October 1, 2011


I guess the most interesting thing about my story from Friday night is that the comments about my sex life came before I finished recounting my experience. My intent with withholding the ending was partly to maintain suspense, but also because I was tired from all my traveling and didn't feel up to writing the whole story out in one night.

I said I was going to sleep with Bobby - it was our plan, we had talked about it, discussed it openly - but as I finished the first part of the story, I didn't say if we did or did not.

Whether or not anything happened between us that night is between us, and I'm leaving it at that. I will say that I stood at the door for a few seconds, looking through the peephole at him standing there, and I hesitated before opening the door. That I was excited to see him, but that the feelings I had before I left Chicago were definitely different. That I wasn't sure if sleeping together was such a good idea, since I didn't feel that same connection, or at least not as strongly.

I *will* say that we talked a lot that night, and that there were tears. We parted with a kiss and a smile and a
Drive safe, have a good day at work, and I'll see you next month.
And I spent the rest of that day wandering around Chicago, eating poorly/too much and feeling lost and alone in a place that used to feel comfortable, a place where I used to belong. It was very clearly not home anymore. I felt completely detached, and it was very strange. A month ago, these were my streets. Now, I'm just another visitor. I'm here, but not to stay.

And I thought about my summer, and my life, and my relationships, and everything else that has changed since July 2010. And how much of it has been like traveling - with everything from preparations and anticipation to the occasional mixed feelings while on the journey. There are moments when things don't go as planned and it's painful, and there are times when you find yourself in a place completely different than you expected yet you can't help but feel pleased with where you end up.

On Sunday morning, I left Chicago feeling burdened. Heavy with the physical weight of my binge - the kind of rock bottom feeling that I had in summer 2010. And heavy with the emotional weight of not knowing what to do about my situation with Bobby. We're not in a relationship, we never officially were. We said we'd keep in touch and see how things work long distance, and I was hoping to establish some clarity on that while I was in Chicago. We talked, but there were no clear, black-and-white resolutions.

I'm on a journey, complete with plans and perhaps over the limit on my baggage. I spend a little time in each decade of weight loss, in each phase of eating or exercise habits, and then I'm back on the road, searching for my next destination.

As far as the part of my journey that has Bobby on the ride with me ... I'm not quite sure where we're headed. But I'm trying to take in the sights and enjoy the journey as much as possible, and know that afterwards, I'll be able to look back on whatever happened with clarity and a feeling that regardless of the outcome, I've grown from the experience. When I was in high school, my senior yearbook quote was one that I found while reading an article in Time magazine about people with obsessive compulsive and personality disorders who would go camping in the mountains as part of their therapy. One of the campers remarked that
An adventure is something that sucks until it's over.
And that idea stuck with me. I could see how it applied to high school. And later, to college. And now, to most of life.


SkippyMom said...

Wow that quote is such a downer. I have never thought of adventure that way, but I guess it is because I am a glass half full kind of gal.

Hope you're feeling better soon.

Hyla said...

HUGS sweetie, this too will pass. I think despite not feeling clearer about your relationship to Bobby, it seems it might actually be clearer than it was.

But I am seeing it from an outside point of view and I realize you have to see it and feel it for yourself.

Did you feel like you were coming home when you got back to California?

betty said...

Sad that people judged you without hearing the rest of the story or the rest of your thoughts about it; I can imagine it would be hard to maintain a long distance friendship/relationship especially one that was so young and just starting. I know you and Bobby will make the best choices regarding it with what is best for both of you.

Life is kind of like that, isn't it? Sometimes it sucks, sometimes it is good, but it is always an adventure.


Anonymous said...

I guess I need to read back a couple days, because apparently I've missed something. It's your body, it's your friend, it's your relationship - do what ya want! :)

That quote = not cool.

Amy said...

Weird - it's like we're on the same wavelength with this one.

I totally get that feeling of things changing. It was like everything made perfect sense up until the second you see them again...

Life works out... the ride may seem tumultuous at times, but that's what makes the beautiful moments glow and shine and make it all worth while. Our whole life is an adventure... so we can't think it all sucks, or else... what's the point? There is happiness, joy and wonderful things to be found every day. There are also shitty, sad and horrible things too - it just depends on which way you're looking.

Carbie Girl said...

Youre on a journey to find yourself all over again mary. Every decision you make is going to shape your life in one way or another. The outcome of the situation isn't entirely up to you when other people are involved, but the way you handle it is always going to be up to you. Wether the outcome is good or bad, the best thing you can do is learn from it and grow. You've been going through milestones not only in weightloss but in life and youre shaping up to be an amazing strong woman. Keep facing the demons and the tough times. It will get build you up. Hugs to you

Tim said...

I prefer the quote: "An adventure is when you don't know what's going to happen next".

Unknown said...

Hang in there, Mary. There are a lot of us out here who aren't judging you, who are rooting for you, and just glad that you are sharing your adventure with the rest of us.

Pirate Alice said...

Keep living YOUR life, keep doing what you want to do, the way you want to do it. Don't let the opinions of others change you. I met you briefly and I've read your blog over the past several months and from what you share, I feel like you're an incredibly intelligent, beautiful person inside and out.
Sex is a very personal subject for everyone, and every person has their own ideas, opinions and baggage that goes with the subject. What is right for one person may not be right for another. But we all seem to fall into the Judgy Mc Judgerson column when the subject of sex comes up.
As I've gotten older and experienced different things in my life my views on what's right and what's wrong with regards to sex have changed. I would never comment on another person's actions or choices. Only YOU know what is right for you in any given situation. When others start to judge and give their opinions, do your best to read them, acknowledge them for what they are, opinions and judgements, and then go on with choosing the path that is right for you.
This is your story, your adventure. All I can do is hope you can see that it doesn't have to suck but can be incredibly exciting and fun if you allow it.

Life as a Caterpillar said...

Obviously, i am reading your blog entries back to front cos i'm now commenting on this one too.

I just wanted to say that i think you are brilliant. This analogy is beautiful , so well written and i want you to know that when you are feeling blue like this, there are those of us out here that know you are strong enough to get through tough times, and we believe that you know solace isn't in the bottom of a ben and jerrys tub, nor in the arms of a guy, it is deep down within you. You do have the power to achieve anything, as do i, and we can do this together. Write me whenever you want.

much love

ps, If it doesn't sound patronising can i say that i see me 15 years ago in you? I want to adopt you :)