April 24, 2011

Thirty days


"Live through this, and you won't look back."
Stars

I usually post recipes on Sundays, but this week, I have nothing. I haven't cooked in over a week, besides throwing together the occasional bucket salad. I'm not happy about that, but this week will be full of opportunities to get happy again, to get back into the things I love - cooking and eating healthy meals, drinking lots of water, and being physically active.

Today, I will say goodbye to my mother and brother. As soon as their car is out of sight, I will run back upstairs and let out all of the tears I've been fighting back for days because my apartment is small and I can't properly grieve my current situational failures with my mom here. I'm going to sob and scream into my pillow until there is nothing left to let go of, and then I am going to go for a walk.

The weather for today is not looking great. A little rain doesn't bother me. Bus pass and keys in my pockets, iPod at home - I need to be alone with my thoughts today. The gym is closed since it's a holiday, but I really don't mind. I kind of prefer it, actually - it's all coming full circle. I am going to go for a walk because that's what I did on July 31, and despite being over a hundred pounds lighter, right now, I feel just as weak and unsure as I did back on Day One.

After a few miles of physical movement and emotional introspection, I'll come home, grab a garbage bag, and get rid of everything my mother has filled my fridge with. I know it's wasteful and I feel a little guilty, but I just can't keep it here until Monday to give to folks at work. The situation is that critical. It has to go now. The trash bag needs to be immediately brought out to the alley - it can't stay in the house a second longer.

Today's meals will be clean and simple, and my menu for the week will be planned, organized, and full of the healthy foods I have nourished my body with for the past nine months. I love feeling light and clean. I love finally fully enjoying my life. I'm not willing to throw all my hard work away. Nothing I've eaten this past week tasted as good as it felt to run a mile for the first time in my life. Nothing I've eaten has made me feel as happy as buying clothes at normal stores. And nothing I've eaten was as sweet and satisfying as finally looking in the mirror and starting to love that girl.

I'm starting over again, again. And I'm trying something new.

My scale has been cleaned off, folded up, and tucked away in my closet. I weighed in on Friday and I'm not going to weigh myself again until May 22. Thirty days, scale-free. I was really hesitant to try to commit to this - it isn't an excuse to continue eat junk, and it isn't a means to avoid taking responsibility for how I've fallen apart this week. I'm owning this failure, believe it. No one is more disappointed in me right now than I am in myself. I'm not proud, I'm not happy, and I'm not feeling healthy or inspirational, even to myself. I'm not giving up, though, either, and that's the most important thing.

This challenge is critically important to me right now, especially as I prepare for my life in maintenance. Thirty days to get back on track, to deal with my end-of-semester/job stress, to focus on feeling my best and not on numbers. Without seeing it happen numerically, I want to transition into my life in onederland - I'm remembering how tough it was to go from 300s to 200s, and I can feel myself self-sabotaging because of the anxiety and fears associated with redefining my identity to include this new aspect. I want to take the power away from the numbers and focus instead on nourishing my mind and body and feeling like the best, healthiest me that I can be.

13 comments:

downsizers said...

Amen.

Finding The Thin Within said...

This post shows so much maturity, Mary! You are wise beyond your years. And I'm only a few years older than you. Ha. I feel like one of those old ladies who is in awe of the deep thinking that can come out of a 20-something. But, honestly, that is what I thought when I read your post. You can see the changes you are going through mentally and emotionally in your writing, and I'm just honored to be a part of your life...even if only electronically. =)

<3 Katie

Maia said...

I am in a similar situation right now, and I have really been struggling to get back on track. The last couple of weeks of been incredibly stressful and I've gone back to my old ways of comforting with food. You've inspired me to get back on track too! Also, you've inspired me to not weight myself for a month as well. It will be so hard, but I'm willing to do it if you are! I've been sitting at this weight for over a month and I'm dying to get out of it.

Amy said...

Oh Mary - you totally have your shit together and sometimes you don't even realize it! The situation at the micro level may appear to be critical, but your attitude is not critical at not.

A bad week happens, it's life, but I think the way you're approaching it is great. I've watched so many blogger approach onederland and have such a rough time with it...so I think perhaps giving the scale up while you coast into onderland will be a great idea...who knows maybe you'll coast in and on May 22, you'll be past it!

Happy Easter - I hope today brings you a lot of clarity and that you are able to purge it all out of your apartment, have a fresh start and a fabulous month!

Spoonful of Me said...

I agree with Katie, you are wise beyond your years.

Ann said...

Mary - I'm so sorry that things have been rough this past week. It really sounds like you have been through a lot. The best part is that you have a plan going forward - you KNOW you need some time to cry, let it out, walk and collect your thoughts, throw away everything that WON'T help you reach your goal, and then continue on your journey. No one said this weight-loss journey would be easy - in fact, I think it's one of the hardest things we can do. But keep moving forward, girlfriend, you are SO STRONG and SO WONDERFUL.

Caron said...

You can do it! Great, inspiration post. I know all the emotions and all the doubt but you obviously know what to do to get to your goal. I say waste the food or "waist it". :)

Krista said...

You're strong, you've made it so far and I know that you can get through this. I do the same thing sometimes when everything is building up; I wait until everyone is gone and then I run to my room and just cry. I always feel better afterwards. You know by now that there are good days and bad days along this journey, and this is just one of the bad days. Soon it will be over and you'll be getting back on track. You're awesome.

Anonymous said...

You'll keep going, I know you will! Decompress if you have to and then get back to it. Good luck with the 30 day challenge of not weighing in.

timothy said...

its truly rough when those who are supposed to love and support you unconditionally sabotage you instead, i'm sure she doesn't mean too (benefit of the doubt for someone i don't know) but she did, mayhaps when there's a distance you should call or write a letter (doesn't she read your blog?) even if you never mail it write it all down to get it off your chest! i'm so happy you're gettin right back on track, you are a capable, courageous woman and you will be successful, heck you already are! just follow your instincts and i know you'll do great! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

jayme @ Losing Half My Weight said...

what a fantastic idea - giving up the scale as you approach a big goal....it will totally take a lot of the pressure off. and i echo everyone else (esp. Amy) - as much as you may not think you do, i admire you for having your shit together and doing what you need to do. wisdom, indeed.

Jessica said...

Sorry you have had a rough week! But you are back in the right direction. I think putting your scale away is a fine idea! You are strong...and so encouraging! Keep up your good work!

Amanda said...

You are truly inspiring, and I'm so impressed by your strength! You can do it! I hope the next time you step on the scale you are in Onederland! :)