September 30, 2011

Roses and thorns

I'm down to 196 this morning, a 3 pound loss for the week. And I'm thrilled, especially after seeing 202 on Monday morning after coming back from Chicago.

Saturday was pretty much a day-long binge after how tough Friday night had been (part two of the story tomorrow, I promise), and I got back to California craving a healthy routine. I made one last less-than-healthy dinner on Monday for Justin and me to get rid of the ingredients, and for the rest of the week, I have tried to eat raw/vegan. My only off-day was Wednesday night, when I threw a dinner party and baked a vegan cake (had one piece and sent people home with all the leftovers!) and made a few kinds of ravioli, some of which had a little feta cheese in them. And even that was under my calorie goal!

If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times. It feels so good to do right by my body.

The plan of "eat better, eat less, and move more" has been suffering since I got to California, and I have slowly but surely been getting my act together. Moving more? Easy - I bike 11 miles a day just with commuting. Eating better? Tough at first, but under control now. Eating less was the last one to tackle, and the toughest - it has been so easy to fall back into old habits of eating a lot, especially when paired with poor choices. But something clicked this past week - maybe leaving onederland and realizing how lousy 202 feels compared to 192? - and I've been able to stick to my goals and not eat most of my exercise calories. I'm ready to keep moving forward, to continue on towards my goals. And, again - it feels so good.

I'm feeling very touched by all the responses I got yesterday to my question about blogging and commenting with honesty. I understand everyone's points of view, and I know that by exposing my life like this, I am opening myself up to thoughts, ideas, and criticism. I think there's a difference though, subtle as it can sometimes be, between sharing an honest opinion and proselytizing. For nearly 400 posts, I haven't had any issues with personal attacks - which is not to say that Wednesday's comment was a personal attack, but something about it rubbed me the wrong way and felt like it crossed a different line than the usual constructive criticism I am so grateful to receive.

I think what struck me most about the comment in question was the language, I guess - that it wasn't just that I am doing something terrible by not "keeping myself sacred," but she made it sound like I am going around sleeping with every guy I meet. I was upset not necessarily by the accusations, but by the idea that this is the way I am being perceived. Based on everyone's comments on yesterday's post, I can see that her way of seeing things is the exception and not the rule, which I am thankful for.

I'm not out at bars every night, taking home a new guy. I'm not sexually indiscriminate - I start seeing a guy, and after getting to know each other a little, the relationship moves forward. I know that in the past I have used sex the same way I used food - as a means of hurting myself. That is something I have written about extensively, and it isn't a practice I observe anymore. I'm not trying to hurt myself by sleeping with any guy who tells me I'm pretty so I can feel better about the fact that I hate my body. I love my body. I do what I can to honor it and treat it well. And part of that, for me, is expressing love via a physical connection with a man I am pursuing a relationship with.

Everything I write about here comes back to the same goal I had in mind when I first got started: I'm trying to find out how to live the healthiest life possible, how to figure out a sustainable way to change my habits for the better, how to open myself up to new feelings and experiences while keeping my healthy living goals in mind. It hasn't always been easy, but I knew that from the beginning - life can only be lived via trial and error, and the mistakes I make help me guide my future decisions. Buying peanut butter when I know I am stressed out is a bad idea, which is why I don't keep it in the house. Sleeping with Matt right away was a bad idea - which is why I waited with Bobby. I make mistakes, I learn from them. As a flawed but perfectly normal human being, it's the best I can do.


CarolineCalcote said...

I didn't comment on the last post because everybody else said it all. I have never had the impression of you that you are sexually indiscriminate. You are young and single. I was young and single a million years ago. Meeting and experiencing different people is what being young and single is FOR. I don't think the proselytizing commenter was being mean. Religious people see the world through judgmental eyes. It's just the nature of religion in my opinion (I am non-religious, obviously). But I think she meant well and has a good heart, although I feel sorry for her and her future husband. Anyway, you know what I think. You are awesome.

Taryn said...

My way of thinking is: you wouldn't buy a car without taking it for a test drive would you? Times have changed and you're doin nothin wrong. You are so strong, Mary, and such an inspiration!

Ashley said...

The scariest part of blogging to me is putting myself out there and getting those kinds of comments. I've been reading your blog for a long time now and I can see that you are not promiscuous in any way. You are single and dating. Sex is normal. I guess we just all need to have an open mind when it comes to reading other blogs and commenting on them. I'm a firm believer in not pushing MY religion/politics/etc onto others. I did read that comment that upset you and I think it wasn't written out of a hateful place, but it definitely came off more than a little one sided and close minded.

Mary, you are so inspirational to me. It's your raw honesty that draws me back to your blog day in and day out. For each mean or judgmental comment toward you, you have ten times as many in awe of your strength and inspired and amused by your words and story. Keep being you! :) xoxo

timothy said...

wow been gone a couple of days and i'm lost.(gonna backtrack blogs after i post) 1st how you live your life is YOUR business no one elses. we have not the right to judge one another and as long as you're not deliberately hurting another who cares. you've never been anything but a doll to me and i do so adore you. choosing when to sleep with someone is a highly personal decision and who or how many guys you sleep with has no bearing on anything. i appreciate the completely honest way you live your life and your blog. and i must admit i'm annoyed that someone judged/upset you, i HATE it when someone i care about is hurt, is it petty of me to wish them hemmohroids and hiccups? (yes at the same time!) you just do what you know is right for you and don't worry about all the rest, i do agree there is constructive criticism and then there's just plain mean. the difference is the criticism comes from a caring place. have a GREAT weekend darlin i'm very glad you're back on track! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Virtual Paul said...

I just found your blog and wanted to say you are very motivating. Wow, you are really doing well!!! Thanks for documenting your story. I am new to the weight loss community and am also blogging my journey. Stop by if you get a chance.