December 23, 2011

Perception

I made it to Connecticut safely, and have been enjoying my time here so far. Running to the marina and to the beach, spending time with the people I love most in the world, and thinking an awful lot about my weight loss journey. Being home always gives me a lot to think about and reflect on, not to mention plenty of time to do so, so I am gathering a lot of notes and ideas for future posts.

I flew into Hartford's Bradley International Airport on Tuesday morning, and as I walked towards the baggage area where my two sisters were waiting for me, I realized that besides videochatting via Skype, we hadn't seen one another in an entire year. I walked towards them, and although they were looking right at me, it took them a moment for my identity to register. Then, there were hugs, laughs, and stories, and the feelings of familiarity rushed back. The marvelous thing about my siblings is that there is so much genuine love between us - and it has never, ever been affected by my physical body. It's just love, pure and simple.

Though I've recently made a lot of progress on accepting my plateau and not considering myself a failure, I still feel a little depressed about it from time to time. I look in the mirror and feel unsatisfied - which is strange, because when I hit this weight on the way down, it felt amazing; now, after a few months here, the feeling varies.

Something that has been surprisingly difficult since returning to Connecticut, then, is keeping all of this in mind. Because these people have not seen me in a year, the changes seem remarkable to them. The three of us sisters went out to dinner Tuesday night and afterwards I said that I felt huge, and they both said I was being ridiculous. What they see and what I feel are two different beings, apparently.


It makes me think of an idea you see often in books and movies - a character believes him or herself to be living a certain way, only to find out that the people that he or she knows see him or her differently. Am I who I am as I know myself, or am I the person others perceive me to be?

With weight loss, I think it's a mixture of both. Even though an outsider may see a 150 pound loss, I still have trouble seeing the forest through the trees, so to speak. I generally like how I look, even though I still have trouble sometimes seeing the changes in my body and properly acknowledging. But I also know that this is not where I want to end up - this is not my goal. It's tough, but it's a good feeling, I think. I still have work to do, and I haven't lost sight of that.

10 comments:

Tim said...

It's interesting you wrote about how you see yourself and how others see you.

The other day I told not to lose anymore weight because there isn't anything left of me even though I'm still not technically in the 'healthy' section on the BMI or even reached my goal.

I love the pics of you and your family, lots of smiles! :)

Christina said...

You look fantastic! I love the pictures of you and your sisters.

My mom's best friend (who is skinny) was telling me how great I look, and I told her I felt pretty fat because I'm up 20 pounds from my lowest weight. She thinks I'm crazy because I still look a lot better than I once did 100 pounds ago. Other people are so much better at seeing the long-term picture. Seeing the short-term picture is helpful, but the long-term picture is what really counts.

Hyla said...

So um, did something really hideous happen to your hair, because you still have the hat on.....just calling it like it is ;)

You look great and I can sympathize with how you feel. Im disappointed that I havnt hit 100 gone yet and Im starting to see myself as big again...
course this is also my time of the month but still...sigh

Have fun! Merry Christmas!

❀❀ Dawn (Lay Down My Idols) ❀❀ said...

I haven't had such a weight loss, but I do go through the very same feelings. I was just thinking today how certain photos were success photos a little whilte ago and now they're "fat" photos...Hmmm.
Enjoy your holidays!
Dawn

SkippyMom said...

For the life of me, everytime I see your pictures I don't see 195 lbs. Where are you hiding it all? In your feet? I can understand, since you live in your own body, but I think your sisters [and I] are being honest. You look great.

For what it is worth - Pooldad agrees too. He thinks you look wonderful. [that's my husband btw]

Enjoy Connecticut. And have a very Merry Christmas.

chubbymumnomore said...

I would love it if people took a while to realise it was me. Well done on your weight loss and your journey so far.

Mom on a mission said...

Love this post!! I have felt the same way over the years. Each time I lost weight I never felt like it was enough..never completely satisfied. That is so sad really when I think about it. Happiness shouldn't be about a number. You are beautiful, tx for sharing the pics!!

Tammy said...

You look GREAT!!:) All of you look so happy and I think that's awesome!

SG said...

isnt that the best feeling?? i dont have any sisters but i have a handful of friends that have made themselves my "sisters" .... feels so good to have some one who makes you so happy to just be around!

Poison said...

ahh yeah... perception, it's something i was just talking about with my bestie and my boyfriend. i know that other's see me so differently than i see myself and it's hard for me to take a step back and look at me the same way they all do. lol. Especially when I'm not where I want to be yet but everyone keeps telling me how great I look.