
After hours of intense worry and nervous nail biting, I made a decision. I did not accompany my students to the film center, but rather, I spent the evening doing dishes and playing online Scrabble - some of the same solitary activities that completely made up my life a few months ago. I'm ashamed, and I'm already dreading their reactions on Tuesday. It's not that I didn't want to go, but that I felt physically unable to. Something was holding me back. The thought of going made my stomach turn and filled me with anxiety.
I'm in a really bad funk right now. It's strange because I'm still eating well and exercising, but it feels like my emotional progress is relapsing. My social anxieties are creeping back - I was honestly shaking on the bus yesterday afternoon while thinking about going downtown for the movie, and I've already tried talking myself out of going to the zoo today. It's a free zoo, in a great city, on what looks like it will be a lovely day. So why am I stalling?
This past week was extra tough for a couple of reasons. First, because of my father's health situation and how closely related my body and self-image issues are to my relationship with my family.

And second, because over the past week or so, my best friend Jill and I have spent an awful lot of time reminiscing over old photos of our trip to Paris in March 2008, and I can't help but get very sad when looking at those pictures. Or any pictures of myself, my friends, and my family, to be honest. The last time I got in a funk like this was right before my birthday in November (remember when I broke down crying in the middle of an Apple store?), so I think it may again have something to do with physical body transitioning. My figure is constantly changing but I don't usually notice, so every now and then it catches up to me and I have a hard time recognizing myself. I only feel like the same person when I close my eyes and relax my limbs so that I cannot connect my emotional feelings to my physical ones. I look at these old pictures, and I don't recognize that girl anymore - yet I am not quite sure who the girl in the mirror is, either. I'm not with my friends, I'm not with my family, and I'm somehow not even with myself.

I'm sure the feelings brought on by the latter reason are a little exaggerated because of those related to the former one, but still, these are concerns of mine in the back of my head right now. In the front of my mind, though, I know what I need to do. I cannot stop. I cannot backpedal. I can't let situational depression win. I can't revert to what used to be familiar just because I'm horribly lonely right now and aching to feel connected to my family and friends.
Even though braving the zoo feels incredibly difficult right now, I know it's exactly what I need. I think need to treat this little trip like a long run: yes, it's going to be tough. Yes, I'm going to want to dig in my heels and mentally resist a little. But I need to understand that it will be satisfying - crank up the tunes and just power through it if I must. I need to trust that afterwards I will feel refreshed and glad that I did it.
Accountability check: tomorrow, with my weekly recipe, there *will* be zoo pictures on this blog. That is a promise!