September 10, 2011

why is day one so easy...

... yet day two is so hard?

i lost 100 pounds in six months with no struggles, no binges, no problems. then another 50 pounds in another six months, with some tough times towards the end. the past two months, though, i've lost and gained the same six or eight pounds. i have been taking two steps forward and one step back for far too long. and i hate it.

well, that's not true.

i don't mind maintaining, per se. i'll be great at maintenance when the time comes. but the time isn't here yet. what i hate is feeling so overwhelmed that my old habits feel like my only options.

revelation: something that got me through the first six months was the mantra that
food is not my friend. my friends are my friends.
but now i'm alone and in california, and even though i'm not 345 pounds, i may as well be. cuz i'm sad and lonely and snacking on the couch, hoping to fall asleep and forget how much this all hurts.

i never believed myself to be a lady with regrets. i don't even regret weighing 345 pounds. because i learned from it all - these events and actions gave me character and made me compassionate. i became a fantastic person in spite of my size, in spite of my choices.

but i honestly regret moving to california.

i have a big apartment but no one to invite over. i have a great job but no one and nothing worth coming home to. i finally got the garmin forerunner i lusted over all summer but i never run anymore due to the heat. i make twice the money i made in chicago but all i can think about spending it on is the fastest way to get back to where my heart is.

the morning i left chicago, i got an email about a part-time job at one of the community colleges i had applied to. i forwarded the info to a friend, who contacted them and got the job immediately. now they're working on turning it into a full-time position. i'm so happy for her, but can't help but feel jealous and bitter. it should have been me.

and then earlier this week, i got a phone call about another teaching job i had applied to in the city. no thank you, i already accepted another position and relocated to california but what i'd really like to add is and fuck you for not calling three weeks ago. or three months ago when i applied for the goddamn job.

i haven't been able to shake the feeling that i made the wrong choice, so i've been eating myself numb to forget where i am and how unhappy i truly am. if i stayed in chicago, i'd be poor and exhausted. but i'd still be running. and i'd still have my friends. and i'd be with the boy i'm totally crazy about. it's hard to be in a long-distance relationship, but especially when there wasn't very much short-distance relationship to begin with.

earlier this week, we were texting, and he told me that the last time he came to visit me at my apartment in chicago, he wanted to sleep with me. i wanted to, too, but we were both too shy to make the moves. if we had slept together, i probably would have turned down the position in california. i honestly wouldn't have even interviewed. i'm not sure why that makes the difference, but thinking about it all week has been devastating.

i just can't shake the fish-out-of-water feeling lately. just shaking, convulsing even, and gasping for something to save my life. i can't focus on even one day at a time - even that feels like too much.

so, here you have it. the end. it isn't the lovely successful happily ever after i'd hoped to be writing, but it's what i need to do for myself right now, i think. i don't know how long of a break i need - i can't even say for sure that i won't be back in the morning. because to be honest, besides a small handful of people offline, the blog community is my only love and support in the world right now. for over a year, blogging has been enough.

but right now, i think i need help beyond what i can get through writing.

thank you - all of you - for your love and support. no man is an island, for sure. people need each other. today, tell someone you care about that you love them. and tell them tomorrow too.

24 comments:

Wendy said...

Mary, I am so sorry you're having difficulties. I know you're alone and lonely and doubting your decisions. But please don't give up hope. It will get better. It simply must.

I think of you often, and I look forward to reading your posts everyday.

You're an inspiration to me. Please don't give up.

And, it can't be a Happily Ever After yet....because your journey isn't over yet. (((HUGS)))

Wendy said...

Mary, I'm so sorry you're having difficulties. Please do not give up on yourself. You've just gone through a major life transition and you must give yourself time to adjust. It will get better. It simply must.

I think of you often and I look forward to reading your posts everyday. You are an inspiration to me.

I know you're lonely and sad and you miss your friends and long distance relationships suck, but you will survive this.

And of course it's not "Happily Ever After" because your story is not over yet. Hang in there (((HUGS)))

Hyla said...

Here is a thought,

Get online an check out running groups or biking groups in your area.

What about a weight watchers meeting

call up that other teacher that lives in your complex

volunteer for something in the area

ask the school staff when the next event is and get involved

all of these things will help you meet people in the area.

give this more than the chance you are giving it.

I can understand that you are very lonely.

Do something about it, be proactive

Be a participant in your life. Stop letting the relationship back home get in the way of developing a life where you now live. that is not fair to you and you are worth it.

Stop thinking of what could have been. Make it happen now with what and where have/you are.

YOU
CAN
DO
THIS

Stop setting yourself up for failure.

Make it happen

Jessica said...

I hope tomorrow is better for you...and the next day is even better for you. I also hope you are back here soon...because the accountability you can receive here is priceless.
Be gentle with yourself...do what you can, but don't push too hard. Life transitions are hard...when I got married, I moved not even 50 miles away and it was very difficult...so I can't even imagine what you are going though.

And if you think Chicago is the place you need to be...go back. Sure it won't be easy...but life is too short to be miserable.

Donald Wells said...

Hang in there Mary.
There are over 36 million people in California, you'll find the ones that are right for you in time, and they'll be damn lucky to have you as a friend.

Lorrie B. said...

I feel like the past 8 months that the 66 pounds pretty much fell off. But the past couple weeks I have been struggling with these overeating urges. I don't know where they are coming from but I wish they would just go away.

I hope you make some friends down in California. In the mean time I'll be your online friend. Just remember everyone in Seattle wishes they were in California.

He Took MY Last Name said...

Hang in there Mary and if you TRULY believe this is was a mistake- SAVE the money to move back. Even if you have to move in with a friend, even if you start from scratch again.

Do what's in your heart. No one else can tell you what is the right move or what is not, since it is YOUR journey.

timothy said...

get dressed put down the spoon and get out of the apartment. what about those people you were hot tubbing with? call them, ask other teachers about points of interest, and social gatherings. you CAN'T regret something that never happened sweetie. being with someone else is wonderful IF you're happy and complete first but you have to be 100% able to love yourself unconditionally and be happy befopre you can even begin to love someone else. i wish you'd give it a chance before you throw in the towel. please please please get busy and keep busy and make sure you acknowledge all the beauty surrounding you. sending you love and healing energy sweetie! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Carbie Girl said...

Mary you've gone through several changes and this is just another one. You're a little spitfire fighter and you'll make it through all of this as long as you keep that fire going. We all get down in the dumps and loneliness is the worst feeling that can spark a lot of others. Whatever you decide to do, I say no regrets should still apply... hugs and thoughts to you!! <3

gs said...

You are in CA, so hit up a farmer's market! Buy fresh produce 2-3 times a week (round my parts they have an outdoor market on wed, thurs, sat, and sun), and eat it every day! There are lots of tasty veggies to snack on, even though you probably don't think of them that way: bell peppers, avacado, snap peas, snow peas, etamame, carrots, olives, squash (smaller ones are sweeter and tastier), etc. Fruit is of course nature's candy!

Snacking on fresh fruits and veggies is as healthy for you as snacking on junk food is unhealthy for you! Probably even more so!

I would even wager that if you replaced your snacking with fruit and vegs only, you would find that snacking actually makes you feel better in the long run (versus only being comforting as a diversion, while you are actually eating).

anyway, sounds like you have been making lots of changes in your life, many positive! Keep your head up and make sure you let yourself adjust and relax into each new change.

Meghan said...

You cannot stop blogging. I refuse to let you.

You are too strong and things will work out. So what, maybe you need to stay there a year? Save your money so you can move back to Chicago after your contract is up. Maybe it's not for you. So you finish the year and say that you tried. In the meantime make the most of it. Facebook people you work with and make plans to meet up. You can do this. The hardest part of my weight loss has been the area of social anxiety. I've been dealing with this lately and I've made plans to meet someone tomorrow. I'm scared to do it even though I've known this person my entire life. It's hard to explain but a lot of people losing weight can relate.

I know that you can do this!!! Get that gym membership and get your butt on a treadmill! Maybe it's running that you truly do miss! If it's to hot don't let it stop you from finding a treadmill. Isn't there one at your new place? It might be worth it. Maybe it will help.

I'll do anything to help you girl. You are in my prayers and I know you will get through this because you are so strong! It's going to be hard but we weren't promised an easy life.

Another thing..long distance relationships CAN WORK. I had to deal with one myself. It worked and I married him. Skype the crap outta your computer. Text your hand off. E-mail like crazy! Don't fight because you miss each other. It will happen. It just shows how much you love each other. It's hard but YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!

Pirate Alice said...

Mary,
Please try to remember that your friends are your friends no matter where you are. If you feel lonely, call someone to chat. Hop on Skype to see a friendly face (if you've got friends with a webcam on their computer). Do any of the other things listed by other people above. Or just go for a walk.
You are an awesome person and the awesome in your life is just beginning. Relocating is rough, but it's an adventure, embrace it and great things will happen.
You can do it, you're not alone!

Jules said...

You know, Mary, I have been following your move and lurking and trying to figure out by your pics if you are anywhere close to me. There are several good hints here but one thing is reach out to your blogging community that may be here in California and close by... I am in Northern Calif. Email me if you are close by or I can let you know of some others that are out here and may be in your area... and remember...it is about the process...

marisol said...

Like many have mentioned, don't set yourself up for failure. You lost 100 pounds with no struggles. That's amazing. A lot of us wish we could've done that. I've lost 67 and I struggle every day with it.

You made a decision rather fast but it's one that will benefit you. You are doing something you love and while your friends, family & heart are elsewhere, you will regret not giving CA a chance. Use the means necessary to keep in touch.

But also open yourself up to meet new people. You may not want to do WW but you could go to the meetings and listen to people who are going through the same struggles you are.

Hyla has made some excellent points ans suggestions.

5 years down the road you don't want to look back and be filled with regrets because you didn't give it your all.

And if you want to meet a friend, tell me a weekend when you are in town & I will meet you in SF :)

SkippyMom said...

You haven't been in California all that long. Give it a chance.

The boy you are so crazy about you only met a few weeks before you left. Give it a chance.

I can appreciate and understand the loneliness, but you aren't giving your new life a chance.

You ought to focus on the fact that you DID THIS. That it is fabulous and stop lamenting about what you "would've been doing" in Chicago.

Sorry, really, I do understand - but it will get better. YOU just have to make it so, just like you made the move to California happen.

Enjoy the choice, don't defeat it.

That corgi :) said...

been reading your blog for a bit, but haven't commented before today. I had to admire you for making the move that you did with such short notice, etc. Every major change I have made I have regretted at the beginning, always lamenting about how good it was with where I left. But in time I did learn to like the majority of places I've been at. Hang in there and do your best to try to find places to meet peoople and get connected; it won't replace your friends you had in Chicago, but it will help you get through the days ahead.

betty

wenchlette said...

We are all so seriously rooting for you, love. You're an amazing person and STRONG as all get-out. If you need a break, take one! but don't let it be an out for you to fall back on all of this amazing hard work you've done - you don't deserve that unkindness from yourself.

Local friends will come with a bit of time. <3

Jill said...

oh mary!!!! (((hugs))) you will get through this, i promise. i absolutely swear you will. at 24 years old, you are a strong, beautiful, intelligent, witty, attractive and ACCOMPLISHED woman - you have done SO MUCH with your life in such a short time and have even more in front of you!!! this is a tough time - i know, i did the same thing when i was 25 - moved hundreds of miles away from friends and family to a place where i literally knew nobody other than my new boss (who was a total bitch) - and although it might be painful right now, you'll look back on this as a period of growth. don't expect your eating to be perfect - just do the best you can and forgive the rest. it will take you awhile to get settled into your new environment but i know with your amazing personality you'll have some good friends in no time!!! boys will come and go - i know it's really hard to see that when you're missing the one you want right now - but your independence and ability to make a move like this is something you'll have for a lifetime - something you can draw on later in life when things get tough again. you are a rock star, an incredible example to all of us and i know you are going to thrive in your new place!

Cat said...

Whether you leave blogging or not is up to you - though, of course, we'd all miss you.
But I can't agree with you when you say, "This is the end". There is no definitive end - only life continuing.
I would also say that you can only really regret things you don't do.
You don't regret being as heavy as you were (now) because you learned from it. Did you regret it when you were at your highest weight?
You'll learn from the move to California too, whatever you decide to do. Chalk it up to experience.
Remember we care about you and you are amazing. Good luck with everything.

CarolineC said...

You gotta do what you gotta do. Life is going to go on and on and on and there are going to be great times and hard times. Fat or thin, that's just how it is. You are an inspiration to so many because you chose to share your weight loss journey with the world and I know that must be so much pressure, especially when you are going through a tough time and don't feel inspirational at all. Whether you are writing or not, always know that many many people, total strangers, think you are amazing and wish you the best. This too shall past. I know if you just do the things that you know are right for you that you will make new friends and before you know it you will be surrounded by people to do things with. People to run with, go out with, just hang. Going through a phase of maintenance is fine. There is no reason to rush to that goal. It's forever anyway. All your readers love you!!!!!

SlimKatie said...

I'm so sorry that you're feeling regret about moving to California. I can't imagine how difficult that would be. I'm positive that if you give it some more time, you'll make some friends and start to see things differently. My sister moved to Illinois due to her husband's job, and she knew NOBODY there. She joined a bowling league and a Curves (gym) to meet people, and she loves it there now. Maybe there are some things you could join in CA to meet people and make some friends.

Unknown said...

Sending all my love your way.

This won't be your last low. You'll fall again. Feel it. Embrace it. Learn from it and move on.

Try to experience Cali while you're there! I'm with Timothy - you can't regret something that never happened.

Shannon said...

((((HUGS))) for you, Mary. So much has happened so quickly for you. I hope that with a little more time you find the balance, and the support you need in California.

Tim said...

Everything has changed so quickly in the past few weeks so it might be worth waiting for life to slow down a bit before you think about what to do next. This whole year has been an incredible rollercoaster ride but it doesnt need to go at full speed all the time. Take your time to settle in your new surroundings and maybe set yourself a non-weight challenge of meeting new people in the area i.e. joining a club

What you cant do is give up. You've come a long way and you've faced and defeated many difficult challenges which have come your way. There will be plenty more in the future but like the others, you will find a way to succeed.