June 14, 2011


When writing about boys, my experience so far has generally been discussed in retrospect, with the wisdom that comes from months or years of mulling over moments and glances and conversations. I'm afraid I'm not very good at speaking presently, at least not in terms of relationship stuff. But I'll try.

I reactivated my dating website profile a few weeks ago, and it took a lot of hesitation. First, because I'm still holding out hope for meeting someone "the old fashioned way" like my parents and grandparents did. Second, because filling out profiles and describing a self that has been constantly in transition for ten and a half months makes me terribly anxious.

And third, because the little pessimistic voice in the back of my head keeps lecturing me that it's the wrong time to get someone else involved in my messy life. I still don't have a job and my mother still isn't talking to me; I fear that I'm not looking for someone with the intention of honest love or caring so much as distraction.

That little voice has taken center stage an awful lot lately. I'm someone who believes very strongly in fate and happenstance, and I can't help but note that I met Steve five years ago this month. We were both looking for distraction then, too, and it was little more than transitional. It devastated me for years, and I don't know if I can handle another negative stressor right now. It might be easier to stay single and feel lonely right now than cry myself to sleep like I did for Steve for years, wondering what went wrong and how I could have been different or better, what I could've done to make him happier, to make him stay.

I'd like to think that in the past five years, I've matured enough to recognize that a relationship ending isn't the exclusive fault of one party, that I wouldn't waste any more time than necessary mourning lost loves that I never really had to begin with. But in the same breath, I know myself too well. In spite of the little voice, of occasional struggles, and of feeling sometimes like a situation can't possibly improve, I'm still terminally romantic, a hopeless optimist. I have a habit of only seeing the good in people and situations, then getting devastated when the realities catch up to me.

I might be looking for distraction right now, but that might be just what I need at the moment. Maybe dating is like weight loss - don't wait for tomorrow or next week or the perfect moment, start right now and do what you can, because all forward motion counts. Yes, conditions aren't ideal. I'm unemployed and three paychecks away from being homeless, with family issues and a binge eating disorder in recovery and more than my share of loose skin. At the same time, though ... I'm 24 and it's almost summertime in one of the greatest cities in the world. I've spent enough of my life sitting on the couch feeling anxious and alone. I might get my heart broken, but when almost everything else in my life already feels like it's in pieces, what's the risk in one more break? And, cue optimism: I also might meet someone really interesting who helps me realize there's an awful lot more to life than neurotically refreshing job postings and stepping on and off the scale.

Tomorrow: Matt (Or, My First Second Date). Stay tuned...


timothy said...

keep the faith sweetie, you're a great girl. i will say that until you can love yourself wholelly unconditionally you can't truly love another. you're the only one who can make you happy!

AlmostGastricBypass said...

You go out and get some.... Awesome !!!

Amy said...

Ahhhhh way to tease us!!!

I am kind of in that dating limbo myself right now - get back out there... or wait.

I probably will end up posting about it, but I just fear Stewart will read it.

Right now I feel like I WANT to be single, have fun and just not worry about it, but that fact that he is in a new relationship and "in love" and "moved on" makes me feel like I have to do that too in order to prove that I myself am strong and moved on.

I struggle with that... but I keep showing myself that I am just merely trying to date someone to rub it into his face, to show him I'm happy because it seems "having someone" is the only way we can show the ex we're doing well and happy...

But then I decided that I don't care right now. That I am happier than I've been in almost two years, and that I will show him I'm happy by winning in the long run - when he is broken hearted by rebounding with a 19 year old!

I really want to wait out for meeting someone the "old fashioned" way too... mainly because my experiences thus far have been just stressful.

I know so many people meet and get married from online dating but right now I just don't think I want to pursue it that way.

I think in your situation right now, you should date, you should have fun. I think you might be afraid to do it, but I think you're in a great position to date and have a wonderful summer!

As for the job - keep visualizing the perfect job and it'll come to you!! :)

Hungry Girl Fan said...

Good luck! Let us know how it goes! And who knows - maybe you will find someone who is perfect for you. If it doesn't happen right away, then you are just that much closer to figuring out what it is that you DO want from a relationship. I know it took me many heartbreaks and failed relationships to finally get what I truly needed and deserved.

Anonymous said...

I think you know more than most people your age that life is messy. If you are waiting for some moment of perfection to meet someone, you will be forever unattached my thin and muscly friend. I met my husband while escaping for a night from my mom who I had stupidly quit my job to care for (she was threatening to commit suicide - AGAIN) and was searching for a new job. Almost 20 years later - I am still with him. Happily. I would have preferred to hide and hunker down because that is my nature and I was really depressed about what I had done to my life but I just forced myself out.

You may get heartbreak. Sure. Deal with more than (what you imagine) is your share of a-holes... but imagine how easily coming up with posts will be!) But eventually you might find someone who adores you for everything that you are, have been and will be. And you the same with him. Every relationship, every time you put it out there, you gain something. It is up to you what you do with it.

Fill out your dating form, get out there and meet people and be open to all sorts of people and keep on your path regardless. Some guy will get very lucky.