July 29, 2011

Roses and thorns

I don't think I could have picked a better week to take a little break from daily blogging. I've had a lot on my mind, and I think that if I chose to write on the topics while they were fresh in my mind, it wouldn't have been nearly as well-articulated as it should have been.

That, and it would have been mostly silly complaints, which I know folks wouldn't want to read almost as much as I would hate to write like that. I've missed producing daily content, but at the same time, I've been focusing on analyzing situations for myself without synthesizing my ideas into a blog post.

I have a lot to be angry and stressed and frustrated about this week, but I also have a lot to be grateful for.
  • I got a job offer from my boss at the university, but it isn't a full-time appointment - only one class for one semester (last year's contract was six for a full year). I'm grateful to have something at all, but I'm not in the clear just yet. I'll likely need a third job or a roommate, and I'm looking into applying for food stamps. But - I'm going to survive. I'm not afraid of working hard, and I'm not ashamed of doing whatever I need to in order to get by. Plus, I still have the part-time article writing job, and I'm still applying for other full-time positions.
  • After two long and silent days, Matt and I talked on Tuesday night. I explained to him exactly why I didn't want to see him anymore, and he was very sincerely apologetic. As sad as I am that things didn't work out, I'm still very glad that I chose to stand up for myself and walk away instead of staying in a situation that wasn't ideal.
  • My weekly weight loss has been a pound at best for the past month and a half, which wouldn't be bad if I was trying my hardest, but I've had a lot of slip ups and made a lot of less-than-stellar choices. Everyone's situation is different, and personally, I'm not happy with a one pound loss when I know that I could be doing better. But, positively, my mind has done a lot of long overdue catching up in the past few weeks, and my brain now visualizes myself as looking like I do now, instead of looking in the mirror and seeing a stranger.
And speaking of weight loss, this morning is weigh-in #52. One year. And I'm down one pound, for a total loss of exactly 150 pounds. Interesting, since I hit exactly 100 at the six month anniversary. My "rebirthday" is Sunday, and while I'm not sure yet how I'll be spending the day, I certainly have a lot to celebrate. I'm in a completely different place than I was last year, in terms of both mind and body. I'm smaller. I'm saggier. I'm happier. I'm more active. I'm scared. I'm speechless. And I'm proud. There have been incredible challenges and innumerable triumphs, and even though I've fallen short recently, I can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of accomplishment. I have good days, and I have bad days. But I never give up, I never ever consider it, and I never plan on doing so.

I don't know if the girl who set out on this mission a year ago would even recognize me now - both physically, and in terms of my emotional progress and newfound determination to do right by myself and my body, no matter what. That girl stumbled a lot, and even though this one does too, my new self is strong enough to pick herself up and keep going.

One year down, the rest of my life to go.


Shawn said...

loved reading this. ya know, sometimes life forces us to change lanes and those lane changes can be challenging to digest. Even with the changes, we have to remember that they are for the best, even if they are uncomfortable. over the last year you have made some major changes to your physical self and maybe its safe to say that your mental self is trying to catch up...which of course is a good thing. always remember that you are awesome no matter what! keep pushing!

Caron said...

You've certainly had an outstanding year and here's hoping things just get better and better. Ever onward. :)

Plump Nonfiction said...

One year can make a huge difference... it's amazing to see your progress!

Carbie Girl said...

you do so well writing your blogs, its a breath of fresh air! I'm glad that youre taking the time out to reflect on the positives! It certainly does help especially when so many negatives try to break in! Hearts to you!

Cat said...

Congrats on 150 pounds lost - that really is an amazing accomplishment.

I don't know if this is viable for you but have you considered offering private French classes or homework help to struggling students once school goes back or even just semi-formal conversation groups? It might bring in a little extra.

Maia said...

Congrats on your re-birthday!

150 is such an amazing, huge accomplishment and just think... you did it all on your own without surgery! There are not many people who can make this claim, especially in just one short year! It's HUGE! Even though you're only seeing one pound a week lost now, that's still a loss. You are still accomplishing something.

You should be so incredibly proud of yourself! CONGRATS AGAIN!!

financecupcake said...

You should feel that overwhelming sense of accomplishment! You are totally amazing. I know you're aren't happy with your rate of weight loss, but consider your whole self - your body and your mind. How much emotional weight have you shed in the past few months?

Happy rebirthday!!!

Anonymous said...

150 is amazing!! Congrats!

Wendy said...

I'm sitting at work, at my desk and fighting tears....what an amazing post this is and what a truly amazing experience you have had! Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

This line literally gave my chills...."One year down, the rest of my life to go."


marisol said...

Congratulations on reaching a 150 lb loss. That's incredible! Let yourself celebrate all the positive changes in your life that have taken place in the past year. You are doing what a lot of us have tried and failed it.

emily said...

Snaps for Mary! Is it weird that although we're technically strangers, I'm super proud of you?!?

Happy RE-birthday!

Thank you for being an ever present source of inspiration...even when you feel you have "fallen short".

Amanda Cravens said...

I'm excited to have found your blog and to have caught up just in time for your weight re-birth. Thank you for the inspiring last three days of reading as well as for the amazing receipes and other blogs to follow.

With things being hard recently and uncertain, it may benefit you to step out of your comfort zone more and reach out to God. This is another journey that is still really hard for me as I feel that there is no way that I can fit into the "christian" lifestyle. Funny thing is though, God doesn't judge. There is no better time for a weight re-birth than a spiritual re-birth which makes this Sunday pretty darn special.
I look forward to being a part of your journey!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations Mary, you've done so well over the last year. You're simply amazing. I'll be hoping that something full-time comes along, but I know you will survive no matter what.

Tammy said...

Comgtatulations on the 150!!!:) Hopefully next year at this time, I will be able to say the same. I LOVE the way you write! I wish I could do that. I guess I could, be even now, I have a hard time letting people see the "real" me, even people who are just reading my blog, so I keep it on the surface. You're an awesome writer and from what I can tell, also an awesome person!!:) You did GREAT in standing up for yourself! I know that I would have caved and went back with him. I'm still working on that part of myself.

Hyla said...

"One year down, and the rest of my life to go"

that is right! Sing it girl!

Weight Wars said...

You are such an inspiration. I feel really proud of you which sounds silly, I don't know you personally but I am like you but less committed and determined!

I hope to start again on Monday. New home new life, maybe I will be celebrating 140 by the end of this year.

You inspire me. x

Meghan said...