June 15, 2011

Matt (Or, My First Second Date)

Truth: I started and restarted this post at least fifteen times. Between uncertainty about what angle to take, what to say/not to say ... it's been one of the more challenging entries, for sure. (About boys, at least - and this I attribute to exactly what I said yesterday, the fact that the majority of my experiences are so far removed from the present that I can speak about them clearly and without the present possibility of change to cloud my judgment.)

I don't want to get too list-y, summarizing days one after another as if I were simply trying to document events at face-value. But I don't want to get too analytical, either - with my tendency to overthink things, I sort of want to step out of my comfort zone with this new situation and just let things unfold without rehashing every moment in my head a dozen times.

And I don't want to introduce Matt too much, because I'm not sure if he'll become a regular to the cast of characters here. I think I'd like him to, but I'm also trying to be cautious. No matter what ends up happening, though, I'll always know Matt as my first second date.

Since I started dating in college, I've been on so many truly lousy first dates. Most of the outcomes I could have predicted, though, because I tend to go out with the same kinds of guys every time: they're nice guys, but they're not right for me. But at 300+ pounds, I was simply grateful that they were interested at all. The dates were usually bad because even though I was a bigger girl, I still did pretty well in social situations, and the guys I went out with were all unfortunately socially awkward. Eventually, I would get frustrated and give up; even the most hopeful optimist can only take so much and needs a break from time to time.

So despite my good intentions and even my best efforts, I've never been on a second date - until this week.

The long and short of it: Matt is my age, a little taller than me. He works a night shift near one of the airports but lives in the city proper. And he has also lost some weight recently while trying to live a healthier lifestyle. He sent me a message on Monday that I just barely missed, and we ended up playing message tag for a little while until we finally synced up and then chatted for hours. It was really interesting, because I wasn't sure if I wanted to reply to him - he's not really my usual type. But you know, my usual type hasn't worked out so far, and this kid seems kind of neat, so I went for it.

The next night, we started texting each other around midnight and didn't stop until eight or so hours later, when we had decided a short while earlier to meet at a diner halfway between us for breakfast. There were chocolate chip pancakes, good conversation, and great chemistry. (My own version of one of the greatest scenes from "Elizabethtown," only we didn't peak on the phone. Perfection.)

Like most people I know, he teased me at how few recent movies I've seen, and we decided to go back to his apartment and watch one. He didn't make a single move for most of the movie, save the last fifteen minutes or so when he held my hand; given my past experiences with guys, this was unbelievable to me. Having stayed up all night, we were both a little sleepy by the end, and we snuggled up a little. It was very sweet, and besides a little kissing, nothing physical happened. It was unreal.

We hung out for a few hours, and then he had to drive to Milwaukee with a friend since they had tickets to a baseball game. After the game, he drove back to the city and dropped off his friend ... then came to my place to hang out again. We put in a movie but it was late and we were dozing off, so we went to lay down for a while - which, of course, led to more kissing ... and whatnot.

I'll interrupt the story here to give away a bit of the ending: I've seen him four times, and I still haven't had sex with him. This is a lot of dates for one week, true, but he's fun to hang out with and he likes being with me, so I'm going with it for now. Personally, the more surprising thing is that we haven't slept together yet because my experience thus far has been with guys who are real jerks, who try to grab you within the first ten minutes of the date, and I've always let them because I just wanted to feel powerful, lovely, and desired. So, multiple dates with no sex just yet? This is unexplored territory for me in so many ways.

That said, the rest of our dates have generally been more of the same: we go out for breakfast or lunch, we talk a lot, we snuggle up and then fool around a bit, and end up talking some more. I've made good decisions in the restaurants as well as back at his place or mine, I think - everything is as healthy as possible for the situation, and I'm not feeling guilty or obsessive about any of it.

I don't know what's going to happen or if anything will happen with this guy - we have a lot in common, with a few quirky differences for both parties - but no matter what happens next, I've appreciated all that's happened so far. It's been so nice to not feel so alone, to go out with someone and have a conversation, to have him hug me and feel small for the first time in my life because his arms go all the way around me and then some. The stressors in my life are definitely still here and are making me as anxious as ever, but it's nice to put them on the back burner for a few hours and just focus on that which is currently pretty darn good.

What about you? What are some healthy date ideas - active (non-movie) dates, healthy things to cook, etc?


Amy Benitez said...

Chocolate chip pancakes at a diner after staying up all night talking? That's the most casually romantic thing EVER. Way to go! :)

Amy said...

This makes me sooooo excited for you!!! YAY!!!

Go for a hike, walk, museums! Cooking together is an awesome date idea too, find out what types of foods he likes and put him to work as your sous chef on one of your favourite recipes!

aschmalz83 said...

He sounds like a really nice, decent guy! I'm really happy & excited for you.

Some date ideas. . . hmm... go for a walk, bike ride, bowling, roller blading, go to the zoo . . .

Charlotte said...

Do you have walking trails in your area? It`s always pleasant to walk and then have a picnic...
On a side note, I think «waiting» with your boyfriend is a good sign. It gives you a chance to get to know the person. With my boyfriend, we waited a month and a half (while friends were saying, hey what are you guys waiting for?), had a lot of dates, and one day, it happened and it was the right time.
Good luck with him, and enjoy !

Jessica said...

Sounds very nice.

My hubby was nothing like the other guys I had dated (definitely not "my type") and honestly I wasn't sure about dating him, but now I couldn't be happier!

Christie Farrar said...

Mary- I dated lots of guys and had sex with them right away. It was awful. I didn't know anything about these people. It ended badly each time.

When I met my husband, I was determined not to sleep with him, despite the fact that he was by far the most attractive of any of the guys I had met or dated. We waited 4 whole months after we started dating, and even discovered we loved one another during that time and STILL didn't have sex. Frustrating, yes. Rewarding? You bet.

So take it slow, much slower. Go at least 3 months. You will be surprised at how much you learn about Matt and wonder if he is really the right one for you.

Congrats, he seems like a nice guy so far.

financecupcake said...

EXCITING!!! Please keep these updates coming! I love reading about this! Active dates... Hiking, putt-putt golf, frisbee golf, bowling? Trying healthy restaurants and new recipes would be fun, too. EXCITING!!!

Kelty said...

So exciting! Have fun! I'm glad you're getting to enjoy the fun aspect of dating! Maybe since you're both getting healthier incorporating walks or day hikes into your date mix? Cuddling outside can be quite the fun time :D

Anonymous said...

think about this.......... You Are Worth The Wait!!!!! in every aspect of the statement. Emotionally, sexually, physically. You are WORTH waiting on!!!!!!!


Anonymous said...

MMM. I love new date feeling. At least I think I do. I don't really remember. Nice that he has dropped weight lately too.

How about a date that is free and invigorating and healthy and out of the house? My hub and I still do this. We go for a walk or hike and bring a picnic (usually in a backpack). Sometimes we go to the park and play frizbee. Do others still do that? Those are sort of activy couply things. And you can still talk while doing them.

Hiking you can gather flowers along the way and put them in a cup.

Bring something healthy to eat like rolled flatbread sandwiches with healthy stuff inside. Gazpacho or avocado/cuke soup in a thermos. You could make a healthy bean, veggie and grain salad. Good non bruising fruit.

Don't forget a blanket to lay on. You can use each other for pillows. Lay back, look at the sky talk about life and dreams. it never gets old.

Tim said...

So exciting!

Here are a few ideas:

- Ice skating
- Visit a zoo
- Paintball
- Go for a picnic
- Play frisbee
- Fly a kite
- Canoeing/boat ride up a river

Katie Foster said...

I loved reading this--I'm so excited for you! When my husband and I first started dating, we liked to go rollerblading or walking in the park; miniature golfing + go-carts; go to the zoo; go for a picnic. Stuff like that. It was fun and we got to know each other well, and it wasn't all about food :) The food problem came AFTER we got comfortable around each other! lol

Ann said...

Congrats on a fantastic new addition to your life! SO exciting! You deserve to be happy!! :)

Shannon said...

Wow - sounds wonderful! You sounds so happy, which is great! Thanks for sharing.

Ashley said...

Oh my goodness, you are so adorable! I'm so happy to see that you're able to let go and enjoy the good things. It really is the best way to live!