiday meal or any baked goods - my dad is on a fairly strict eating plan because of his health problems. As strange as it will be to not have Christmas like usual, I'm certainly grateful for a few days in a "safe" food environment.

What about you? How are you planning on enjoying your holidays? What's at the top of your wish list?