I wasn't always like this, though it also is not exactly a recent development. I think it started when I moved to Chicago and gained a ton of weight in grad school. My classmates would often head out after our late Thursday night seminars to grab a beer and decompress a little, and I always had an excuse why not to go - exams needed to be modified, books needed to be read, lessons needed to be planned. And eventually, the invitations stopped coming, because they knew I'd always say no.
I was never so busy that I couldn't have spent one night out with my friends enjoying a drink and talking about something that isn't coursework-related. I was just too afraid and embarrassed, to be honest. I feared everything from breaking barstools to getting hurt as I tried to get my large, tipsy self back home. And since drunk people tend to speak their version of the truth, if people would yell mean and nasty things at me from their car windows when they were sober, I just couldn't bear to think about the painful things I could hear in situations involving alcohol. I was embarrassed enough just leaving the house for the errands I had to do, but to go out in addition to that? It wasn't worth the pain to me.
A few weeks ago, some of my students asked me to go to see a French movie with them downtown. I said maybe, then ended up staying home and having a small panic attack over the idea of going out and being social. There wasn't going to be any alcohol, of course, but still - I felt vulnerable. What if I don't fit in the seats? What if someone says something mean and nasty to me and my students hear it? It's illogical, I know it is. But these thoughts pop up all too frequently. I don't want to get hurt, so I don't take any risks.
Obesity was a shield for me for far too long. Ironically, it was the reason why I had so many fears in the first place, but it also provided me with an oddly comforting place to hide from facing them. I'm still obese, and I'm making progress to fix that - but I need to work just as much on facing my fears as I do with staying active and watching what I eat. Truly living life requires a little risk taking. I'm not sure of the source, but there's this quote that I love: A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for.
Tonight, my students are going out again, and this time, I will be going with them. I have all day to brace myself and do whatever I need to do in order to get ready, but I have committed to this - not to them, to myself. I want to see this movie. I want to support my amazing students while they do exactly what every teacher dreams of - truly love, enjoy, and seek the material outside of class. And I want to live my life fully, in spite of the risks and possibilities.
