June 25, 2011

Let's talk about

Dad, feel free to skip this one. And friends, you've been warned.

Today, I'm going to talk about sex.

I always smile when someone blogs about sex and invariably starts their post with some version of "Now, I know this is something we don't often talk about, but..." Because it's totally true - we're thinking about it, just not discussing it. And I think there are a few reasons for that. Sex is an incredibly personal experience - everyone's skills and preferences are different. We can share our thoughts and ideas, but there's no guarantee that anyone will understand what we're getting at. And sharing our own stories is a little scary, too - because our experiences are so unique, talking about it exposes a vulnerability, I think.

In the same breath, though, I think an identical argument can be made for weight loss blogging. Despite many common threads from one blogger to the next, ours are all very personal journeys, and with writing, we're exposed, in a way - we put our secrets and our weaknesses on display and we hope that someone out there understands and is strong enough to admit that we're not alone in thinking and feeling this way.

Sex as a super obese person was a challenge - but of course, so were breathing and getting out of bed. There were limitations of flexibility, of movement, of position. It didn't matter what I wanted, because my body made my choices for me - a concept that applied not only to sex, but to most things in my life. As I started to lose weight and tried to start dating again, I could feel a few small freedoms, but nothing that was fully explored; another downside to casual hook-ups was that it was rarely, if ever, about me. The guys treated me like garbage because I treated myself the same way - so the focus would be entirely on them, because they knew I was just grateful that I wasn't alone and that I hoped this meant I wasn't as repulsive as I felt.

I had a conversation with Lorelei a couple of months ago about dating and whatnot, and she asked if sex was different now that I'm working with a smaller body. In a few ways, things are the same - but that's more in line with the decisions I was making at the time when the question was asked of me. Casual hook-ups felt the same at 320 pounds as they did at 230, because casual sex has no feeling. It wasn't something I enjoyed, it was something I thought I wanted but mostly just endured - because even though I tried to convince myself otherwise, I really did want something meaningful. Sleeping with someone I feel absolutely nothing for wasn't a pleasureable experience - it was never about intimacy, it was about feeling powerful and seeking self-worth, validating that my body was desirable by someone, even though I didn't agree. I never felt nervous or ashamed at showing a stranger my naked body, because that was the point - I wanted to see someone react positively to something I believed to be ugly and fatally flawed, because I thought that would change the way I felt about it.

I've had a few NSVs this past week, the details of which I'm not about to get into. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I'm another forty pounds lighter than the last time I had sex or because this guy and I are mutually pretty into each other, but my current experiences are unlike any I've had before. It feels different, in a really wonderful way - physically, yes, but not only. It feels good when he asks if I'm comfortable and if everything is alright - because no one's ever asked before. It feels great having his arms fit around me - because it's still tough sometimes for me to visualize my weight loss, but when he holds me, I feel small. And it feels amazing when we lay there, his arm around me (either playing with my hair or softly stroking my shoulders) and my hand on his chest; with a voice that aches with honesty, he quietly whispers -
You're so lovely.
Because I believe it, and not just because he has said so.

20 comments:

CarolineC said...

You deserve it all!!!!

Colleen said...

What a wonderful post. I just love it! And can I just say - you are an amazingly beautiful person, inside and out. I love the photo of you with your hair down!

Christina said...

You are so lovely! Great post.

Une femme en santé said...

Allo,
Tu sembles épanouies et ça paraît dans tous tes aspects de ta vie, même dans ta vie sexuelle.

En passnat c'est une belle photo de toi dans ton post.

weightwars said...

this is a totally beautiful post, it made me a bit sad at first but you ended happy. Enjoy it!

E. Jane said...

Wonderful honest post. Glad I found your blog.

He Took MY Last Name said...

Sex with someone you care about is so much more enjoyable.

I think thats when it stops being sex and starts being "love making" because it brings about a new level of connection.

timothy said...

fabulous and you ARE lovely!

Erin said...

I really enjoyed reading your post. Thank you for sharing.

Munchberry said...

I am gonna share a secret with you. The feelings you had about hooking up (getting into one, during one and after one) are felt by all girls, fat or thin. Some try to delude themselves into believing it is empowering, but it rarely is.

The only redemption in them is that when good and real comes along you can recognize it for what it is and really appreciate it.

Munchberry said...

Oh and is that flushing I see on your cheeks?

; )

Rettakat said...

That last sentence... so touching, and so empowering.

This photo of you shows your transformation, which is amazing! All I can say is... wow! I'm just grinning ear to ear, so happy for you. :-)

jayme @ Losing Half My Weight said...

YAY!!!!!

i've wanted to write about sex, but since my partner and his family read the blog, I haven't and won't. but i'm so glad for you! this is a BIG deal!!

Amy said...

such an amazing post! I'm so happy for you!!!

Shannon said...

WONDERFUL post! I'm very happy for you! I love the pic - you are beautiful!

Kelty said...

This is a fabulous post! You deserve it!

thursdays child said...

so glad to see someone posting about this. thank you.

marisol said...

First, sorry for all the comments on your posts but I am catching up. :)


Thank you for sharing such a private moment with us. You made me smile and gave me hope.

jim said...

I love this picture!

steepclimb said...

I'm still playing catch up! But I just had to comment and say YAY! My husband and I were married when we were both larger, and had plenty of sex that was good but of course could be difficult to navigate. I am here to say that having experienced it both ways now, "skinny sex" is SOOO nice! We both embarked on our weight loss journey together and were surprised in seeing how our "new" bodies looked and worked!

Anyway, now I'M blushing and feeling silly, but so glad to read an honest post about it. You look fabulous! :D