Last night, I was walking to the library - to blow off a little nervous steam, but also, to pick up a DVD I had requested ... one of my favorites, "The Purple Rose of Cairo." It's an unsurprisingly predictable favorite - a light comedy, full of intellectual romance and a pair of main characters (one a daydreamer, one hopelessly optimistic) in whom I can recognize parts of myself all too often.
Tom: I guess I have to get a job.
Cecilia: That's not gonna be so easy either - right now the whole country's out of work.
Tom: Well, then, we'll live on love. We'll have to make some concessions, but so what? We'll have each other.
Cecilia: That's movie talk.
Around 6 p.m., walking down the sidewalk in Little Italy, I checked my email on my phone, and there it was.
I got offered the full-time position.
It's undeniably great news. The excitement and nerves lasted approximately an hour, until I got home.
Great news.
But.
I already signed my contract for the part-time teaching job here in Chicago. And according to the reply from an urgent email I sent my director in Chicago last night,
"Theoretically, once you sign a contract you need to stand by it."Jason: I'm bored with sitting around. I'm a dramatic character - I need forward motion!
I'm not sure what the next step is.
And also -
I spent Sunday night at a train station, crying into a boy's shoulder as he quietly dabbed at his own tears. It's new, but it feels real and serious. I'm in the city and he's in the suburbs and it's tough when you want to spend every waking moment with someone. Now, that distance could be thousands of miles.
It feels a little like a movie, you know? Nothing seems to be going right for the main character, then a series of separately wonderful things come together, only to become a source of conflict shortly thereafter. You can't have it all - it's one or the other. I spent all summer applying for jobs but not getting answers and dating a boy who didn't love me back and who hurt me; within the past week, though, I have grown very close to an amazing boy *and* got an interview for a totally perfect job. Except - the boy is in the Chicago suburbs, and the job is in central California.
This boy isn't like the others. He didn't mistreat me like quite a few did when I was big. He didn't hit me like Jon did. He didn't cheat on me like Matt did. But I still might have to leave him. And I'm surprisingly heartbroken, given how briefly we've been together. I haven't slept with him. His kisses are mostly on the cheek - the first was on my hand. But being with him feels unlike anything else. There's a strong attraction, a chemistry I've never felt before. It's beyond anything I've known.
I'm trying to trust the universe and accept that everything that happens does so for a reason. If I don't take the full-time job, I have work guaranteed here for at least a semester, and I can move forward with the boy. But the job is an amazing opportunity that I absolutely cannot refuse - but with it comes the sacrifice of what feels like an incredible relationship. I'd be starting over completely from scratch - working at a new job and living in a new apartment, in a new town, in a new state, in a new time zone. And I'd be profoundly alone as I nursed yet another heartache.
This is crazy. But by the time this post goes live, I'll be headed to the suburbs on the commuter train. We both spent yesterday nervous wrecks; today, we're going to make some decisions. We're going to have a plan. We will figure this out.
Tom: It's so impulsive, but - I'll come. Why not? What's life without a little risk taking?
Of course, there may be nothing to figure out. I may be stuck in Chicago because of a stupid piece of paper I signed quickly before they decided to take it away a second time.
Or I may be on the road in 24 hours.
I really don't like uncertainty.