i lost 100 pounds in six months with no struggles, no binges, no problems. then another 50 pounds in another six months, with some tough times towards the end. the past two months, though, i've lost and gained the same six or eight pounds. i have been taking two steps forward and one step back for far too long. and i hate it.
well, that's not true.
i don't mind maintaining, per se. i'll be great at maintenance when the time comes. but the time isn't here yet. what i hate is feeling so overwhelmed that my old habits feel like my only options.
revelation: something that got me through the first six months was the mantra that
food is not my friend. my friends are my friends.but now i'm alone and in california, and even though i'm not 345 pounds, i may as well be. cuz i'm sad and lonely and snacking on the couch, hoping to fall asleep and forget how much this all hurts.
i never believed myself to be a lady with regrets. i don't even regret weighing 345 pounds. because i learned from it all - these events and actions gave me character and made me compassionate. i became a fantastic person in spite of my size, in spite of my choices.
i have a big apartment but no one to invite over. i have a great job but no one and nothing worth coming home to. i finally got the garmin forerunner i lusted over all summer but i never run anymore due to the heat. i make twice the money i made in chicago but all i can think about spending it on is the fastest way to get back to where my heart is.
the morning i left chicago, i got an email about a part-time job at one of the community colleges i had applied to. i forwarded the info to a friend, who contacted them and got the job immediately. now they're working on turning it into a full-time position. i'm so happy for her, but can't help but feel jealous and bitter. it should have been me.
and then earlier this week, i got a phone call about another teaching job i had applied to in the city. no thank you, i already accepted another position and relocated to california but what i'd really like to add is and fuck you for not calling three weeks ago. or three months ago when i applied for the goddamn job.
i haven't been able to shake the feeling that i made the wrong choice, so i've been eating myself numb to forget where i am and how unhappy i truly am. if i stayed in chicago, i'd be poor and exhausted. but i'd still be running. and i'd still have my friends. and i'd be with the boy i'm totally crazy about. it's hard to be in a long-distance relationship, but especially when there wasn't very much short-distance relationship to begin with.
earlier this week, we were texting, and he told me that the last time he came to visit me at my apartment in chicago, he wanted to sleep with me. i wanted to, too, but we were both too shy to make the moves. if we had slept together, i probably would have turned down the position in california. i honestly wouldn't have even interviewed. i'm not sure why that makes the difference, but thinking about it all week has been devastating.
i just can't shake the fish-out-of-water feeling lately. just shaking, convulsing even, and gasping for something to save my life. i can't focus on even one day at a time - even that feels like too much.
so, here you have it. the end. it isn't the lovely successful happily ever after i'd hoped to be writing, but it's what i need to do for myself right now, i think. i don't know how long of a break i need - i can't even say for sure that i won't be back in the morning. because to be honest, besides a small handful of people offline, the blog community is my only love and support in the world right now. for over a year, blogging has been enough.
but right now, i think i need help beyond what i can get through writing.
thank you - all of you - for your love and support. no man is an island, for sure. people need each other. today, tell someone you care about that you love them. and tell them tomorrow too.