Today, I'm going to talk about sex.

I always smile when someone blogs about sex and invariably starts their post with some version of "Now, I know this is something we don't often talk about, but..." Because it's totally true - we're thinking about it, just not discussing it. And I think there are a few reasons for that. Sex is an incredibly personal experience - everyone's skills and preferences are different. We can share our thoughts and ideas, but there's no guarantee that anyone will understand what we're getting at. And sharing our own stories is a little scary, too - because our experiences are so unique, talking about it exposes a vulnerability, I think.
In the same breath, though, I think an identical argument can be made for weight loss blogging. Despite many common threads from one blogger to the next, ours are all very personal journeys, and with writing, we're exposed, in a way - we put our secrets and our weaknesses on display and we hope that someone out there understands and is strong enough to admit that we're not alone in thinking and feeling this way.
Sex as a super obese person was a challenge - but of course, so were breathing and getting out of bed. There were limitations of flexibility, of movement, of position. It didn't matter what I wanted, because my body made my choices for me - a concept that applied not only to sex, but to most things in my life. As I started to lose weight and tried to start dating again, I could feel a few small freedoms, but nothing that was fully explored; another downside to casual hook-ups was that it was rarely, if ever, about me. The guys treated me like garbage because I treated myself the same way - so the focus would be entirely on them, because they knew I was just grateful that I wasn't alone and that I hoped this meant I wasn't as repulsive as I felt.
I had a conversation with Lorelei a couple of months ago about dating and whatnot, and she asked if sex was different now that I'm working with a smaller body. In a few ways, things are the same - but that's more in line with the decisions I was making at the time when the question was asked of me. Casual hook-ups felt the same at 320 pounds as they did at 230, because casual sex has no feeling. It wasn't something I enjoyed, it was something I thought I wanted but mostly just endured - because even though I tried to convince myself otherwise, I really did want something meaningful. Sleeping with someone I feel absolutely nothing for wasn't a pleasureable experience - it was never about intimacy, it was about feeling powerful and seeking self-worth, validating that my body was desirable by someone, even though I didn't agree. I never felt nervous or ashamed at showing a stranger my naked body, because that was the point - I wanted to see someone react positively to something I believed to be ugly and fatally flawed, because I thought that would change the way I felt about it.
I've had a few NSVs this past week, the details of which I'm not about to get into. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I'm another forty pounds lighter than the last time I had sex or because this guy and I are mutually pretty into each other,

You're so lovely.Because I believe it, and not just because he has said so.
20 comments:
You deserve it all!!!!
What a wonderful post. I just love it! And can I just say - you are an amazingly beautiful person, inside and out. I love the photo of you with your hair down!
You are so lovely! Great post.
Allo,
Tu sembles épanouies et ça paraît dans tous tes aspects de ta vie, même dans ta vie sexuelle.
En passnat c'est une belle photo de toi dans ton post.
this is a totally beautiful post, it made me a bit sad at first but you ended happy. Enjoy it!
Wonderful honest post. Glad I found your blog.
Sex with someone you care about is so much more enjoyable.
I think thats when it stops being sex and starts being "love making" because it brings about a new level of connection.
fabulous and you ARE lovely!
I really enjoyed reading your post. Thank you for sharing.
I am gonna share a secret with you. The feelings you had about hooking up (getting into one, during one and after one) are felt by all girls, fat or thin. Some try to delude themselves into believing it is empowering, but it rarely is.
The only redemption in them is that when good and real comes along you can recognize it for what it is and really appreciate it.
Oh and is that flushing I see on your cheeks?
; )
That last sentence... so touching, and so empowering.
This photo of you shows your transformation, which is amazing! All I can say is... wow! I'm just grinning ear to ear, so happy for you. :-)
YAY!!!!!
i've wanted to write about sex, but since my partner and his family read the blog, I haven't and won't. but i'm so glad for you! this is a BIG deal!!
such an amazing post! I'm so happy for you!!!
WONDERFUL post! I'm very happy for you! I love the pic - you are beautiful!
This is a fabulous post! You deserve it!
so glad to see someone posting about this. thank you.
First, sorry for all the comments on your posts but I am catching up. :)
Thank you for sharing such a private moment with us. You made me smile and gave me hope.
I love this picture!
I'm still playing catch up! But I just had to comment and say YAY! My husband and I were married when we were both larger, and had plenty of sex that was good but of course could be difficult to navigate. I am here to say that having experienced it both ways now, "skinny sex" is SOOO nice! We both embarked on our weight loss journey together and were surprised in seeing how our "new" bodies looked and worked!
Anyway, now I'M blushing and feeling silly, but so glad to read an honest post about it. You look fabulous! :D
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